About partners on the ward after childbirth?

[hullabaloo234]

Booked in for ELCS for breech baby.

Just going through this week's post and find a letter from the hospital about what to do/not do prior to the op, what time to arrive etc.

At the back is a letter for my "support person", with a list of do's and don'ts for their stay on the ward with me after my section.

Sorry, WTF?! I love DP dearly but not a chance do I want him or more importantly a load of other blokes on the ward.

I was already going to discharge myself the following morning but was realistic about staying a bit longer if needed- bollocks to that I am definitely leaving as soon as my catheter is out and I can walk again!

Am I the only person who thinks this is really bloody unreasonable?!

[EnthusiasmDisturbed]

People feeling unhappy about not being able to say over isn't quite as important as all women on the ward recovering feeling safe and less vulnerable

that is the issue that women feel safe and secure in their recovery and for many (or some or one) having men they do not know around when they are trying to sleep at night is unnerving

they issues that arise from inadequate healthcare are separate

[PersianCatLady]

Butterfliesandzebras
I have tried to scan through at your posts and haven't seen any examples of where strange women have been abusive in the same way that men have been described as being many times in this post.

What I have found is you describing other women as "strange women".

[Bauble16]

You need therapy Cherry! It's not normal to be so paranoid about men and to get so volatile and tell a stranger to fuckoff hmm.

I was more abused by FEMALE midwives during my post natal care. The partners just got on with supporting their recovering wives. I was verbally abused and told I couldn't hack pain, refused any pain medication and given 2 cocodomol for the entire birth. Then after tricked into letting the staff operate on my child's tongue tie. Told I could hold him to sooth him, yet once I signed consent he was whisked away from me. Do I fear and think all midwives are like this, no.

Women suffer on maternity wards as the pain of childbirth is often minimised by the women who care for them. It's sad but people in professions of care often desensitise and lack empathy. It's not a man vs woman thing. Yes I agree women should be allowed more privacy but why oh why make this about rape statistics and DV. We need respect and empathy from those who medically care for us, we need privacy from other people's visitors. Not just men. Making this thread into a man bashing sexism issue only deflects from the true level of shit care the NHS provide.

[Temporaryname137]

Speak - hmm, i see what you mean - but which 12 hours? If your baby is born at 4am, as mine was, then it's really 4am-4pm that you need the most help (although I was pretty useless for the next 2 nights too!).

I think the idea upthread of having a few hours partner-free rather than 12 was perhaps a better compromise, but then that doesn't really help those partners who live quite a way from the hospital, as what would they do with themselves for 3 hours or whatever the gap would be?

[DirtyDancing]

You can just keep your curtain round for privacy

[Dozer]

Midwives are much, much less likely to be abusive than visiting men, and there is a professional regulatory body for midwives.

And it's perfectly normal to want privacy and a female only environment at night when in hospital.

[PersianCatLady]

Persian - I didn't put it earlier in the thread, but I saw several of the mothers on the ward being very disruptive
I can imagine that is very annoying but those women have to be there as they have also given birth.

Also women being disruptive is not the same as men being abusive but I do see your point.

[Dozer]

Otherwise why did they bother trying to get rid of mixed sex wards?

[ExConstance]

I paid to have my DS1 privately , one reason being that no way on earth was I going to give birth and be in hospital without DH there all the time. He was there for 3 days ( DS1 jaundiced) and we all cuddled up together, learned how to care for our baby and just enjoyed being together.

It really makes me sick and tired when constantly women see the problem as being other peoples partners on their wards rather than banding together and demanding private rooms for all maternity patients - do you think men would put up with the conditions women just seem to take for granted on maternity wards?

[MrsDustyBusty]

I saw several of the mothers on the ward being very disruptive

AKA the other patients on the ward.

I can't see how this is so difficult to process.

[SpeakNoWords]

Well, that's why I suggested partners being able to stay for a while, say 2 hours as a default, or longer at the discretion of midwives, for women moved to post natal outside of visiting hours. If you're moved to post natal near to normal visiting hours then midwives could use their discretion and let the partner stay rather than send them home. Using a side room where possible would be ideal.

The obvious 12 hrs for non-visiting is overnight when most women will be trying to sleep.

Presumably you were moved to postnatal around 5am? I think it would have been totally acceptable for your DP to have stayed till visiting hours started, which presumably were from 9 or 10am?

[Temporaryname137]

No, she was pretty abusive. She said something about "fucking thieving Eastern Europeans" IIRC. Which made me roll my eyes as the woman was clearly speaking Spanish to one of the midwives!

It's entirely anecdotal, and I get that it's not the same as the physical threat that some men can make, but purely on the ward that I was on, the men were all very sweet and purely interested in their wives and babies; the women were mostly interested in themselves and their babies, but a couple of them were rather twattish.

[Temporaryname137]

DustyBusty - er, NO!!

They were not being disruptive in that sense. They were disruptive as in, loud phonecalls in the middle of the night, see above about xenophobic slurs, that sort of shit. I wouldn't complain about someone moaning in pain, for example!

[YelloDraw]

You can just keep your curtain round for privacy

RTFF

[YelloDraw]

do you think men would put up with the conditions women just seem to take for granted on maternity wards?
No they would not :-(

[Primaryteach87]

I couldn't mentally or physically have managed without my husband there. They had hardly any staff and I couldn't pick my baby up for a long while after a very traumatic birth. I think YABU, I was on a ward and just kept the curtain shut if I didn't want other men seeing something.

[BorpBorpBorp]

If patients on the ward feel that their privacy is being compromised by other patients' partners being present, the problem is with the set-up of the ward, not the other patients' partners. The solution is better screens between beds, or more private rooms.

Patients should be allowed to have a partner/family member/advocate with them at all times if they want to. That should be the case for all wards, not just maternity wards.

[Dozer]

FFS.

[SpeakNoWords]

It's not just about men being there to see you though, it's about being able to sleep at night whilst aware of the presence of unknown men. It's about women who are more vulnerable because of their history being scared and stressed as a result. It's also about worse care being the norm because of the expectation that you'll have a partner present to do basic care.

I wouldn't be able to sleep at all at night if there were unknown men around. I'd have to discharge myself probably, whether or not I was medically ready.

[butterfliesandzebras]

What I have found is you describing other women as "strange women".

Haha. I'm being literal 'women who are strangers to me' not insulting.

[MrsDustyBusty]

DustyBusty - er, NO!!

Er, yes. You are talking about patients on the ward, people who have little choice but to be there for treatment. They may be unpleasant for all kinds of reasons, but that is really not the issue. The issue is the disruption, interruption, crowding, lack of privacy and potential abuse by people who are not patients.

I'm sure the vast majority are perfectly pleasant people, but I could instance a thousand perfectly pleasant people I don't want to share a hospital ward with overnight if they aren't patients.

Overnight in a hospital ward needs to be patients. This is not difficult.

[Temporaryname137]

Interesting about the screens. Could they be rigged up for greater privacy at far less cost than building new hospitals with private rooms?

I suppose the problem would be wheeling equipment in and out, that sort of thing...

[Temporaryname137]

Sorry Dusty, but even having just had a baby is not a good enough reason to be vicious about someone because they are not english or chatting bollocks to your mates on your phone in the middle of the night. Although the midwives did stop that, to be fair.

Don't try and justify that sort of behaviour because they needed treatment. It's not ok, and that sort of thing disturbed me far far more than the partners on the ward!

[PersianCatLady]

I can't see how this is so difficult to process
How do you mean, that the women have to be there because they are patients or that I should have realised that men and women can be equally abusive??

[MrsDustyBusty]

Don't try and justify that sort of behaviour because they needed treatment. It's not ok, and that sort of thing disturbed me far far more than the partners on the ward!

I don't know why you think I'm justifying it. I'm saying that they are patients who may be unpleasant but are a hazard of being on a hospital ward. How is that justifying unpleasant behaviour?

Do you think we need a niceness test for post natal wards so anyone - man or woman - can stay there but anyone who's not nice can't? Whether they've just had a baby and need medical treatment or not?