About partners on the ward after childbirth?

[hullabaloo234]

Booked in for ELCS for breech baby.

Just going through this week's post and find a letter from the hospital about what to do/not do prior to the op, what time to arrive etc.

At the back is a letter for my "support person", with a list of do's and don'ts for their stay on the ward with me after my section.

Sorry, WTF?! I love DP dearly but not a chance do I want him or more importantly a load of other blokes on the ward.

I was already going to discharge myself the following morning but was realistic about staying a bit longer if needed- bollocks to that I am definitely leaving as soon as my catheter is out and I can walk again!

Am I the only person who thinks this is really bloody unreasonable?!

YADNBU. I had my Dd by ELCS in January and changed hospitals half way through my pregnancy as my original hospital let partners stay on the ward overnight.

My local hospital have finally started allowing partners overnight about 10 months ago.

I think it's fantastic.
The NHS is overstretched. They can't provide the level of emotional and physical support that our mothers were afforded 30/40 years ago with their week or so in bed being looked after post birth.

All these women complaining that they rang the bell again and again and again for someone to pass them their baby because they couldn't move post section etc now have someone with them to help JUST THEM. If there's a problem, instead of ringing the bell, there's someone with them to actually go and get/talk to someone.

You have someone with you that you trust.

I think it's fantastic.
I'm also due in 4 weeks!

I was in a room with another woman for recovery. Her partner snoring kept me awake when they weren't talking - even whispers keep u awake. Mw moved me after 4 hours as she could see in wasn't getting any rest

Are you serious? There's privacy curtains, no ones looking at you. You need someone there you can't move AT ALL and if no ones there you have to call a nurse just to get you a glass of water etc?
YABU the poor woman next to me on the ward was all on her own and had to constantly buzz for a (rather grumpy) nurse. My DP ended up helping her because she went for hours without stuff she needed because she was too embarrassed to call the nurse again plus the support of your partner on the ward helps, my mum and partner swapped nights as I had to stay in for five nights. Maybe ask your mum if you're worried.

I've had 4 sections so can see practically how lovely it would have been to have dp there, I've also had lots of other surgerys some for cancer and pretty life changing tbf, I'd have liked my husband there for sure. Ds had a kidney transplant last year and although the hospital was great about family being there, they simply didn't have the facilities for everyone to have a partner there, where do we draw the line here? Medical staff are already u der pressure without doubling the amount if people on the ward.

There are always going to be inconsiderate partners and visitors. Even the other mothers can be rude and annoying - one on my ward spent the whole of the first night telling her newborn to shut up and talking on her phone. When I was in having DS I had to stay on the ward for two nights and it was the beginning of severe depression and psychosis. I sat in the feeding room the whole of the second night crying because I couldn't cope with DS on my own, and the poor midwives were far too busy to stay with me the whole time. If DH had been there I wonder whether I'd have been quite so ill.
This is the NHS, you have to like it or lump it, and feel grateful you're effectively getting your care for free. If you want to dictate the conditions, either have a homebirth, go private or pay for a private room. Other people may have different requirements and preferences to you.

Unless the partners are really creepy

How would the midwives/new mothers tell the difference between a really creepy partner and a not creepy one? They'd only really be able to tell AFTER the creepy one had done something creepy 😬

The idea of partners staying 24/7 is always based on the idea that everyone's partners are supportive and considerate.That really is not the case unfortunately. I have read too many horrendous experiences on here that have happened to women as a result of this policy to support it.

f there's a problem, instead of ringing the bell, there's someone with them to actually go and get/talk to someone.

Unless they don't have a partner, or their partner is at home with their other children, or otherwise unable to stay...

What I'm getting it is were do you draw the line ?

No one is saying men and visitors shouldn't be allowed. Just that patients should have respite from other people's visitors. Night time is still mostly when people sleep so surely that's the best time to abstain from visitors?

I think a lot of Trusts have the 12-hour rule and I think this is too much, I wouldn't mind if there was a break in the day personally but when a strange bloke is 3 feet away for 12 hours when you're bleeding, breastfeeding and leaking urine, it's a long day that's more unpleasant than it has to be. Women should always come first in postnatal situations.

I don't get the whole "it helps with staffing" thing. First of all, unqualified men shouldn't be plugging the gap in caring for patients. Secondly, surely it's more exhausting for staff to have 12 bodies in a bay rather than just 8? It creates more unrest, which in turn means the patients (again, not men) need more care. It's a red herring and unacceptable

And it is about funding priorities the number of staff have been cut. That is what we should be campaigning for - more staff on post natal wards.

To be fair I didn't have a c section but had to stay over night with ds2 as risk of infection. Dp had to be home any way for ds 1. But if he had the chance to stay I would have told him to go home. Especially on a shared ward. He can't rest and I like a pp said I would want him rested for when I got home. I think my hospital doesn't allow partners to stay on the maternity ward anyway so that wasn't an option. But yanbu imo. However I guess yabu as many women want their husbands there.... it's a tough one.

Your DP/DH might be lovely. Some aren't
Some will argue, shout, pull the curtains back, stare at your boobs if you're BF, abuse their partner, try to have sex on the ward
Some women may have been sexually assaulted in their lives or actually on the ward, some men are rapists
Women need peace and privacy and not strange men. No matter how lovely your partner is, they have to have rules for the partners that aren't

What I'm surprised about is that so many women seem to feel vulnerable around men as a default and that is a very sad reflection on society. As I said, none of my friends have any issue with men staying on the ward so in my little bubble world it's not something that is a concern.

Also if men are on the ward in the day what difference does it make if they're at night? With a new baby you have to breastfeed in the day so they would see you then. And you'd need to shower/use the toilet/walk around the ward. Why is it OK for men to be there in the day but not at night? I can't see the difference.

Can Dad take baby home and leave you in the hospital to try and rest?

I'm currently in hospital being induced and frankly they are so short staffed today if I had baby and a CS I would not be coping and would have him stay. Currently I have been waiting 4.5 hours for my observations and medication. So far I have sent DH home as he needs to sleep because frankly I'm not getting much and I need him rested for baby if I don't get any between now and arrival.

The other women on the ward are also strangers, and can be just as threatening or intimidating as men.
When I was in with Dtwins on the 6th night the bed next to me was occupied by a man and his newborn baby. His wife was in critical condition in intensive care. She thankfully pulled through but for that night there was a man alone on our ward, with just a curtain between him and myself with the twins. Not once did I even consider complaining, I thought it was great that whilst his wife was in intensive care, that the midwives treated him as they would have done the mother (dinner, bed, help with baby).

What they should do is put together the women who have partners who stay in one place and women who don't in another ward so all will be happy
Normal visiting hours should apply and if the midwives or doctors need to speak with any women on the ward then all, partners to leave for the duration of the consultation
That is only for common decency and privacy reasons and sure,t everyone will be okay about that!

I don't feel vulnerable about men.
But In my ward - in the day, there were drunk partners, there was MTV on really relentlessly loud, there was screaming at each other (adults! As well as babies), screaming on the phone etc etc. To have this through the night too!? Urgh - I would have crawled out on hands and knees if nec.

The vast majority of needs I had as a mother to a newborn did not involve medical skill - just not having enough hands, not being able to get up without hands but not feeling confident holding baby with 1 hand. Major problems were eating while feeding - and me being about to fall asleep while feeding which the staff sad was bad but couldn't suggest a solution to. DD was born mid afternoon, was sleepy for 12 hours then fed for the next 12 (having had 2 hourly obs for 12 hours due to meconium in waters). The hours between 2am and visiting for DH were endless as I was exhausted and DD just wanted to suckle and wouldn't go down for more than 30 minutes. I was utterly convinced I was going to drop her or smother her accidentally.

I can understand women wanting their DPs around, but to expect other women, stuck in the same room, to be happy about having a load of strange men sleeping in the same room is totally unreasonable.

The NHS should move to having everyone in private rooms, or limit DPs to visiting hours. I was horrified at the idea of having to spend a night in the same room as a load of strange men after giving birth. I can't think of any time in her life when a woman needs privacy more than at that time. Thank God I was able to leave the same day. I really feel for any woman who has to be subjected to that.

Partners should not be needed to provide nursing care.

This is just another way of drawing attention from the fact that the NHS is under-staffed, by spinning "partners on the ward" as some kind of lovely privilege for women.

Well, it isn't, as we've heard from horror stories on here.

Other mothers might be rude/annoying, but at least they have a medical reason to be there. There is no medical reason for partners to be there.

Those who want their DP to be there because they're too anxious to be alone - what about the woman sharing your bay who was abused, and has incredible anxiety about your DP being there? What of her feelings?

The cynic in me says they want partners to stay as there are less nurses on hand these days.