About partners on the ward after childbirth?

[hullabaloo234]

Booked in for ELCS for breech baby.

Just going through this week's post and find a letter from the hospital about what to do/not do prior to the op, what time to arrive etc.

At the back is a letter for my "support person", with a list of do's and don'ts for their stay on the ward with me after my section.

Sorry, WTF?! I love DP dearly but not a chance do I want him or more importantly a load of other blokes on the ward.

I was already going to discharge myself the following morning but was realistic about staying a bit longer if needed- bollocks to that I am definitely leaving as soon as my catheter is out and I can walk again!

Am I the only person who thinks this is really bloody unreasonable?!

And nowhere did I say that the care shouldn't be better, simply that you should not blame those women who want their partners with them now, with the situation as it is. It's all well saying it will make it worse in the long run but that's fuck all comfort to a woman about to give birth facing substandard care is it?

Nobody gives a toss that the lady next door has her dh round.

This thread is full of women saying that they didn't and don't want someone else's bloke in the ward with them all night.

Do you think it only counts if women complain directly to you?

Beach - no, we can't rely on having all those things!
I think most of us probably have had most of them. But women not being brought meals and hence not getting anything to eat, staff not responding to buzzers - yup, happens all the time.

It only counts when women complain on the ward. Most of you idiots are just gas lighting. Numpties.

if they were there at night they wouldn't do anything but wring their hands

Yep, I said that, you naturally selectively quoted, I understand that, it's hard to make a false point by being honest and reporting accurately. What I actually said was that in a medical emergency that's all your partner can do if he's not a HCP. That's not hating anyone, by the way. I'm medically untrained, even in the basics of first aid. If I were on a ward with a person having a haemorrhage (which was the example given of a situation where a woman might have a post natal emergency), I would not be anything but in the way.

That people talk about the lack of dbs checks on the 'strange men' but not on the other women on the wards
No, what I actually said was - "Why is any contact with other people's children usually strictly controlled by DBS checks and the like but at the most vulnerable time in a baby's life it is expected to spend a night sleeping in a room with 5 strange men??"

I am not expecting all other women who have just given birth to be DBS checked as they NEED to be there but the men do not need to be there.

Has anybody ever experienced one mother who has just given birth causing any harm to any mother or baby on a post-natal ward??

Obviously from this thread we already know that other fathers have.

Free single rooms is probably a better turn of phrase than free private rooms- private as in single patient, rather than fee-paying.

Hiding this thread now because people ignore things like actual accounts of abuse (I.e. the man who shouted at babies on our ward and laughed at me for wetting myself and my friend who was assaulted on the ward by her abusive DP from whom she was trying to escape).

Justin if you're still reading there are some of us who care about your experience. Please keep talking about t as it makes people realise the realist of these situations and what needs to be done for you

On that note can I implore people who've had awful experiences to please please please complain to PALS. Even if it was years ago. It's so important these are logged as patterns of bad care are flagged and (hopefully) this is one way to get listened to

Never met anyone in a labour ward who complained about a fellow patient having their male partner there
Please READ THE FUCKING THREAD, we are not talking about a labour ward, we are talking about men sleeping on a post-natal ward.

I think its great if you are confidant and comfortable enough after birth to not need support on the ward and would prefer the rest and peace and quiet. However you can not presume that every mother will feel the same way and nor should you judge their wishes and knock them for wanting as much support as the hospital allows. Each birth can be different and each mother can react to birth differently, you can have one birth in which you feel fine after and react well to and the next could knock you for six and you could struggle. OP I respect your wishes, but could you try and respect others who may struggle a lot after birth emotionally and physically and try and accommodate their need for extra support, im sure the last thing you would want is some one really struggling not get the support they need from family, when they need it just because it would disrupt you.

nobody gives a toss that the lady next door has her dh round

Ok so all of the posters on here who say they do care are lying?

When I read in the notes what some of the male partners of the women I care for have done (DV etc) I am scared of them and feel very tense around them on the ward. I would not like to be sharing any kind of space let alone sleeping space with men like this. When there are these kind of concerns about a partner the woman and baby tend to get placed in a bay so what is going on can more easily be observed. Obviously other women in the bay don't know social history of these families but I feel worried for them too. I have had to sort out issues where verbal abuse between a couple was impacting on the rest women sharing the bay on several occasions.

I really don't know what the answer is as there aren't enough side rooms for everyone yet some people really want their partners to stay. Most of the ones that do stay are no trouble at all and I wouldn't say I depend on the partners to do my work either. It can be really lovely to see the new family bonding and enjoying time together. In these situations I tend to feel bad that all we offer is a chair for the partners to sleep in!

I wish mumsnet would campaign for better natal care.

cherry

I will campaign with you

What are we going to do?

Petition? Some one good with words needs to do that...so not me

It only counts when women complain on the ward. Most of you idiots are just gas lighting. Numpties.

Ah I see. Our feelings only count when we're in the situation, by which point it's too late to do anything about. Thanks for clarifying 👍🏽

Dad's were not allowed to stay ime years ago.

However the ward was less than pristine and the toilet/ shower areas were disgusting with overflowing bins full of bloody pads, for example.

But no I didn't complain as I was very weak and was in survival mode tbh.

(Later I talked to a friend who had given birth at the same hospital. She had complained about the state of the shower room and was told it was the cleaning contractors and not a ward responsibility..)

Almond, I'm not denying that there's a risk, but that the risk is being overstated in comparison. There are two competing risks here - the risk of a man being abusive and secondly, the risk of a woman being abandoned in pain with a crying baby. If there was a 1 in 10 risk of an abusive man on the wards but a 6 in 10 chance of the woman being abandoned, then the men should be able to help.

It seems from peoples accounts that there are instances of men behaving inappropriately and abusively, but many more accounts of women suffering alone.

The answer is ofcourse for more night care, but denying men from giving top up care in the meantime, just so the nhs can see how women suffer in the hope things will change is rather passive aggressive and I think unlikely to work. The nhs are doing a fabulous job of ignoring us already.

When I read in the notes what some of the male partners of the women I care for have done (DV etc) I am scared of them and feel very tense around them on the ward
Do you mind me asking (but I suspect I already know the answer), if you suspect or know that a male partner is violent or abusing the mother are you allowed to do anything to warn other mothers on the ward or other staff?

gas lighting

wtf

Please read properly before making things up and attempting to catch me out.

I'm not trying to do that at all. How is characterising your option as being in favour of women only spaces 'making things up' when you've clearly stated I believe for a good portion of the day/night postanagal wards should be women only spaces. ??

WTF are you actually going on about? Do you want me to count the number of times I've said I don't want to get rid of male visitors, just not have em there 24/7?

I never mentioned what times you want women only spaces or to get rid of the men for in either my posts so why are you acting like I said you wanted that at 'all times' Ffs!? (other than so you can argue with something I haven't said and pretend I'm making stuff up?)

You do want to get rid of men (for a good proportion/12 hours a day) rather than give women genuine privacy (from all genders of strangers, 24/7), which would mean it didn't matter who other women choose to have care for their newborns.

I don't see them as such a problem to the other women and babies.

When women on this thread have expressed that they don't have a problem with men around them on a post natal ward, they are told they are being selfish and not thinking of how other women might feel. But apparently it's ok for you to dismiss how other women feel about strange women around them, because you 'don't see the problem'.

Thecountess thanks for your reply.

That's awful. I can see why that would lead to women wanting their partners around so much.

Dusty busty, I am only being selective in that its silly and impractical to quote everything you've ever said!

And if you meant in a medical emergency, you didn't say it - from what I remember you queried the point of men being there as all they'd be able to do is wring their hands.

But in any event, you're wrong. In the situation you described ought a haemorrhage, if the woman can't reach for the bell, or no one comes, then her life is at risk. If her husband is there and no one comes, he could save her life by getting help.

Petition? Some one good with words needs to do that...so not me
If someone was to do a petition on the Government website what are the most important things that you would like to be included??

Rufus my first step was to report the thread to flag with MN about the possibility of a campaign. Waiting to hear the response but was thinking about starting a thread asking women of their experiences of postnatal care, good and bad.

Oops posted too soon! I thought the thread of experiences could be like a dossier of what good and bad care looks like to if we do petition we have some substance to back up what we think should improve. But hoping a big wig like MN will back it!