About partners on the ward after childbirth?

[hullabaloo234]

Booked in for ELCS for breech baby.

Just going through this week's post and find a letter from the hospital about what to do/not do prior to the op, what time to arrive etc.

At the back is a letter for my "support person", with a list of do's and don'ts for their stay on the ward with me after my section.

Sorry, WTF?! I love DP dearly but not a chance do I want him or more importantly a load of other blokes on the ward.

I was already going to discharge myself the following morning but was realistic about staying a bit longer if needed- bollocks to that I am definitely leaving as soon as my catheter is out and I can walk again!

Am I the only person who thinks this is really bloody unreasonable?!

Am I weird because I don't view all other men as weird predators who are clearly in maternity wards to leer at vulnerable women? There were two other men on my ward along with my OH. They didn't even notice each other as they were more interested in their newborns

No but you'd be quite ignorant if you think they didn't exist just because you've never encountered them. I encourage you to read the other thread of people's experiences of some of the men, including one who used the patient toilet and told her she was disgusting because she left blood on the toilet (at the request of the HCP to examine a blood clot)

I think it is about 4% of men who are sexual predators, according to psychologists, Fruityb.

I don't think they don't exist. But I see them as a minority and a rarity cherry I know some people have awful experiences but these are not the norm.

I would expect the rate of men who have serious issues with women to be higher on maternity wards, because men who respect women other than their own family are likely to understand why they shouldn't be sleeping over on a maternity ward.

almond and 1 in 5 women have experienced sexual violence in the U.K, 1 in 10 been raped and 1 in 4 experience DV. Those numbers are pretty compelling yet women's fears on this thread are being allayed completely. Great way to start change isn't it, to deny women's fears!

There have been comments that men shouldn't be allowed on the wards at all, or for 2 hours a day only, that if they were there at night they wouldn't do anything but wring their hands. That their bonding is not important (whilst I agree they are not the patient - neither really is the baby often, but mum and baby is prioritised over baby and dad irrespective of feeding or mums health). That women are on here expected to struggle with their babies in agony rather than a man be present. That the risk from a man being abusive overrides the likelihood of a woman suffering on her own.

Men are regarded as second rate parents from day one on here - literally, given the preference is for baby with a sick exhausted mum over a perfectly capable father.

That people talk about the lack of dbs checks on the 'strange men' but not on the other women on the wards.

Some men are abusive, but they are in the minority.

I have no idea why that is aimed at me, DotMuncher.

I am completely opposed to visitors on maternity wards outside of visiting hours.

Cherry you are bloody deluded and totally sexist against men. When have u ever heard of a father attacking or violating another mother on a postnatal ward? As others and myself have previously told you. This is a privacy issue not one of men been predators. Women are capable of bad behaviour too ya know?! We aren't some superior species who need protecting from men.

How on earth has this gone from women feeling vulnerable after giving birth due to visitors on wards to one of scare mongering expectant mothers and making them feel too trusting. It's normal to not be paranoid ya know.

I would expect the rate of men who have serious issues with women to be higher on maternity wards, because men who respect women other than their own family are likely to understand why they shouldn't be sleeping over on a maternity ward.

This.

Women have boasted on this thread about how their DH has bullied a MW to go against hospital policy. That person described their DH as lovely and gentle. Even if you aren't blinkered to what an inconsiderate person your DH is, it doesn't mean you want them there or can stick up for yourself. I imagine most of us would tell our DHs to piss off if they asked to take our bed, but some women in abusive situations wouldn't dare or it wouldn't occur to them. How does men staying 24/7 help these women? They are the most vulnerable by far on this situation and in healthcare the most vulnerable should always be paramount

Just to add, 1 in 4 women experiencing DV from men does not mean that 1 in 4 men are abusive. I think its something we often get mixed up about in these threads. It's only a small number of men who are abusive, they just don't tend to only be abusive with one woman.

Oh almond I wasn't having a dig at you at all just adding to your stats but looking back I can see how it came across sorry!

I realise there are dangerous people out there, but I don't think they out number the none dangerous ones.

The dangerous ones don't walk around with signs around their necks identifying them.

It's lovely that you felt safe on the postnatal ward, with your partner there as well as other people's. But it surely doesn't take a massive leap of imagination to understand that other people are in different circumstances, does it?

Imagine this instead: you're on a 6-bedded room. Your partner isn't there, for whatever reason. Everyone else has a partner with them. Of those five men:

• two are lovely, quiet, trying their best to be unobtrusive. They don't have much room, so they're pushed right up next to your bed, and they're having whispered conversations with their partners you can hear every word of.

• one is usually lovely, but he's not coping at all with the stress, and keeps shouting at the midwives and HCAs because he blames them for his partner's traumatic birth

• one considers himself 'a joker' and wants to be the loud centre of attention whenever he can. He finds boob jokes hilarious and is sniggering about some other woman bf-ing.

• one is already on the radar of social services for beating up his wife.

All of these men are regularly getting up to go and find staff, ask for things, advocate for their partners' needs - or their own needs - to get met now now right now. All of them need to use the toilet and sometimes the showers, so you'll have to queue.

It's 2am, there are no staff around, and you're on your own in your little bed - which you're not allowed to have the curtains closed around. How safe and comfortable do you feel? How likely do you think it is that your needs will be met as well as the woman in the next bed?

What do you mean, Bluesky? Are you suggesting that babies have to stay with their mothers even if the mother does not want to and cannot look after a baby while an inpatient? That the NHS would refuse?

It's okay, Dotmucher, I was being over sensitive.

I'm really shocked by the level of care described on this thread. In the UK do you not have at the very least;

a table on wheels that can come over the bed with a water jug on it
Breakfast, lunch and dinner brought and laid on the table
Your baby beside you in a crib on wheels
A bedside table cabinet thing (on wheels) for putting stuff on / in
A hospital bed that you can raise / lower various bits of

I understand that these things are not emotional support or comfort but they are basic practical things that help.

Do staff really not come if you are bleeding abnormally / unable to lift a crying baby / in distress?

I don't doubt for a second that post natal care is ill considered because having babies is women's work and therefore not properly valued. I'm just utterly shocked by stories of women being medically neglected and not given basics like food and drink. The answer to this state of affairs is surely more staff and resources and respect for women's dignity and well being??
If MN do campaign on this issue I pray it is for resources and respect rather than for men to stay overnight on women's wards that already lack space, dignity and privacy.

'It's only a small number of men who are abusive, they just don't tend to only be abusive with one woman.'

Exactly. It only takes one abusive man to be present on a maternity ward to put all the women there at risk.

PersianCatLady - ummm...you know DBS checks aren't gender specific
Yes I know but other women who have just given birth need to be on the post-natal ward and (maybe wrongly) I don't see them as such a problem to the other women and babies.

Strange men do not need to be on the post-natal and certainly should not be sleeping in a ward with other women's babies.

'We aren't some superior species who need protecting from men. '

We're not a separate species, and you can speak for yourself, but when I am half naked and vulnerable I would quite like to be protected from the minority of men who are wankers, thanks. Just not letting them in the same room as me when I'm asleep would be a good start.

Never met anyone in a labour ward who complained about a fellow patient having their male partner there. Not once. (I volunteer as a birth partner so know what I'm talking about) And I live in a heavily asian/muslim area where women usually like to keep things segregated. Post-birth women have more important things on their mind like stiches, or latching baby, or figuring out how to nappy change without doing themselves an injury. Nobody gives a toss that the lady next door has her dh round.

BlueSky- men are not being treated as second rate parents- they are simply not the patients on a post-natal ward. The mother is , the baby is, the father is not- therefore he isn't in need to any kind of treatment at all, he is a visitor.

The other women on the ward are patients- they have to be there. Their details will have been recorded when they were admitted as patients. There is no such recording system for visitors.

Nobody's preference is for babies with sick exhausted mothers. My preference is for appropriate midwifery and nursing care to be available 24 hours a day , with sufficient free private rooms available in cases where HCPs agree that the medical needs of the mother and/or baby mean that it would be appropriate for the father to stay (for example,in the very sad cases of stillbirth mentioned by previous posters).

Abusive men may be in the minority, but plenty of them are still staying the night in post-natal wards to maximise their opportunities to abuse not only their own partner, but to intimidate and threaten violence against other women as well.

aoriginal if you are referring to me u did not boast and we had a private room so it would have effected other women. He used my toilet, never showered there, left only when my other visitors came in to nip home/shower/bring me & babies clothes and nappies and food for us both. The midwife left me from 1am bleeding all over the floor and ignores my buzzer. My husband came in to find me still awake (3 days plus), trying to breastfeed two newborns while slurring my words and my vision blurred. I nearly died giving birth, and was then ignored once on the ward, he discovered me, not even the day staff had bothered to check on me. So yes I was very grestful that when the only midwife on duty returned for the night shift he refused to leave. He did so very calmly and quietly, while she towered above him and acknowedged that I needed him here. As I hemoraged again that night and had yet another blood transfusion I am very greatfull. But like I said I my post I don't think dad's being allowed over night should be the solution to this, much better care should be so that women don't end up in the situation I did.

Cherry you are bloody deluded and totally sexist against men

Show me a sexist post please? Or a deluded post? Do you think women are lying about their experiences with men?

When have u ever heard of a father attacking or violating another mother on a postnatal ward?

Read the other thread, women being shouted at by men and told to cover up when BF. Or is it ok as long as men aren't being violent?

It's normal to not be paranoid ya know.

Fuck off and gaslight elsewhere. You have no idea what I've experienced or why I feel uncomfortable round strange men (by which I don't think they're odd but they are strangers). How dare you.

Some men are abusive, but they are in the minority

To clarify I think almonds star of 4% is high considering we're talking about sexual predators, that's 1 in 20, certainly not rare! Given the number of men who come in maternity wards, the statistical chance is 1 in 20 will be a sexual predator.

More importantly, abused women are not in the minority.

Your post implies you have mind reading skills too Colby.