About partners on the ward after childbirth?

[hullabaloo234]

Booked in for ELCS for breech baby.

Just going through this week's post and find a letter from the hospital about what to do/not do prior to the op, what time to arrive etc.

At the back is a letter for my "support person", with a list of do's and don'ts for their stay on the ward with me after my section.

Sorry, WTF?! I love DP dearly but not a chance do I want him or more importantly a load of other blokes on the ward.

I was already going to discharge myself the following morning but was realistic about staying a bit longer if needed- bollocks to that I am definitely leaving as soon as my catheter is out and I can walk again!

Am I the only person who thinks this is really bloody unreasonable?!

KateInKorea but according to some women on this thread, new fathers are so in love with their wives and new babies that they pose no threat to women whatsoever. So you must be wrong!

Given how many posters think that a solution to the problem of no curtains is 'get rid of the men' its pretty clear that other women have vastly different ideas about what counts as privacy

No one has said they'd been fine with open curtain as long as men aren't there. I didn't even know other places did and I'm so happy my hospital doesn't!

At times, this thread is almost pulsing with hatred and fear of men

How about we look at the cause rather than the effect - why do you think people fear men? Are they silly hysterical wimmin or do they have good reason?

FWIW I don't hate men but I don't automatically trust them and believe they're good people just because they managed to impregnate someone. As someone earlier point out DV often spikes in pregnancy, a father does not a good man make, and I don't want to share a ward with these people 24 hours of the day when I'm recovering from birth

Why is any contact with other people's children usually strictly controlled by DBS checks and the like but at the most vulnerable time in a baby's life it is expected to spend a night sleeping in a room with 5 strange men??

After reading this thread. If I do ever choose to have another child. I will be going private, and it won't be to avoid the men.

You've turned the issue into one of sexism when its in fact an issue of inadequate care.

Agree 100% bauble. I've recent experience of a non-maternity ward and the issues of neglect outside visiting hours, noisy overcrowded wards so no sleep, etc are not just a post natal issue. (And no, there aren't magical spa hospitals for men only issues like prostate cancer etc, they get the same NHS as the rest of us).

I gave birth at 1am, had a bit of stitching up/bed changing/cleaning us all up after, and because it was late and he was tired (and would have been dangerous to drive) the MWs allowed DH to stay

So basically you were allowed (and are apparently grateful for) the very thing you want to deny other women and campaign against.

Your experience (of privacy, of parents and baby together post birth until they decide father should go home etc) is what I feel 'should' be the norm. Not fathers sent home and mothers and babies shoved onto an exposed ward with a bunch of strange women and left to fend for themselves for up to twelve hours.

I think it is both Persian - massive squeeze to save money (insert cynical face as to why here!) and also rising numbers of babies. This is absolutely not an anti-immigration post, as I am strongly pro-immigration, but if 60% of babies born in London are born to foreign parents, that must be part of the reason - certainly on the ward that I was on, I would say it was more like 90%. It was very very unusual to hear another British accent in the whole 3 weeks + that I was there.

So looking at the figures that I used before, that would mean £11,880,000 a month on births in London to foreign parents - the NHS would not have been dealing with this number of babies 40 years ago, I think.

Why can't we campaign for proper privacy and dignity for all women who have given birth? And for proper attentive healthcare for those that don't have anyone to hand them the baby, help them to the toilet etc?

That's exactly what I want to campaign for what did you think kno meant? I don't think that men sleeping in vulnerable women-only spaces should be required to achieve this

I did ask her if she was alright, she looked exhausted obviously but mortified more that I'd heard it. She may well have been appreciative of stricter hours for visitors
This to me is a symptom of another problem which is women having babies with men who actually do not treat them properly and I suspect that some of these relationships will have broken down within the year.

I don't mean this in an unkind way but I just wish that all women were cherished after the birth of their baby not treated like described in the post.

You've turned the issue into one of sexism when its in fact an issue of inadequate care.

False dichotomy. Women get inadequate care because they're women.

Haven't RTFT. I had a section last year. The hospital allowed partners to be there 8am - 10pm. After DH was sent home was a truly awful time. I was unable to lift my baby from the cot due to not being able to move, I would buzz for a midwife but they were busy and understandably didn't come straight away. It was a lonely, terrifying and upsetting time which could have been made a lot easier had my DH been allowed to stay and help. I understand not everyone will feel this way but this was my experience.

Literally told her he was tired and wanted to rest, so she dragged herself out of the bed so he could lie in it
That is truly awful and it makes you wonder why he didn't just go home.

I also worry about the kind of life that the poor woman and baby are going to have once they get home.

I am in favour of women only spaces. I totally agree with the need for privacy - we should frankly have more separate rooms especially for post birth which often requires a lot less clothing and has a lot more mess going in than in the average ward.

But for me, the need for privacy takes second place to the need for sufficient and adequate care. At the moment staffing levels mean huge numbers of women aren't getting that. I think it's understandable that given the situation we have now, many women think that having their partners there to compensate for that inadequate care is more important than another woman's desire for privacy. Both groups of women are vulnerable , both just as likely to discharge early or be unhappy if the other group gets their preference.

Not read the whole thread but after my section and the long labour and what not I was so pleased I could have OH with me. I honestly didn't care at all about anyone else's partner and was happy for them to have theirs as I was to have mine. I was totally dependent on him for a few days as I could barely move and walking took a long time and was painful. I recovered fairly quickly from my section but I was so grateful to have him there. YABU to question why others want their partner there - why shouldn't they be there? It's their baby too!

But StatisticallyChallenged (and others who made the same point) if we all accept that partners should replace nursing care, then staffing levels will never be improved. It's adding to the problem, not rectifying it.

So basically you were allowed (and are apparently grateful for) the very thing you want to deny other women and campaign against

I have said I am fine with men in private rooms on the delivery ward. I said this in my first post.

I'll spell it out - I don't think men should be staying over in wards where there are other women who are not their partners and babies who are not their babies.

That's exactly what I want to campaign for

No, your comments have repeatedly made it clear you want to campaign for 'women only spaces' which is not at all the same as proper privacy (I.e. from ALL strangers no matter their gender, as you seem to be struggling to understand the point).

Men staying with partners and newborns is only a problem because there's no privacy.

I want to solve the privacy issue, you want to 'get rid of men' and ignore the rest of the privacy issues.

PersianCatLady - ummm...you know DBS checks aren't gender specific. Strangers of both genders are viewed as equally risky in the eyes of the law.

I do think a number of people could do with reading some posts on the feminism forum to understand why women only spaces are needed. Because so many people on this thread seem to think women are being hysterical in asking for privacy and dignity in a safe space.
That's not to say visitors shouldn't be allowed.
Please try and understand why women only spaces (in general) are needed and should be upheld.

Exactly. Yet some women think we need to 'get over ourselves' instead

When men as a class stop posing such a danger to women, then I'll be happy to talk about sleeping next to random strangers when I'm a patient in a hospital. We arenot there right now (although I'm sure I'll be told I'm being dramatic again) so the solution right now is men should stay out of women's spaces.

Extended visiting hours is fine - 24/7 visiting is disruptive and distressing for many, not to mention having to bunk down with men, many of whom are abusive and some who walk round with just their pants on.

YABU to question why others want their partner there - why shouldn't they be there? It's their baby too!

Dear MN
Fathers don't have a right to stay over on an inpatient Ward because they are not a patient in need of care. HTH

But the solution to inadequate care is for the NHS to provide adequate care (hello there Daily Heil, by the way. Do you fancy starting a campaign to push the government into spending some of the £20 billion contributed to the UK economy by immigrants on improved post-natal services ?)

Expecting basic medical care in a hospital to be provided by the baby's father means that those women who don't have a partner - or whose partner is caring for other family members, or is an abusive dickhead who threatens other patients and staff and kicks the new mother out of bed - still can't get the support they need. And they can't use the ward bathroom either, because it's in constant use by male visitors on a shit 'n' shower rota.

Am I weird because I don't view all other men as weird predators who are clearly in maternity wards to leer at vulnerable women? There were two other men on my ward along with my OH. They didn't even notice each other as they were more interested in their newborns.

I realise there are dangerous people out there, but I don't think they out number the none dangerous ones.

But StatisticallyChallenged (and others who made the same point) if we all accept that partners should replace nursing care, then staffing levels will never be improved. It's adding to the problem, not rectifying it.

Quite and I stick by what I said earlier - it would only take care away from women with no support or partner when other people are making a song and dance at HCPs about one specific woman and baby. Unless men are going to make a fuss about the granger in the opposite bed getting attention? Doubt it

No, your comments have repeatedly made it clear you want to campaign for 'women only spaces'

Where? I've said various times we need to campaign for better maternity services, not women only spaces. I believe for a good portion of the day/night postanagal wards should be women only spaces. Please read properly before making things up and attempting to catch me out. It's very boring, I think I know what I want to campaign for 🙄

I want to solve the privacy issue, you want to 'get rid of men'

WTF are you actually going on about? Do you want me to count the number of times I've said I don't want to get rid of male visitors, just not have em there 24/7?