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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

12yo DD thinks she's the boss.

182 replies

GrabtharsHammer · 27/11/2016 10:42

We are going to the ILs for lunch and will be out for about five hours so I've asked DD to get dressed and take the dog out for half an hour first.

She has kicked off. The conversation went as follows.

Me- DD can you go and get dressed and take the dog out for a bit before we go to grandmas?

DD- no, why should I? You do it.

Me- I need to have a shower and get ds2 ready. Do as I've asked please.

DD- why should I? You're not in charge.

Me- Er, I think you'll find I am, take the dog out now please or you will be grounded for a week.

DD- (shouting now) What? You can't ground me just because I won't walk the dog! You should walk her!

Me- (also shouting, not proud of that) You are the child and I am the adult and you need to do as you are told.

Cue storming off and tears and Dh getting involved and she's now sulkily getting dressed.

She doesn't have many chores, just washing up after dinner every other evening and taking the dog out once a week, which I rarely enforce anyway as we usually all go at weekends.

This is fairly par for the course, she is hugely reactive and any request is usually met with shouting and stamping. She says I ask her to do too much and that she's not a slave. She speaks to me like dirt.

AIBU to ask her to do occasional chores? And how on earth should I be dealing with her. She doesn't speak to Dh like this at all.

OP posts:
ShowMePotatoSalad · 27/11/2016 10:44

I don't think YABU. You're not asking for much, but even asking for 1 or 2 chores to be completed can feel like slave labour to a 12 year old. She's heading in to the teenage years. Quite normal, I'm afraid.

specialsubject · 27/11/2016 10:46

Behave like a toddler? Get treated like one. Amputate all gadgets, send to bed early, ignore tantrums, no transport except school. Tell her that she will she treated better when she deserves it.

And get your husband to back you up.

Tolerating brat behaviour does her no favours.

IMurderedStampyLongnose · 27/11/2016 10:49

What special said.No way should you tolerate that,take away all gadgets,early bed etc until she realises she cannot speak to you like that and that she must do what is asked of her.

Original poster
GrabtharsHammer · 27/11/2016 10:50

We don't tolerate the behaviour at all. It's just all such a battle. It's exhausting.

I took her out for lunch and shopping yesterday and when we got in she started shouting at me that I needed to change the ink cartridge because she wanted to print something. I had been on my feet for six hours round the shops by that point and was sitting with a coffee. She called me lazy and selfish because I said she needed to wait. As a consequence, the ink cartridge has remained unchanged.

But it's just exhausting.

OP posts:
Original poster
GrabtharsHammer · 27/11/2016 10:51

And the ink cartridge thing was brought up by her earlier as well, why should she do anything for me when I don't do anything for her. Never mind the six hours and £200 I spent on her treat day yesterday.

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 27/11/2016 10:52

I agree with above

Behaves like a toddler, treat like a toddler

jayisforjessica · 27/11/2016 10:54

What special said, only I would have done it after the first smart comment. Children do not speak that way to adults in this house.

wowfudge · 27/11/2016 10:55

Remind her of that. Rinse, repeat. Tell her you will do nothing for her until she learns some manners and speaks to you politely.

YouTheCat · 27/11/2016 10:56

Definitely treat her like a toddler if that's how she behaves.

Unless the thing she needs to print is for school, that cartridge wouldn't be getting sorted out any time soon.

In fact the £200 worth of stuff would be confiscated until she can earn them back by behaving better.

Hoppinggreen · 27/11/2016 10:57

My DD is 11 and isn't too bad but if she does do her " I'm not your slave/it's so unfair/nobody else Parents" etc crap I refuse to engage.
If I have to respond it's usually "ok, just shut up and do it anyway "

c3pu · 27/11/2016 10:59

My spanking hand is itching after reading that 😂

My 10yo told me he wasn't my servant the other day after I asked him to take his shoes to his bedroom.

Que a long conversation about who was going to cook his dinner and the division of labour within the household 😂😂

KnittingPearl · 27/11/2016 11:03

Amputation surely a bit extreme - predictive for confiscate?!

Original poster
GrabtharsHammer · 27/11/2016 11:04

She's still 'getting dressed' and we are leaving in half an hour. Dh has just said, that's fine, if you don't take ddog out, I won't take you to your party next weekend, it's up to you.

She's now lying on the floor kicking her feet.

Is it too early for wine?

OP posts:
c3pu · 27/11/2016 11:05

She's now lying on the floor kicking her feet.

Is she 12 years or 12 months? 😂

SmilingButClueless · 27/11/2016 11:05

The behaviour isn't acceptable, but I'm not sure I'd insist on her taking the dog out if she's kicking off about it.

Not because it's an unreasonable thing to ask of her. But because I wouldn't want to risk her taking her stroppy mood out on the dog.

Would there be other chores she could do instead?

P1nkP0ppy · 27/11/2016 11:07

I would be returning the £200 of purchases for her back to the shops followed by removal of all gadgets etc.
She's behaving like a toddler diva and needs to learn some manners pdq.

hesterton · 27/11/2016 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouTheCat · 27/11/2016 11:09

I'd follow through with the no party next week then rather than battle on to get her to take the dog out.

She's old enough for more long ranging consequences.

P1nkP0ppy · 27/11/2016 11:09

...lying on the floor kicking her feet.... wtf?

Definitely behaving like a spoilt brat; that's a month without gadgets/grounded for a start.

HardcoreLadyType · 27/11/2016 11:10

We don't tolerate the behaviour at all. It's just all such a battle. It's exhausting.

You need to find new ways of dealing with it, though.

Why did she do as DH said? Perhaps you could learn from his techniques?

Maybe you needed to involve her in your plans more. So, rather than saying "right do this now", say at 9:00, or even yesterday evening, "we're leaving for Grandmas at 11:30, can you make sure you've got ready to go, and walked the dog before then, please."

Yes, she should do the job. But I rarely find saying "do it now" helps.

I really disagree with "if she's going to act like a toddler, treat her like one". I think, "if you want her to act like an adult, treat her like one." (Within her capabilities, of course.)

Original poster
GrabtharsHammer · 27/11/2016 11:11

She's gone out now, barging her way past me and making a face.

Unfortunately the money was spent on lunch, hair, eyebrows and nails. We spent hours trailing round the shops in search of a perfect outfit but didn't find anything so we ordered it when we got home. It's arriving tomorrow so I might hold it to ransom until she improves her attitude.

The treat day was instigated to try and love bomb her, as suggested by her counsellor. We do it every few months.

OP posts:
timeforabrewnow · 27/11/2016 11:12

Why escalate the drama by making a big deal out of it?

Bumbledumb · 27/11/2016 11:15

She's now lying on the floor kicking her feet.

My DW only stopped doing that after she became a mother, and that didn't happen until she was 33.

RB68 · 27/11/2016 11:15

Send it back I say. Sorry but that is completely unacceptable behaviour.

At 12 she should be able to change an ink cart - its not hard.

Mine is 11 tho and we are starting to get attitude. So I am starting to kick back with jobs and hubby is in firing line too as he is teaching her by example quite a few bad practices like floordrobes and dishes on the side not i n the dishwasher etc

LolaTheDarkDestroyer · 27/11/2016 11:16

Why should she walk the dog though? That's a bit harsh to ground her for a week.