12yo DD thinks she's the boss.

[GrabtharsHammer]

We are going to the ILs for lunch and will be out for about five hours so I've asked DD to get dressed and take the dog out for half an hour first.

She has kicked off. The conversation went as follows.

Me- DD can you go and get dressed and take the dog out for a bit before we go to grandmas?

DD- no, why should I? You do it.

Me- I need to have a shower and get ds2 ready. Do as I've asked please.

DD- why should I? You're not in charge.

Me- Er, I think you'll find I am, take the dog out now please or you will be grounded for a week.

DD- (shouting now) What? You can't ground me just because I won't walk the dog! You should walk her!

Me- (also shouting, not proud of that) You are the child and I am the adult and you need to do as you are told.

Cue storming off and tears and Dh getting involved and she's now sulkily getting dressed.

She doesn't have many chores, just washing up after dinner every other evening and taking the dog out once a week, which I rarely enforce anyway as we usually all go at weekends.

This is fairly par for the course, she is hugely reactive and any request is usually met with shouting and stamping. She says I ask her to do too much and that she's not a slave. She speaks to me like dirt.

AIBU to ask her to do occasional chores? And how on earth should I be dealing with her. She doesn't speak to Dh like this at all.

Love bombing works on children who have Low self esteem or attachment problems that means they can act out poor behaviours. It does work but it's not really relevant to this situation I think

The big spendy day out isn't the norm, the idea is that we do what she wants, within reason

I know this is what the "experts" e.g. Oliver James say that love bombing is. I disagree, partly because I know that if I ask my four year old (OK, he's not 12) who also struggles with his behaviour, what he wants to do with Mummy, he will choose the same thing every time. He does not know what's out there and he doesn't know what he will like till he's tried it.

Also, probably like your 12 year old, he doesn't know what things cost (and he also doesn't have a realistic idea of how long things take, how far away things are, and what other things need to be put in place e.g. childcare for DD).

So although I listen to his ideas, usually, whatever I suggest (because I know what kind of things he likes) will be something he enjoys. When he asks to repeat something I try to oblige, though often not immediately!

I do agree that one to one special time with no distractions is what struggling children need, I'm just not sure that children (often with limited imagination about what's possible) are the best to decide the exact details.

(PS I also hate the term "love bombing". Children need attention, they need one to one time, it's not a new or special thing).

It can be very difficult to do this with an angry, hurt child whose instincts are to push you away. All attempts at 'normal' can be rejected. Hate the term all you like. It's a thing. It works for some kids. I catch my DD off guard with it a lot of the time because it seems that she will receive it this way if it isn't a 'planned' thing.
Not everyone gets the 'normal' child either I'm afraid

OP the only response you will get on here is that she is spolit. The 200 quid thing will get people's back up because they think anything more than a tenner is outrageous. I think you really would be better to seek a professional opinion. I don't think discipline is the way to go with this.

I agree with Chickpearocker.

There is just no point in escalating punishments in a situation like this. It will just fuel more resentment on her part and the negative behaviours will likely increase.

Good luck, Op.

Love bombing is the wrong term. Get to know her and love her so much. Listen to her, ask her opinion, change your approach. She is being defensive because she feels insecure.

Next time say let's spend some time together and walk the dog, we can get some girl time away from the boys. Say things like I really need a shower but I am feeling under pressure, can you help me?

Think about your punishments, grounding her for a week for not walking the dog is OTT. I am not surprised she flipped but I can see that you were driven to say that because you felt she was pushing you.

You have had an extremely tough time and you are under an awful lot of pressure.

Please get some counselling for yourself on how to communicate with your DD and see if you can get counselling for her too.

I reared my DC under a tremendous amount of pressure with an aggressive EXH in the background. It took its toll on our relationship to the extent where she was defiant at school, didn't do well in her exams, and took up drinking and smoking cannibas and caused havoc.

I don't want to frighten you but she ended up in a psychiatric ward and you won't believe it but it was the best thing that happened. I am not recommending it by the way but we are completely out the other side now.

The doctors quite quickly established that our family dynamics had hurt her. I didn't know and wasn't equipped to realise the damage it caused her. Her only way to express the hurt she felt was to flip out. She subconsciously tried to tell me about the pain (I don't use this word lightly) she was in by being an absolute nightmare.

I realised that I was nicer to my son because he was easier and she felt very alone and felt that I preferred him to her.. She had massive problems with the way her father treated me and that hurt her.

We are out the other side and we are so so close, I never thought it would be possible. I love her like the way I loved her when she was an adorable baby.

I feel I have got the daughter I couldn't have even dreamt about, I love her so much after so many years of resenting her because of her challenging behaviour. She was trying to get my attention and I didn't know.

I really hope you and your DD get some help. You are both suffering.

Good luck, I will be thinking about you x