12yo DD thinks she's the boss.

[GrabtharsHammer]

We are going to the ILs for lunch and will be out for about five hours so I've asked DD to get dressed and take the dog out for half an hour first.

She has kicked off. The conversation went as follows.

Me- DD can you go and get dressed and take the dog out for a bit before we go to grandmas?

DD- no, why should I? You do it.

Me- I need to have a shower and get ds2 ready. Do as I've asked please.

DD- why should I? You're not in charge.

Me- Er, I think you'll find I am, take the dog out now please or you will be grounded for a week.

DD- (shouting now) What? You can't ground me just because I won't walk the dog! You should walk her!

Me- (also shouting, not proud of that) You are the child and I am the adult and you need to do as you are told.

Cue storming off and tears and Dh getting involved and she's now sulkily getting dressed.

She doesn't have many chores, just washing up after dinner every other evening and taking the dog out once a week, which I rarely enforce anyway as we usually all go at weekends.

This is fairly par for the course, she is hugely reactive and any request is usually met with shouting and stamping. She says I ask her to do too much and that she's not a slave. She speaks to me like dirt.

AIBU to ask her to do occasional chores? And how on earth should I be dealing with her. She doesn't speak to Dh like this at all.

I do think my illness has a bearing on her behaviour, yes. Although she has always been our tricky child.

Try not to make the love bomb thing all about spending money together. Find fun stuff to do together for free - board games, tennis, walks, movie maybe (it's cheaper!!), do each others nails, bake or cook together - but not 200-300 type spends. It limits the love you can share by how much you have in your pocket!
If she likes gymnastics, watch it on you-tube together - and show a real interest. Google stuff together... Don't know what will work for you - but don't spend more than 10-20 pounds for a love bomb - it's all about the love and not the money.

I got a 15 year old (SN - so not quite equivalent) she goes delirious with joy when we do baking together - otherwise is all diva!!

Of course she's being unreasonable - she's 12! It's what they do. How you deal with it, however, may have lasting repercussions through the teenage years. To a certain degree, it's worth picking your battles, because no one wants to live in a warzone.
So, absolutely you must stick to your guns and insist she does certain things to help around the house. Dog-walking is fair game. Also, never accept rudeness.
But I do wonder if you were rather quick to jump in with, "You're grounded for a week." That seems a little excessive for what I might describe as a general grumble and moan before she was going to walk the dog anyway. And if you ground her for that, where have you got left to go when she does something really awful?

I'll second the giving advance notice where possible. At that age (and I was generally helpful) what I resented was being demanded to do something right there and then; whereas parents could reply "I'll do it when it suits me". Even now as an adult I insist on taking control of when I do things, but I always do them.

Have read it all now. Definitely spoilt, way too many taken-for-granted treats, and the counsellor is talking nonsense - love-bombing indeed!

Enforce boundaries, make rules and never permit that rudeness. Activities and treats (horse riding!) to be taken away if rudeness persists.

Behaviour like that doesn't just happen.

She has been allowed to treat you with disrespect multiple times previously, with no proper consequence.

You have to turn it around, otherwise you're in for diabolical teenage years.

Her behaviour this morning... the rudeness, the disrespect, the disobedience, warrants immediate punishment. Not a threat. Or another chnace. She should be forbidden going to the party next week, the outfit returned and electronic gadgets confiscated for the day.

**Take a photo of her

And post it on social media.

It's bound to be seen by someone who's opinion she cares about even if she is ruthless with her settings/friends etc**

Absolutely do NOT do this. Humiliating your own daughter. Who needs enemies when you have a mother that would do something like this?

It's very difficult but will only get worse as she goes through the teenage years, unless you deal with the rudeness every single time. It's so hard not to shout back and escalate the argument, but much more effective if you can manage to stay calm, keep repeating the sanction e.g. "I need you to do this or x will happen. I need you to do this or x will happen..." and calmly leave the room without waiting for a reply. Then if she doesn't do what she has been asked within a reasonable amount of time, just implement the sanction - if she appears and has not done what she was asked, no need to start another argument by saying "Oh you're here now. Well you didn't do y so now x is going to happen." Just implement the sanction at the appropriate time.

Agree with whoever said that it might be helpful if your husband had a talk to her, much later when she is calm, and ask her if she thinks she is being fair to kick off and speak rudely to you when you have just given her a nice day, etc.
12 year olds lying on the floor kicking and screaming?? Just no. Do not give her an audience for that. Just leave the room. She won't go on with the kicking and screaming when there is no attention being paid and no audience.

Have you had parenting classes? Do you get to speak to her counsellor in addition to her speaking to the counsellor? I do feel for you; it's hard when there's a war zone going on and not nice for your other kids.

Anyone else here thinking I'm glad all that''s behind me?

OP have you or DH got siblings? I bet she's all charm to them!

They do rejoin the human species. Promise.

Behaviour like that doesn't just happen. She has been allowed to treat you with disrespect multiple times previously, with no proper consequence. You have to turn it around, otherwise you're in for diabolical teenage years

This. Don't think it will go away and she will change. My sister thought she was the boss at age 12. Tantrums, tears, shouting until my mum gave up and gave in because it was easier.

Now at age 23 she still lives at home and actually is the boss. My mum tiptoes around her and asks her if it's OK to put X films on/invite a friend over/change the kitchen etc. It's sickening and a very fucked up dynamic...and all started with a 12 year old girl not being disciplined.

I took her out for lunch and shopping yesterday and when we got in she started shouting at me that I needed to change the ink cartridge because she wanted to print something. I had been on my feet for six hours round the shops by that point and was sitting with a coffee. She called me lazy and selfish because I said she needed to wait. As a consequence, the ink cartridge has remained unchanged

That's a consequence? For shouting abuse at you?

A consequence would have been sending her to her room and telling her to bloody well stay there until she'd thought about how she just spoke to you and was ready to apologise.

Urgh, pre-teen girls. We have one of those, she doesn't do the lying on the floor and kicking her feet thankfully, but she does act like the Tazmanian Devil at times. We're considering calling in an exorcist actually.

That is a consequence in the original sense of th

Why did she start young carers?

Do your MH issues have an impact on the family in a way that DD has to do more than an average 12yo or care for you?

Why was love bombing suggested?

I'm wondering what led to this situation. It doesn't sound totally out of the realms of 12yo girl behaviour from what I see from friends DDs but it does sound more spoilt than they describe.

What I'd be concerned about though is removing the treats given through love bombing for behaving inappropriately towards you - I could imagine that would be damaging.

I would totally go with behave yourself or no party. I would also word it with if you cannot be trusted to control your temper and react appropriately I cannot trust you to attend a party.

What is she like at school?

You spent £200 on her and she speaks to you and treats you like that??
Words almost fail me.

No more treats, no more money, take away phone, anything else she values. She will get them back ONLY. when she can learn NOT to behave like a stroppy toddler.
Refuse to argue about any of it, stay calm and not shouty (easier said than done, I know) and don't give in. She has to learn that you really do mean it.
And make sure that your Dh backs you up 100%.

That is a consequence in the original sense of the word before it came to be used as synonymous with punishment.

That is a consequence in the original sense of the word before it came to be used as synonymous with punishment

Yes I suppose.

So, IMO, a 12 year old that shouts abuse at her mother should be punished not have a piddly 'consequence'.

Sorry, but this girl needs one (or several) hard slaps to bring her to reality.

If you do not stop it at the first instance, its like closing the barn doors after the horse has bolted. You're seeing the consequences of that via her tantrum.

Sorry, but she is way too spoilt and your DH is spineless for equally not nipping this in the bud when it first happened.

Step hard on this. She'll be bigger than you soon and is already using aggressive behaviour to control you . Remove all privelege , gadgets ... Ground her and tell her in no uncertain terms that she's a child and a member of a family that needs to work together . My eldest and I had , and still have a very peppery relationship, she's in her 20's now and much more human , but she's always been the hardest for me to deal with ...

Wow, Fancy! Child abuse is not the answer to rudeness!

@RhiWrites - Well done for totally taking my comment to the extreme and brilliantly out of context. Well done.

Can empathise with how exhausting this behaviour is!

I agree with sweetgrapes, make the lovebombing about time and avoid spending more than a certain (small) amount. Maybe go for hot chocolate and chat, or to the cinema? Something where you spend time together, not loads and loads of money.

Ooh my first biscuit! Thank you.

So several "good hard slaps" is not extreme or child abuse to you? You're wrong. And the fact you won't admit it makes you even more wrong.

Fancy

We don't know you. We don't know what you meant by slap. And you are now being rude to someone who assumed slap meant .... slap

Stamp down on this now op < voice of experience >