12yo DD thinks she's the boss.

[GrabtharsHammer]

We are going to the ILs for lunch and will be out for about five hours so I've asked DD to get dressed and take the dog out for half an hour first.

She has kicked off. The conversation went as follows.

Me- DD can you go and get dressed and take the dog out for a bit before we go to grandmas?

DD- no, why should I? You do it.

Me- I need to have a shower and get ds2 ready. Do as I've asked please.

DD- why should I? You're not in charge.

Me- Er, I think you'll find I am, take the dog out now please or you will be grounded for a week.

DD- (shouting now) What? You can't ground me just because I won't walk the dog! You should walk her!

Me- (also shouting, not proud of that) You are the child and I am the adult and you need to do as you are told.

Cue storming off and tears and Dh getting involved and she's now sulkily getting dressed.

She doesn't have many chores, just washing up after dinner every other evening and taking the dog out once a week, which I rarely enforce anyway as we usually all go at weekends.

This is fairly par for the course, she is hugely reactive and any request is usually met with shouting and stamping. She says I ask her to do too much and that she's not a slave. She speaks to me like dirt.

AIBU to ask her to do occasional chores? And how on earth should I be dealing with her. She doesn't speak to Dh like this at all.

Hardcore puts it better than I did. There's nothing wrong with understanding one child better than the other and therefore being able to handle them more easily (it's unavoidable when it happens) but so many parents think this means that child is just objectively less troublesome and start to show favour even while insisting they aren't. The comment about the house being calm and her being the only argumentative one is ringing those alarm bells again.

I need to know your daughter's take on all this. Perhaps she really is just an insolent brat who has no right to be unhappy. I think it's likely to be more complicated.

" And our home life is very calm, the only person who argues is dd, so its not behaviour she's seen modelled since she was very tiny."

Shouting isn't the only thing that can cause kids to have an unstable and chaotic home life. Small children tend to be very accepting of their parents, but past a certain age kids do absolutely notice stuff and they do understand that their mum doesn't behave like their mates' mums.

I'm not trying to have a go, but I do think you're underplaying the effect of your illness on your DD. Also worth bearing in mind that there is a genetic factor to certain mental health conditions. She may well be a spoilt brat, but it's also possible that she has a susceptibility to emotional dysregulation herself.

But anyway. I didn't come here to have a go. Take care xx

£200 is a ridiculous amount to spend on a 12 year old. I have DDs and when they were that age I wouldn't dream of spending that much on christmas and birthdays combined. Yet you just do that on a Saturday...

You can't buy attention, love, good behaviour, nothing. Wind back on the love bombing with gifts. Then a treat will really be a treat. You DD must be blase to all of this if £200 is the norm.

Do the boys go to young carers? Did she get referred because you currently have MH difficulties that she has to support you with (I know you said she doesn't care for you but not that you are well ATM) or did she get referred because she was having difficulties and it was decided because of past MH difficulties she was considered a carer?

I think it's important here to know how long these difficulties have been apparent, if they are just between the 2 of you or are seen in school and her social circle. Has her behaviour improv d since being in YC and having the love bombing or has it deteriorated further.

Also be very careful that her siblings don't see your frustration with her behaviour or logger heading each other.

A friend of mine has a difficult 12yo. her 11yo is also quite difficult but in a different way. She often sits and texts her eldest who is being "I can do as I want" when out in front of her youngest and her youngest gets read the texts. Youngest also goes into school and up to eldest teachers and asks them if she is behaving herself and tells them what she's been like at home. My friend cannot see how this may affect eldest.

Yet, interestingly, I find the eldest the most endearing of the 2, far easier to manage and actually get on well with her.

I don't argue with my teens at all really. Since they were about 10 I have always followed the same routine.

If I asked them to do something and they said no I would just do it myself (or leave it) and the next time they asked me to do (or give them) something I would simply say no.

It worked a treat, with only a few tantrummy outbursts, as they realised I meant it. They are now 15 & 18 and we have a harmonious house.

hate to say it nokids 17 was the very worst age for one of my kids so hang on to that harmony because sometimes it doesn't last!

lol I'm under no illusions about teenagers and how quickly they change! But so far so good so fingers crossed eh

Yes... and my DD and how she was at 17 was pretty unique hehe... no trouble with the others, I could see it brewing mind, so if you're fine at 15 and 16 I should think you're sorted

Sorry... 15 and 18 I meant!

Sounds horribly familiar - welcome to teenagerhood!! and yes, it is exhausting

If anything OP perhaps this should make reconsider spending £200 in the name of love bombing a few weeks before Christmas. Although your intentions were good it clearly hasn't worked. Do 12 year olds really need to spend that sort of money on hair, nails and eyebrows.

Does she get an allowance or pocket money? Perhaps she could earn this by helping out at home and save up for treats like this in future. Maybe this way she might appreciate things a bit more.

All three are under young carers. Me and ds2 do a one to one group thing once a month which is lovely. Ds1 could go to youth club and on the trips but he doesn't want to at the moment. They all meet with our keyworker every few weeks and get to talk to her on their own about anything.

They got referred through social services after I was hospitalised. They offered counselling to both older kids but only DD wanted to.

The big spendy day out isn't the norm, the idea is that we do what she wants, within reason, and this time she wanted a 'girly day' of lunch, pampering and shopping. It all mounted up quite quickly, I certainly wouldn't usually drop £200 on her for no reason.

But to have her getting arsey the day after shows that splashing out 200 quid just like that is not working.

I'm wondering if there's an element of DD now feeling like you owe her for the past difficulties? It's like someone has said DD problems are down to you, so she's taken that at face value, but to the extreme that even a love bombing day isn't enough - you still owe her.

Maybe the tables need to turn so she learns that in a family there is give and take. Everyone has a difficult time and support each other through it - it's not tit for tat.

Sounds like her behaviour comes from anxiety and the need to control everything. I think your counsellor is giving good advice. But it isn't going to get better quickly, and you need to look after yourself. Try and reassure her when you are able. I k ow how tough it is, and there is no 'quick fix'. Just keep on following the advice and read up on AD. You'll find it really helps.

She lost her Dad at 2 and, due to your depression, it's likely you were physically there but not emotionally or mentally at least some of the time. I say this as someone who's been hospitalised through depression, not as a judgement; it can make you go inside yourself and not really properly interact with people and the world around.

It definitely does sound like an issue of attachment.

Yes I agree. I feel so guilty. But I just don't know how to help her. I can't let her get away with being so rude and obstructive. We set good clear boundaries, we are a very secure family unit, there are lots of cuddles and love. It's just such an uphill struggle with her and I feel like I'm getting it all wrong every day.

You don't have to tolerate the rudeness. Have you tried setting a time aside with her, not necessarily to buy things, but sit and talk, ask her how she's feeling and her view on things, and really listen?

The guilt maybe the route cause. Teens are hard and will take every mile they can given an inch. I can imagine that yiur DD knows this.

Clear boundaries and not spending a fortune as a way to recify issues should help you both come out the other side.

Have you tried the old "I love you but I don't like this behaviour" phrase we toddle out to young children? So she is reassured everytime she behaves this way that you love her? Some children just have that pros laity where they have to test that love - and can't stop once they start. Well, some adults do as well really. I think it comes from a lack of inner confidence.

It's just such an uphill struggle with her and I feel like I'm getting it all wrong every day.

Do try "Explosive Child" - it might help you avoid some of the rudeness and obstruction before it even starts. And it might make you feel less helpless, you will be able to make choices about what to let go and what to pick up on, rather than feeling you have to keep going head to head to head with her.

For whatever reason, you have one child who is very compliant and one who isn't and you can't magically transform one into the other. But there are ways round it. You will get there in the end. Try not to feel guilty.

I have one of these. She's 14. She can at times be completely charming. Today she washed up then wanted praise for the entire day! Taking her phone or changing wifi password (or saying you will) usually gets a result.

She also cannot use a microwave to make food (of her choice) without getting all het up and demanding I do it.

Ignoring the drama also helps, not shouting back but I feel your pain

Doesn't she care about the dog?

You need to make love bombing about spending 1:1 time with her and letting her get to choose the small stuff. So whether to stay in PJs all day at home, which movie to watch, what to have for dinner - that kind of thing. Maybe a hot chocolate out together. Not dropping £200 on beauty treatments

She called me lazy and selfish because I said she needed to wait.

I find this so amazingly unacceptable! What's made her think this is okay?!

Never mind the six hours and £200 I spent on her treat day yesterday.

By Grabthar's Hammer, that is not a savings.