12yo DD thinks she's the boss.

[GrabtharsHammer]

We are going to the ILs for lunch and will be out for about five hours so I've asked DD to get dressed and take the dog out for half an hour first.

She has kicked off. The conversation went as follows.

Me- DD can you go and get dressed and take the dog out for a bit before we go to grandmas?

DD- no, why should I? You do it.

Me- I need to have a shower and get ds2 ready. Do as I've asked please.

DD- why should I? You're not in charge.

Me- Er, I think you'll find I am, take the dog out now please or you will be grounded for a week.

DD- (shouting now) What? You can't ground me just because I won't walk the dog! You should walk her!

Me- (also shouting, not proud of that) You are the child and I am the adult and you need to do as you are told.

Cue storming off and tears and Dh getting involved and she's now sulkily getting dressed.

She doesn't have many chores, just washing up after dinner every other evening and taking the dog out once a week, which I rarely enforce anyway as we usually all go at weekends.

This is fairly par for the course, she is hugely reactive and any request is usually met with shouting and stamping. She says I ask her to do too much and that she's not a slave. She speaks to me like dirt.

AIBU to ask her to do occasional chores? And how on earth should I be dealing with her. She doesn't speak to Dh like this at all.

Take a photo of her

And post it on social media.

It's bound to be seen by someone who's opinion she cares about even if she is ruthless with her settings/friends etc

Frightening thing is that if she is normally well behaved and co-operative, this is likely to be the start of her being a teenager and she will be like this or worse for the next 3/4 years at least.

Hair, nails and eyebrows?! You're giving her 'adult' treats and she acts like a toddler.

Never mind the six hours and £200 I spent on her treat day yesterday.

Did you keep the receipts?

If the stuff is still boxed/unworn, I'd take it straight back.

Definitely hold on to the outfit when it arrives. I know pre-teen years can be hard (and I still remember them myself) but the tasks that you're asking your daughter to do aren't onerous or exhausting.

It's good that your husband is backing you up in challenging her behaviour. Makes me feel sorry for my poor mum - three boys and me - and a useless husband until she got rid!

Why should she walk the dog though?

Because her mother asked her to?

Because the dog can't walk itself?

Because she is a member of the family and families pitch in?

Because her mama just dropped £200 and 5 hours shopping on her?

I could go on...

Take a photo of her

And post it on social media.

If someone at school did that, it would be called "cyber-bullying".

My children only face pull and moan once when asked to do a chore before they strenuously informed that no more meals will be cooked, phone bills will not be paid, iPads will be removed etc. They know I will do it too so apologies and better attitudes tend to arrive quickly.

That said I do pick my moments especially with my dd as there are times when she's so far gone that nothing I say works so I will bide my time till she's calmer.

I would have said "fine, don't walk him then, but don't for one moment think you're getting that outfit we ordered" and I would have followed through as well.

OP obviously as your Dd has counselling I'm sure there is more to these behaviour issues. I just wanted to say sometimes Dd and I have arguments like this and it quickly escalates and becomes this big dramatic thing. I find it useful to.think of those times when I was her age..times I was really annoyed.with my Mum for making me go to the shop or whatever..I didn't understand why I had to go. Just incredibly self centred because I was verging on a teenage girl ...wanting to.be not bossed around and a grown up. If I exercised my 'right' to question Why?

Exactly Verybitchyrestingface!

"Because I said so!" Is a perfectly acceptable reason in my house! I don't HAVE to get my kids the Xbox games they want.
They don't HAVE to have sweets. I'm fulfilling my obligations by keeping them well fed. Treats are just that, treats.
They don't HAVE to have name brand clothes. My obligations are to keep them dressed and warm.

You are not asking her to do anything unreasonable, not at all. But I think she did what they all do and started a row that would enable her to flip out and waste time.

Don't get sucked in after you've stated what you'd like done. walk away and remain calm until you need to take it to the next level.

DS2 does this all the time. I have learned to walk out of the room

I have 2 DDs. Now 18 and 24. From reading what you have written i think you are treating like an adult when she is still a child. You really need to put the boundaries in place right now and make sure she understand that she is still a child and needs to respects you and do what she i told (within reason obviously).

The hair/nails/brows treat is much to adult a treat for a 12 year old. That is what i gave my DD for her 18th birthday.

The new outfit must be withheld until you see an improvement in her behaviour. If there is no improvement the outfit is returned. No discussion. Ignore the tantrums like you would a small child. She is getting attention for doing this and it sounds like attention is what she is seeking. Don’t let her see you become riled. Act like none of it really bothers you. What is it to you if she doesn’t have a new outfit for her parties?

Once she sees you mean business and that she has to earn any treats and privileges then you might just see an improvement in her attitude.

Why is she seeing a counsellor?

SHe has counselling through young carers because of my MH issues.

We try really hard to make sure my stuff doesn't impact on her. She has several hobbies (gymnastics, riding, youth club etc) and spends lots of time with friends which we facilitate.

I do sometimes worry that she is actually spoilt. We have two boys as well and they are no trouble.

I also think that if she's rude to you and gets a rise out of you, then maybe your DH should be the one who (later, when it's all died down) talks to her about how she talks to you.

I try to bear in mind that in the end, we mostly win these battles. She did what you wanted. She needed to create a big old fuss to get there to assert herself, but you did win

I

A friend's eighteen year old dd once threw herself to the floor kicking and screaming because my friend wouldn't make her breakfast as she was having coffee with me. I burst out laughing because it was the most bizarre thing I'd seen, she quickly got up and stomped off. No idea if she still does it but try laughing out loud and see if it works.
I think you need to be cutting back drastically on the treats and making chores regular and frequent until she starts behaving in a way that means she deserves treats and rewards.

Pressed send to soon ..then it quickly escalated into a massive drama argument everything is 'unfair' . I do find it better to make requests to Dd in the vein of 'can you give me a hand doing such a such.. because etc etc' pick your battles if she says no and is rude a simple ' ok fine but consequences of your rude behaviour is....'. Stay calm and do not engage.

I do sometimes worry that she is actually spoilt. We have two boys as well and they are no trouble.

Does she give your husband an equal amount of grief?

Boundaries need to be firm. She's a member of the family and should behave like it and pitch it.

She is nowhere near as rude to Dh but she does have her moments with him. He is much much more placid than me and is able to stay calm. If he does shout (rarely) it has an immediate effect.

Me and her just end up locking horns. It's horrible.

Dd had a friend who had massive tantrums at 18 because she wanted her dad (on the sick and no money) to give her £200 for hair extensions. She had been treated to everything she wanted and was thoroughly spoilt.

Since you have mentioned your MH issues I wonder whether she's actually quite angry with you. Or she's testing you.

That is not fair on you, it's not rational and in the long term she should not be allowed to act out in that way. But it might be something for you to raise with the counsellor. I know someone whose teen addresses their rudeness to the parent who has been ill. Vulnerability in our parents can make us feel unsafe and resentful when we're dealing with our own vulnerability in teenage years.

Aside from that, ignoring, simple calm messages, walking away and now getting into a debate.
I think teens are like toddlers. One of mine tested me when I had PND

... I hope I do not upset you with what I have suggested. It doesn't really change the way you deal with her.

It may be that she's just spoiled

I rather wonder if your MH issues and your DD’s reaction to this means she is actually crying out for you to be firmer with her. Children, even older ones, all need to feel safe and secure. I think she is testing you to see if you will step in and put the boundaries that she needs in place. This will then allow her to feel secure.

Haven't RTFT yet.

I was on a train once listening to one side of a conversation, an 18ish yo girl berating someone, abusing, swearing, belittling, insulting.

I wondered who would stay on the line to listen to all that for the 25 minutes she was talking, oblivious to earwiggers' gasps of absolute horror.

Before she hung up we heard "love you mummy, byeeee, bye mummy, love you, talk to you tomorrow".

Slap this down NOW. She does NOT get to talk to you like that.

I am having similar awful behaviour from ds1 ATM, talking to me like dirt so you have my every sympathy. You are not alone.