12yo DD thinks she's the boss.

[GrabtharsHammer]

We are going to the ILs for lunch and will be out for about five hours so I've asked DD to get dressed and take the dog out for half an hour first.

She has kicked off. The conversation went as follows.

Me- DD can you go and get dressed and take the dog out for a bit before we go to grandmas?

DD- no, why should I? You do it.

Me- I need to have a shower and get ds2 ready. Do as I've asked please.

DD- why should I? You're not in charge.

Me- Er, I think you'll find I am, take the dog out now please or you will be grounded for a week.

DD- (shouting now) What? You can't ground me just because I won't walk the dog! You should walk her!

Me- (also shouting, not proud of that) You are the child and I am the adult and you need to do as you are told.

Cue storming off and tears and Dh getting involved and she's now sulkily getting dressed.

She doesn't have many chores, just washing up after dinner every other evening and taking the dog out once a week, which I rarely enforce anyway as we usually all go at weekends.

This is fairly par for the course, she is hugely reactive and any request is usually met with shouting and stamping. She says I ask her to do too much and that she's not a slave. She speaks to me like dirt.

AIBU to ask her to do occasional chores? And how on earth should I be dealing with her. She doesn't speak to Dh like this at all.

I have been where you are and the only thing I can recommend is to do what other posters said just completely love bomb her. Her behaviour is trying to tell you something that she can't articulate properly . Don't ever underestimate the damage that can be caused by early disruption to family life.

My mother was ill with mental health problems like you and a lot fell on my shoulders and although it looked like I was coping I wasn't.

My own DD struggled with the breakdown of my marriage to her father and again it looked like she was coping but she wasn't. She is 19 now and after years of challenging (to put it mildly) behaviour she has had a breakdown because of things that hurt her in the past.

I am a decent parent and thought it right to stamp out challenging behaviour but looking back I was wrapped up in my own problems and thought the kids didn't notice. She noticed and it harmed her.

Grab her tightly to you and tell her she is the most important person because she is your first born. Show her your vulnerability and ask her to help you with the young ones. Make time for the two of you alone and tell her over and over again how much you love her.

She is only 12. Crazy as it might seem to you she probably thinks you like the boys better and in all fairness they are easier to get on with so she is probably feeling isolated.

Just love her and make you and her best buddies. I wish you well

Treating a 12 year old to £200 worth of stuff and meals out is spoiling. Unless there is something mentally wrong with your DD, you are bringing up a spoilt brat. Tighten the purse strings and refuse to put up with rude behaviour, otherwise she will only get worse. Taking the time to be kind but fair shows more love than spending money and allowing a twelve year old to speak to you in such a manner. You are not doing her any favours.

Hang in there op. Maybe next time, you have the the treat day to rejuvenate yourself and give you the energy you need to keep holding her!

Love bomb her?! Basically a free pass to behave how she wants and get rewarded yeah? Fucking spanked backside more like! Bollocks if I would have my 12 year old speak like that!

Why is my 12 year old in your house??!!

I have the kindest, most generous, thoughtful DD in the whole entire world (I genuinely believe she is up there with the best). Unfortunately she leaves all her wonderful traits at the door when she comes back home! Posting here to remind myself to come back and rtft for advice.

I know! We do lots of things that aren't money oriented. But Saturday was all about lunch, shopping anf pampering.

I would be very tempted to 'lovebomb' her bottom with my smacking hand. There again I always loved taking our dog for a walk when I was a teenager.

My mother would have skelped my ar*e and I'd have never done it again.

I think, at this age, as a parent you can be surprisinhly succesful by treating them as adults.

So less of the "do what I say, because I say so"

And more like:" we need to get ready to visit granny, a few things need doing: can you entertain Dd2 whilst I shower and pack? Or would you prefer to take the dog out for a bit. Either would be very helpful"

This gives her an element of choice.

IMO, kids like it when you involve them in making the day a success.

And as to guilt, that is part of being a parent, we all have it!

Good luck.

Oh, and you're not meant to be "best buddies" with your 12 year old for a start. That's half the problem with some of these badly behaved, rude young teens.

I think 'beauty treatments' are an AWFUL thing to do with a 1 yo.My DD2 is coming up to 12 and none of her friends would be remotely interested in anything like that.
wouldn't she have preferred something like a riding lesson or cinema?

..and remember she is overloaded with hormones at the moment.We seem to think it acceptable that PG woman can behave stroppily and have mood swings, but not 12 and 13 yo girls going through puberty?

My DD is 12. She is mostly pretty easy to live with and quite biddable but I would never her give her orders. She's not my slave.

I think there's a lot of posturing on this thread. All talk of slapping, coming down hard etc. I don't get it. She isn't the worst behaved child in the world, I just don't see how all of this is going to build a better relationship.

I think it's better if everything is dealt with within the day it happened. If they are rude in that day, say 'that's very rude, I don't now feel like doing X' in a calm way and follow through. Otherwise, she's not really being love bombed, is she? She's being allowed to do things which can then be taken away, used as punishment which entirely defeats the point of lovebombing (which isn't about money anyway).

Secondly, if I was sitting down having a cup of tea and someone stood over me and said 'can you get dressed and go and walk the dog please' I might not feel like doing it that second even if I didn't mind walking the dog. I think teens are like toddlers and need plenty of warning, best outline the day at the start 'today I'll need you to do X before we go to grandmas' and perhaps a reminder later on (with a consequence for not doing it). I've found if we all have a chat and discuss what needs doing, it goes much better than me yelling out instructions near to the time we need to leave.

If she's then rude, or doesn't do it, fair enough. But if she walked the dog, with a roll of the eye, let it go.

It's all dragging out, it's all high drama, the more you can de-escalate the better.

I'm not saying that this age isn't infuriating, I have a sulky one of a similar age, but I have found that backing out, laying out the consequence and keeping everything really calm (so not entering the heat of battle) helps. It is hard though, and I do lose it at times. But being harder, more commanding, less flexible, laying down the law, I don't get how that will help at all.

agree lovelyskin.

Only that I would say try to treat them like adults, not toddlers.

But maybe that is the same

Cannot imagine slapping (or wanting to) , the same I would never slap an adult if they did something that displeased me.

My mum was divorced twice by the time I was 12. Changed school 3 times, moved house 8 times. She had depression but she set firm boundaries. No way in hell would I have spoken to her like that.

She is taking the piss. Love bombing?! What a load of shite, you asked her to walk the dog. I'd say "No problem smart arse. iPad/phone/console please."

It's obviously not an isolated incident though and you can't hope to tackle it easily.
To be honest after the way she spoke to you after your £200 shopping trip I would have been taking the stuff back for refund the next day!

Kids do NOT talk to adults like that. Simple.

In any thread about misbehaving children, there are always a couple of dinosaurs who pop up from 1977, puff up and tell everyone how brave and strong and wonderful they are because they'd be so keen to slap around someone so much smaller than they are. Bonus points if they also vomit forth some bollocks about teenagers being dreadful these days, as if bitching about the youth of today isn't so old that Plato was doing it.

I think they genuinely believe they'll get admiration for it. The good news is they usually finish ossifying quite quickly.

Sheba

£200 pampering!! Fucking hell that is quite spoilt. Was it her birthday?

I think I'll leave the thread as I can't get over spending 200 on getting nails and brows done for a 12 year old.

See I was more imaging the £200 was for the day out for both of them.
you have that in your purse, stick a fiver in the parking meter, coffee and cake each, a new top, lunch for both, nails and brows, a mascara and nail varnish, some new tights and a lipgloss, pop into Tesco for milk on way home etc, then you've more or less spent the £200 at the end of the day but it wasn't all on the 12yr old.

THat was basically how it went. I didn't actually spend £200 on her specifically but that's what the whole day out cost, roughly. I had my brows done and had lunch, plus coffee and cake while she had a hot chocolate. Things like that. Lunch was c£60.

I'm sorry but "lovebomb" what in the good name of fuck is that ??

How about she behaves herself full stop.