To be so upset, worried and angry at son

[dogsdieinhotcars]

Son is 16. Text about 21:00 saying he's staying at a friend's. Someone I don't know. So I say no, don't know them or parents. He's 16 (just). He says everyone is so he is. I'm saying no. Where are you? Says somewhere vague about 3 miles away. I insist. He continues to say nonsense about why and can't get back coz he got there by taxi. Basically I ring him. Tell him he has to get home. Where are you? Asks his friend who laughs and says somewhere about 6 miles away. I am angry and shout telling him I need an address to pick him up. He won't give it. Don't know! Puts phone down. I text. His dad texts saying you Ave until 22:00 to tell us the address. He must turn his phone off after I text how disrespectful he is being. And he has not answered nor text since. I have gone through anger, to hurt and now fear. I am so worried and yet immensely disappointed. I never raised him to be like this. I have to work at 07:00 and I am so churned and anxious. He is still my child, and I thought he was a friend to me. I don't know what to do.

Ah! He sounds just like me.

I had odd parents... said one thing, meant another. Put on the show of being 'friends', stern but fair, concerned, loving. Always knowing best!

If I was a good girl and always told the truth, told them where I was, who I was with, all would be well. So I did and got told no.. over and over again. For the slightest of reasons... DM didn't like the sound of it, didn't know that place, those people. I had to prove myself... how I am not sure, as I was always told I wasn't mature enough, was a follower, would be led astray. I never lied, always asked, always accepted their decisions.

I went along with it until I was 16, in VI form and travelled independently each day. I was still controlled, DF would randomly drive by college to check I was there. I was enjoying it and wouldn't have dreamt of skipping classes. But that didn't stop the constant surveillance, questioning, accusations.

Then I chose to just stay out.. no mobiles then, so I rang home, told them what I was doing, who I was with, general area I was in, when I would be back. Then put the phone down. They called the police - who told them I was 16 and as I had phoned, I wasn't missing! DF drove round aimlessly looking for me. Getting angrier and angrier.

I left college. Well, DF found me a bedsit and moved me in, as I was old enough to make my own decisions now! Yet still they spyed on me!

So I moved 200 miles away and didn't contact them for about 3 years.

DSIS just lied to them. From about 13 she went out on all nighters hundreds of miles from home, pregnant aged 15... all the things they were sure I was doing and never had! They never quetioned her... she was more mature, more trustworthy!

Sometimes being right about your kids is stifiling, you don't see them growing up, you keep that idealised version in your head for far too long.

I doubt OPs DS thinks of himself as immature, just babied. He isn't a follower, just never has opportunitites to be himself, to find out.

I bet he'll be terrified to come home and will arrive late and belligerent. Then, when he has weathered all you choose to throw at thim, he will decide that all the hassle is worth it... and you will lose him, maybe for a short while, maybe for years or forever! That will be up to you, your next move!

RyanGosling I have huge respect for teenagers and like them enormously and they like me. I have taken deprived teenage children away for holidays at my own expense. I recently took a boy away who was renowned for his bad behaviour at school and at home - everyone thought I was nuts inckuding his mum - he was as good as gold with me, polite, helpful and obedient - because he knew I liked and respected him. I have a close relationship with both my teenage sons and their partners and friends. And there are also boundaries and rules in our home but not draconian ones. So, our 16 yr old can go out and he can stay over at friends even if we don't know the parents, however he must stay in touch with us, make sure his phone is fully charged, come home by his curfew unless he calls to tell us he is staying elsewhere. As a result, he is regularly home before his curfew, often comes home even when his group of mates are staying over at some one's house and calls me regularly to tell me where he is. I have huge respect for him and his ability to make sensible decisions and he knows it and that makes for a good relationship.

I think you need to separate the issues here.

I think it's hard learning to let go. It's normal to worry. You are unrealistic to expect to know all of his friends parents personally and I think saying he can't go anywhere without you knowing the family is a bit OTT at 16 years old. However, it's not unreasonable to want to know what his plans are/where he is and what time he plans to be back etc.

Your DS didn't behave well and you need to have a chat about the way he spoke to you. I'd be annoyed too. However, you lost some of the high ground with your own (and DH's) behaviour and I think you need to reflect on that. You do seem overly anxious (I'm a Dr and I agree, some of the things we see can make you think of the worst case scenario) and have a tendency to catastrophise. Your son, at 16, needs to have some independence. How will he navigate the adult world if you police him so heavily?

Your husbands text that he'd "lost a good friend on you" is bonkers. You are not his friends, you are his parents. Once he is an independent adult, you can develop a more friend-like relationship. The idea that one episode of bad behaviour would result in losing his friendship is really quite ridiculous. Never make threats you can't/won't keep or use emotional blackmail to get your way with your children. It will only come back to bite you in the bottom at some point, it's not good parenting. Respect works both ways, after all.

My parents had a rule that they needed to know what my plans were, who I was with and that I had to let them know if plans were changing. They certainly didn't demand to know all of my friends parents before allowing me to stay over. I also knew I could call anytime if I needed picked up/wanted to come home and there wouldn't be "I told you so" or guilt trips or panicking. I never felt I needed to lie to my parents about where I was. I also felt they trusted me and I didn't want to let them down- and this played a part in preventing me from making bad decisions. I learnt how to make good decisions and trust my own judgement in part because of this.

Christ, the OP was just concerned for her child and wanted him home. That's not unreasonable or controlling. I wouldn't have been allowed to stay at a strangers house when I was 16 but that doesn't mean that my parents were emotionally abusive control freaks- they just had clear boundaries set- the same as the OP.

He is 16- he is still a child and not knowing his whereabouts is worrying. Believe me, I teach 16 year olds and they are certainly not as mature as they (or apparently others) think they are. They still need boundaries and guidance.

I hope he has arrived home safe and well, OP.

Pearls

yes, of course teenagers need rules and boundaries. Those rules and boundaries need to be realistic and sensible though, surely? I don't think it's particularly realistic to only allow your 16 year old to spend time at houses of people you personally know. It seems to be over infantalising him, IMHO.

Fair enough to want to know what his plans are, who he is with and where he is. And to ask to be informed of any change to plans. I think complete veto on everything, without negotiation is never a useful way to teach teenagers to be responsible. They'll just rebel. I wonder if OPs DS will simply lie next time- if he had this time, OP would have been none the wiser. I had friends who did this as their parents were totally over protective.

I also have to say, using emotional blackmail and threats in an attempt get their DS to behave as they want is really foolish. He shouldn't have spoken to his mum the way he did and clearly, he should have come home when asked. I understand why he didn't though. He has to take the consequences of not following the household rules. But respect works both ways, and at 16 I would have respected my parents a whole lot less if they had done this.

I don't understand how anyone realistically expects to know all of their children's friends' parents by the time they're 16. By the time DS was that age, he had friends from primary school, secondary, and the various activities he did. I knew the primary friends' parents, but that was about it - I worked full time, many of the other parents worked full time, we wouldn't have had time to socialise. If any of them had come round determined to vet me before their DC could come to my house, I would have thought them slightly bonkers. DS had a couple of friends with quite famous parents, and I would have seemed like a sad fame-seeker if I'd insisted on meeting them.

In fact, there was a long period when I would regularly come downstairs in the morning to find a selection of somnolent boys crashed out on our sitting-room floor. In many cases it was because their own home lives were troubled for various reasons, and I was glad to be able to provide some sort of safe space for them. I never met any of their parents.

"How many people ... would let their 16 year old move out into his own flat at this age?"

Ooo! Ooo! Me! Me! I'd wave mine off with a cheery wave. In a heart beat.
(I dare say that my willingness to see back of them rather encourages them to tow what lines we do have)

I feel like there is a lot OP hasn't told us about where the kid was supposed to be all day & with who, which may matter a lot. Still, I like to think in OP's situation, I would have a convo like below. Talk thru with them the possible risks rather than dictate terms. Help them make a good decision. If they see it's dodgy they'll be glad to have a lift rather than rebel.

Text about 21:00 saying he's staying at a friend's. Someone I don't know.... He says everyone is [staying] so he is.

Me "Who is that? Please say that there is a sensible adult there. I wish you had told me about this plan a lot earlier. Are you sure you have everything you need & that they want you to stay all night. I could pick you up at 11pm instead."

Kid: hopefully useful reply

Me: "What is address where Ur at so I know where to start looking if you don't make it home tomorrow. Do you want a lift 2moro, what time?"

... Me: "okay fine, thanks for letting me know. Please get some sleep so you aren't too exhausted for school on Monday."

Sorry OP, although I understand you want to keep him close YABU. He is 16, he called to let you know he was staying out with a friend and he would have told you where he was if you hadn't said no he couldn't stay. How else was he meant to be heard when you were being unreasonable, if he had told you where he was you would have come and got him and humiliated him in front of his friends.

It would have been much better to listen to him, find out where he was staying and tell him you were bring over a bag of fresh clothes so you could check the place out.

My husband told him in text that he has lost a good friend in me. is immature emotional blackmail designed to make you son feel bad.

I read something (think it was a teen parenting book review) the other day which struck a chord. It was something along the lines of transitioning from being your teens Manager to Consultant. At 16 you should be well along the road to consultant.

op-i am with you
i have a 16 year old son and there is NO WAY he would be staying out all night at an unknown address

yes at 16 they are growing up but they are still kids, we are still responsible for their safety.

he could have been ANYWHERE! literally anywhere.

Quite a few people are focusing on the 9pm home time and I agree, that is daft for a 16 year old on a Friday night. But it doesn't give him the right to turn off his phone and refuse to say where he is. It makes it somewhat more likely, but he crossed a line in my view.

Hope he is home safely now anyway.

No, that didn't give him the right to turn off his phone and not say where he was. The trouble was that he did that in response to OP's reaction - I'm sure he didn't want her turning up to take him home and totally embarrassing him in front of his friends, and he didn't want her phoning him all night. If she'd said he could stay if he let her know where he was, or even that she'd prefer to pick him up at, say, midnight, I'm sure he'd have been perfectly happy to hand over the address and wouldn't have felt the need to turn the phone off.

I think the 'lost a friend' response was very controlling and rather odd, to be honest. It seems as though maybe he has reached the limit of being controlled and is now rebelling, heavy punishment might just create more secrecy and risky behaviour.

Perhaps agreeing to allowing him to stay if he said where he was and agreed to leave his phone switched on would have been better in the long run? I would imagine he had visions of you turning up and embarrassing him. Had he got into a dodgy situation last night he may well have felt unable to call you because of your earlier reaction.

How many people ... would let their 16 year old move out into his own flat at this age? I had just had my 17th birthday when I came home to find out I no longer lived there!

At 16 you are considered adult... may be difficult to get a flat due to lack of money, bank account, references etc, but it still isn't impossible.

Over the years I have taught a good handful of 16 year olds who, for a wide range of reasons, have lived independently - choice, just put of care, emancipated due to abuse, etc.

It's the start of that cusp of adulthood, testing boundaries, learning the realities of being independent. Parenting this age means learning to let go... or losing them!

WouldHave: I'm sure he wouldn't have felt the need, but he is still in the wrong. I think the OP might read this thread and see that she needs to start loosening the apron strings over time with her son, but I hope she doesn't read it and think she needs to start acquiescing to everything he wants because otherwise he will please himself anyway. He is still a non-adult living in her home. There have to be lines and for me this would be one of them.

I am with yeOldeTrout.

It is far less stressful.

DS1 (now in second year of uni) never went out, was always a home bird).

DS2 (just turned 17) however is a different kettle of fish altogether. It is all about his social life. He is never at home on a weekend. What I did do though in the summer (his friendship group changed slightly and two of his friends already have cars as they are slightly older) was try and get to know them in a way that didn't look like I was being nosey. I said to DS, if you are passing text and I will put some pizzas in the oven for you all knowing that teens are always hungry and never pass up food, worked a treat.

All we ask of him now is that he texts or says before he goes out if he is going to be back or not. As long as he is in at a decent time on a Sunday eve for college on a Monday we are happy.

I do feel for you OP, it is hard to let go, for your own sanity, do it sooner rather than later

All this business about your 16 year old son being your friend and you withdrawing your 'friendship' when he won't obey you is an inappropriate way for you to conduct a mother-son relationship. So quit with that emotionally blackmailing shit already.

"My husband told him in text that he has lost a good friend in me."
Did he really? What a tit.

This post has made me feel really angry on your son's behalf. No wonder he turned his phone off. Get a grip of yourselves and stop being so manipulative to your son. It's awful.

OurBlanche: But I think we would all agree that kicking out your 17 year old for anything other than out of control behaviour is bad parenting. There was a thread a while back where the poster was planning to put her 16 year old in a flat down the road because they weren't getting on, and virtually every poster said something along the lines of "You can't do that; she is a child!"

skipped to the end, did the boy make it home?

"My husband told him in text that he has lost a good friend in me"

Agree this is an utterly immature, passive aggressive and emotionally manipulative not to mention unhealthy parental response.

If you were to get such a response from a third party about a "friend" no longer being friends with you, would you:

a) grovel and try and make it up to friend: what I assume you're aiming to achieve
b) put across your case that you're sorry they feel that way, but (justification of behaviour)
c) feel pissed off at them for a huge over-reaction and emotionally over- dramatic
d) decide that clearly you're not that good a friend if one incident of stepping slightly out of line is enough to end a "friendship" over, and probably not bother with them any more.
e) combination of b, c, d, e

I really don't think that text is going to achieve what you want it to. You're not "friends" where the power relationship is equal. You're his parent, his landlord and much more besides.

My father was married at 17 and working full time. Not saying that is a good thing, although in the recent past many 16 year olds were working full time.

My mother is still controlling and I am 51 and have been married 30 years next year. Bloody well hate it

This has actually made me feel queasy. It's so suffocating, slimy and unhealthy to essentially bully your son into submission by disguising your desire for control as hurt feelings. Bleuch!

Yanbu to want to know where he is staying. Yabu to refuse to let him stay because you don't know his friends family. That is instantly telling your son that you do not trust his judgement and that you also do not trust how you have brought him up. Do you see how that is instantly presented to him as a no win situation? No wonder he reacted the way he did. Not that I am saying that it was the right thing to do, he was wrong to switch his phone off.
When he gets home you all need to sit down and have a chat about rights and responsibilities. He has the right as an almost adult to have more control of his life and you as parents of a child who is not an adult yet have a right to know where he is going to be should there be an emergency.

The whole you have lost a friend thing is way over the top and will only result in him distancing himself more and more from you.

I am obviously taking the "you've lost a friend in me" slightly differently than everyone else then. I took it as a differing relationship when we stop babying our kids and moving on to that more adult part of a relationship with older teens, where things are discussed and negotiated rather than parents laying down the law.
However OP is still babying her son, and in return son is acting like naughty child, so maybe that new part has still to develop.
Other posters are correct, at 16, no way can we know all our teens friend's parents.
My youngest (18), does always txt me where she is, but mainly just so I know whether she is coming home....mostly at boyfriends to be fair..

OP he is 16, a teen, not really a child, and not yet an adult either. I agree, you sound very controlling, and he's probably embarrassed in front of his mates. Cut him some slack, Mabey a text before he comes back, just a text or quick phone, letting you know where he is, and that he's safe. At that age: 25 years ago, my mum used to let me go clubbing in London with my friend. Tbf I was fairly sensible. He's not your friend, you are his parent!