To be so upset, worried and angry at son

[dogsdieinhotcars]

Son is 16. Text about 21:00 saying he's staying at a friend's. Someone I don't know. So I say no, don't know them or parents. He's 16 (just). He says everyone is so he is. I'm saying no. Where are you? Says somewhere vague about 3 miles away. I insist. He continues to say nonsense about why and can't get back coz he got there by taxi. Basically I ring him. Tell him he has to get home. Where are you? Asks his friend who laughs and says somewhere about 6 miles away. I am angry and shout telling him I need an address to pick him up. He won't give it. Don't know! Puts phone down. I text. His dad texts saying you Ave until 22:00 to tell us the address. He must turn his phone off after I text how disrespectful he is being. And he has not answered nor text since. I have gone through anger, to hurt and now fear. I am so worried and yet immensely disappointed. I never raised him to be like this. I have to work at 07:00 and I am so churned and anxious. He is still my child, and I thought he was a friend to me. I don't know what to do.

You and your husband sound manipulative and controlling. If you do not change your approach I predict the mid to late teen years are going to be He'll On Earth for all of you

If my ds is told no then the answer is no. If he didn't come home, when he finally did he would not be allowed across the bloody door for a month

I always wondered about parents who do this. You are scared shitless because they stay out late or don't come home one night, so the punishment is to send them off to sleep under a bridge?

I hate the way autocorrect changes hell to he'll

Trifle I am not sure what your point was... I was responding to the question about allowing a 16 year old living alone. As I said, it is possible for a 16 year old to live independently and that I have known a few who did, for a wide range of reasons. Some good, some bad, some just how things go!

I have said pretty much those words recently milk .not as lot to ask.

If that's the case you stumbled at the first hurdle, or you never meant what you said. What part of your reaction was in any way what Milk suggested?

I always wondered about parents who do this. You are scared shitless because they stay out late or don't come home one night, so the punishment is to send them off to sleep under a bridge?

I assumed they meant they'd be grounded and stuck inside the house.

OurBlanche: My point is that the people currently saying the 16 year old can do what he wants because he isn't a child would generally argue a 16 year old forced or allowed to move out of the family home is a child and needs their parents to provide accommodation and money. I was one of those teens myself so I know that it happens, but it is shit parenting. So people can't have it both ways, is the point I am making. Either the OP is responsible for her son (and therefore it is up to her whether he stays out) or he is an adult and she has no responsibility for him.

Last night DS 18 went to the cinema with a couple of female friends. He texted to say he was setting off "in a bit" to drive the 20-30min home. By the time he turned up 90min later DH was all "shall we go & look for him? what if he's crashed the car & is hanging by the seatbelt , doom, gloom"

I was happy to wait, pleased that he'd kept in touch & assumed they'd been delayed or were just chatting before setting off in different directions - they were - it was fine. I've always been keener than DH to loosen the apron-strings.

I'd be surprised if he's home this morning after that emotional blackmail text about losing you as a friend.

It was 100% the wrong thing to do.

You could have kept your cool, waited until he was home and punished appropriately for not telling you where he was. But now you've fucked it up.

Trifle I am still not sure... I also covered the pitfalls of parenting, in that same post!

I didn't comment on the rights / wrongs of either polemic of being 16 - child : adult.

OurBlanche: Now I am not sure what you mean!

Suggest we let it go.

Chalk it up to Sunday-itis!

Is he home and ok?!

Atenco I took it to mean grounded, not, not allowed home.

I think that you are the sort of mother who has always been in control and does not like any situation where you are not in control.

This is one thing when the child is younger, but by the time they are 16 you need to start slackening the reins a little bit. He's 16, he can have sex, leave home, get a job, change his name, and has full control over whether he consents to any medical treatment. You might not like the fact he has stayed out all night against your demands, but he has every right to. He may live with you, perhaps he's still at school, but none of that overrides his right to stay out all night if that is what he chooses to do.

You sound very demanding, very controlling, and given the passive-aggressive stance your husband took I suspect your son has lived under a very strict regime for his life to day. He is just trying to enjoy a little freedom at last.

TrifleorBust, I think the point is that any lines the parents draw have to be sensible. Insisting that your 16 year old son can't go to friends' houses unless you know the parents is pretty ridiculous, and almost invites a child to disregard it.

If my ds is told no then the answer is no. If he didn't come home, when he finally did he would not be allowed across the bloody door for a month

That's one of those things that is very easy to say, but a moment's thought reveals all too many flaws. How can you refuse to let a teenager go out if they have to get to school? Even if you insist on frogmarching them there yourself, it's all too easy for them to disappear after school or even during the school day. Are you going to stay in all the time to stop them going out Even then it would be child's play for any 16 year old to escape through a window or get out while you're in the bathroom or something. Imposing that sort of punishment is virtually inviting them to defy you, and will only make the situation much worse.

WouldHave: Of course you have to be reasonable, but within the parameters of still being a parent and still having ultimate responsibility. Those people saying he can stay out if he likes and the OP has no say in the matter are technically correct, but it is also correct that she no longer has any obligation to feed or house him. If he wants to live in her home, eat her food and use her heating, he does have to respect her rules, however odd they might seem to us. As I have said I do think she was a bit strict, but I wonder whether his behaviour in refusing to say where he was means he was somewhere she would have objected to. At that age I would have been pissed at someone's house party

When I left home to start nurse training my mother told me 'You'll never live here again'. That effectively cemented the end of my trying to have any sort of satisfactory relationship with her.

Telling your son that he's lost his mother's 'friendship ' is cruel, unnecessary and vindictive behaviour by his father. Op will reap what she sews; poor lad.

I bet if most of us sat and thought back to our behaviour in our teens, we would remember doing things which we knew our parents might not 100% approve of, but wouldn't have listened because we thought we knew best. It's all part of growing up, testing the boundaries. And I'm guessing most of us on here survived it and turned out to be good decent people with good morals. You can offer them guidance and advice, but it won't work by shouting screaming grounding etc - it will just alienate them.

Livelovebehappy: True, but I think good parenting involves accepting that they will do these things without condoning them. That is how they end up with good morals. If you react to your child being this disrespectful by blaming yourself and accepting that they will behave however they want, you could end up with an adult who does not know how to conduct themselves responsibly.

Livelovebehappy, I certainly did. My parents barely knew my friends let alone their parents. 20 years down the line, we're still friends and our parents still haven't met. My mum let me have the freedom to stay at a friend's house if I gave her notice. She never knew the address though. We were pretty dull most of the time; drinking Bass shandy, eating junk food and watching films. I moved out at 17, lived alone, studI'd for A levels and had a job. I do think that my mother's trust in me to be responsible, treating me like an adult and being a parent rather than a friend, ensured I was able to be self sufficient when I flew the nest.

I was on quite a tight leash between 16-18 doing A levels and living at home. My curfew for parties/discos was 11pm and my mum used to say if you aren't out by that time, I'll come in and get you which she really would, so I was always out on the dot of 11.

I think it's possible as everyone has said, to be a bit more flexible about a curfew (really, 9pm is very early) and about him choosing his own friends, whilst requiring a certain amount of trust and respect about letting people know where you are, which I would require from that age teen.

Also, if you haven't started having frank and honest conversations about sex and illegal drugs, I'd start pretty quickly as whether or not that's his own agenda right at this second, it will be around him and he'll have to decide what he's doing. Cannabis use in particular is pretty common esp. in this age boys/teens.

Duh, Olddear and Totally, I stand corrected.