To be so upset, worried and angry at son

[dogsdieinhotcars]

Son is 16. Text about 21:00 saying he's staying at a friend's. Someone I don't know. So I say no, don't know them or parents. He's 16 (just). He says everyone is so he is. I'm saying no. Where are you? Says somewhere vague about 3 miles away. I insist. He continues to say nonsense about why and can't get back coz he got there by taxi. Basically I ring him. Tell him he has to get home. Where are you? Asks his friend who laughs and says somewhere about 6 miles away. I am angry and shout telling him I need an address to pick him up. He won't give it. Don't know! Puts phone down. I text. His dad texts saying you Ave until 22:00 to tell us the address. He must turn his phone off after I text how disrespectful he is being. And he has not answered nor text since. I have gone through anger, to hurt and now fear. I am so worried and yet immensely disappointed. I never raised him to be like this. I have to work at 07:00 and I am so churned and anxious. He is still my child, and I thought he was a friend to me. I don't know what to do.

I have a nearly 17 year old DS and I too would be very worried and upset if our DS did that. We would also want to know where our DS was sleeping and although wouldn't necessarily expect to know the parents we would want to feel re-assured that this was someone he knew well from school. We are possibly more over protective than a lot of parents. My DH is a retired senior police officer who has seen too many awful things happen to teenagers who 'think' they are grown up. Don't feel the need to apologise for you being so worried. May be the texts were a bit heavy handed and you can learn your own lessons from that but never apologise for wanting to keep your DS safe.

BratFarrarsPony: If this is just how teenagers behave, the OP is absolutely right not to treat him like an adult. If it isn't, he acted like a baby and isn't ready to be treated like a teenager. Up to you. My interpretation is that he had a tantrum when he was told no (slightly unreasonably) and reacted by behaving very unreasonably. Understandable, but not filling anybody with confidence that he should have total freedom with where he goes and who he stays with.

My dd is nearly 21 and away at university. She and her flat mates have a Whatsapp group so they can easily let each other know where they are. And they do. Because that's what considerate people living in a community of any sort do. Because it is part of being "sensible and safe"

But would your dd let her friends know where she is if she thought they might storm round and drag her home?

Of course he pretended he didn't know where he was and wouldn't give you the address when you were insisting you were going to march him home!

Most parents could have told you word for word how he would react to your histrionics just by virtue of him being a teenage boy.

It's not an easy time, but what worked for us was giving them a sort of get out of jail card if things went wrong. I told them it didn't matter where they were or what time it was, but they could ring and I'd come and collect them if that go had gone wrong. It probably happened about 3 times, where they had either got too drunk, fallen out with a friend or missed the last bus.
I know its hard - I found the next level to this was when they learnt to drive at 17 and I had to consciously decide I wasn't going to be that over anxious parent who was always asking the to text me to say they were safe. It just didn't seem right to put that pressure on them.
Looking back, my best friend had very strict parents - she always said she was staying at mine when we were actually off clubbing, back in the day when you could get in by lookingb18. Not sure that will help, but none of this is new.

what would u o if u had the address then op

turn up and drag him out?

my parents didnt know all my friends and their parents at that age i saidi was staying and they accepted that

I don't know why so many people are justifying the DS' decision to refuse to give his mum an address and turn his phone off

Whether or not she was going to go round there and embarrass him, this is completely disrespectful behaviour. He is still a non-adult living in her home and she is within her rights to tell him to come home or say she is going to get him.

I tried similar things at the same age (telling my mum I had been waiting an hour for a taxi when I hadn't even called it and so on) and it was usually because I, like the DS in this situation, wanted my own way. Understandable but I was still in the wrong.

How many people saying he is practically an adult and the OP is in the wrong would let their 16 year old move out into his own flat at this age? I would suspect none. But the OP is being told what her child does is none of her business because he has reached the grand old age of 16. Ridiculous.

I told them it didn't matter where they were or what time it was, but they could ring and I'd come and collect them if that go had gone wrong

We told ours that too. We still do now, to some extent, obviously we don't trek out the 2.5-3hours to where they normally live, but we would if they were at home.

" he acted like a baby "

No Trifle, he did not 'act like a baby'.
Acting like a baby means that he would be screaming and filling his nappy, would it not? maybe dribbling and drinking milk from a bottle.
He acted like a teenager...
YOu see it is the unthinking use of that kind of shaming language that makes teenagers want to pull away and do their own thing.

BratFarrarsPony: I'm not going to enter into a debate about language with someone who knows exactly what I meant. He had a tantrum. He didn't also have to piss himself to justify the comment that he acted like a baby. It has an obvious meaning.

Trifle I am just saying you might want to think about your use of 'shaming' language ...:)

BratFarrarsPony: I read what you wrote. I think the language is apt for the behaviour.

Excellent post MeadowHay

It's all one when we are 'shaming' rude, disrespectful teenagers by calling them babies! Refusing to come home, speaking to his parents like crap, switching his phone off. Oh it's ok he's 16 and I know someone who was married with a baby at 16 so it ok Where I live in NI the police are running a really good Facebook campaign all about knowing where your kids are. As they have said, if all children under the age of 18 were at home every night and their parents knew who they were with and where they were when they went out, the levels of antisocial behaviour would plummet.

The very face that he wasn't mature enough to have a basic conversation, in my eyes shows he wasnt mature enough to be out all night. And I couldn't give a shit if he felt I 'didn't trust him' he would be right. I'm also a nurse OP and there is no way I could of went and did a 12hr shift knowing my child stayed out all night, no idea where he was and that he wasn't home when I was leaving.

it is the unthinking use of that kind of shaming language that makes teenagers want to pull away and do their own thing

Exactly right BratFarrars. The rhetoric that's used about teenagers drives me nuts and as for all this framing his position as he's living in his parent's house (therefore he must do what they say) no he's living within the security of his home with his family and whilst he goes through this teenage period needs to be allowed to start making decisions and choices for himself. If he's not allowed to do that he will fight against it, he will shut down, lie, not communicate, turn off his phone etc.. It's not rocket science it's bleeding obvious. I was once told by a teenage counsellor the best thing you can do with teenagers is allow them freedom to make choices for themselves but keep the lines of communication open - keep them engaged and talking to you.

It read to me that it was the OP who had the tantrum, and the DS who acted like the parent and ignored it

Parenting is not one size fits all. It's about finding the best way to teach your child how to become an adult. What works for one will not necessarily work for another. Clearly for OP, bombarding her DS with demanding angry texts doesn't work for them. She needs to find a way that will work and not drive her DS away.

Actually, I think he is behaving like an inconsiderate human being. Regardless of age.

But the "I thought he was a friend to me" line certainly rang alarm bells for me. I like to have a friendly relationship with my children. But we are most definitely not each other's friends.

My adolescence was blighted by mental illness (depression and anxiety) and at least part of that was driven by my parents' controlling, over-anxious behaviour. I wasn't allowed sleepovers until I was 17.

I'm presuming there's a great deal more thannot being allowed to sleep over or go to pubs. Neither was I and my parents trawled the streets looking for me at 17 because they were worried about me.

" He had a tantrum "

he did? Sounds more like OP had a 'tantrum' to be honest.

I had a controlling mother like you. All it did was ensure that I was really, really good at lying to her.

I also think this was handled poorly by you OP, and you do have to get over thinking of yourself as DS friend, sorry.

If you had let him know you were unhappy, but could you have the address in case he was abducted by aliens so you had a starting point, he probably would have given it to you.

Imagine having your mum come storming round to collect you from a mates? He should have planned better and made proper arrangements but at 16 he is way past the age where you can meet and veto all his friends.

onemorecup And what about boundaries and rules and respect? I absolutely refuse to allow my children to grow up believing that they can make whatever choices they want just because they are teenages and are growing and expressing themselves. I wouldnt of been allowed to do what the OP son done but guess what, I didn't rebel, push boundaries and do even worse. I had a bit of respect for my DM and respected her rules. When I got to Uni that's when I could go out all night and do whatever I wanted.
You obviously dont think very highly of teenagers if you automatically assume they all lie and do what they want. There are certain standards everyone in my family is expected to maintain and a basic level of respect both ways is involved in that.

MrsRyanGosling, it seems to me that he was reacting to his parents' over-reaction. Yes, it wasn't the ideal reaction with all the wonders of hindsight, but in some respects he was pushed into a corner and reacting to the fact that his parents were making unrealistic demands. If OP had simply said something like "OK, where are you and when will you be back?" she'd have got a perfectly sensible answer. However, when she starts making a fuss because she doesn't know the parents and demands that he return home at 9 pm on a Saturday night, it's virtually inevitable that he will push back. I suspect his thought process was (a) that's ridiculous, I'll look stupid in front of my friends and I'll miss out on a good evening; and then (b) hey, she doesn't know where I am, there's nothing she can do about it. There are very few teenagers who would have meekly said "OK Mum" and come home to a quiet night just because their mothers didn't know the parents of the people they were with.

"One of the things that really baffles me about Mumsnet is the idea that when they hit 16 you stop parenting!"

Nobody has said that. What PPs have said is that you stop parenting them like you did when they were 12. Or 7. The parenting and the relationship has to evolve and change as they are changing.

FWIW I think the OP's actions got her the exact opposite of what she wanted. Being a little more flexible / less authoritarian would very likely have got a better result for her.

I've just been discussing this with my DD16. She is the world's most compliant teenager but even she says that the OP's reaction is a sure fire way to get a teen to rebel.

MrsRyan - I think you would be absolutely correct if the DS reacted the way he did to the OP saying "OK, but can you give us the address please so we know where you are."

The DS was respectful in that he phoned his mum to let her know his plans - rightly or wrongly many teens would simply not do this. His lack of respect only manifested when the OP reacted the way she did. Respect is a two way street.

And I can promise you that your parenting would have failed dismally on me! Sorry