To be so upset, worried and angry at son

[dogsdieinhotcars]

Son is 16. Text about 21:00 saying he's staying at a friend's. Someone I don't know. So I say no, don't know them or parents. He's 16 (just). He says everyone is so he is. I'm saying no. Where are you? Says somewhere vague about 3 miles away. I insist. He continues to say nonsense about why and can't get back coz he got there by taxi. Basically I ring him. Tell him he has to get home. Where are you? Asks his friend who laughs and says somewhere about 6 miles away. I am angry and shout telling him I need an address to pick him up. He won't give it. Don't know! Puts phone down. I text. His dad texts saying you Ave until 22:00 to tell us the address. He must turn his phone off after I text how disrespectful he is being. And he has not answered nor text since. I have gone through anger, to hurt and now fear. I am so worried and yet immensely disappointed. I never raised him to be like this. I have to work at 07:00 and I am so churned and anxious. He is still my child, and I thought he was a friend to me. I don't know what to do.

The only recourse you have is to give him a suitable punishment when he returns, preferably so he won't disobey you in this way again.

Ignore the people saying he's 16 and you're being harsh... your house, your rules. I can't understand people who don't know or care where their children under 18 are. They aren't legally an adult yet no matter how mature.

However, as it happened the OP didn't simply refuse because she didn't know them, there was slightly more to it than that

No, that's wrong. OPs first answer to the first contact was "No, don't know them or parents."

We all know how he should behave. There is no doubt his behaviour was disrespectful, but unfortunately teens are very stubborn, and often immature; think they know everything etc. It's difficult a lot of the time to make them rationalise why you are worried about them. I was a nightmare teen with a bad attitude, feeling my parents were just being controlling, and it isn't until years later that you look back and understand why they laid down rules and boundaries. Every teen is different. Some will fall in with your rules, but many others will fight against them. You just sometimes have to adapt your parenting for each stage of their life's.

I would be pissed off if anyone in my family (adult or child) didn't come back of an evening and then didn't let me know where they were. In my 30's I once stayed with my dB and went out to a party. His then gf phoned at 2am concerned about me. Not because she was a control freak but because she was concerned. Those that day "oh they'll be away at uni soon" my uni flat mates would have been equally concerned had I not come home of an evening..
I had a friend whose parents were very unconcerned about where she was was who she was with as a teen. She wishes they'd been far more on it as she got herself in some shitty situations.

I love MN! You have to let them go, be adults, give them independence - but always give them £100+/month to fund their social life and never charge them board/food/living costs when they're adults with FT jobs living at home.

You are being so OTT that I'm wondering if this is a joke.

There's a lot in your messages that sounds very unhealthy to me - "he's lost a good friend in me" and "the whole world is warped". What age do you think you will stop trying to control everything your son does? What age can he use his own judgement and stay with people you don't know?

In two years' time he is likely to be off to university. You won't know where he is going ir staying or who with. You won't even know what city he is in unless he chooses to tell you.

You have embarrassed him in front of his friends, that's why he has turned his phone off. I would have done the same. If you had responded differently then the whole situation wouldn't have happened.

I think the teenage years are the worst. It is bad enough when your own child will not tell you where they are or generally acts without consideration for their parent. My former teenager and friends would take turns of having the sleepover at each house. The kids would phone their respective parents and said they were at ?'s house now. One night one teenager was not staying in my house. I had a call later that night from the mum asking if their child was with me. I could not lie so that mum and I spent the night worrying. All the other usual kids were safely in a bedroom in my house and one kid was God knows where.
Communication seems difficult for teenagers

I feel your pain OP. I'm a Mum to two sons. DS1 who is now 22 and DS2 who is now 15.

We went through a couple of episodes with DS1 who did something similar to yours. Except he didn't text and he had stormed out in his car (this was in NZ where they start driving at 15) and stayed out overnight. I was frantic out of my mind with worry. When he did return I was livid and tried grounding him which was the punishment used for several years. He laughed and said "just try it" I remember it dawning on me that I do not have the same level of control over him.

I remember realising that I am going to have to change my whole way of dealing with him. It's a very difficult age as they are no longer children but then they are not yet adults.

Incidentally we have come out the other end and we now have a lovely relationship with both my sons and he is very mature and respectful. Unfortunately at your DSs age 15/16 it is very difficult as they are pushing boundaries.

One of my DS1s teachers in NZ told me that these few years are like a roller coaster but it will be all good..see it as a tunnel...they will come out the other end absolutely fine.

My advice would be to try not to be on his back all the time and be the parent that is super strict as trying to control him will not work. Keep the lines of communication open ( to be fair, he did text you, didn't he?) and try and compromise and reason as much as you can.

OP, apart from being a friend/losing a friend - which is petty emotional blackmail - you are perfectly correct to be upset.

He is only sixteen. You need to know where he is. He expects you to take responsibility for providing his home, food, clothing, money - presumably - so his responsibility is to show you some consideration and help you fulfil the 'parent' role. To do that he needs to give you proper information. Ideally, nights away from home would be planned in advance. But if not, he should phone and tell you the full address.

Just a thought - probably mentioned earlier, I haven't read the whole thread - does he have a phone with a tracker? A 'Find My Friends' app/thingy? I was staying with a friend recently and didn't know her address (I'm 59, and sensible, but it hadn't come up in conversation) and my daughter located me through my phone. Very handy.

Why has he lost a good friend because he's done one thing you don't approve of? That's a lot of pressure in a friendship, far less a parent/child one

This is an important point, in my opinion. OP, try not to blow it out of proportion (which I believe you are doing a bit, presumably because this is - luckily for you - the first time he has behaved liked this). He was disrespectful and a conversation needs to be had, but if you go overboard, you're just going to make things worse!

This is exactly the kind of thing I would have done when I was 15/16. It's just pushing boundaries and not wanting to appear like a child in front of his friends. That's teenagers for you! And I think if my Mum had started telling me that I had ruined our friendship (and despite my acts of rebellion, I was always close and friendly with both my parents), it would have just pushed me away. The reason we stayed close was that they were always understanding and fair, even if I had been disrespectful and stupid.

My dd is nearly 21 and away at university. She and her flat mates have a Whatsapp group so they can easily let each other know where they are. And they do. Because that's what considerate people living in a community of any sort do. Because it is part of being "sensible and safe"

Yes expat madness

You have embarrassed him in front of his friends, that's why he has turned his phone off. I would have done the same. If you had responded differently then the whole situation wouldn't have happened.. The fact that he turned his phone off just goes to confirm his level of maturity is not high enough for the OP to be happy with him staying up without giving detail.

This thing where everyone says oh in a year or so he will be off to uni, yes but that is far far off in terms of his emotional development. There is not a magical age where suddenly they become capable adults, neither is there an age where as parents we stop worrying (or at least I didn't think there was until I started using this site) getting to the point where 'I'm staying out tonight mum' is a gradual thing, not just based on age, but on the ability of the individual

My dd is 21. If she goes out she lets me know where she's going and she'll text me to let me know if she'll be late back or if she's staying out. I'd do the same if I was going out. It's makes sense and it's about respect.

At 16 she did the whole going out, getting drunk, being a bit daft but even then she always let me know where she was and I'd never tell her she couldn't go somewhere - I'd just offer advice on staying safe and making sure she had friends to walk back home with.

OP needs to set some basic rules but I'd not hold out for knowing the parents of every person her ds hangs about with because that's crackers.

Yes Bertrand, so this is the exact kind of thing the OP should be explaining to her teenage son, who is young and obviously doesn't know the 'sensible and safe' way to behave yet. He needs to be taught, rather than being told his Mum doesn't like him any more.

I am 48 years old, I left home at 16 (although I still lived on their property, just 4 miles away) When I go to stay with them now I still have to tell them where I am going! It's just courtesy!

OP was a hell of a lot more irresponsible last night than her son. How many mistakes will she make today when she has sick people's lives in her hands on 2 hours sleep?

We've been through the teen years. Had this been our kids we'd have been fine with it. I've met many a parent for the first time when picking up from a sleep over. We'd have just asked our kids to keep their phones on in case of an emergency.

It's so important to pick your battles with teens otherwise you'll be living in a war zone.

My husband told him in text that he has lost a good friend in me.

What a horrible thing to say. For one night out at 16? You both sound very controlling.

I can understand being mad at the lack of respect being shown and that actually if he want more independence, which is understandable given his age, that he needs to do it in a more constructive way.

BUT, he is not your friend. He is your son. You may have a good open relationship with him, but he is not your friend. Don't treat him as such, it's not fair

My dd is 15, She just started a new school in september, she has had numerous friends stay here and she has stayed there, I don't know any of their parents and probably never will.

I was living on my own with a child at 16. I would understand your angst if he was 6 but 16?

He is old enough to leave home if he wants. I think you need to be a bit more trusting of his judgement or he will eventually not tell you anything in fear of you kicking off and trying to control him. Him messaging you to say he is staying out should be enough at that age imo.

Jeez, I left home at 16! I hope you can have a calm chat when he gets back. I know his behaviour has shocked you, but it sounds like normal teenage behaviour to me. I behaved that way at 14.

My adolescence was blighted by mental illness (depression and anxiety) and at least part of that was driven by my parents' controlling, over-anxious behaviour. I wasn't allowed sleepovers until I was 17. I wasn't allowed to drink, or to go to pubs/clubs. So obviously as soon as I turned 17 I was "sleeping over at my friend's house" when actually I was out getting drunk and just crashing there at the end of the night. I would have much preferred to tell my parents the truth fyi because even at that age I recognised how much safer that would have been, but I didn't have the choice because I spent all my adolescence terrified of being made homeless due to previous threats they'd made, and being financially cut-off when I went to uni and so on. I'm now 23, married, live in a different city. My relationship with my parents is much better but they still infantilise me and have a ridiculous controlling attitude to my life and I am still filled with significant anxiety when I make life choices that I know they wouldn't agree with and I am constantly self-censoring myself around them. I envy people who are best friends with their parents. I always wanted that, I still do.

Don't be like my parents please OP, and same to PPs who have posted similar things. You won't realise the damage it can do - my parents didn't even realise I was mentally ill (finally told them when I was 19 and had moved out to uni). You can't expect your children to be carbon copies of you and if you're expecting them to go to uni they will suddenly find themselves with all the freedom in the world which is a recipe for disaster if they haven't learn to build up their independance/skills gradually before then.

IMO while he should have told you where he was, you shouldn't have said you were going to go and pick him up. At 16 why is it important that you know who the parents are?

He didn't tell you where he was because he knew you would come and get him. But staying at a friends overnight at 16 isn't really a problem is it?

If you're worried about his safety then I understand that worry and anxiety, but in less than 2 years he's going to be an adult and won't have to tell you anything. It would be in your interests to start cutting him a bit more slack, be a bit less controlling, otherwise you may find that he becomes more and more distant and less likely to feel he can tell you things.

Meadows76: This. You can't claim the privileges of adulthood at 16 when you are acting like a child. Letting people who love you know where you are when asked and communicating is how adults behave.