To be so upset, worried and angry at son

[dogsdieinhotcars]

Son is 16. Text about 21:00 saying he's staying at a friend's. Someone I don't know. So I say no, don't know them or parents. He's 16 (just). He says everyone is so he is. I'm saying no. Where are you? Says somewhere vague about 3 miles away. I insist. He continues to say nonsense about why and can't get back coz he got there by taxi. Basically I ring him. Tell him he has to get home. Where are you? Asks his friend who laughs and says somewhere about 6 miles away. I am angry and shout telling him I need an address to pick him up. He won't give it. Don't know! Puts phone down. I text. His dad texts saying you Ave until 22:00 to tell us the address. He must turn his phone off after I text how disrespectful he is being. And he has not answered nor text since. I have gone through anger, to hurt and now fear. I am so worried and yet immensely disappointed. I never raised him to be like this. I have to work at 07:00 and I am so churned and anxious. He is still my child, and I thought he was a friend to me. I don't know what to do.

Ye Old and Jamdonut seem reasonable. So many posts and parenting styles, as if a number made a difference. 16 is young and why would a 16 year old be out so late with school/college, not to mention respect for others and understanding the need to be open?

If something bad happened 16 would suddenly seem very young and I'd hate to be justifying the easy attitude shown here. At that age, even leaving school, how much real life experience have they? Not to mention who's probably paying for the mobile.

I despair of parents here...

I haven't read all the posts but interesting that there's a lot out there who aren't bothered about knowing where their kids are all night?! Love the he could have moved out and got married line - I'm sure I that one was being chucked about when I was 16 to parents! you then belittle her for being his friend - I think this is more about him loosing the trust and respect they have between them, and yes he should let her know where he is, My parents were good with me, yes I could go out, yes I could stay over at friends houses, but I did so on the understanding that if they were expecting me home by a certain time I was, that if I was going anywhere they knew where it was, and if they wanted me back I got back - they said they knew and understood about drugs and alcohol and what goes on but that I needed to understand that if anything were to happen to me or a friend that they needed to know where to find us and what had happened, and that if I hadn't contacted them that they weren't to know what was normal and at what point something was wrong and to raise an alarm, you say they could be off at uni and what would you do then - my answer to that would be that I had an awareness of the dangers they spoke about and so I always made sure that friends knew where I was going and that no-one went home on their own or at least let us know they were back safely, they instilled that in me and by the time I left home they knew that I was sensible. and Not living under their roof meant they didn't have sleepless nights listening out for the door anymore, when my friend got into trouble with drink it was my parents who they called to help and to sort it all out, being overly strict just means kids don't tell you where they are, so don't do that, explain calmly why you were worried that you were young once and did stupid things too, that you understand, but if they expect to go out and do these things you need to know where they are so they are in a position to help if something bad happened, and that during the week while everyone's at work you don't need this shit, he can wait and do what he wants at the weekend, I was never stopped from going to any parties and in some respects had more freedom than my friends, but I had to earn that trust and I made sure I was back when they wanted me to be so I didn't blow my chances of being allowed out next time.

Firstly. The person who PM'd me, thank you very much for your kind words and sympathy.
I had technical issues with messaging you back.

Secondly. For those concerned about my son, thankyou. He is safe. He eventually rang me at 09:30 on his way home. His phone had ran out of power (conveniently!), And had just enough power to call me. I will not go in to detail here, as I will no doubt get some very odd responses. Just to say drink was involved.

And thirdly. Those responses that where total insults toward my husband and I were totally uncalled for. Manipulating, controlling, hysterical, to name a few. I came here in my hour of need and I found it in the first 4 pages or so, until i thanked those people.
You haters of me and my husband are a very strange set of people.

Not strange op. They just disagree with you. It seems you have a problem with that both here and in RL

Glad your son is ok. It's really hard learning to renegotiate your relationship with your dc as they start to gain independence. I think (hope!) that this episode shows you that an authoritarian attitude rarely works with teens and often has the opposite to the desired effect.

OP it sounds as if you've had quite a hammering. And if it helps my children who are now parents themselves have said they're glad I was quite strict with them as teenagers even though they hated me at the time 😂

I haven't read all the posts but interesting that there's a lot out there who aren't bothered about knowing where their kids are all night?!

Kiloh nobody has said they are "not bothered". Persia if you did RTFT you'd see that. What they have said is that there are better and more effective ways of parenting teens to find out that information than blanket bans, inflexible attitudes and emotional blackmail ("you've lost a good friend in your mother" is just a horrible thing to say)

Persia = perhaps!!

What BitOutOfPractice said.

Also, nobody hates you. If that is how you see constructive criticism, then that is a pity.

A good few people here have managed to guide several children through the teen years and out the other end, all still talking to each other, and all still safe. You are making heavy weather of this task, heavier than it needs to be.

Who do you think won this last round with your son, you or him?

Can you use location services on his phone to track him down?

Glad he has returned OP. It is hard being the parent of a teenager.

Dogs don't be silly how could people on this thread 'hate you;? They do not even know you. do they?
It was just you and your husban sounded a bit emotionally blackmailing I suppose.

Oh lovely, a guilt trip for everyone that tried to reassure you that your reaction was a bit OTT given your son's age. Nice.

Well I think you had every right to feel worried and upset. For a year 11 boy to be out at an unknown address on a Monday night is not "typical" behaviour at all. It's not "hysterical" or "controlling" - and yes you had every right to seek some assurance and advice here without being insulted. Yes in a couple of years at uni he will be able to do what he wants but most 16 year olds aren't hugely good judges of situations.

The comment about losing a friend was a bit odd, but other than that, damn right you tell him no if your judgement tells you it's not ok.

I really don't think anyone here would be breezily shrugging it off if their 16 year old was at a random location in the middle of the night.

Cauliflower It was a Saturday night - so that is a 'typical' time for teenagers to be out socialising, whatever the agreement is.

I find it a bit surprising how many people are OK with their relatively young teenagers just telling them what their plans are with no element of permission seeking at all. I'm all for letting children have gradual independence, but you don't have to have done stupid things in your teens to be able to cope with adulthood.

My ds is probably going to university next year (might take a year out) and hasn't done wild parties at all because he mostly socialises online. I don't think he is going to be any better or worse equipped than his classmates that go to lots of parties and get drunk/high and do dumb things. Different children grow up in different ways.

My dd (16 like the OP's kid) is more sociable and has friends who party but knows that although she can usually stay over at friends without notice (and we either know, or know of all her friends) she won't always get a 'yes' especially if we are not comfortable about where she is or who she is with. Plenty of shitty stuff happens at parties and she is still young and vulnerable. Parenting sometimes includes saying no. Even to teenagers.

I agree nooka

OP you are doing it again! You took an emotionally blackmailing tone with your DS - 'how could you do this to me, we aren't friends anymore..' Etc and now you are doing it here to people who pointed that out. 'How could you do this to me in my hour of need...' Etc

You need to evaluate that because it's not a sensible way to look at things. 16 year olds will push the boundaries. The more rigid you make those boundaries, the more it's going to hurt you and your DS when they collapse. Try to be sensible.

Cauliflower Firstly, the son stayed out on Saturday night, not Monday night.

Yes in a couple of years at uni he will be able to do what he wants but most 16 year olds aren't hugely good judges of situations.

He won't a good judge of character in 2 years either, unless he's had chance to develop those skills, and make mistakes, now. Good judgement comes from experience of people and situations. Best to develop that when you have your parents on hand to help you out.

I really don't think anyone here would be breezily shrugging it off if their 16 year old was at a random location in the middle of the night.

I don't think most people (if anyone, but I might have missed it) were saying that. The suggestion was that, if the OP parented in a less authoritarian way, then this situations could be avoided in future.

kiloh I didn't read it as no one cares, they are simply articulating the thought process that was behind your own parents' decision making at the same age. I am the same. By saying, "he could be married" or whatever, they aren't suggesting that, therefore, he is a fully fledged adult and can do what he wants, more that the OP needs to recognise he's growing up and when he phones out of courtesy to say, "I'm staying overnight at a friend's house" she could have handled it differently. There is a whole load of learning to be done at this age; respect, limitations, other people's intentions... you did it with your parents support, boundaries and nurturing guidance, the OP's son needs to do it with hers.

By saying, "No you're not, come home" he felt he had no choice but to shut down communication. His mum had drawn the battle line and so he fought. If she'd said, "OK, I need to know where you are though, just in case I need to contact you" then the outcome would have been different.

I think the concern over not knowing friends' parents is a bit daft, I don't know any of my son's friends' parents. I don't know many of his friends.

dogs You have a choice now. Your son will respond to your parenting. If you continue to lay down the law, this will happen again because he will have no choice. He is trying to grow up and you need to facilitate this. If you choose to guide and advise him, you will have a far more positive relationship with him and he will also feel confident that he can approach you if/when things do go wrong. Don't make him feel that he can't learn life for himself or that, if he does get into a pickle, you'll be waiting with a large dose of "I told you so"

I agree, nooka, but the OP's tone and responses have indicated an element of manipulation and guilt tripping. She's tried to do it on here too. That's just how some people are.

Well, it looks like MN has lost a friend in op, eh

I agree that some of the things said weren't very helpful, but the OP and her dh were upset and angry with their son, and we all makes mistakes in arguments. I can't say that I think it is particularly respectful to send a text to your parents stating that you are staying out overnight when you are 16 and know very well that they would probably not say yes if you asked. I think it's pretty presumptuous. I'd not be at all impressed if either of my children did that.

Not all parties are wild. Not all people at wild parties are wild. Just because teenagers are the guests it doesn't mean all hell breaks loose.

Shitty stuff definitely happens but I feel that teenagers need to figure out their response to that in situ. Having teens who understand when it is time to call it a day and who are encouraged to do that without fear of being dragged over the coals or forced into some sort of post mortem is very desireable imo. I think learning to make good decisions is a hands on experience - like learning to drive, learning to be safe in a big city, use the subway, etc. There is only so much you can learn in theory.

I do not know how many parties my DCs decided not to go to, either because they had papers due or because they didn't like the sound of the party plans. There certainly were many weekends when they stayed home.

The suggestion was that, if the OP parented in a less authoritarian way, then this situations could be avoided in future.

I don't think it is authoritarian to say no to a 16 year old.

I don't think it's wise to go down the "you're not my friend anymore" route because that's confusing the role, but I don't think based on the information we have here that we can say the OP is parenting in too authoritarian a way because she wants to know where her 16 year old is in the middle of the night.