To be so upset, worried and angry at son

[dogsdieinhotcars]

Son is 16. Text about 21:00 saying he's staying at a friend's. Someone I don't know. So I say no, don't know them or parents. He's 16 (just). He says everyone is so he is. I'm saying no. Where are you? Says somewhere vague about 3 miles away. I insist. He continues to say nonsense about why and can't get back coz he got there by taxi. Basically I ring him. Tell him he has to get home. Where are you? Asks his friend who laughs and says somewhere about 6 miles away. I am angry and shout telling him I need an address to pick him up. He won't give it. Don't know! Puts phone down. I text. His dad texts saying you Ave until 22:00 to tell us the address. He must turn his phone off after I text how disrespectful he is being. And he has not answered nor text since. I have gone through anger, to hurt and now fear. I am so worried and yet immensely disappointed. I never raised him to be like this. I have to work at 07:00 and I am so churned and anxious. He is still my child, and I thought he was a friend to me. I don't know what to do.

I think it's pretty normal teenage behaviour and clamping down like that is only going to make him push you away. You should have left him to it that night and then had a heart to heart the next day. You need to explain that you are prepared to totally trust him but he's needs to respect your needs as a parent too and earn that trust by meeting you in the middle and letting you know where he is. As long as you can make him understand that you're prepared to give if he is, you should get onto a better path.

Wow at 16 I would have been in so much trouble if I even thought of doing this, even at 18 I had to keep my parents informed. I think it is perfectly fine to expect your son to keep you informed it's about knowing he's safe not controlling his every move. Responsibility and independence are earnt gradually so that teens get used to the responsibility it brings. To say oh he's 16 he's old enough to move out. Well it would be a bad relationship indeed if a child moved out these days at 16 they are too young, doing GCSEs still at school with no experience of life. No wonder some children go off the rails if that's how they are treated. I always thought the whilst you're under my roof my rules apply here. Even if you were an adult living with other adults you are likely to let each other know what each other is doing from a safety point of view and manners (e.g. when you go away to uni and share a house).

Just sit him down and let him know that you are only worried for his safety. There is so much trouble on the streets today especially for young lads, so no wonder you want to know he is all right.

Also let him always feel he can tell you anything, that way he will always be open, and if he does need your help, he will always let you know.

Be happy he text, my just turned 17 yr old DD started to disappear for days at a time, no phone call, no text, phone off & no one telling us where she was. She has done this 4 times since just before the summer, she has new friends who are older with their own places.
We had to get the police involved the first time as we hadn't heard from her for 3 days & not one person would say where she was, police gave her a bollocking yet she has done it 3 more times since, latest being Saturday, but we got a call from the police to pick her up from the station as she had missed the very last bus ( 2am ) & her phone was dead.
I wouldn't have dared do this to my parents, but apparently times are different, all we can do is try to steer them the right way & hope they get through it alive.

I don't why you're getting beaten up for being a friend - I'm good friends with both of my teens but very much still solely parent to the younger ones. His behaviour is normal - being the only one not allowed to stay out is humiliating for him and the most important thing to him is not to be babied in front of his friends. Yes it's reasonable that you want to know exactly where he is but at that time his friends are most important - he knows you love him anyway and he'll deal with the storm from you later. Not all kids go through this but many do. It's normal. Try to remember how important your friends were at that age. X

YANBU

I am almost certain this is about a girl. I remember doing this when I got together with my DP...I was 16 at the time. My dad tried to stop me being serious about him and started not letting me do things. We hung out as a group and I would stay over at my DPs house (others were there) but my dad tried to stop me.

At that age, a love interest is a major deal and it feels like the end of the world if you are the one who has to return home for your curfew. Seems daft as an adult but at 16 you will rebel in any way possible just to get to spend more time with your crush.

If it were me, I would text him saying that I just have to know he is safe so I need an address but that he can return home tomorrow and we can chat about it then.

Bottom line here is that for your own sanity you need to know where he is and keep communication open. You can serve a consequence tomorrow.

I know it must be very difficult when you want him home and these are your rules but at 16 when they feel like they are an adult and should have more responsibility, the most important thing is that you always know where they are and they are safe.

I would sit him down for a chat about compromise whereby I would agree to loosen the reigns a smidge and let him earn more trust while he could agree to keep me updated on where he is etc.

I ended up moving out and DP and I got our own place...yes at 16! My dad simply pushed me harder and got more controlling trying to reign me in but it only made me want out. All he had to do was loosen a little and trust me to make the decisions he raised me to. My mum tried to reason with him but to no avail. We're all good now but as a parent now myself, I hope I see when to start treating my baby like he is growing up.

I know you must be at your wits end right now with worry. I hope you get back in touch shortly and he can put your mind at ease x

I am always amazed at some of the things I see on here. I have had 5 16 year olds and have one now. I can tell you for nothing that they did not expect to choose for themselves if they bothered to come home. At 16 they were still undergoing their education and so they wouldn't even bother to ask if they could stay out on a school night except for very special occasions. They always had to say where they were staying so that if anything went wrong, at their end or mine, I would know where to start looking; they understood that completely. As for, "You don't need to know if they've got mobiles," I think that is just ridiculous. Mobiles are often in no service areas or run out of charge. My kids have always had clear boundaries with the power to negotiate. You don't have to be their friend, you don't have to be dictatorial, you do need to respect that you have a responsibility for them and they have a responsibility to be considerate of others. From a very early age I tried to explain that everything I did for them was in their best interests rather than mine and I think that helped them to understand where I was coming from when they were older. We still had spats but not outright disrespect.

I think the less compassionate replays have sweet younger children and can never imagine they will grow into rebellious teens - I remember when
I thought mine would be angelic forever too ha ha

Mums the word, yes, they'll be with others at uni, also 18 and away from home.e the first time, and if there are 12 people in their kitchen, they aren't going to be checked on by the others! This is v similar to them being with friends at 17, except they won't know them so well, and there are no parents to come get them.
Uni is good for kids, but it's just not realistic to think they'll be more cared for than they are when out with friends, or at another parents house!

It was the instant no that got you his reaction.

My mum tried the same with me when I was a teenage which led to sneaking out once she was asleep to running away for weeks at a time because it was always no because she didn't like so and so or they lived to far away or she didn't know this particular friend.

I left home very quickly got engaged and had my first child at 17..

The more she tried the stop me the more I pushed back I knew once I was out of the house she had no control, when she rang the police sure they would come out after a while but once the police knew I was safe it was up to me if I went home and if I did it was up to me if my parents found out where I had been. Push too hard and you will lose him.

My daughter has done exactly the same thing and from bitter experience, in my opinion, I'd just let it go.... Otherwise you'll be tearing yourself into bits. As long as he turns up relatively unscathed and ideally not in the back of a police car, then all well that ends well.

You have to stop parenting him as though he is 10.The more you try to control him the more he will struggle to be free.He was responsible and considerate in phoning you to let you know he would not be home, and you responded by treating him like a baby.
The bottom line is when they hit teens you just have to trust that you have done your job and brought them up to be sensible and know right from wrong because the bottom line is that you cannot control a teen who is hell bent on doing something, They will find a way.

your role now is guidance and advice, not control and coercion

Awayinamazda not really sure what you're talking about. Not really relevant to what I said. I mean at any age you should make sure someone's knows where you are for you're own personal safety. If you are taught properly you would let someone know if you're planing to be out and stay out so that if something happens to you someone will know where you went. That's how it worked when I went to university, we had fun, but always let people know where we were / who we were with. Particularly for girls, probably important for boys too these days.

I understand. If he wants to stay, fine. But he should at least give you the exact address. He may be 16 and 'all grown up' but he's still a child and you need to know where he is.

My point being at an immature 16 it goes without saying as their responsible parent you should make every effort to know where your child is. Once we are in our early 20s hopefully all that stuff of experiments with life have been grown out of.

*experimenting

OP - you have every right to be furious and worried. It's a sign of immaturity if your son doesn't see the problem with doing what he has done. Hope he gets back safely.

I don't think you are wrong for wanting to know exactly where he is.
My youngest son is 16, but he doesn't really go anywhere, neither did my eldest son, really, but he would always be back when he said.

My daughter however couldn't understand why I needed to know where she was and who she was with and what time I could expect her home. She thought I was being nosey, and didn't trust her!
In the end I had to say " At what point do I start worrying about you, if you are not back when you said you would be?
At what moment did the mothers of girls who eventually turn up dead, start to think the worst? 5 minutes late? An hour? 8 hours?
If you do not come home at the time you have said, I start to worry that something has happened to you. If I can't get a text message off you reassuring me you are safe and on your way home then my mind tells me you are NOT safe." ( A bit dramatic, I know, but I was trying to make a point)

She realised that made sense, and has been pretty good ever since, even now she is 20 and at University. When she comes home, she stays in touch, on evenings out , even if it is to say she will be staying at her boyfriend's parent's home.
It is hard to let go, I think the late teenage years are the hardest parenting time of all.

The rule in our house is that we never say no, we just want to be informed if he's going out or not going to be home from school at the usual time or back for dinner and to know if he is staying at his girlfriend's overnight.

He did let you know he wouldn't be back but I agree he should have given you an indication of where if he wasn't at a friend's that you know. However, explain that this is from a safety point of view and not that you are trying to stop him living his life.

As the saying goes, if you want to keep them, set them free.

At 16 I expect my teen to do me the courtesy of letting me know where he is going and where so that if something unexpected happens I can rescue him quickly. He knows this is about keeping him safe, and not about controlling his every breath. We don't say no without a very good reason (going out somewhere for important occasion). If we ask he texts us a postcode. We do this at the beginning of the Eve and if plans morph to sleepover or can you come n get me we are flexible. So it's give and take keeping us all happy. I feel for you. Phone silence and not knowing geography would make me ridiculously anxious. Us Mums also whatsapp each other if one of the boys is phone silent unexpectedly. That way there is freedom combined with safety. Good luck OP

Where HE WAS if he wasn't at a friend's you know.......

im sure he would happily of told you where he was if you hadn't overreacted and said you were going to pick him up and demanded it.

If you had just said "okay that's fine but can you send me the address in case of emergency thanks and text me tomorrow when you want picked up or if you need picked up in the night." Teenagers are more likely to act like adults if you treat them like one.

I was brought up the exact same way mathanxiety parents and myself and my brothers were fairly responsible. Was clubbing and staying at friends at sixteen, away to uni in Edinburgh at seventeen. Have never been in trouble with the police and all have good life's as adults now. I plan on parenting the same way as my dad and math do.

I'm quite amused by all the people coming out with crap like it's probably people saying the op ibu who's kids are out jumping on cars etc and all the other crap. Doubt very much it's those kids rebelling and misbehaving.

Teenagers are more likely to act like adults if you treat them like one

That exactly

However, explain that this is from a safety point of view and not that you are trying to stop him living his life.

Except in the OP's case it felt more like it was from a what-I-say-goes and a mistrust authoritarian point of view. Which is where it all backfired for the op

I speak as a parent of 2 teens who tend to communicate and cooperate because I do the same to them.