To be so upset, worried and angry at son

[dogsdieinhotcars]

Son is 16. Text about 21:00 saying he's staying at a friend's. Someone I don't know. So I say no, don't know them or parents. He's 16 (just). He says everyone is so he is. I'm saying no. Where are you? Says somewhere vague about 3 miles away. I insist. He continues to say nonsense about why and can't get back coz he got there by taxi. Basically I ring him. Tell him he has to get home. Where are you? Asks his friend who laughs and says somewhere about 6 miles away. I am angry and shout telling him I need an address to pick him up. He won't give it. Don't know! Puts phone down. I text. His dad texts saying you Ave until 22:00 to tell us the address. He must turn his phone off after I text how disrespectful he is being. And he has not answered nor text since. I have gone through anger, to hurt and now fear. I am so worried and yet immensely disappointed. I never raised him to be like this. I have to work at 07:00 and I am so churned and anxious. He is still my child, and I thought he was a friend to me. I don't know what to do.

Cindy - mum of two sons here ( thankfully now passed safely through the teenage years and it's challenges). Had a similar thing happen too - and I think it is likely he was 'bugging up' in front of his mates and will recognise he was out of order.
OP - hope it all turns out well.

sorry, just realised he stayed out on a Saturday night, still not acceptable for a child, who you are ultimately responsible for, to stay out all night without telling his parents where he is or who he is with.

Tapandgo - I totally agree with you and I am sure he won't be the first or the last to do this - the joys of being a parent to a teenager!!

dogs my son is also 16. Often he stays out with mates, I used to stress a bit but kind of used to his night time activities now. I know it is hard but I think you are being too controlling and he will probably rebel more. I have an agreement with my son that he texted me if he is going to stay out. I would suggest sitting down with your DS and making it clear that he needs to keep you informed and you will not give him a hard time if he stays out. I also think "losing a friend" is strange comment. I am very close with my son, but I am is parent not his friend.

OP just let it amuse you - it amuses me - that on the strength of having brought up a few teenagers and still being able to talk to them people feel they know exactly what all teenagers are like. And of course they wont tell you about the terrible messes their children got into along the way, if they even know about them, because all teenagers do that, don't they (no, actually, more do if their parents are overly permissive though).

I'm glad to have got a teenager through the difficult, rebellious years without any teenage pregnancies to worry about, no calls from the drug squad, no hospital admissions. Doesnt mean I'm an authority on other people's teenagers.

Adolescent brains are different to adult brains. All those saying how will they cope at university clearly have no understanding of how different their brains will be in 2 years time and how much less likely they'll be to make stupid mistakes.

It wasn't that the op is her DS's friend that alarmed me TBH (I think she was trying to say that she's on his side rather than that she is his mate not his parent).

What made me raise an eyebrow was the declaration that that "friendship" was immediately withdrawn at the first hint of disobedience. That to me is a bit odd, and very harsh

They probably texted the comment about "friendship being withdrawn" on the spur of the moment, out of worry, to try and get through to their ds how concerned they were about his whereabouts. I have often made emotional comments to my ds just to get his attention - something that is quite hard to do when he has headphones on and his head permanently facing downwards looking at his phone, like most normal teenage boys - he is the living embodiment of Harry Enfield's "Kevin the teenager" and it can be really frustrating. I think their main concern was that he refused to tell them exactly where he was, my ds can stay out all night at weekends but I insist on knowing where he is and who he is with and that everything is "above board" i.e. that the friend's parents are aware and are happy to have a load of lads sleeping over - I would not go as far as asking to speak to the parents with 16 yr olds, but there has to be a certain amount of trust involved, trust that he is not lying to me and trust in the way I have brought him up that he would not do anything stupid or dangerous. It's not easy is it dogs? but he sounds like a well brought up lad and I'm sure he'll be a bit more considerate of your feelings next time.

Ok guys. I'm going to ask for the thread to be withdrawn now as I'm not comfortable with the fact that this can be used by newspapers etc for example (as I've seen before). So all is well and my son is my friend aswel as my son. It is my way as has worked until now. He has talked to me a lot in this growing up year by taking this approach and Saturday was not the norm. He is not an angel but has always kept in contact texting me, until now.

Dogs, I get what you are saying and would probably be the same (DS1 is 15). It's a good lesson for them to be reminded of their responsibility to is as parents, and the common courtesy we are due. The way I look at it (and frequently remind him of) is that we have to navigate it together, he has to be responsible and I will pick up any pieces if/when things goes wrong.

It's all very well saying 'he's 16 let him get in with it' but people fuck up and we all need help and support. If he thinks you are irritating and unreasonable now, he'll be glad you cared one day.

Doesn't have to all change overnight, treat him like an adult and expect the same back. Then stop paying his phone bill if he's going to be a dick and switch it off.

I don't think this is the kind of thread that the papers are interested in op. I mean it's basically 16yo has a row with parents but comes home safe and all is well.

You wouldn't be getting it withdrawn because lots of people are disagreeing with you now would you?

God no. Truly. I'm just not happy for it to be used as an example etc of what teen boys get up to etc. I have seen people link to other threads on here and this was my families journey. I don't want to keep reliving it

Dogs, no one will know who you are if it ends up in the Daily Mail, and whilst I've had a lot of sympathy for you up to now it's beginning to appear even to me that having your thread removed is another example of something having to be your way or the highway as mentioned by other posters.

You've got a really nice mix of replies on the thread. Take what you want from it and carry on being the lovely mum you undoubtedly are.

It's bad enough that it came up as an email link from mumsnet. That's not what I wanted at 3am when I reached out on here.

Those are my honest reasons. I have said before, I have listened.

For me, this thread has been really interesting. As I said upthread, I have all this to come with my DS's, so it's been good to read all the different points of view. I hope you leave it up Op as it could be of use to a lot of people.

Glad it's all worked out ok for you.

I really hope that Mumsnet does not agree to remove this thread as there have been some really valuable posts here that are useful to everyone who has or is going to have a teenager.

I think it is disrespectful of the OP to think that this is all about her in that sense, as the conversation is more about different approaches to bringing up teenagers and the minefield it is.

I will add this...give me the parenting on little ones over the parenting of teens any day.

While I have every sympathy, OP, a quote from John Lanchester's Capital, which I'm just reading, keeps popping into my head these days (2 teenage boys):
“The person doing the worrying experiences it as a form of love; the person being worried about experiences it as a form of control.”
Pictish, couldn't agree more

A couple of posters have put, if you treat him like an adult he will behave like an adult! So if this was your DH you'd be happy would you?? And if you decided to go out with your friends, would you not hunk it would be common courtesy to let your DH know where you were?

think

Sunshine59 - but he did say who he was with, it was just that the OP didn't know that friend or the parents (which is often par for the course once kids go to secondary school).

Everyone agrees that it was reasonable for the OP to want to know the address, but some feel that if the OP hadn't flat-out refused to let him stay with his friends, he would have given it.

And OP - tip for future reference: if you're looking for unwavering, unjudgemental support, the 'Am I Being Unreasonable' sub forum probably isn't where you should be posting.

Dogs, get him one of those portable chargers for future. They aren't expensive.

Dogs, it's a special achievement to get your post in the daily mail don't you know! You get a prize from Mumsnet HQ.

dogs well done and hope your son and you will work out any issues. My dd is 12 so teenage Yeats are on the doorstep! Scary!

By all means ask for it to be removed. I think it is utterly appalling any threads end up in papers or elsewhere.

Makes a mockery of mumsnet is for support (as so some rude posters!)

But hope some have been really helpful and supportive.

All the best.