To be so upset, worried and angry at son

[dogsdieinhotcars]

Son is 16. Text about 21:00 saying he's staying at a friend's. Someone I don't know. So I say no, don't know them or parents. He's 16 (just). He says everyone is so he is. I'm saying no. Where are you? Says somewhere vague about 3 miles away. I insist. He continues to say nonsense about why and can't get back coz he got there by taxi. Basically I ring him. Tell him he has to get home. Where are you? Asks his friend who laughs and says somewhere about 6 miles away. I am angry and shout telling him I need an address to pick him up. He won't give it. Don't know! Puts phone down. I text. His dad texts saying you Ave until 22:00 to tell us the address. He must turn his phone off after I text how disrespectful he is being. And he has not answered nor text since. I have gone through anger, to hurt and now fear. I am so worried and yet immensely disappointed. I never raised him to be like this. I have to work at 07:00 and I am so churned and anxious. He is still my child, and I thought he was a friend to me. I don't know what to do.

I haven't read all the replies, just the first 4 pages. My DM would have gone absolutely mad had I of done this. Also what about the safety aspect? What if something was wrong with her son and she doesn't know, what if he drank to much and ended up in hospital. 16 is still a child! I agree you need to start giving them a little more independence, but really all night and you don't have a clue where they are?

I disagree with a lot of comments on this thread. You are not unreasonable to expect your child and he is still a child at 16, to tell you where he is and who with.
My daughter lied about where she stayed one night aged 16, she didn't go out again till after a month. She is now 18 and at uni away from home and is sensible enough to understand her personal safety.
There are so many dangers that whilst we cant wrap our kids up We should expect to be able to get them if they are in danger and if we don't know where they are then we can't do so.
My son is 14 and whilst he will argue if he thinks I'm too harsh, he would not openly defy me as he knows that if I say No, there is a good reason.
Yes as our kids get older the relationship changes and my daughter and I are best friends and we are very open. Through the lessons I have taught and guidance on staying safe she has figured out her boyfriend was controlling and ended the relationship swiftly. She did this without asking my view but said that because I taught her to understand her personal safety, she values herself more.
I hope you find the resolution you need. Yes he could move out at 16 as some others have said, however legally you would still be responsible for him even then. So no YANBU

I don't think YABU at all. It sounds as if your 16 year old with whom you have a great relationship is suddenly acting out of character and that is a cause for concern. I have four sons, my youngest is 16, they are all great guys and have never been in any serious trouble, but the mid and late teens are still quite vulnerable years which you have to learn to navigate in a different way. I'm sure it will all work out well. All the best :)

For the future, if he has an iPhone, there is something you can do so you can always see exactly where they are. We use this for our 15 year old (who doesn't know we cn always see her exact whereabouts). You have to have an iPhone, and he has to have an iPhone, for it to work. I don't have an iPhone, but my husband does. It is extremely accurate, and will show you the exact address they are at.

Last night a bunch of 15/16 year old (boys and girls) woke up my baby because they were JUMPING on cars. My husband complained and two of them told my husband to off. Probably they were the children of those mums that the OP is being unreasonable ...

This could be an exact posting from me some 14 years ago! I went through all your emotions. YANBU at all BUT if you want to keep sane and hold onto your relationship, play clever! My DS is now a wonderful devoted, caring upright member of society - who doesn't recognise the ungrateful little sod he was, and hates being reminded of it. Handle each event as it comes. Tell him how hurt, perplexed and disappointed you are but you're still there for him and let's move on. You may have to do this for a number of years! But it will come right! Don't push him too far away, just weather the storm!

YANBU, my house my rules. If I don't know the parents you aren't staying. My son is currently 14. He knows the rules, why would they suddenly changed in 2 years? Just because his friends' parents don't mind? That argument has never worked with me before and is unlikely to then.

We are friendly, I'm his confidente, very often. Do I always trust what he says? (not completely, he's my child after all), do we have limits? (yes), I'm his mum. For me, I have never had a need to consider a punishment that fits this particular crime. But it would be bad.

I think you are being totally reasonable to want to know where your son is! I am really shocked by the many parents on here who don't seem to give a damn. It explains a lot about the behaviour and attitudes of many teenagers today - their parents don't care where they are or what they're doing.

Your son is not an adult and you obviously care about him a great deal. I hope that it gets through to him how worried he made you.

YANBU. It's not a case of being over-bearing, or controlling. It comes down to respect, end of. You're his mother, he is in your care. If you're anxious and worried, you have every right to know where he is!
Yep, parenting is difficult, and none of us want to be a helicopter parent, but the point is, if he got in trouble, or went missing, you'd be no help whatsoever. I'm 38 and if I stayed at my mum's now, you'd bet your ass I'd tell her where I'm going! Same reason I give her a call when I get home from visiting her (I live 4hrs away).

Do whatever you feel is best. You know your son, not us.

Reallynothelpful, I couldn't agree more with you.

I remember once I was 15 and I came back from a friends house nearly 2 hours later than I said (7pm instead of 5pm!) and my mum and dad went totally mad, I wasn't allowed out again for about a month, (this was well before mobiles) but I never ever did it again and actually I totally understand why.

Is he home yet?

I do sympathise with everyone who is saying they insist on knowing where their 16/17 yo is, and who they're with, we all worry about something going wrong, but soon u will have to let them go a bit! If they go to uni u will have to trust that they will be reasonably sensible - you will not know where they are and u will be unlikely ever to meet most of their friends. If they have never been allowed to go unsupervised, with out u checking all their plans in advance, it will be a huge shock, for them as well as you, as they will be unprepared.
If u bug them at uni by calling all the time, or demanding they tell u what they're doing, u might find u would not hear from them for weeks, and there would be v little u could do about it.
If u r really sure ur 16 or 17 yo cannot be sensible without so much checking, please think about ways to help them mature, rather than keeping watch constantly? they do need to learn some independence before they are 100s of miles away without no back up, it's not neglect, it is preparing them for adult life. There is always some risk, even when they're 19, 29, 39, but they need opportunities to manage for themselves.

I did exact same thing when I was 16. I won't worry u by telling u what I was up to

YANBU, he can't make the rules, you are responsible for him, I don't agree with the other posters, you should expect to know where your son is and it's not him who decides, it's you. I guess you would have let him go? His actions aren't great but he's a teenager and I think when he does come home, deep breaths and try and sort out some ground rules for the future.

Let me just add - my son was easy, outgoing and we were great friends. It's naive of you all to think that 'if they're like that at 14, why should it change'. They change in spite of themselves! Some teens have such a hormone rush that they don't know how to cope and dispair of themselves. They can show a completely different behaviour & personality. This doesn't mean being soft on them and not enforcing rules but it does mean you need to have some understanding of why this is happening. By 18, our DS was able to cope - gave up smoking dope and 'came back'. Use all the tools in the box - discipline, anger, personal hurt and humour - above all, humour. I was once professionally advised 'The twelve year old you lost, is still there, just masked for a while' It was a great comfort! 😌

My 16 year was robbed a couple of weeks back buy some teens around the same I wonder if there parents knew were they were think not

I am also amazed on how many parents are saying they have no clue who there teens friends are

In my view there are no teenagers who have such a wide circle that you wouldn't know who they hand round with unless you are
A- rarley about
B- they don't talk to you

Teenagers are usually creatures of habit tbh

Not sure anyone said they had to stay the same from 14 to 16, but what I will say is my rules on basic courtesy will not change. So no staying at some friend who's parents I have had no dealings with simple.

Or at the very least know the child

I mean to think a child could ring there parents say I am staying over at lees house than the parents says cool
Phone goes down

Parent has never met or has know prior knowledge of lee hence her not knowing we're he lives

It sounds like kids have a lot more freedom at 16 in the UK than the USA. Few would be allowed out late on a school night. Few ever leave school at 16 because you have 0 qualifications then. And they can't drink til 18. I would absolutely want to know where my child was. An overnight wouldn't be on unless I at least had met the parents, was sure they were home, and it was a weekend or holiday. Maybe that doesn't seem appropriate for a 16 year old here, but to me it would be a normal expectation.

My son did the same thing at the same age and eventually came home the next day. He was at his new girlfriend's house and I had no clue of the address. Having called many of his friends and his driving instructor who often dropped him these (or so I thought) he eventually called at about 4 the next afternoon. We met him in the local village and my husband was about to kill him, telling him how I was driven out of my mind with worry. When things had settled down I went to him and tried to tell him rationally (through floods of tears) that I didn't want to control him but that I love him with my whole being. I said he'd grown inside of me and the worry was so intense it drove me almost crazy. I think that really struck a cord with him and he eventually gave me the biggest hug (something he hadn't done since he was about 7!). I also explained that all I could imagine was him lying in a gutter and I just needed to know he was ok. I asked him just to tell me the address where he was out of respect and let me know in advance if he was staying so I knew where he was in case of an emergency.
Interestingly the following day he called 'just so I knew where he was!'.
This was 4 years ago and now I have the most thoughtful, beautiful, loving 20 year old I could ever wish for.
I believe boys need to know they can spread their wings but have a net to catch them should they fall. If they realise the depth of your love and are confident you won't question their every move as long as you know they are safe, then they will 'trust' you in return.
It's so terribly hard being a mum to a boy and as I'd had two girls before him (who told me everything) it was a huge shock. At least I'm now prepared for when my next son pulls this stunt.
All the very best of luck to you and your family.

I remember going through the exact same scenario and I was fuming and worried. I had quite a few of her friends' numbers and persisted in phoning them all with my best teacher voice and eventually scared them into giving me the address. Daughter was mortified and even more so when I turned up to pick her up. The next day (when she'd sobered up) I explained that I had respected her and given her a lot of freedom but she had not respected me so it would take a while till that bond of respect was built up again. I'm not sure whether it was the right way to handle it, but she never behaved like that again.

I don't think YABU in expecting him to tell you where he is. DS1 likes a party and our rule is that he lets us know where he is and who he's with, so that I know he and his friends will look out for each other. ( some won't) . I found it hard initially and Im sure he doesn't tell me everything, but whilst we have a good relationship which I'd describe as friendly, he knows I'm his mum first and foremost. I'd be hurt more than angry if he betrayed my trust I think. His twin has shied away from parties because he doesn't think he'd be able to behave responsibly. Fair enough - I'd probably agree with his assessment! !
They are bound to push against us at this age, but it's not easy! I try to stay relaxed about it but of course you worry. My own mum was a great worrier and that actually made me lie so as not to upset her - I don't want that with my own kids so it's a fine line. I hope he arrived home safely and you were able to talk to him and discuss a way forward. It will be fine! ( I tell myself that on a regular basis!)

Wow! I'm really shocked that 16 year olds can join the armed forces! Many kids haven't even reached full height yet, and mentally, dealing with war zones...yikes!!!

Wow! I'm really shocked that 16 year olds can join the armed forces! Many kids haven't even reached full height yet, and mentally, dealing with war zones...yikes!!! signing up is a million miles away from being on the frontline though

Sorry OP, you are in for years of heartache if you take too strong a line on this. Eldest son did this too many times. The more I tried to lay down the law, the more he stuck two fingers up at me. In the end, had to stop worrying and just hope his idiotic teenage brain would function for long enough to keep him safe. It did in the end, although I think subsequent getting together with a sensible, lovely girlfriend actually made him sort his head out far more than anything else.