To be so upset, worried and angry at son

[dogsdieinhotcars]

Son is 16. Text about 21:00 saying he's staying at a friend's. Someone I don't know. So I say no, don't know them or parents. He's 16 (just). He says everyone is so he is. I'm saying no. Where are you? Says somewhere vague about 3 miles away. I insist. He continues to say nonsense about why and can't get back coz he got there by taxi. Basically I ring him. Tell him he has to get home. Where are you? Asks his friend who laughs and says somewhere about 6 miles away. I am angry and shout telling him I need an address to pick him up. He won't give it. Don't know! Puts phone down. I text. His dad texts saying you Ave until 22:00 to tell us the address. He must turn his phone off after I text how disrespectful he is being. And he has not answered nor text since. I have gone through anger, to hurt and now fear. I am so worried and yet immensely disappointed. I never raised him to be like this. I have to work at 07:00 and I am so churned and anxious. He is still my child, and I thought he was a friend to me. I don't know what to do.

16 years olds don't go to uni so not really sure what your talking about

Not entirely true, though admittedly it's unusual. But 16 year olds can go into apprenticeships and join the army, and 17 year olds from Scotland regularly go to university. If you expect as a parent to keep tabs on them all the time you are setting yourself up for trouble.

And tbh the parents who are saying that you shouldn't know or even dare ask were there young person is will be in for a fucking shock if anything anything ever happens to there child

No-one is saying this. Do read the thread.

Sorry at 16 ds would still have no chance at staying at Somone home who I never heard of

There is a mssive Diffrence between staying at house of a lad you know but whom you may not know the parents or them staying at someone's house you never heard of before and them then not wanting to give you. The address or even when they will be back

My lad has a core group of friends and I know most of the parents however if he rang me now and said he's staying at Barry's house then that would be a no from me

He dosent have a mate called Barry and that would mean it's Somone he dosent really know so eg a mate of a mate or a random

O really don't see the issue

I just expect my teenagers to treat me with the same consideration I treat them. No more-but definitely no less.

Ike I said most children have a usual groups of friends you get a sence of how they live what the parents and family are like even if you not met the parents but out side of there core group the randoms then I think saying no until you can suss them out is fine and

If the shoe was not he other foot I wouldn't allow it either if ds brought home Somone I never met or heard of before he asked if they could stay it's unlikely I would say yes but ds knows the rules and boundires so wouldn't chance his arm

And tbh I don't think most people would even be to pleased with there husbands staying round someone's home who they never heard of didn't know and then to top it if didn't know when they were arriving home or were they were

Let alone a 16 year old 😳

If you expect as a parent to keep tabs on them all the time you are setting yourself up for trouble

Well I took my chances on that and it turned out great. No dramas, no accusations of being held prisoner. Like I said - not one cap fits all. Dd went to Croatia to a festival at 17 but at 16 she had to let me know where she was.

I can only comment on my own kids as every one else's knows there own children levels of maturity. If your fine that you havnt a clue where your 16 year old is all night - that's your buisness.

Thefishewife Mon 28-Nov-16 12:08:24
"And tbh I don't think most people would even be to pleased with there husbands staying round someone's home who they never heard of didn't know and then to top it if didn't know when they were arriving home or were they were"

Of course I expect my husband to let me know when he is coming home. That is common courtesy in anyone who shares a house with another person. But do you seriously think he should not be allowed to stay with a colleague during a business trip abroad if I did not know this person? Or that I should not be allowed to stay with an old friend without his keeping tabs on me? You do seem to have a very suspicious attitude towards the world.

As for dc, ds is now at college in a different city, meaning that most of his friends are not local to here; they are new friends whose parents I do not know. It would be quite difficult to invite myself over to check over every acquaintance he makes. And quite difficult to get to know the friends themselves as you seem to suggest I shouldn't allow him to bring anyone home if I didn't know them beforehand either.

Totally agree pot noodle

In January my ds will be 17 and in May we will leave him for the first time for the whole weekend but he's not 17 yet he has to let people know we're he is and when he will be back

If people want there kids out all night then good for you but I will countine to require those under a certain age that live here to give me details of there wereabouts

No I a, saying most teenagers have a core group of Mates they talk about all time my lad pretty much mentions the same 6 or 7 names so if he
Brought back Somone I never heard of regardless of were they lived they no they wouldn't be staying I actually think it's a good life lesson

To teach young people you don't just bring strangers home of a friend or a friend of a friend whom you don't know get to know Somone them they get to stay over

And tbh if you don't know who the hell your teens core friends are then that fact they are sharing that with you needs looking at

I've been reading my diary from 1981 when I was 16 - I was at college and as part of my course got sent for 8 weeks to work in a hotel in Llandudno with another girl from my class. We lived in a shared attic room in a bed and breakfast about a mile from the hotel - we were not overseen in any way, were left to get on with it and expected to manage our lives, we were completely independent. The only contact I had with my parents was by calling them from a call box and, apart from letter writing, had no other form of communication. My parents visited a couple of times (they lived about 2 hours drive away) as did my boyfriend but other than that I just got on with it and managed perfectly well. What an amazing time it was, I learnt so much, worked hard, made friends, got drunk, didn't smoke, stayed out late, still managed to get up early for work and and learnt how to manage my life. I can't believe that 16 yr olds today are any less capable than I was.

Fishwife, I have always known where my children are. I have to take them and pick them up or they would have no way to get anywhere. If they don't tell me they don't go because they can't get there anyway. Simple.

If things change while they are out then they do call me to ask and check. They always have, but I don't come down on them like a ton of bricks for it as the OP did. They are telling me what is happening. I get details as necessary and we go from there.

I cannot know the families of all of their secondary school friends though because many live the opposite side of the county from each other. Our paths can just never cross. Occasionally briefly at drop-off or pick-up, but we live too far apart to know each other.

Somehow I have successfully brought up three very well balanced and healthy almost adult girls. How on earth did I do that without your input?

boy found in park

This is why I wanted to know where my teens were.

I have a 16 year olds DS, and another teen and as usual, math and cory's posts about teens chime with my own view on teens

I do not think you are being unreasonable at all. My daughter is 18 and I still like to know where she is. At just 16 they are still children.

I tell my kids I want to know where they are, with whom, and when they'll be back. I don't think you are being unreasonable.

Completely agree with Math and that's the exact approach I've taken with my 17 year old son.

My daughter is 10 so we're not quite there yet, but it will be the same.

I'd be worried too not knowing where he is. It's the fact that he won't tell you that is worrying

Your child is not, and never should be your friend. That said, he's been a little shit. Confiscate his phone & ground him. At that age, you cannot possibly expect to know all his friends and their parents, but you do need to know where he is.

I would want to know who he was with

Where he is...exactly, as in an address

And when he will be back

Basic manners

I wouldnt have to know the parents though

I'm actually shocked at the amount of people saying YABU. I have a 16 year old DS who is in the first year of college and if he goes to a friends house I have to know which friend, want the address and phone number to speak to a parent. I would be so annoyed if my son had friends over at my house without my permission and I expect other parents would be to, having friends over (without supervision) can turn into something else. I often wonder if I'm too strict but the world we live in today I think you have to be. My son will text me when he gets on the bus to college in the morning and when he's on the bus home, he knows no detours from colllege are allowed without letting me know and he also has strict routines. Am I a b*h? So be it, me and my DS have a good relationship but he is disciplined and has respect!!
I know this doesn't help OP but I can completely understand why you were so worried.

dogsinhotcars YANBU.

I would want to know who he was with and where.

Hope you and ds can move on from here.If he were at home alone and you out all night would he worry. It is common courtesy. He should have told you. But I think he feared you would go and get him.

Find a good way forward. Do nt lose love or respect for him, or encourage him to for you find a way forward together.

I am a fairly relaxed parent assuming the DC is truthful and there is trust. Because of this I found that even with my more difficult DC, that if he told me where he was and always answered his phone or texts then I was happy for him to stay out at friends or go to parties or gigs because he would ring me if he needed me and I could text him if I was concerned. Never any issue.

DC two, the easiest of the two was a bugger for not answering texts, and caused me more stress when she gained independence than difficult child.

I don't think it is unreasonable for them to stay out at sixteen, I also don't think it is unreasonable that you know we they are and who they are with.

Is he home yet OP?

Perhaps the point here is that it is out of character for him, and unexpected. Perhaps if he'd not been so coy about who he was with, the OP would not have been so jumpy. I don't think you were being controlling OP. Unfortunately, 16 year olds have many hormones flying round their bodies and that surpasses the need for seeing possible danger.

I also don't think it's unreasonable to say he's your friend. He is 16 and almost fully grown and it is quite reasonable to work on a friendship basis. Bit silly of your husband possibly to say he's lost you as a friend though, because that's hurtful. You'll need to chat about that and reassure him because, although nearly grown up, teenagers are emotionally vulnerable and they remember things.
I hope that you managed to get some sleep in the end. I would just explain to him that you don't want to cramp his style, but that while he's still in your house, then midweek especially, you'd prefer that he came home and wasn't too late. Then set some ground rules for weekends. I agree that it's not necessary to know the families well, but it's not unreasonable that you know where he is, just in case there's an emergency and you need to get in touch. But, obviously he should be allowed spontaneous sleepovers at weekends - as long as he lets you know. Also, explain that his behaviour made everything so much worse because in essence you became suspicious and defensive. Had he been honest as to his whereabouts, you wouldn't have been so wretched.
I'd say don't fall out with him though. As somebody earlier said, first transgression at 16: you are clearly doing well.