To be so upset, worried and angry at son

[dogsdieinhotcars]

Son is 16. Text about 21:00 saying he's staying at a friend's. Someone I don't know. So I say no, don't know them or parents. He's 16 (just). He says everyone is so he is. I'm saying no. Where are you? Says somewhere vague about 3 miles away. I insist. He continues to say nonsense about why and can't get back coz he got there by taxi. Basically I ring him. Tell him he has to get home. Where are you? Asks his friend who laughs and says somewhere about 6 miles away. I am angry and shout telling him I need an address to pick him up. He won't give it. Don't know! Puts phone down. I text. His dad texts saying you Ave until 22:00 to tell us the address. He must turn his phone off after I text how disrespectful he is being. And he has not answered nor text since. I have gone through anger, to hurt and now fear. I am so worried and yet immensely disappointed. I never raised him to be like this. I have to work at 07:00 and I am so churned and anxious. He is still my child, and I thought he was a friend to me. I don't know what to do.

I don't think YABU at all
It is not unreasonable to want to know where your 16 year old is

I think your initial no was way too quick. He's16 not six. I tend to reply to things like this in vaguely positive tones initially always, as, as others have said, you are then much more likely to get more info etc.

I think too, you want to gave a relationship where he knows he can always ring u if in trouble. I can tell you from my own exp as teenager, someone who is v negative and controlling is not someone he'll ring if in trouble.

yanbu OP. I hope you can sort out this situation with your son. You sound like a good mother. Most of the replies here are so non sense. But you know... that's always that kind of "mums" that think that their children are little angels

Another one here who thinks the OP will just cause her son to learn to lie to her in future. He was telling you the truth this time, but I bet he won't again. All he needs to do is say he's staying at some friend who's parents you know's house, when really he's going to an all night rave.

My dad used to insist on asking the parents of wherever I was staying if I could stay, out of 'politeness' he reckoned. By 17 I had a friend who stayed over at her (adult) boyfriend's house, so we just got him to pretend to be her dad. Plenty of ways to pull the wool over unsuspecting parent's eyes.

I would love to know everyone's reactions had this been a 16 year old GIRL

I have four DDs. Oldest is now 26.

As I posted earlier, they were (and are) all allowed to go out if they want to, to parties or wherever. They always tell me when they are going out. I have always told them that they can text or call me no matter where they are (and also no matter what shape they or their friends are in) if things go tits up, and I will come and discreetly bring them home with no questions asked. I have always told my DDs to watch out for their friends, stick with their friends, and I am willing to bring friends home too to prevent the prospect of a teenage girl being left alone at a party.

I do not think you encourage maturity and independence and growth in your relationship with your teen by telling them that the world is a scary, warped place. If you seem motivated by fears and preoccupied by your own gloomy vision, and that vision does not accord with their own observation (and it will not because teens do not see things that way) then your teen will lose confidence in your ability to handle life and will feel insecure and unable to come to you if he really has a problem. Teens react almost instinctively to your fear. It is something they are almost programmed to reject and recoil from.

So by indulging your fears and anxieties you may well inadvertently foster maturity and independence, in that your teen will rely only on himself or his friends to navigate these years. You will not have growth in your own relationship with him, however.
Are you willing to settle for two out of three?

I do not keep my DDs locked up. I do not restrict their social lives. I know their friends and they are all welcome here. People I do not know are also welcome here. I will probably get to know them in due course.

I believe it is really important for them to test their ability to make decisions when they still have me to pick up the pieces for them, and so I believe it is important for me to make sure they know I am able and willing to do that and that I can handle whatever their lives throw at me.

They need encouragement from me to keep on trying to grow up and become independent, and the knowledge that I have confidence that they will try to make good decisions fosters that.

This is really important for both boys and girls in their teens.

Every child is different and needs treating accordingly. You don't suddenly reach optimum maturity levels the moment you turn 16.

So it doesn't matter what you say to your individual child - because they still are classed as children at 16, its actually down to each parents individual children and I think most parents have the gist of their own kids maturity levels. One 'saying' or 'set of rules' do not fit all.

The young boy in this case certainly was not mature enough due to his treatment and his behaviour to his parents. Let's not forget the op just wanted to know where he was to which he behaved like a total idiot and his mate even laughed down the phone.

It never fails to amaze me on here that posters genuinly believe they know best for individual children they have never never met

My dd was mature at 16 the boys 15/16) that set my local park on fire where clearly not.

Like I said - one cap doesn't fit all regardless how much you preach.

OP did say in her OP that she wanted the address to come and get him.

Nobody has said that he was right not to tell her where he was, rather that OP and her DH went about it in a very ham fitted way, making him feel the threat that they were about to embarrass him badly in front of his mates. They were then aghast that he unsurprisingly then didn't give it.

Of course they need to have a talk to him, but they also need to stop the unrealistic expectations that they must know every single one of his friends and their families.

That just doesn't happen at secondary school.

*ham fisted. Auto-correct!!

If you had not reacted with hysteria when he let you know he was staying over at his friend, and threatened to embarrass him by coming to fetch him like he was some small misbehaving kid, you might have gotten an address.

You and your husband come across like you are controlling and hysterical.

Math that post is a game changer. Thank you.

They were then aghast that he unsurprisingly then didn't give it

And rightly so, I would have been pissed off and worried.

Of course they need to have a talk to him, but they also need to stop the unrealistic expectations that they must know every single one of his friends and their families

I knew the friends that my kids where staying at, it's bloody irresponsible if you dont. Maybe if my parents where a bit more on the ball I wouldn't have been secretly staying at my BF uncles flat getting pregnant at 16.

That just doesn't happen at secondary school

Yes it does- they are still kids. So when they go to secondary school your not supposed to ask where they are staying or who's house they are at? Does that apply to 11 year olds? 12, 13,14? Or do you mind your own buisness when they reach 16 because they are basically fully fledged adults?

Hysterical is the most over used word on here. Hysterical and controlling for wanting to know where your child is .. Ok.

poster Topseyt Sun 27-Nov-16 03:00:17
thats the way YOU PARENT I know all my sons close friends parents I made it my buniess to he has core friends and randoms the core friends are the ones who he hangs around with all the time and I know when they live and can text the parents anytime to varfiy any arrangements and visa virsa and my ds is 16 I have a friend who has a 15 year old and she is the same

It's often. The teenagers who parents have no clue were they are are out causing issues

op ignore anyone who tells you that you shouldn't know we're your young person is its horse shit to many think 16 year olds are adults the police social services will disagree

He should be letting you know we're he is and when he's coming back if he won't tell you it's likey he's doing somthing he shouldn't

And tbh the parents who are saying that you shouldn't know or even dare ask were there young person is will be in for a fucking shock if anything anything ever happens to there child

The first question will be by all why didn't you know we're there were

I actually think it's scary that people leave there teens to there own devices there are not adults

They can get married have sex and join the army that's it both things don't take any maturity as we well know 2 of those 3 require you to sighn your own name and the other requires well the correct organs

Put a tracker on his phone if you are that bothered. But the more you 'nag' the less he's going to want to be honest with you. Treat him like an adult.

"Treat him like an adult."

Why?

Ingnore the last post

Adults don't lie about there were abouts

He's not a adult he's a teenager and he has to understand there are many things that can be compermised but knowing we're he is and when he's coming home is not one of them

Tbh this would a be red line for me

My children would not be allowed to swan about with out giving nite about were there are and what time they are back there are only two people who can do that in my home and that's ME AND DH

Hope you're feeling better this morning op and get a good chat with ds today about how you both feel

TheFishWife, there is one other thing that teenagers- young people only 2 years older than the OP's ds- both can and are expected to do, and that is to go away to university and live on their own, far from their parents, in an environment that is full of dangers and temptations, where you won't know a single of their friends and where nobody will look after them or check where they are at night. And even the ones who don't go away will turn 18 and demand the same independence.

No, I don't think a 16yo should have the same liberties as an 18yo. But I do think that parenting of a 16yo should be moving towards that stage, with the thought constantly present that this is what they are being prepared for and (unless there are serious reasons to believe otherwise) that this is something you are fully confident they will cope with when the time comes.

Math's posts strike me as spot on. And yes, I do have a 16yo ds, and have had a 16yo dd in the past.

16 years olds don't go to uni so not really sure what your talking about

And at 16 telling Somone were you are going and what time you will be home is standard basic

Espically if it's Somone you don't know you may be be happy for your teen to ring you say I am not coming home with out explanation of with whom were on when but its parents wouldn't not be and tbh I wouldn't allow any of ds friends to stay if I felt they hadn't told there parent

I worked for ss for 7 years and they only parents I ever ment who allowed there teens to galvant with out knowing were families with a a lot of issues and often had dealings with the police

It's not that normal not to inquire were you teen is and when they will be back home and it's compltey normal for alarm bells to ring if they won't tell you

This is not a letting go of strings issue if he was 18 it's Diffrent if they don't want to tell you but to be honest I think most parents would still ask tbh

2 years is hughe in terms of maturity for example 17 year old are allowed to drive but most 15 year olds would not be able to handle the huge danger driving comes with only two years Diffrence and I would not want a 15 year old driving in terms 15 and and 17 there is a big Diffrence in thinking and risk assemnet

"My husband told him in text that he has lost a good friend in me"

You are not his friend and what a shitty thing to have said to him. Your husband has gone the right away of making sure your 16 year old doesn't confide in you again. Well done.

Thefishewife Mon 28-Nov-16 11:31:48
"16 years olds don't go to uni so not really sure what your talking about "

I am talking about the fact that they need to prepare for going to uni: it takes time. It's not the case that some magic switch turns on on their 18th birthday that suddenly gives them all the experience and ability to make independent decisions that they didn't have before.

Ime (university lecturer) the ones that do best are the ones that have been able to learn independent skills gradually, who come from involved, but not over-involved families, who are used to thinking for themselves but can also take advice from older more experienced people.

Of course I don't think they should be allowed to gallivant around without any parental care whatsoever from a young age. Mathanxiety doesn't advocate that either in her posts. What we both think is that they should gradually be given more and more opportunities to practise making their own calls about situations. A middle way, somewhere between "we don't care what decisions you make" and "we don't believe you are capable of making any decisions". Involving as much openness as possible- and that includes making teens feel they can be open.

An 18yo in a strange city who has never before had to make a decision about whether a situation is safe or dodgy is going to be at a massive disadvantage.

Again, the driving analogy is good. You don't suddenly give a driving licence to somebody who has never driven the car before: however scary, the driving instructor has to allow the learner to get behind that wheel and practise= actually drive the car. Of course they don't know how to drive, but they won't learn either if they are not allowed to do it. And gradually, the driving instructor will give them fewer and fewer instructions until finally they are ready for the test and to become completely independent drivers. That is pretty well how I view those years between 16 and 18.

Yes it does- they are still kids. So when they go to secondary school your not supposed to ask where they are staying or who's house they are at? Does that apply to 11 year olds? 12, 13,14? Or do you mind your own buisness when they reach 16 because they are basically fully fledged adults?

PotNoodle, the point you are answering here relates to actually knowing in the sense of having met the parents of every friend, including friends from secondary school and from other activities. Generally it isn't realistic to do this. That is not the same as knowing where they are staying. I don't think anyone has suggested that parents don't need to know where their children are when they're out, but it is unrealistic to demand that they don't go to friends' houses unless they know the parents.