To think my partner should pay more towards the nursery fees than me?

[Clarabellb]

This is my first ever post and I really need objective views. Sorry for poor use of acronyms!

I am currently studying for a PhD and have an 8 month old. DS has been in nursery 2 mornings a week since 6 months old to ease him in and so that I could get back into my PhD after a 6 month break.

I am worrying that I am falling behind and would like to increase DS's hours in the nursery. My PhD is full time but I feel I could manage putting him in part time (25 hours/week). There are two reasons for this: (1) although he loves nursery he is still very young; (2) cost. I could also work in the evenings once he is in bed.

However, I feel that my husband who works full time should contribute more towards the cost of childcare since I am living off a stipend and a small amount of extra money I make from teaching and he earns more and I am doing a much higher proportion of the childcare.

My DM and sister agree with me, but then they would support me. My DH thinks it is cheeky and we should split the cost 50/50.

He is absolutely a brilliant dad, that's not what this is about at all. But AIBU to expect him to pay more? We have been together since I was in my teens (now mid-30s) and we don't have joint accounts and split everything else 50/50 just out of habit.

Thanks in advance for your views :)

YANBU if he earns more he needs to fork out more! Is he usually so tight?

What? You have been together for decades. You are doing a phd to improve your family situation and you have separate finances?

You need to sit down and have a proper convo about your joint finances.

YABVVU. You should split the childcare costs 50:50. So the nursery cost 50:50 + he should pay you at the going nursery rate for all the other hours that you look after your child. So, say 9-5 x 5 = 80 hours, each of you should pay for 40 hours of childcare each. So your partner can pay for 12.5 hours of nursery per week, and then pay you for 27.5 hours of childcare per week. I wouldn't want to be unreasonable and include other things in this, and evenings and weekends are anyway parental time.

(I am also doing a PhD on a London stipend, and currently expecting DC1. But we pool our income and share everything. What happens when your kid grows up and wants piano lessons btw? Will DH pay for half a year, and then tell DC to stop now because it's mummy's turn to pay and she can't afford it?)

That does sound logical Donald, it's just the way it's ended up. All the bills are paid from one of my accounts and DH transfers his half to me every month.

Why don't you just pool your money?

It's not a good way to do things OP because you're earning much less. ALl money should be pooled

Who pays for your childs day to day requirements?
Do you have the same amount of disposable income?
Do you have savings that you both have equal access to?

Will you out earn him after you have finished your studies?

When a child comes a long things have to change because otherwise one parent, usually the mother, ends up seriously financially disadvantaged. Suggest that all money is pooled from now on, with bills going out of a joint account (including nursery), savings going into a joint account and you both having the same amount of personal money going into your individual accounts.

I suspect that he will kick off, but ask him why you should subsidise his work by providing free childcare.

His reaction will tell you a lot, but bear in mind that if he refuses then it will always be like this, until you out earn him and then he will expect you to pay more than him.......

So you're earning a PhD pittance and he's earning a decent salary and he thinks you should pay equal amounts towards your child's nursery costs?

And you've been together for twenty years?

So depressing.

I couldn't eat steak while the person I loved was eating bread and water. Your DH can. Particularly as you are presumably working to improve your situation for the family.

How much more does he earn?

Assuming significantly more rather than £30 a month or something, HIBU.

How have you split bills etc while you've been studying and on mat leave?

Yes significantly more puglife. I only have 18 months of PhD left. I was doing a lot of extra paid work before I fell pregnant so I was entitled to SMP so all joint bills were still split 50/50. I am happy to pay 50/50 on everything else. The only reason I have an issue with the nursery fees is because I am doing the majority of the childcare.

The 50:50 thing works fine while income is similar. But when incomes become vastly different - either because someone goes into training, reduces hours or any other reason, it doesn't work.

The most common suggestions I've seen are
*Pool everything

• Split by income, so if you are earning 10k, and he 20k, you put in 1/3 of the bills, and he puts in 2/3.
• Split so you both have the same amount left over after all bills (and childcare counts as a bill), say £200 each, and everything else goesinto a bills account.

If the current situation leaves you scraping for pennies, while he can go out and party, it's wrong.

I also agree, this isn't on.

We put a percentage of our salaries into a joint account, with the remaining percentage in our own accounts, so as a minimum you should have one account together to cover joint household costs.inc nursery.

You need to sit down with him and discuss finances, it's changed now you have a child and the fact you're studying makes him the main breadwinner at this stage of your lives, so his financial contribution should be higher. Explain to him that will change over time, but right now he's the main bread winner, you have joint costs, your child needs additional nursery hours or you will struggle, and you need to set up a joint account to pay all your bills inc the nursery costs which isn't negotiable.

Of course he should pay more than half. Splitting things fairly rarely means equally, you should pay proportionally based on what money you bring in. Or better still, after all this time why isn't your money just shared, especially when it comes to paying for your child? You're a family not roommates.

I know everyone runs family finances different but when there's a situation like this I'm always amazed at the unfairness of it all. You are a family. With a child together. But you sound like single people really. And your DH is unwilling to contribute property for childcare? It's mean, selfish and doesn't strike me as a good indication generally that it's a healthy relationship.

Wow DH and I have been together since uni. We have always had a joint account any earning went in and if you needed something over £50 we'd discuss.
Pre kids I was the breadwinner and earn significantly more than DH. We then had a disabled DS and now I am his carer and cannot return to work.
Same situation occurs.
We are a team !

This has been posted before but bears being posted again. Equal is not always fair.....

YANBU. I too am concerned by your lack of shared finances. We do the covering of any bills and then the remaining money is split equally and put into personal accounts for us to do with as we wish. Other people pool everything and don't have personal accounts at all. Either one of those is fair unlike your present arrangement.

Me and dh have never shared finances.

It's works for us because when we haven't earn the similar amounts, the other one is always willy to pick up the slack. Sometimes it's been me. Sometimes it's him.

If we go out one of us pays. We don't keep tally. Neither of us are mean with money.

We focus on what we have left over after bills and savings have been sorted. We like living this way. But it only works if neither is mean with money.

I couldn't be arsed splitting finances. far too much trouble.
What if you were a SAHM?
If you go out do you split the bill? Taxi fare? Does your OH eat more than you? Do you shower more? Do either of you give lifts to each other? Do you charge for those things?
For us part of being a family is to pool resources, emotional support, physical work, housework, attention to the kids and finances, we don't have personal finances.
We are a team, a couple, we weather the storm of life together.

He's not mean with money, we don't keep a tally on what we spend on shopping, eating out etc. it's just the set monthly bills we've always split 50/50. There have been times before where I've earned more and vice versa and we've always had the same arrangement.

Thank you all for your comments. As you've all pointed out the main change here is our DS and perhaps we do finally need to open a joint account.

There have been times before where I've earned more and vice versa and we've always had the same arrangement.

Is this where the problem is? In the past you haven't taken on more financially, even though you have earned more?

I can kind of see his point. But you now have a child together so it's a different situation.

Probably Scooby, it's certainly why I questioned whether AIBU. It's also why I am happy to continue with 50/50 for everything else but when it comes to our DS I am doing the majority of the childcare so don't feel I should also be paying the same nursery fees.

He does sound mean with money. Either that or he's using it to control you. He knows that if he doesn't pay for the extra nursery time it'll seriously affect your ability to get your PhD. Is that what he wants?