To think my partner should pay more towards the nursery fees than me?

[Clarabellb]

This is my first ever post and I really need objective views. Sorry for poor use of acronyms!

I am currently studying for a PhD and have an 8 month old. DS has been in nursery 2 mornings a week since 6 months old to ease him in and so that I could get back into my PhD after a 6 month break.

I am worrying that I am falling behind and would like to increase DS's hours in the nursery. My PhD is full time but I feel I could manage putting him in part time (25 hours/week). There are two reasons for this: (1) although he loves nursery he is still very young; (2) cost. I could also work in the evenings once he is in bed.

However, I feel that my husband who works full time should contribute more towards the cost of childcare since I am living off a stipend and a small amount of extra money I make from teaching and he earns more and I am doing a much higher proportion of the childcare.

My DM and sister agree with me, but then they would support me. My DH thinks it is cheeky and we should split the cost 50/50.

He is absolutely a brilliant dad, that's not what this is about at all. But AIBU to expect him to pay more? We have been together since I was in my teens (now mid-30s) and we don't have joint accounts and split everything else 50/50 just out of habit.

Thanks in advance for your views :)

This is where separate finances can cause problems. Me and dh have always been like this. Even before kids the one earning more would have contributed more. Your dh sees it as the rule is everything is 50:50, regardless of the situation, as that's how it's always been.

I think you need to talk and and listen and work through it. I find joint finances easy, but it doesn't work for everyone. I would find completely combined finances more difficult. You both need to find what works for you.

Charging each other for childcare?

Are there other areas of your marriage that are so fragile?

Your childcare responsibilities should certainly be 50:50.

But the hours of childcare you provide yourself while he is working come off your share of the 50:50 so if he out if the house for work (including commuting) 50 hours a week and is in the house doing an equal share of what needs doing the rest of the time (so that is 118 hours of the 168 in the week already split 50:50) then you are responsible for 25 hours and he is responsible for 25 hours - so you do your share in person and he pays 100% of the nursery fees.

Or act like you are actually partners in life and keeps all your finances joint with no concept of what is his and what is yours because everything is "ours".

Yes bills should be split percentage wise based on income, including childcare. He is being unreasonable.

I find this all very odd.
It's the family's pooled income surely???

I think you need to have a serious chat about your finances OP.

We 'split' the bills, however DH's monetary contribution is higher as he earns more. I work part time so my contribution is doing more of the cleaning, cooking and childcare. It works for both of us which is the most important bit.

You need to find a solution which works for both of you, I think your OH is taking the piss quite frankly.

So he gets free childcare from you part of the week and when you need to outsource it you share the cost equally?

Hmmmm.

Yes bills should be split percentage wise based on income, including childcare

Should?

We don't split bills. All paid out of one pot.

But OP you are living as a family and therefore surely all earnings should be 'family' money? I would personally pool all the money.

So at the moment you are doing most of the childcare when he is at work & then he expects you to pay for the time your DS is in nursery? He can either pay for all of it or pay you 50% of what childcare costs when you are doing the childcare. I expect once you are finished studying and in a good job he will come up with the bright idea of a joint account.

Why is it up to you to arrange the childcare and make it work around your commitments?!

If it's 50:50 then he needs to be 50% responsible in organising the nursery, getting him there, etc...

Sounds like bullshit op. The fact that your son is in nursery is benefitting him aswell so that he can work so all money should be pooled rather than you both pay equal amounts

Sorry OP if he is unwilling to contribute more to childcare he is mean with money.

If he refuses to have pooled family money then you need to start charging him for the services you provide - including childcare for his child - which enable him to go to work and earn his high salary. He can't have it both ways.

I still believe joint finances are the easiest way but I know that many people maintain desperate for various reasons.

If separate finances are in place contributions should be in line with earning so for easy figures your bills are 1500 a month. You earn 1000 and your partner earns 1500. If you split that 50/50 you are left with 250 whilst he has 750. If he paid 1000 to your 500 then you both have 500 left.

However you manage the accounts you should both have the same amount of free money each month. Adjust your figures as incomes fluctuate. This is the only fair way to do it.

DP and I don't have joint accounts. Both us were screwed finically by exs and just prefer to keep money seperate. We work out who earns what % of total income and split bills that way. Currently he earns 80%, i 20% so he pays 80% i pay 20%.

The PP above who mentioned 50:50 split but you do 25 hours yourself and he pays for 25 hours makes a good point. He shouldn't be making you spend down to your last pennies as you are trying to study to better your career whilst bring up your JOINT child whilst he sits there with his extra cash in the bank.

The fair progression of finances is:
Start off 50/50 in early days of relationship.
When you marry and especially when you have children you progress to sharing all income and then the outgoings are paid out of a joint pot. That means you both then get equal spending money out of what's left. Savings are a shared asset also.

That's because once you marry you become a financial team where your money pot is shared. This is important otherwise the power balance becomes unequal - one partner will struggle and scrimp and save, whilst the other has lots of spare cash.

Really, as you are currently earning much less this is the time for a shared pot to be created. You now have a child and it is important to do it now whilst you can't earn as much as him and also have extra costs.

If you keep it separated this way then you'll find it harder and harder. The costs of children rise as they grow. By the time they get to primary you have school uniforms, trips, school dinners, clubs and all sorts of other costs to pay on top of housey things.

The best way forward is to have an honest and open talk about what you think you should do. You are married so legally you share finances which doesn't mean paying 50/50 for everything, rather you have one pot for all of you to contribute to and use when needed.

If it is 50:50, then you are doing your 50% and he needs to pay for the other 50%. Ie all of the part time childcare.

Just out of interest, how do you manage the bills/rent/food shopping? Do you split all costs 50/50? If so, how do you do it? Do you go through everything and work out half of it and put it into one or the others' bank account?

And what's he doing with all his spare money while you're scrimping for nursery fees??

So, when you were the higher earner, you split the bills 50-50, leaving him with much less disposable income than you, and this was fine with you. Now, he's the higher earner because you have decided to pack in your job and go back to uni, and you want him to pay more than 50%?? Either you share finances or you do 50-50, or you pay in proportion to earnings. Its not fair that the arrangement is 50-50 when you benefit, and then changes when you don't benefit anymore. What would happen if you ever became the higher earner again? I'm guessing you'd want to go back to 50-50?? Sounds a bit selfish.

This sounds very odd. (And depressing - why did you agree to it?). Pool (we've always pooled - luckily as we have a severely disabled child & I've had 17 years of not earning much) or split according to % income.

50:50 is him taking the piss.

If he won't budge invoice him for the hours of childcare you provide.

You definitely need a shared account (and a private one each). How could you ever know if the bills really are split 50/50 without writing all the spending and bills down and calculating it at the end of the month?

It might be worth seeing if his job does childcare vouchers which you can use for the nursery, which will decrease the amount of tax he pays.

We have been married for over 30 years. All our income has always gone into a joint account, even though my husband has always earned more than me, and there was a time when I wasn't working at all, when our children were small. The bills are all paid out of this account. When he took voluntary redundancy after his work made an offer he couldn't refuse, the lump sum paid off the mortgage and the rest went into joint savings. When I inherited money on the death of my parents, the money all went into joint investments. It's the easiest and most practical way to do things. And of course when the inevitable happens, and one partner dies, the other will still be able to access the money.

Actually harsh I was already studying before I got pregnant...and that was a joint decision. I've said time and time again I am happy to split the other bills 50/50 but I don't see why I should pay 50% of the nursery fees when I also do the majority of the childcare.