To think my partner should pay more towards the nursery fees than me?

[Clarabellb]

This is my first ever post and I really need objective views. Sorry for poor use of acronyms!

I am currently studying for a PhD and have an 8 month old. DS has been in nursery 2 mornings a week since 6 months old to ease him in and so that I could get back into my PhD after a 6 month break.

I am worrying that I am falling behind and would like to increase DS's hours in the nursery. My PhD is full time but I feel I could manage putting him in part time (25 hours/week). There are two reasons for this: (1) although he loves nursery he is still very young; (2) cost. I could also work in the evenings once he is in bed.

However, I feel that my husband who works full time should contribute more towards the cost of childcare since I am living off a stipend and a small amount of extra money I make from teaching and he earns more and I am doing a much higher proportion of the childcare.

My DM and sister agree with me, but then they would support me. My DH thinks it is cheeky and we should split the cost 50/50.

He is absolutely a brilliant dad, that's not what this is about at all. But AIBU to expect him to pay more? We have been together since I was in my teens (now mid-30s) and we don't have joint accounts and split everything else 50/50 just out of habit.

Thanks in advance for your views :)

[Clarabellb]

Harsh you may think I'm selfish but I pay the car finance - we both use the car - because DH has a season ticket to travel into London which is expensive. And to be clear, throughout the majority of our relationship (since 1998) he has earned more than me. The 50/50 thing is just an old habit. Now we have a DS finances have changed.
Thank you to everyone who has suggested pooling the money. I think this is sensible. I am due three quite substantial payments for some overseas teaching I did so I am going to suggest these go into joint savings too. I will discuss this with him.

[MargaretCavendish]

While I can see why it would prompt some (hopefully pretty momentary) resentment from the partner, I really don't think their previous money arrangements are that relevant. Circumstances have changed. When I first lived with my now husband we split everything 50-50, even though he earned more. When we got married and bought a house we went to joint finances (everything pooled and then we both get the same amount of 'fun money' in our personal accounts each month). I guess that means I've lost out as I now earn significantly more than him. I don't see it like that, though. When circumstances change it's natural for financial arrangements to change too.

[gillybeanz]

Does it matter, it's all family money surely? childcare comes out of the family pot.
All money is shared when you are married isn't it? I have never understood this separate money thing neither, sorry.

[expatinscotland]

Never understood all this 50/50 crap with a husband. I used to split bills like that flatmates, for my own room and bed.

[harshbuttrue1980]

Rentandbills, does it not change your outlook when the OP said that she had made her DH pay 50% of everything when SHE was the higher earner?? I'm not really surprised her DH is rebelling when she changes the goalposts to suit her.

[mirokarikovo]

I disagree strongly with the model outlined by RentANDBills and others. If you follow that model and one of you earns 4 times more than what the other earns, so 80% of household expenditure comes from one and 20% from the other - then if household expenditure totals up to 90% of the joint income and both people therefore put 90% of their earnings into the household then the "rich" person's 10% left over is 4 times bigger than their so-called partner.

If you are a genuine committed partnership then striving for equality in everything should come naturally and neither should want to be having 4 time more personal spending freedom than the other.

[RentANDBills]

If he earns 70% (for example) of the household income, then he should be paying 70% of the household expenses.

Add up all of your joint outgoings (including childcare!) and then work out your percentage.
If your joint outgoings come to £1000, for example, he should be paying £700 of that and you £300.

A PhD is a full time job (DP has just finished his, so I know!) and needs to be treated as such. This is why you get a stipend during it!

[JenLindleyShitMom]

If he wants to split everything 50:50 then that's what he gets. What that means is he is responsible for looking after his child for 50% of the week and if he can't look after him during his half then he has to pay for whatever childcare he needs. You sort your own half of the week.

[MargaretCavendish]

Aww, some Mumsnet love just for me!

So much solidarity, Clara. People are so annoying about PhDs. My extended family somehow just refused to believe that I earned money and lived independently during mine - they all felt so sorry for my parents who they firmly believed paid entirely for my life. I think they may have thought that PhD funding was a lie that we had collectively cooked up...

[Scooby20]

It can work even when you have kids.

Me and dh have been married 14 years. We are doing fine, even with 2 kids and separate finances.

[BikeRunSki]

Set up a joint account. Pool all uour money, allow your selves a sensible and affordable amount of personal spending money every month - keep this in personal accounts. All joint expenses rent/mortgage, nursery fees. food, holidays, DC activities etc comes out of joint account.

Believe me, nursery fees are only the start of it.

[AndNowItsSeven]

Think mumsnet should produce a guide to family finances.
This should be the guide.
If you are committed enough to live together and have a child, share all your finances.
That's it very simple ,no need to complicated calculations.

[YelloDraw]

I am all for independent finances... but it doesn't work when you have a child

[kittybiscuits]

[Clarabellb]

Me too kittybiscuits

[kittybiscuits]

I think I love MargaretCavendish a little bit.

[MargaretCavendish]

(Though for the record I actually also think it would be ridiculous and close-minded to tell a woman in her thirties doing an undergraduate degree that she shouldn't contemplate having a baby)

[MargaretCavendish]

Again, bobochic it's ridiculous to lump a funded PhD and an undergraduate degree together. PhD students with funding are paid (albeit hardly handsomely); undergraduates are paying to study.

[Trifleorbust]

Bobochic: Of course it is closed minded to confidently generalise about the situations of people you barely know. Couples in all sorts of different situations argue about money. The OP has decided, in conjunction with her DH, that she will pursue a career change. As a couple they can afford this so best to stick to the specifics of what she is asking, which is whether it is reasonable for them to split childcare costs, not whether it is reasonable for her to go back into education.

[MargaretCavendish]

Sorry for many typos!

[MargaretCavendish]

I think people are also reacting badly/weirdly because they don't really know what a PhD stipend is/is worth. When I did mine (a few years ago) it was the equivalent of what you'd take home from a gross salary of £20k. If I went on a thread with a woman who was earning that as am admit assistant and told her that of course her husband wouldn't want to subsidise her piddly little job I suspect it would go down quite poorly...

[Bobochic]

It is not closed minded to be frank about the realities of taking on too many unpaid or badly paid responsibilities.

[Clarabellb]

And I am working Sheldon...I teach to earn extra money above the phd funding I receive.

[Clarabellb]

*very unhappy in previous career