To think my partner should pay more towards the nursery fees than me?

[Clarabellb]

This is my first ever post and I really need objective views. Sorry for poor use of acronyms!

I am currently studying for a PhD and have an 8 month old. DS has been in nursery 2 mornings a week since 6 months old to ease him in and so that I could get back into my PhD after a 6 month break.

I am worrying that I am falling behind and would like to increase DS's hours in the nursery. My PhD is full time but I feel I could manage putting him in part time (25 hours/week). There are two reasons for this: (1) although he loves nursery he is still very young; (2) cost. I could also work in the evenings once he is in bed.

However, I feel that my husband who works full time should contribute more towards the cost of childcare since I am living off a stipend and a small amount of extra money I make from teaching and he earns more and I am doing a much higher proportion of the childcare.

My DM and sister agree with me, but then they would support me. My DH thinks it is cheeky and we should split the cost 50/50.

He is absolutely a brilliant dad, that's not what this is about at all. But AIBU to expect him to pay more? We have been together since I was in my teens (now mid-30s) and we don't have joint accounts and split everything else 50/50 just out of habit.

Thanks in advance for your views :)

We've always done 50:50 when living together and when married. When going out pre moving in I was a student and he had a job, we still paid for nights out/holidays 50:50. We've both been fairly high earners since I got a job so continued with the 50:50. Sometimes I had more money, sometimes he did. We never adjusted it because it was only a difference in spending/saving money as there was enough to cover the bills. We did however agree that during maternity he would have to cover all the household bills as I wouldn't earn enough.

I think the fair outcome is for both partners to have equal free time and disposable money, or as far as it can be arranged.

The problem is for you that 50:50 is no longer fair as DS is a disproportionate drain on your resources compared to his dad's. You are subsidising his dad. I think the only circumstance in which this might be even vaguely fair is if you unilaterally jacked in a good job to pursue a phd as a hobby without any discussion or joint planning. I can see in those circumstances he might want to punish you for your venture.

If DH doesn't want to pay more towards nursery suggest some unpaid leave so he can have DS regularly during the week. His personal income will take a hit, but so has yours if you can no longer top up your money by working.

harsh The OP says it has been both ways previously, and she's not complaining about the rest of the bills, just childcare. This is a new situation for which they're both responsible. He is getting lots of free care from her so he can work, but now she needs more he's unwilling to pay for it. He's not paying 50/50 in reality because he's only paying for half the hours OP currently uses, not half the hours he uses. It's him who is being unfair.

At the moment the childcare is the issue, but in the future is she expected to pay for all the food that their child eats, uniform, bus fare to school, school trips, after school clubs, Birthday and Christmas presents for the child, etc?

Thank you convincingliar for your post, that's exactly how we've worked before and from reading your post I think you understand exactly where I am coming from.

I will discuss the two options presented here with him (joint acc and even disposable income or pay higher %age of nursery) and let you all know the outcome. I would be happy with the latter.

Kpo58 - no, he wouldn't expect that

If he doesn't want to pay a faIr share he needs to drop his hours and look after baby. He's not pulling his weight and is personally benefitting from it.

YANBU! Surely, as a married couple, everything you have belongs to both of you equally? Isn't that still in the marriage vows? Maybe it's not there any more, but there used to be a vow which said "all my worldly goods I thee endow" in other words, 'everything I have is yours.'

Your not doing childcare, you are parenting. I sometimes wonder why people have children when caring for them is begrudged. As for suggesting a partner pays the other for childcare, words fail me.

Of course, if you are home more than him you will be doing more, likewise if he worked less hours like you he would be. Perhaps he would love to be the one at home but has no choice as somebody needs to be in employment.

You seem to want your cake and eat it, when you earn more you kept it but when he does he should pay more of the bills.

You are getting a much harder time here than most posters discussing income splits, OP. I suspect it is because you are a PhD student and this brings out the green eyed monster in people who don't have the freedom to do this? It may be because you are not earning net at the moment and people feel that you aren't doing a 'proper' job so you should be a SAHM. I don't know. Either way, the finances of this situation are the issue here. You are not asking whether you should be making different professional choices. You and your husband should be pooling your income. There is no reason you should be paying 50% of individual bills when your incomes are so disparate - it makes no sense.

Think mumsnet should produce a guide to family finances.
This should be the guide.
If you are committed enough to live together and have a child, share all your finances.
That's it very simple ,no need to complicated calculations.

Oh Sheldon, is there never an angle too obtuse for you to find it?

I am not personally in favour of married couples who have not finished their education having DC. Education is something to be paid for by parents or by the person concerned and DC are a major responsibility incompatible with higher education. When one half of a couple is in HE and has children all sorts of difficult issues arise, as in the OP.

Bobochic: That is between them though. Not the subject of the OP. And don't be so closed-minded.

Just to be clear we are not struggling financially, but neither are we rolling in it. I don't begrudge parenting my child and find those remarks pretty offensive. However, I do agree that expecting one partner to pay the other for childcare is very strange.
I chose to make a career change as I was very unhappy prior to falling pregnant so had already started my phd (was almost half way in). I am in my mid-thirties and didn't expect to be studying again but that's life.
Finishing it will give my DS the best future.

*very unhappy in previous career

And I am working Sheldon...I teach to earn extra money above the phd funding I receive.

It is not closed minded to be frank about the realities of taking on too many unpaid or badly paid responsibilities.

I think people are also reacting badly/weirdly because they don't really know what a PhD stipend is/is worth. When I did mine (a few years ago) it was the equivalent of what you'd take home from a gross salary of £20k. If I went on a thread with a woman who was earning that as am admit assistant and told her that of course her husband wouldn't want to subsidise her piddly little job I suspect it would go down quite poorly...

Sorry for many typos!

Bobochic: Of course it is closed minded to confidently generalise about the situations of people you barely know. Couples in all sorts of different situations argue about money. The OP has decided, in conjunction with her DH, that she will pursue a career change. As a couple they can afford this so best to stick to the specifics of what she is asking, which is whether it is reasonable for them to split childcare costs, not whether it is reasonable for her to go back into education.

Again, bobochic it's ridiculous to lump a funded PhD and an undergraduate degree together. PhD students with funding are paid (albeit hardly handsomely); undergraduates are paying to study.

(Though for the record I actually also think it would be ridiculous and close-minded to tell a woman in her thirties doing an undergraduate degree that she shouldn't contemplate having a baby)

I think I love MargaretCavendish a little bit.

Me too kittybiscuits