AIBU to expect 'D'P to back me up on the Santa thing..?

[Tillyscoutsmum]

Had the shittest week in a very shit year so may be over reacting (and happy to be told if that's the case but please be gentle 😢)

So DD is 9 (and a fairly "young" 9) She came home a couple years of weeks ago and said that one of her friends at school has told her Santa didn't exist. She asked me whether he did and I could tell that she still wanted to believe but was just looking for me to confirm that he did. I don't necessarily agree with outright lying and I know some parents don't agree with the whole Santa charade at all, but personally, I feel it adds a bit of "magic" to Christmas and would like to keep it up for as long as is reasonably possible. With that in mind, I just asked her how she thought the presents got there and who she thought ate the mince pie etc. and she seemed reassured that her friend must be wrong. I did tell her that some people chose to believe and others didn't and that it was up to her. This conversation also took place in front of 6 year old DS, so whilst I acknowledge that 9 is a reasonable age to start getting doubts, I really wanted to avoid planting any seeds of doubt in DS' mind.

DP was there during the convo. For clarity, he is not their dad and is a relatively new relationship (about 2 and half years but only involved with DCs for a year or so). During the convo and in front of both dcs, he starts shaking his head and saying "You should tell them the truth". I tried to shush him but DD asked him whether he 'believed' and he said he didn't because he was an adult. DD kept then asking me, getting quite upset and begging me to tell her the truth so I came clean at bedtime (just me and her) and we had a little cry about how she was growing up and a tiny bit of the magic would be gone for her and she must promise to go along with it all in front of DS until he's a bit older and starts having doubts his self. I was pissed off with DP but didn't really say anything.

So yesterday we were at a Xmas light switch on complete with the big, red fella. DS is excited and DD is playing along. DP then starts making comments again implying that he's not real. I asked him very calmly to please not express his cynicism in front of DS. He then proceeds to shout at me, telling me DS is a bright lad and will work it out for himself soon enough. It got quite heated and I've been offish with him today (hoping for an apology tbh). It's just blown up again and he's accused me of being a "psycho" about Christmas and said I'm making a big deal out of nothing. He reckons I put too much emphasis on Christmas and making it special and says I'm doing it to get one over on ex h 😵 (Blatantly not true btw. I've always loved Christmas).

Sorry. That was really long (and dull)

So AIBU? Or is he a twat??

Nasty twat

It sounds a bit unbelievable though......

Its not unbelievable, its Magic

Totally 100% twat

I feel rather sick to the stomach at the thought of some random man coming into my home and sneering at my children's fun beliefs, pricking holes in their confidence and heir traditions.

The fact he considers your Christmas customs to be a sort of thing you do to sneer at your ex suggests he knows absolutely nothing about families.

The shouting is a worry. I have known people who grew up on eggshells around stepfathers and similar, and it's very damaging.

I am sorry OP, you must feel awful - he has shown a very ugly side to himself. It's like you love someone and you're with them for years and then they make one disgusting comment and you wonder if you've got them wrong all this time.

We don't celebrate but I think he is being a twat. We are muslim but even I took them to see santa at the school fair and I said he doesn't go to houses at Xmas anymore as there are too many kids so we made an appointment to see him at school.... we don't celebrate so I didn't want them to be disappointed on the holidays. Kids don't ask what santander brought them to each other anyway. And we have other holidays in the year.

Voyage, it would be brilliant if all the wankers in the world showed their true colours on the first date but sadly it can sometimes take years.

It sounds like this guys shitty behaviour has been building up for a while - Problem is, it's impacting on the kids now which is when most people say enough is enough.

Thanks all for the thoughts and advice. VoyageofDad - you are of course right that a step father figure (a long term one) would and should have some input on parenting. I'm happy to listen to opinions/thoughts and will take things on board. God knows I don't have all the answers!! It's just the way it was done and the fact that, even now, he still doesn't think he's done anything wrong. He firmly believes he has the right to his opinion (agreed). His delightful line "Opinions are like arseholes. Everyone has one". My reply "Yes but we don't go inflicting our arseholes on others without prior agreement and certainly not in front of others". He still doesn't get it 😔

To others, he does have some redeeming features (honestly!). The reason I posted is because we both have very similar backgrounds (shit childhoods. Abusive step fathers). My response to that is to sometimes overcompensate by going OTT with things for my dcs. I am also ultra sensitive to his behaviour in front of my children. In his defence, he never shouts AT them and is generally really good with them. I suppose I just wanted validation from "others" that his behaviour toward me in front of them was as concerning as I find it and not just an example of my sensitivity. Does that make sense??

Fundamentally though, I just don't think there is a long term future here. His idea of parenting is very different to mine so whilst I am open to the idea of a future partner having a co-parenting role, I think it needs to be someone who at least has similar views to me or someone who can accept that where our views differ, I actually get the final say because they're my children. He's not that person.

Am I going to end it? Yes. Do I have the balls to do it before Christmas (and mine and DS' birthdays next week). Possibly not 😬 The dcs will be gutted. They really will. I think holding out til Jan would be better. I'm happy to do the nod/smile/eggshells thing until then to avoid any conflict. I suspect that makes me a spineless arse 😔

I've never said LTB on here but this is a time that your need to consider it.

Sure a long term partner needs to have some involvement in pareting, but you say you don't have similar views or isn't willing to compromise and discuss thingsome with you isn't the partner who would become a step parent. He actually thinks it's OK to shout rather than have a calm discussion?

I can see from your responses that this santa thing is more of the tip of the iceberg. I just hope him being around you for Christmas doesn't completely ruin it for your DS. Regardless of anyone else's views on santa, it's up to you on whether you want your kids believing in the magic of Christmas. FWIW I believed until 11 and didn't get bullied for it. I then continued to pretend to believe for my sisters sake who is 6 years younger. It was fun being involved with the grown up part of Christmas.

Choosing to wait until January to end the relationship isn't spineless but do be careful of the backlash. He could claim you waited just to get presents...and with what you've said I wouldn't put that past him!

I understand your reluctance not to finish before Xmas but I have to wonder at what he will do or say at Xmas when the kids get their presents from Santa? If you continue with him you are basically saying its ok for him to say stuff like this (as he doesnt have any intentions of stopping from what he is telling you) TBH I can see him sitting smirking and underplaying Xmas morning just so that he can get his point across to them.

I think its as form of bullying both you and the kids into his way or nothing. If he doesnt get his way he shouts you down so he doesnt have to listen to you. Massive Red flag. I would kick him into touch now before he spoils the whole run up to Xmas too. Sorry but jmho. Nobody would spoil Xmas for my kids.

Is he going to keep bringing this up every time you go out, every time kids mention Santa and what they want for Xmas? Is he going to say that you bought the presents not Santa? I would be very concerned that after all your hard work he will just wade in and spoil it for everyone. Your son is very young and how many more Xmasses does he have to believe in the magic? He doesnt need it taken away by your partner.
Its not his place to do this and certainly not to shout you down about it. He doesnt get to make decisions about your kids beliefs.

Anyone who talked to me like that would be having a conversation about it ever happening again and he would be gone. He doesnt own you, he cannot tell you how to spend Xmas (I love Xmas and always make it as special as poss for us all but even my ex who was very 'bah humbug' about the whole thing would join in and make it special for the kids)

I wouldnt want to be around someone who took pleasure in belittling me in front of my kids nor trying to spoil something for my kids.

Your kids = your decidsion when you have 'that conversastion about Santa'

My kids were older than 9 before they stopped believing and even now they dont there will still be a stocking from Santa and some presents. It wouldnt be Xmas without them

You have said that whenever you disagree he starts a shouting match, not great for you or the kids, shows disrespect of you and your views, he is apparently entitled to an opinion but not you. Not something you need in your life or your kids. Its not normal and they shouldnt come to think of it as normal.

Good luck Tilly. You're not a spineless arse.

Tilly....You talk about one incident on your post..No one else knows much else about this relationship..When you end it is your decisions not MN..So do what you want when you want.

I would ask though if you feel you are walking on eggshells are you sure your children aren't..

I would also suggest Christmas is a good time for distractions...However do it at the right time for you and your family.

Twat twatity twat twat twat. And a gobshite. Please get rid

How dare he decide what they should and shouldn't believe. Leave him

Twat McTwatface. I would be bloody livid.

I'm sorry it's take him a couple of years to show his true colours but this would be end of the line for me.

I'd be a bit nervous about what he was going to say Christmas day to be honest, and Christmas eve when the kids will be excited. I initially thought maybe best to wait until January. Now I'm not so sure, given that he could really ruin the day and upset your kids. He might go behind your back and tell your DS even. Who knows what he's capable of. He seems determined to win the argument. How far would he go for that?

I notice Willow has the same concerns. Didn't read the latest posts before my last one. You could get rid and just tell the kids after Xmas, saying his work is busy or something in the meantime.

I dont like the word but have to be a sheep here - he is a twat, your poor dc, is he projecting from own childhood, is he jealous, its a major transgression in so many ways, over your choices, your parenting. your dc. also shows major kill joy streak, I cant understand anyone who would want to do this why? what is his motivation?

Twat

The dcs are with their dad for Xmas this year 😔 It'll be my first year without them and the thought of being totally alone isn't appealing if I'm honest 😬

He's not remotely apologetic and still thinks I've blown things out of proportion but he has agreed not to say anything more in front of the dcs if it's mentioned.

He's going to ruin your Christmas. Get rid of him and go to a hotel, or family, or help in a soup kitchen, or whatever you like for Christmas.

Personally I'd sit in front of the tele with a bottle or baileys all day .

Good luck Tilly right decision re Christmas but don't get sentimental won't be easy to go it alone again but. maybe someone more suitable will be sharing next Christmas with you.

That would be nice Thanks again all.