AIBU to expect 'D'P to back me up on the Santa thing..?

[Tillyscoutsmum]

Had the shittest week in a very shit year so may be over reacting (and happy to be told if that's the case but please be gentle 😢)

So DD is 9 (and a fairly "young" 9) She came home a couple years of weeks ago and said that one of her friends at school has told her Santa didn't exist. She asked me whether he did and I could tell that she still wanted to believe but was just looking for me to confirm that he did. I don't necessarily agree with outright lying and I know some parents don't agree with the whole Santa charade at all, but personally, I feel it adds a bit of "magic" to Christmas and would like to keep it up for as long as is reasonably possible. With that in mind, I just asked her how she thought the presents got there and who she thought ate the mince pie etc. and she seemed reassured that her friend must be wrong. I did tell her that some people chose to believe and others didn't and that it was up to her. This conversation also took place in front of 6 year old DS, so whilst I acknowledge that 9 is a reasonable age to start getting doubts, I really wanted to avoid planting any seeds of doubt in DS' mind.

DP was there during the convo. For clarity, he is not their dad and is a relatively new relationship (about 2 and half years but only involved with DCs for a year or so). During the convo and in front of both dcs, he starts shaking his head and saying "You should tell them the truth". I tried to shush him but DD asked him whether he 'believed' and he said he didn't because he was an adult. DD kept then asking me, getting quite upset and begging me to tell her the truth so I came clean at bedtime (just me and her) and we had a little cry about how she was growing up and a tiny bit of the magic would be gone for her and she must promise to go along with it all in front of DS until he's a bit older and starts having doubts his self. I was pissed off with DP but didn't really say anything.

So yesterday we were at a Xmas light switch on complete with the big, red fella. DS is excited and DD is playing along. DP then starts making comments again implying that he's not real. I asked him very calmly to please not express his cynicism in front of DS. He then proceeds to shout at me, telling me DS is a bright lad and will work it out for himself soon enough. It got quite heated and I've been offish with him today (hoping for an apology tbh). It's just blown up again and he's accused me of being a "psycho" about Christmas and said I'm making a big deal out of nothing. He reckons I put too much emphasis on Christmas and making it special and says I'm doing it to get one over on ex h 😵 (Blatantly not true btw. I've always loved Christmas).

Sorry. That was really long (and dull)

So AIBU? Or is he a twat??

[Millionsmom]

Wow, he's a twunt- I've got to be different

He's now on the naughty list and Santa won't be giving him a thing this year. Thus proving to your DS just how real Santa is.

[annielouise]

If he truly believed the best thing is for kids not to be lied to about father christmas and he had your children's best interests at heart he would have spoken to you quietly and in private about it - not made a scene about it THREE times, twice that we know of in front of the kids. For this reason alone I think he's got bullying tendencies, can't control himself and he's better out of your kids' lives. Your poor DD. He will over-ride all your decisions as a parent. You've had a red flag. Pay heed to it.

[ShowMePotatoSalad]

Another worrying aspect is him shouting at you (and in front of the kids as well). Do you want to be with someone who shouts at you, calls you a psycho, deliberately spoils things for your children, accuses you of ridiculous things?

[Tillyscoutsmum]

Rainyday - I agree 1st December is usually the earliest I embark on any Christmas shenanigans but it was the 'big' switch on in our village last night (I.e a little tree, about 3 rows of lights and the rotary club Santa 😂) All their friends from school were there and it was more of a social thing tbh.

Thanks to everyone else. I've been doubting it has a future for a little while tbf, but the dcs do really like him and I suppose I like having some company too 😔 But yeah, he's definitely a twat.

Regentspark - Agreed. I definitely have my twatty moments and our expectations are very different. I'm happy for him to be as bah humbug as he likes but I don't want him to inflict it on us!!

[Cagliostro]

Oh ugh. What a knob. That's so nasty :(

For DD, I'd tell her something that I read on here a few years ago and it really stuck with me. Went something like this:

There are two types of people at Christmas, the Magic Believers and the Magic Makers.

Children start off being Believers. But when they're old enough, they 'graduate' to being Magic Makers - and that's a really important grown up job! If they have a younger sibling they get to help create the magic for them. They can nibble the mince pie, fill the stocking, they can pretend to hear sleigh bells outside and see the sleigh far overhead.

It's really helped my DD (also a young 9) - I think this is going to be the last Santa year for her, she's hanging on by a thread (not helped by the fact she found 'From Santa' gift tags in a shop the other day...). But in the last year she's twigged about the tooth fairy and the Easter bunny, and being a Magic Maker has been great for her. She is now in charge of swapping her little brother's tooth for a coin (and obviously she still gets a coin for her own teeth, have to maintain the illusion after all :o) and she's going to help write the clues for the egg hunt next Easter.

I hope that helps turn this whole thing into a more positive experience for your DD.

Doesn't change the fact that your DP is a dick though.

[Thattimeofyearagain]

Twat and gobshite.

[Gizlotsmum]

Well obviously if he doesn't believe he will be getting nothing for Christmas!

[TheWeeBabySeamus1]

What sort of twat purposefully tries to ruin Father Christmas for kids - especially when you're at a display having a nice time? He needs to know 2 things. 1) They're your children not his, he doesn't get to decide if they're too old to believe and 2) If he has any comments to make on how you deal with things then he's to wait until you're alone - not start running his mouth where your kids can hear. Not cool at all.

I love Christmas, and I love how much children enjoy it, makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. Don't let him suck the joy out of it for you.

[Tillyscoutsmum]

Love the Magic Maker 😊

[DotForShort]

He's an idiot. FTR, we have never done the "Santa is real" bit but that is our choice. Your partner should absolutely respect your wishes and Xmas traditions. As for shouting and calling you "psycho," that is really unacceptable.

[StarryIllusion]

I think he has a point but shouldn't have argued it in front of you. She will get picked on if she still believes at her age and all her friends know. She will be the butt of every joke.

[WaggyMama]

Fucking hell I've never come onto a thread (in any namechange) to say your DP is a twat.

How dare he spoil the magic for a child. He has no respect for you or your children.

Well done for trying your best, especially with your DD. Sadly by that age friends start to cotton on (or are told by older siblings) and suspicions start.

LTB!

[StarryIllusion]

In front of her! Ffs!

[MistressMerryWeather]

He's such a twat that it made me say twat out loud.

Fucking twat.

It sounds like he's doing this to wind you up.

[ThoraGruntwhistle]

My 9yo has only just stopped believing and was quite down and gloomy about it, but I have explained it the same way : when you're little you believe in the magic and when you get older you help keep the magic for others. It does seem to cheer them up.

[Tillyscoutsmum]

Just to clarify, the big argument (complete with me being a psycho!) was today whilst dcs are with their dad. But he did get quite shouty yesterday in front of them. He is unable to have a calm discussion about anything. If I disagree or comment negatively on anything them he reacts quite aggressively (not physically - just shouting and finger pointing).

[annielouise]

The more you tell us the clearer it is he shouldn't be around them. It's bad enough having a biological dad that's shouty but some bloke your mum's going out with? Why inflict that on them? You're the gate keeper to their lives and shouldn't be introducing anyone to them that is like this. I don't care if they like him or not. They deserve better than him.

[PrinceMortificado]

I'd have told your dd the truth since she asked. And then dumped the man.

[MillieMoodle]

He's a twat.

It's got fuck all to do with him how you choose to parent your own children and how you want to discuss Santa with them. To keep saying stuff in front of them when he knows you're not happy with it shows that not only is he disrespectful of your wishes, he clearly doesn't really care about your children's feelings either.

[Lelloteddy]

Why are you with this twat?

[RainyDayBear]

I also agree, he's a twat. Was going to say that you should have a serious talk - but actually on your last post I reckon LTB. You don't need that sort of behaviour in your life!

[Halloweensnake]

How awful...for all of you x what a nasty man

[MillieMoodle]

I agree with Rainy. In light of your last post, I'd say LTB. I've never said that on here before but he sounds like a massive twat. You don't need that shit in your life and your children definitely don't.

[Halloweensnake]

However look on the bright side....he's not their dad,thank fuck for that x

[MarriedinMaui]

Twat

Why does he think he gets to dictate to you how you manage your kids? You sound like you are doing a great job without his bullying advice. And that telling you what you think and why you are doing stuff (the bit about "you're only doing it to wind up ex") urgh!

Is that behaviour usual for him?