to think this is an inappropriately harsh punishment?

[whoseafraidofnaomiwolf]

I'm not sure whether I'm being a bit PLB about this situation (I suspect I might be) so am coming to the wider community of wise women for advice.

Background: PLB DS3(13) is generally a good child, well mannered, bright, funny, kind, and conscientious with his school work. He's popular with the other kids and teachers alike. Not a stealth boast (though I know it sounds that way) he's just one of those children. Yesterday at school he and his friends were mucking about at lunch time - one friend was pinching crisps and then the others would 'chase' him to get them back - all very good natured (I'm told) and within the realm of normal boyish horseplay. In this theme, one friend went to 'run away' and DS grabbed at him to stop him. He grabbed the strap of his backpack. Friend was halted in his tracks, staggered back then fell back and hit the back of head on a wooden bench causing a cut and a nasty bump. DS was horrified, apologised immediately and took friend to school first aid where he was cared for and his parents were called to take him home. DS was asked to write a report on his part in the incident.

Later yesterday afternoon my DH got a phonemail from school and I received an email to say that there had been an incident and that the school was giving DS a 'gross misconduct' for assault of another pupil. This is the most severe form of punishment the school gives before exclusion, it will stay on his school record until he leaves, and involves spending a day in isolation.

We have spoken to DS about this incident in stern terms. We've discussed actions and consequences and DS has messaged his friend to apologise and ensure that he is well (friend went home after incident). Friend is well and messaged back that he hoped DS hadn't got into trouble as it wasn't his fault. I've messaged friends Mum to acknowledge incident and express apologies & assurances that DS has been spoken to.

DS has never been in any sort of trouble before, not even a detention. I've warned him that he may just have to suck-up the punishment, but inside I am cross at how the school has handled this and escalated boisterous behaviour into something verging on criminal. AIBU to think that this is too extreme, and that it would be more appropriate for the school to be issuing him a warning - which the school behaviour policy says should come in the form of a 'yellow card' or 'red card'?

DS's isolation is due to happen on Monday, AIABU to go with him to school early on Monday with the aim of discussing this with year head to try and get punishment downgraded before he does 'time' for it? If IANBU then how would you approach defending your DC in this situation?

The fact that this has happened on a Friday and they propose punishment on the following Monday doesn't help as there's no-one available over the weekend to speak to.

I've not rtwt, but b check this out with best friend, who is head of year at a comp. He said several things, most schools have a no play fighting rule, to stop injuries, and because they early develop into real fights.
Also pretty much all teachers check their emails over the weekend, especially those with pastoral care roles,so worth registering your dissatisfaction with the " assault" label that this behaviour has been given, and you are c likely to get ac response by Sunday b night.

How do you know the friend's dd doesn't deserve the accusations and punishments?

Taking someone's crisps and running away sounds a crap thing to 'play'. Your son was being rough and someone got really hurt. He needs to learn to be more gentle in play. There are many people who've died from head injuries. Better to learn the consequences now rather than as an adult.
You did the right thing and he did the right thing to apologise. I'm sure he will have learnt from this. But I agree with the school.

I agree with you, OP. That wasn't gross misconduct.

Because I know what was said by teacher and what she said back. I attended a meeting as a friend with her mum and was amazed at the things they even decided to notice - they would have had to be looking.
Also things like being told to clean off her eyebrows as the teacher decided they must have been drawn on tonne as perfect as they were silly teacher wrote in book that she gave a dt for wearing drawn in eyebrows so broke make up rules before she asked the DD to rub them off - which she obviously couldn't! Teacher refused to back track on punishment though - as what does that teach a student

Op is your ds school an academy?

I too think yabu.

13 is well old enough to know better, the other child was hurt badly enough to need first aid and sending home, friends rarely speak against each other unless something extreme happens, the school has to be clear and not play favourites so your sons prior conduct is in that way irrelevant, one day of a relatively mild punishment is not going to hurt him.

The fact the head is setting out their stall on this kind of behaviour suggests to me there has been problems at this school with this kind of behaviour which also suggests children and parents may be used to certain behaviour being seen as acceptable when it isn't.

I hung out in a large mixed gender crowd through school and those boys wouldn't have behaved like this on school grounds because they knew they'd have got into trouble for it. (Ditto girls).

I also have several friends that are teachers and I'd guess their response would be that this type of behaviour needs controlled as otherwise things escalate (not just within the group concerned but school wide).

You only have one boy to protect/advocate for they've a whole school of them potentially hundreds.

How is a school supposed to crack down on boys behaving like total dicks to each other even when they are friends (and this is a big problem IME) if they aren't allowed to hand out a suitably harsh punishment when it inevitably ends in another student being injured?

As for 'gross misconduct', is this not just a behaviour management system code meaning 'an event which warranted an isolation' (probably recorded as a 'serious misconduct' in my school - this is an incident which falls outside of the normal behaviour management system of break and after school detentions). As for it remaining on his school record, nowadays we have electronic systems where everything remains on record, every house point, every behaviour point, every detention. There is no system for recording a punishment then removing it from the database for good behaviour, that's not how it works.

That is scary!!!

I once accidentally hurt another girl at school, I trapped her fingers in a door and because I couldn't work out why it was during, I kept pushing- with my full weight on the door. Like your ds, I was utterly horrified and took her straight to the medical room- just as upset as she was. I can't imagine this being classed as assault!!!

Accidentally trapping someone's fingers in a door is very different to deliberately grabbing someone and pulling them over.

Sorry I've only read the first and last pages but wanted to say something very similar happened to me when I was at school.

I was waiting in the lunch queue and my friend came running over, I didn't see her and when she barrelled into me (good naturedly..) I fell over and hit my head on the floor.

Massive massive drama ensued. We were all taken away and interviewed for hours to ascertain what happened and to ensure it wasn't assault. About five people were taken out of classes for three hours to find out exactly what what happened. Even though from the get go I was stressing it was nothing more than a daft accident. But I suppose they were making sure I wasn't being bullied and was covering for it. It took a teacher standing up for her before it was all dropped. They were talking of a similar warning to the one your son received before it was all settled...

Another teacher in a pastoral role here chiming in that the 'record' thing means nothing really as long as it's a one off. I write references for a huge number of students & would never mention something like this if it was an isolated incident. The only time it might come up is with an in-year transfer to another school when I'd put it clearly into context. We know 13 year olds can be silly & make poor choices but we also need to manage the many hundreds of students & ensure that they're safe. Actions have consequences and this will make him & his friends think twice about messing around in the future.

The school won't thank you for just turning up on Monday morning & it is likely that the person you want to see won't be able to see you as they'll be teaching/assembly/dealing with the others in their care. Make an appointment and have a proper chat if you need to but please don't make this into a bigger deal than it is.

youarenotkiddingme School is not an academy - it's actually a good school, and I haven't been aware of it having any behaviour problems through the 9 years if having children attend there.

honkinghaddock It's relevant because people upthread were asking what their take/view of the incident was.

noblegirraffe I'm not a behaviourist, just a Mum, so wouldn't presume to advise on how a school goes about creating a behaviour policy as it's not my area of expertise, however I would hope that any policy worth its salt would be flexible enough to be able to differentiate between accidental hurt without malice of intention (such as accidentally shutting someone's fingers in a door, or accidentally pulling a friend over during a game) and an intentional assault.

Any policy worth its salt needs to be clear, concise and not subject to adjustment following complaints from parents that THEIR child 'isn't like that' it needs to be applied equally.

The punishment is ludicrously over the top and ill-judged. I would contact the Head to query their interpretation and their response to it, given it was not deliberate and certainly not an assault of any kind. One wonders if common sense comes into it at all.

YANBU. The response of the school is heavy-handed and over the top, IMO. "Gross misconduct for assault"? From the description in the OP, I would say that label does not at all apply here. Of course, it matters not a jot that the OP's son is generally well-behaved. But it matters a great deal that the school take into account the actual facts of the incident. I would certainly speak to the relevant individuals at the school first thing on Monday morning.

How was it not an assault? Your DS grabbed someone's backpack as they were running past hard enough for them to fall over. If he'd stuck his leg out and tripped the boy up would you still be arguing against it?

It wasn't an accident, it was your DS behaving like a dick. The consequences were unintended but his action which led to them was deliberate and negative.

The other boy hit his head. Your son caused him to hit his head.

People die from hitting their heads.

Lesson learned.

And give over with the horseplay comments. Call it what it is, boys being violent with each other because it's "funny". Until something like this happens.

Boys being physically rough with their friends = horseplay
Boys being verbally abusive to their friends = banter

I've seen both end in tears. It's a toxic culture that needs to be firmly challenged.

Ignoring the fact that they are calling it a gross misconduct which makes it sound more serious, the punishment is one day of isolation, it's hardly a harsh punishment in fact at some schools it's the same punishment as would be given for missing a detention. Everything to do with behaviour stays on the record these days from being two mins late to class or not having the right equipment to bullying incidents, it's usually all logged on sims so not a big deal either. Tell him they shouldn't have been mucking around and to suck up the punishment like a big boy and be grateful his friend isn't more seriously hurt.

No one but your son honestly knows whether it was done with malice. I bet most children pleads accident and the person hurt will sometimes too.

But he went too far with his horseplay and accidental or not someone got hurt due to his carelessness. Its a good lesson for your 13 year old to learn now. Punishment is fair, it also fair its on his record because if he repeatedly hurts other children through horseplay or carelessness it should be addressed. If he doesn't hurt another child then there is no issue.

It's interesting to read that those PP who work in a school support the school's policy and it's those that only have to think of 1/2/3 children at a time don't

My ds 14 told me a few weeks ago that pulling people by the straps of their backpack was a current craze among the boys and at assembly they were all warned that anyone doing this would be harshly punished. Perhaps it is an on going problem at your school and school is clamping down. I had never heard of it until a few weeks ago.

Nice generalisation there cricket - I'm a parent of three boys and don't work in a school, I would totally support the school on this.

I think the only thing you should ask the school about is 'putting it on his record' but as we're not like American schools where a reference from school follows you through to university I think it's likely that all it means is literally it will be noted.

I really think you are doing your son a disservice by going in regardless of what the other parents say.