to think this is an inappropriately harsh punishment?

[whoseafraidofnaomiwolf]

I'm not sure whether I'm being a bit PLB about this situation (I suspect I might be) so am coming to the wider community of wise women for advice.

Background: PLB DS3(13) is generally a good child, well mannered, bright, funny, kind, and conscientious with his school work. He's popular with the other kids and teachers alike. Not a stealth boast (though I know it sounds that way) he's just one of those children. Yesterday at school he and his friends were mucking about at lunch time - one friend was pinching crisps and then the others would 'chase' him to get them back - all very good natured (I'm told) and within the realm of normal boyish horseplay. In this theme, one friend went to 'run away' and DS grabbed at him to stop him. He grabbed the strap of his backpack. Friend was halted in his tracks, staggered back then fell back and hit the back of head on a wooden bench causing a cut and a nasty bump. DS was horrified, apologised immediately and took friend to school first aid where he was cared for and his parents were called to take him home. DS was asked to write a report on his part in the incident.

Later yesterday afternoon my DH got a phonemail from school and I received an email to say that there had been an incident and that the school was giving DS a 'gross misconduct' for assault of another pupil. This is the most severe form of punishment the school gives before exclusion, it will stay on his school record until he leaves, and involves spending a day in isolation.

We have spoken to DS about this incident in stern terms. We've discussed actions and consequences and DS has messaged his friend to apologise and ensure that he is well (friend went home after incident). Friend is well and messaged back that he hoped DS hadn't got into trouble as it wasn't his fault. I've messaged friends Mum to acknowledge incident and express apologies & assurances that DS has been spoken to.

DS has never been in any sort of trouble before, not even a detention. I've warned him that he may just have to suck-up the punishment, but inside I am cross at how the school has handled this and escalated boisterous behaviour into something verging on criminal. AIBU to think that this is too extreme, and that it would be more appropriate for the school to be issuing him a warning - which the school behaviour policy says should come in the form of a 'yellow card' or 'red card'?

DS's isolation is due to happen on Monday, AIABU to go with him to school early on Monday with the aim of discussing this with year head to try and get punishment downgraded before he does 'time' for it? If IANBU then how would you approach defending your DC in this situation?

The fact that this has happened on a Friday and they propose punishment on the following Monday doesn't help as there's no-one available over the weekend to speak to.

I agree with autumnkate

You need to get them to clearly state the criteria for what is deemed an assault. Then you need to argue clearly that what happened doesn't fit with their criteria.

I'm very respectful of schools decisions in general but I wouldn't accept this.

I don't think a day in Isolation is overly harsh to be honest, given that the "horseplay" clearly went too far and in doing so caused an injury to another student.
I would not be happy with it being recorded as "assault" though and would challenge the school about that aspect of the decision.

I think this is over the top punishment for a bit of horseplay that got out of hand - and something that NONE of those boys will ever do again having seen the possible consequences!

Autumn likens it to intentionally pulling out a chair, but I disagree - it was not a deliberate act intended to hurt or embarrass or humiliate - it was the natural rough behaviour off teenage boys which had unintended consequences. I bet it happens in every school in the land on a daily basis without anything worse than an occasional torn shirt or scuffed knee. On this occasion the consequences were awful, but they were unintended and unforeseen.

The punishment meted out is one which I would have thought would be kept for deliberate acts of cruelty or bullying, not for silly behaviour gone wrong. He looked after his friend, took him for medical attention, there appears to be no hard feelings between the two, they will not be so stupid again - why be so harsh.

Had this (or something similar) happened on the rugby field in a hard tackle, there would have been nothing more said about it.

I think this isn't an accident as much as an unintended injury. As a PP said, accidents are avoidable; people know that when you grab someone's backpack they will stop abruptly and fall backwards, its common ''horseplay'' in schools.

If it wasn't on purpose and he behaved like you said then you have raised a lovely, honest child but it doesn't take away from the fact that he gave someone a head injury that could have been extremely serious. If you know this was a one off then you shouldn't be too worried about the strike he now has on his record because he won't be doing anything again to be kicked out of the school.

Yes - there does need to be punishment, but to describe this as an "assault" seems extreme to me.

is making the crisps being treated as "theft"?

*taking, not making

It is completely different to a rugby injury!

I can totally accept that he would not have meant for his friend to receive the injury he did, but he did mean to be rough in a way that is totally unacceptable in school.

And actually, it is sexist to suggest boys can't help this kind of behaviour. They can.

Thanks for your opinions, to answer some questions:

Yes, the friend has messaged DS to say he hopes DS didn't get into trouble as they both know that they were mucking about together. I know friend's parents by acquaintance, they may be willing to support my efforts to reduce DS's punishment, but I am aware that I have only heard DS's version of events. Maybe they know something different?

Autumnkate I don't think it was a trick (I'm inferring form that that you think DS may be bullying), I think there was a group that were playing around and it was a chance grab, however I take on board that your take on events might have some validity. For such a serious allegation would your school not want to investigate the full circumstances before issuing lasting judgement? I would certainly hope so.

DoItTooJulia: I hadn't thought of that, It could be the case, but if so I would hope that the school would investigate fully before pronouncing judgment. It feels that they've just issued a knee-jerk decision - Nataleejah might have hit the proverbial nail.

I'm gonna go in on Monday and see what I can discover further. I'm not one for going into school usually, but I do feel I should stand up for my DS to make sure he's being treated fairly and appropriately.

Also agree with autumnkate. Your son did something which could have had catastrophic consequences.

When one of my DS's was about that age he and some friends were throwing a filled water bottle around and someone got slightly hurt. DS (who didn't cause the injury) was on a week's internal exclusion (i.e. had to stay with his head of year at break and lunchtimes). So in that context I'd say your DS's punishment is not unreasonable or excessive. Sounds like he got a bit carried away.

I also think you'd be on a hiding to nothing getting the school to backtrack on this.

I haven't suggested bullying at all. However, it is a trick that kids play on each other just like moving chairs and 'peanutting' each other's ties.

I wouldn't say it was assault. Reckless behaviour resulting in injury is a more accurate description. I think it is reasonable to ask them not to describe it as assault.

Punishment doesn't seem harsh at all. Its not criminal record or expulsion. If he had smashed a window by 'some boyish horseplay' he'd still be liable for damages.

Actions= consequences. Your child caused injury to another child. An injury which could have been very serious. I am a secondary school teacher and his punishment seems fair to me. I think you are over reacting. He made a mistake and let him learn from it- like he would have to in the real world.

Your son sounds like a lovely boy and I understand you don't want him 'labelled' as a bully or violent child.

I can assure you that if his behaviour and demeanour is as you have stated, then no one at the school will think that. They will think he did something stupid and dangerous and has to be punished for it.

If I were you (and I'm a mum as well as a secondary teacher) I would back the school up and stop undermining them.

This seems much too harsh. 'Assault' is completely the wrong word to use in this situation, and it seems as if a policy has been applied because your DS's friend was hurt, without any consideration given to the circumstances.

It was an accident, a silly mistake, and he was obviously worried about his friend afterwards. Your DS has never been in trouble at school before so it isn't as if he does this sort of thing all the time and hasn't learned from it.

I agree that you should speak to the school about a more measured response - yes, there should be consequences, but their reaction seems completely disproportionate.

can assure you that if his behaviour and demeanour is as you have stated, then no one at the school will think that. They will think he did something stupid and dangerous and has to be punished for it

Exactly so. When my DS was punished for his involvement in the incident below, I spoke to his head of year at a school concert a bit later. He told me DS had been excellent company during his week long internal exclusion. It didn't do DS any harm - he was a model pupil - played cricket and rugby for school, was a prefect, got multiple awards for his contributions to school life and got excellent exam results. He's now at a good university. It really didn't do him any harm or damage his relationship with the school.

it was the natural rough behaviour off teenage boys Not of all teenage boys, no. And the teenage boys who do behave like this need to be taught not to.

I bet it happens in every school in the land on a daily basis Yes it does, along with lots of other 'horseplay' behaviours and all of these schools manage them constantly.

It'd be like Lord of the Flies otherwise!

Tbh, it doesn't really matter what you and the other boy's mum thinks. The school has a behaviour/rewards/sanctions policy that they need to stick to.

If your son is as you say he is the rest of the time, the school won't have changed their opinion of him.

Try to imagine yourself ad the mother of the victim in this scenario. Would you consider the school's response too heavy-handed in that regard? Probably not. In fact, had the school just brushed it aside as typical boyish horseplay, there would be cries of bullying and assault.

If I were you, OP, I'd support the school's decision and consider it a lesson well-learned by your DS. I would also your lucky stars to have a school that actually takes matters like these seriously. Many schools do not.

Actually if it was one of mine mucking about with his pals, I wouldn't shout bullying/assault. If it was a deliberate act by someone outwith their friendship group for no reason, I would.
Context is massively important here. OPs DS made a mistake, which he owned up to straight away and sought help for his friend. I think that is a life lesson in itself.

I think it's a really unfortunate incident but I can see the schools point of view. It a shame the punishment is quite so severe but I understand why there needs to be a proper punishment.

The problem with the boys all saying it was good natured and just an accident is that is what might well happen even if it was done on purpose. It's hard for the school to be seen to differentiate just because your son is usually a good lad.

I'd try and see if the punishment could be downgraded but if he has to go through with it then I would go along with it. I don't think it will effect your sons 'reputation'

Grabbing the rucksack was quite stupid and dangerous.

Is there an option you meet up with other boy's parent(s) for a full picture of what's happened? Explain that you have DS story, but would like to see if it is the same or different from their point of view, so that you know how to proceeed with DS? And with the same take an occasion to apologise in face? That would show boys parents you are taking the issue seriously and would be better than an apology via text.

The OP has already said she's spoken with the other parents about this and it's fine.

That side of things is of no concern to the school. They will be pleased you are supportive and that it isn't going to be escalated. But it won't have any bearing on how they implement their school policy.

So his punishment is one day in isolation?

Seems fair enough to me tbh.

When my son was in yr6 he and his friends arranged a WWF game in the feild at lunchtime. They picked teams and organised who was going to wrestle etc.

My son wasn't one of the wrestlers, but part of the crowd - about 10 children. Anyway, one of the teachers broke up the game and my son and two others were given internal exclusions for "inciting violence"

I must admit I laughed at their choice of wording, and was incredulous that my introverted, wouldn't say boo to a goose, never been in trouble son would even do such a thing (they were standing around clapping and cheering) but we sucked it up and got on with it and explained to my son why the teacher might have seen it that way and that she was trying to teach them how that sort of behaviour could be viewed if they were older.

My boys are teens now but i still remind them that "normal" boisterous behaviour can still have unexpected outcomes when they are getting silly.

It hasn't had a detrimental effect on his life, and he is still the lovely boy he was before and after the "incident" and it still remains the only thing he has ever been in trouble for at school. Let your son get on with it and then move on, school won't back down and no other institution would be the slightest bit interested in a one off mark against him!