to think this is an inappropriately harsh punishment?

[whoseafraidofnaomiwolf]

I'm not sure whether I'm being a bit PLB about this situation (I suspect I might be) so am coming to the wider community of wise women for advice.

Background: PLB DS3(13) is generally a good child, well mannered, bright, funny, kind, and conscientious with his school work. He's popular with the other kids and teachers alike. Not a stealth boast (though I know it sounds that way) he's just one of those children. Yesterday at school he and his friends were mucking about at lunch time - one friend was pinching crisps and then the others would 'chase' him to get them back - all very good natured (I'm told) and within the realm of normal boyish horseplay. In this theme, one friend went to 'run away' and DS grabbed at him to stop him. He grabbed the strap of his backpack. Friend was halted in his tracks, staggered back then fell back and hit the back of head on a wooden bench causing a cut and a nasty bump. DS was horrified, apologised immediately and took friend to school first aid where he was cared for and his parents were called to take him home. DS was asked to write a report on his part in the incident.

Later yesterday afternoon my DH got a phonemail from school and I received an email to say that there had been an incident and that the school was giving DS a 'gross misconduct' for assault of another pupil. This is the most severe form of punishment the school gives before exclusion, it will stay on his school record until he leaves, and involves spending a day in isolation.

We have spoken to DS about this incident in stern terms. We've discussed actions and consequences and DS has messaged his friend to apologise and ensure that he is well (friend went home after incident). Friend is well and messaged back that he hoped DS hadn't got into trouble as it wasn't his fault. I've messaged friends Mum to acknowledge incident and express apologies & assurances that DS has been spoken to.

DS has never been in any sort of trouble before, not even a detention. I've warned him that he may just have to suck-up the punishment, but inside I am cross at how the school has handled this and escalated boisterous behaviour into something verging on criminal. AIBU to think that this is too extreme, and that it would be more appropriate for the school to be issuing him a warning - which the school behaviour policy says should come in the form of a 'yellow card' or 'red card'?

DS's isolation is due to happen on Monday, AIABU to go with him to school early on Monday with the aim of discussing this with year head to try and get punishment downgraded before he does 'time' for it? If IANBU then how would you approach defending your DC in this situation?

The fact that this has happened on a Friday and they propose punishment on the following Monday doesn't help as there's no-one available over the weekend to speak to.

I would be less concerned about the day in isolation which seems a fairly standard punishment at secondary school to me but I would not be happy with the 'assault' charge staying on his permenant record. This implies that their was intent to hurt his friend. His actions afterwards clearly demonstrated that he was sorry and tried his best to rectify his actions. It was reckless and be probably does deserve to be punished in some way as someone got quite seriously hurt due to his behavipus but YANBU to think the school have been too heavy handed on this one.

Sounds like one of those "make an example" punishments.

Kids will be kids - clearly they were dicking around and it wasn't appropriate - but I'd say they need to deal with all the kids dicking around. anyoje could have been hurt - your Ds was the one causing it but it through an accident not assault.

Assault???

What sort of (mis)education is this school providing?

OP says she messaged parents, but she hasn't talked to them to know how they see the incident. Knowing that could potentially change how she sees the school's reaction to what happened. I would ensure I know full picture before going in the school on Monday to talk about the punishment. It would be unfortunate she walks in talking how it was a horseplay and accident and suddenly gets thrown by some facts she didn't know.

All the people saying that actions have consequences and op's ds should suck it up because his friend was injured and it could have been serious... really? Intent matters. Punishing someone as seriously for an accident as they would for intentional harm is neither reasonable nor logical. That is not what happens outside the school arena.

He grabbed the strap of his backpack. Friend was halted in his tracks, staggered back then fell back and hit the back of head on a wooden bench causing a cut and a nasty bump.

Hairyarse - does that not sound like an assault to you?

If they had thought your DS was behaving maliciously then he would have been excluded.
Yoru DS was being reckless and dangerous and at least intended to humiliate the child by making him fall backwards, that is why they will be describing it as an assault

I can see why you're upset but I would not fight this one. Whatever the circumstances due to a non malicious but daft act by your son another child could have been seriously hurt.

The lorry driver on his phone who kills a family, the one hit pub fight that kills a man. You can do massive harm without every meaning to and those people are still dealt with. By your logic if they were otherwise nice people who didn't mean any harm there should be no consequences.

If it was an intended assault, why would your child have taken him to first aid himself?! Absolutely barbaric punishment

It sounds heavy handed to me. People need to appreciate that 13 year olds are a bit silly sometimes...they don't think....an adult would know not to do that because they have impulse control generally.

13 year olds...not so much. I'm sure you have comforted DS that this is over the top and you know it was an accident....he'll need a bit of kindness I'm sure...he'll be nervous about going back after isolation.

It sounds like an accident due to sillyness to me...not at all malicious and therefore not an assault.

When I first read this I thought you were talking about primary school age messing about, but these are 13 year olds who should be much much more aware of their surroundings, actions and potential risks.

Regardless of how well mannered, bright, funny, kind, or conscientious with his school work he is, his carelessness, lack of awareness and disregard for his friends safety caused the "accident". Thankfully the head injury wasn't more serious and the punishment seems fair.

Yoru DS was being reckless and dangerous and at least intended to humiliate the child by making him fall backwards, that is why they will be describing it as an assault

Yep.

I would ask to see the report on the I destination of the event, and also the statement t that your DS wrote. He may well have exaggerated his role because he felt upset and sorry for hurting his friend, and made hi.self sound bad? Also, for there to be a permanent record of gross misconduct, it is very likely their policy says there must be a full investigation, and a written report of that (try to find out what the policy and process is, it may well be on their website), and it sounds as if this hasn't happened (if the other child hasn't been carefully interviewed, and it sounds as if he hasn't).
If it was an adult at work, all this would be required, plus the indvidual would have the right to have someone with them for support.
I'd be very polite, and make it clear that u support appropriate discipline, but that u want to understand what really happened since this will affect his record all thru school. Mention the DPA, and ask if they require a formal request on behalf of your son to see what has been written about him...I suspect this has all been done very hastily by a couple of staff, without any records, but there should be some, and if they're inaccurate, it will give u something to discuss.

That all sounded a bit litigious, I didn't mean to suggest that u demand they don't punish him (he did make a mistake), but to question the gross misconduct thing and whether there was really an intent to hurt the other child. Maybe ask for a meeting g to discuss the background, and whether they think he has done similar before?

I work at an all girls school and we've had a similar incident recently which also resulted in a day's isolation.

I don't know how it was recorded on the 'perpetrators' file, but I do know that with anything like this the children involved will have had to provide written statements of what happened and they will also be kept on file, so in the highly unlikely event anyone wanted to investigate it further in future the 'back story' would be there as well.

It's all very well labelling it 'horseplay' but at 13 they really should be knowing when to reign it in a bit, and frankly this is a monumental pita for school staff to deal with on top of everything else they have to do.

I will agree with you though that putting a measure like that in place for Monday so there's little notice and no time for discussion is not ideal (although they do have to do these things fairly immediately), and in your shoes I would want to find out a bit more about how it would be recorded on his file.

The boys were all playing the same game and all could equally have suffered the same injury or similar injuries.

Did DS have his backpack on too?
It could just as easily have been the OP's DS who ended up with a head injury.

All the boys involved should therefore suffer some sort of consequence.

However, why are all or some of the boys carrying their backpacks around at lunchtime?
This seems crazy to me.
Are there no lockers?
Does the school not see the potential for injury arising from students possibly running around with backpacks on backs? Same goes for damage to or theft of property?

mathanxiety My son's school doesn't have lockers so it means that everything has to be carried round all day!

Mathanxiety - the other boys were chasing each other. It was the op's DS who behaved recklessly and caused a potentially serious injury.

Seems a bit harsh to call it assault tbh, but I expect they are assuming at 13, they should know the consequences of actions and in theory they should, a bumped head being one. But, I Don't see it as malicious or intention to hurt just not thought through properly and doing before thinking.
Good job they dont overeact this much in primary, every week someones DS comes home with a bump slip from some pushing/shoving gone on.

Car crashes can be very serious but we don't penalise someone pranging your fender in traffic in the same way as a head on collision. Head injuries can be very serious - but this one wasn't.

Legally an assault can be reckless or intentional. This seems to be a reckless assault in that basically he did an action without thinking about the consequences and as a result someone got hurt. So, sorry to be pedantic but it is entirely the correct word.
As for the punishment, it does seem harsh but is understandable why they would react in this way when someone has received an injury. I would have a chat with them about exactly how it will be recorded on his record etc but the isolation I think he'll just have to suck up.

How does a school get to put the word 'assault' in a childs record without involving the police? The whole thing sounds like a playground accident. Thats definitely not assault.