to think this is an inappropriately harsh punishment?

[whoseafraidofnaomiwolf]

I'm not sure whether I'm being a bit PLB about this situation (I suspect I might be) so am coming to the wider community of wise women for advice.

Background: PLB DS3(13) is generally a good child, well mannered, bright, funny, kind, and conscientious with his school work. He's popular with the other kids and teachers alike. Not a stealth boast (though I know it sounds that way) he's just one of those children. Yesterday at school he and his friends were mucking about at lunch time - one friend was pinching crisps and then the others would 'chase' him to get them back - all very good natured (I'm told) and within the realm of normal boyish horseplay. In this theme, one friend went to 'run away' and DS grabbed at him to stop him. He grabbed the strap of his backpack. Friend was halted in his tracks, staggered back then fell back and hit the back of head on a wooden bench causing a cut and a nasty bump. DS was horrified, apologised immediately and took friend to school first aid where he was cared for and his parents were called to take him home. DS was asked to write a report on his part in the incident.

Later yesterday afternoon my DH got a phonemail from school and I received an email to say that there had been an incident and that the school was giving DS a 'gross misconduct' for assault of another pupil. This is the most severe form of punishment the school gives before exclusion, it will stay on his school record until he leaves, and involves spending a day in isolation.

We have spoken to DS about this incident in stern terms. We've discussed actions and consequences and DS has messaged his friend to apologise and ensure that he is well (friend went home after incident). Friend is well and messaged back that he hoped DS hadn't got into trouble as it wasn't his fault. I've messaged friends Mum to acknowledge incident and express apologies & assurances that DS has been spoken to.

DS has never been in any sort of trouble before, not even a detention. I've warned him that he may just have to suck-up the punishment, but inside I am cross at how the school has handled this and escalated boisterous behaviour into something verging on criminal. AIBU to think that this is too extreme, and that it would be more appropriate for the school to be issuing him a warning - which the school behaviour policy says should come in the form of a 'yellow card' or 'red card'?

DS's isolation is due to happen on Monday, AIABU to go with him to school early on Monday with the aim of discussing this with year head to try and get punishment downgraded before he does 'time' for it? If IANBU then how would you approach defending your DC in this situation?

The fact that this has happened on a Friday and they propose punishment on the following Monday doesn't help as there's no-one available over the weekend to speak to.

Sorry but I think YABU. Horseplay or not, if your actions lead to someone getting hurt like that then the punishment needs to be harsh. It's a very important lesson for him to learn and I'm sure he won't be doing it again in a hurry.

Not meaning to do something is not an adequate excuse nor does it condone the situation. Lots of things happen by accident that are serious, and if you could have changed your behaviour in some way to avoid it then that is the lesson that needs to be learned.

Sorry, OP.

Yanbu. If your son is punished they all should be because they were all playing the same game. You son was mortified; that was punishment enough. As for being on his record? No way. Someone's being too heavy handed here.

I think calling it 'assault' is a bit ott but I think the punishment is fair. The other boys injury could have serious consequences.

I'm not sure what you actually want though, because all going into school is going to achieve is making it look like you think your son shouldn't be punished, which regardless of this being an accident, he should be. Do you not trust the school to be able to deal with things post this incident (considering he's never been in trouble before) just because he's had a days exclusion and has a note about it on his record?

It's ONE day in isolation. If that's a big deal to your DS, then it will have the desired effect, one would hope, of making him think about horseplay. He may also learn the lesson that life isn't always what we perceive to be fair.

He needs to suck it up and you should support the school. Don't turn yourself into "that" parent by insisting on a meeting over this.

Very OTT on the schools behalf that is. But do we sometimes and society in general l make them behave in that rather everything by the book way?.

Makes me wonder why anyone goes into teaching these days;(

I'd be curious to read how some of the posters on here would have responded if it had been the other parent who posted...

What actually happens if this stays on his record? Stupid question I know.

What consequences could it have for him? It isn't something colleges etc read is it?

The punishment is fine. It being classed as assault seems a bit OTT to me. I would go in and have a word with the head to see why exactly they classed the incident as an assault. I am not seeing the gross misconduct and I would try to fight that calmly., unless other evidence comes to light.

My son was involved in a similar incident a good few years back. He had a detention and a talking to but that was it.

Absolutely barbaric punishment

Really??? What, like torture, kneecapping, flogging, sleep deprivation.....?

What did your DS think would happen when he pulled on the backpack of a boy running away. You say he is bright and presumably he does science at school,, so what did he actually think happens when you yank the top of an object backwards, whilst the bottom of the object ie feet are stationary on the floor or moving in the opposite direction? There is only one possible outcome!
Honestly, it looks as though your DS had a lucky escape this could have (and maybe has) caused a brain injury

Be honest with yourself. What would you have thought if your ds was he injured party? What if this happens again and the injured person has a serious injury? Will it still be just horseplay? You dont like ut because its your lovely ds who never gets into trouble. Recognise this and let your ds learn the lesson that pissing about can have serious unintended consequences.

I don't think it's inappropriately harsh at all. The other DC was injured and although he feels he is fine, he might not be. The impact of a head injury can worsen.
Your DS' actions were not just foolish but dangerous and hopefully a day in isolation and a note on his record will mean he realises how serious this is. Of course, he won't appreciate the seriousness of it, if you're determined to go to the school to get them to 'downplay' it.
The outcome over-rides your DS' intent.

I don't think you should try and get the punishment downgraded. Maybe contact them and ask what the consequences will be of him having it on his record/what it will affect. It may well affect nothing given it was a first offence and not done maliciously.

The record thing won't affect anything.

It'll have been recorded and it would become of interest to them if it represented the start of a pattern of behaviour but, in reality, it means nothing.

Internal isolation for one day and the reason for it will be of no interest to anyone ever as a one off.

If they give internal isolation for an accidental injury to a friend, what punishment do they give to someone who punches someone, steals or swears at a teacher? I don't think they're applying their behaviour policy correctly.

It's wrong - as in factually wrong, and inappropriately heavy-handed - to call it assault. IMO the punishment is OTT too.

If I were the other boy's parent and were satisfied that it was an accident/messing around I wouldn't be wanting your ds punished. He apologised and helped. I'd feel he'd been punished enough by the shock/fright.

Yes, head injuries can be very serious but fatal head injuries have arisen from circumstances even more innocuous than these. It's an awful luck-of-the-draw thing.

I'd accept the punishment if the school were adamant about going through with it but I would not be happy about this being recorded as 'assault', whether it meant anything in the long run or not.

Biscuit - at our school it would be, and has been, a permanent exclusion for punching someone.

Hi, sorry - was off doing Saturday morning stuff with the boys. So Thankyou everyone for all your input. You've all given me plenty of pause for thought. I'm inclined to agree that he should suck up the punishment and have said as much to him, he was - as another poster put it - dicking about, and someone got hurt: Actions and consequences etc.etc. A day in isolation, won't kill him and I don't feel that in itself it's an inappropriate punishment.

However, I am going to go into school with him on Monday morning as I think they are being very heavy handed by placing a 'Gross Misconduct for assault' charge on his school file. I've now spoken with the friends parents by text and they are supportive of my efforts to get an appropriate level of punishment for DS, and have said they are happy to back me as it could easily have been the other way around i.e. my son getting hurt and their son being punished.

On the whole I back the school every time, but in this instance I don't feel they're being just, and as his Mum I'm going to go and put his case. It may get me no-where, but at least he'll see that I will fight for him if he's being unjustly treated.

Incidentally, DH was at football with DS this morning and chatted to some of the other parents. Apparently this is a new punishment policy, recently introduced by the deputy head. It's unpopular and already causing waves, there is a group of parents that have combined to complain to the EA and Ofsted about it. One child had been in isolation for at least one day every week since the start of term, and another was placed there for a football tackle during PE. This doesn't bode well for me getting anywhere (if a group of parents are having to go higher, what hope for just me?) but clearly it's a wider school issue, rather than it just being my DS.

Incidentally lola111 and shoopyshoopydoopdoop just to reassure you and be clear, there was never any intention to 'humiliate' his friend. They were just playing - too recklessly, yes - but just a good natured game. Don't get me wrong, I'm not diminishing, or excusing what happened, he was an idiot, but he didn't and wouldn't try to humiliate a friend (or anyone I hope).

He might not have intended to humiliate. It doesn't mean the other boy didn't find it humiliating. Particularly when he fell and also sustained an injury...

You child is the one being punished, yes, but this isn't actually all about him.

There must be some behavioural problems in the school if the school have introduced a more punitive behaviour policy. The rules have to apply to everyone. Not just the kids no one likes.

Just clarifying as you both said that DS was intending to humiliate his friend - he wan't.

For me, as his Mum, it's mostly about him (though of course I appreciate the wider social context of his actions and the punishment given).

Horseplay or not, it was too rough! The friend could have potentially sustained serious injury and the school have a duty of care. We only have DS's version that it was horse play also.

I don't think his friend/friends parents not minding is relevant.

Actions have consequences, your son will learn the hard way that "mucking about" can lead to unforeseen outcomes and that these outcomes sometimes have to be paid for.

There may have been not intent, but the outcome was an injury. In law, the outcome is separate to the intent, but both are taken into consideration when applying a sentence.

Is the punishment draconian? If everything is as you have described, it seems a little harsh, yes. But I wouldn't worry about it, it's not as if it's going to affect him getting a job or anything.

My daughter had to have a whole week of lunch time detentions because she accidently hurt a child and a mark was left (I was told it was an accident by the teacher who saw the incident). Second day out of her week of detention a child purposely grabbed my daughters arm and left deep scratches (it bled at the time and took nearly 2 weeks to go), this was done on purpose. No punishment was given to that child. That was the final nail in the coffin and I took my child out of the school.

I think YABU.

The problem with the current culture in secondary schools (seemingly all over) is they are coming in hard for minor idiot offences and it's leaving them no where to go for serious and deliberate acts of danger and defiance.

I've seen my friends DD who was also the model pupil become completely disaffected by education because every little thing is responded to with detention, so anything actually bad is responded to harder. She feels like she can't do anything right now because they've labelled her and hand out punishments and accusations which she doesn't deserve.
I'm strict and even I think they are OTT!

I've also seen it happen vice versa. Constant internal isolation without dealing with the issue, then external exclusion on fixed term. Then when the child in question actually did something horrific and criminal they only handed out a 2 day fixed term exclusion again - it should have been permanent but schools have to prove they've done everything to prevent it - they hadn't. So the punishment for carrying and drawing a weapon was the same as for swearing at a teacher. It makes no sense.

So in this case what do they do when your ds actually does do something deliberate? No teen is perfect and it's entirely possible it'll happen. Where do they go as they are already on the top of the internal exclusion punishment rung.

Punishment should fit the crime. I'd be banning all the boys involved from the canteen and inside the building - that's what my school use to do when we were caught being idiots inside - 1 week of sitting in a bench freezing your arse off why trying to eat lunch soon teaches you!