to think this is an inappropriately harsh punishment?

[whoseafraidofnaomiwolf]

I'm not sure whether I'm being a bit PLB about this situation (I suspect I might be) so am coming to the wider community of wise women for advice.

Background: PLB DS3(13) is generally a good child, well mannered, bright, funny, kind, and conscientious with his school work. He's popular with the other kids and teachers alike. Not a stealth boast (though I know it sounds that way) he's just one of those children. Yesterday at school he and his friends were mucking about at lunch time - one friend was pinching crisps and then the others would 'chase' him to get them back - all very good natured (I'm told) and within the realm of normal boyish horseplay. In this theme, one friend went to 'run away' and DS grabbed at him to stop him. He grabbed the strap of his backpack. Friend was halted in his tracks, staggered back then fell back and hit the back of head on a wooden bench causing a cut and a nasty bump. DS was horrified, apologised immediately and took friend to school first aid where he was cared for and his parents were called to take him home. DS was asked to write a report on his part in the incident.

Later yesterday afternoon my DH got a phonemail from school and I received an email to say that there had been an incident and that the school was giving DS a 'gross misconduct' for assault of another pupil. This is the most severe form of punishment the school gives before exclusion, it will stay on his school record until he leaves, and involves spending a day in isolation.

We have spoken to DS about this incident in stern terms. We've discussed actions and consequences and DS has messaged his friend to apologise and ensure that he is well (friend went home after incident). Friend is well and messaged back that he hoped DS hadn't got into trouble as it wasn't his fault. I've messaged friends Mum to acknowledge incident and express apologies & assurances that DS has been spoken to.

DS has never been in any sort of trouble before, not even a detention. I've warned him that he may just have to suck-up the punishment, but inside I am cross at how the school has handled this and escalated boisterous behaviour into something verging on criminal. AIBU to think that this is too extreme, and that it would be more appropriate for the school to be issuing him a warning - which the school behaviour policy says should come in the form of a 'yellow card' or 'red card'?

DS's isolation is due to happen on Monday, AIABU to go with him to school early on Monday with the aim of discussing this with year head to try and get punishment downgraded before he does 'time' for it? If IANBU then how would you approach defending your DC in this situation?

The fact that this has happened on a Friday and they propose punishment on the following Monday doesn't help as there's no-one available over the weekend to speak to.

Gosh Shoopyshoopy, I'm definitely glad that you don't teach my children. You sound like a pc nightmare! I don't like the way you keep coming back to poke more too, like a dog with a bone, after giving your opinion so strongly in the first place, I'm sure the OP is in no doubt of your feelings.

OP, I feel for you. If it happened as you say, I can imagine what happened. I would think that your son went to grab his friend in a split second move and the strap just happened to be the thing he ended up with. I'm aware of chair pulling, but the strap thing has never occurred to me to be a particular danger and I can see how your son probably didn't either. Boys (yes boys!) playing together like this is often boisterous and things can get out of hand. My own son had a minor head injury from a playground scuffle, but he assured me that it wasn't an intentional injury from his best friend and I was fine with that (also, I know the boy involved and he's the sweetest thing, so I didn't really expect anything else).

It would be a far more sensible move for the school to use the incident to explain to the pupils the danger of pulling rucksack straps like that.

Isolation for your son is unbelievably harsh, but I'd be far more concerned about the use of the word 'assault', which it doesn't appear to be at all - it's an outrageous label in the circumstances. All I can say if they refuse to change their description, is that school records mean little after they leave. After uni, my elder children never even have to refer to their A level results, let alone what's on their school records at 13.

If the story is correct, the school are hugely overreacting. I feel sorry for your son.

👍🏻 OP, sounds like you're doing a good job. Hope the meeting goes well.

Good luck for the meeting OP. I think you sound very measured & reasonable about the whole thing & I would accept the isolation too as it does require some form of punishment even though I completely agree that it wasn't intentional harm. I worked in law and assaults aren't as straight forward as people are suggesting.,

I hope you get it removed from his file but don't let it worry you too much as it won't affect his life and I bet he will be a whole lot more careful in future!! Might have prevented a more serious incident.

Haha love your response op! Agree there are some horrid people on here, but it's easy to hide behind a computer! Good luck with your meeting.

This is YOUR child. School does not have the power or authority to have the last day over YOUR child.
If you say no to isolation (wtf is that btw - employers would get taken to court over treating employees that way) then they don't have the right to do it to him.
It was an accident, it happens, speak to them! How insane!

Actually parents have no legal right to overrule schools regarding sanctions.

Isolation is fairly standard in schools. It's being removed from classes for a day to study in a separate room. It's not being chained up and chucked in a cell.

Acrossthepond an undiagnosed aneurysm? Blimey, a sneeze could've killed him, that's unfair.

amama of course I don't know the exact medical information, but apparently the aneurysm was one that had most likely been there for years undetected and could have stayed the same for years to come. It just took the right force in the right location at the right time. They found it in the autopsy.

Not remotely heavy handed, your son needs a very stern talking to, and needs to take n board that he should never do this again. He could have killed someone. He's got off lightly because of his previous good behaviour

Ask the school why this messing around went unchecked. The school has a duty of care, that's why they're being heavy-handed about this incident, they know that they're in the wrong.

Notquitewhatiexpected

Blame shifting at its finest.

"If assault means physically grabbing and pulling another child then all playground games of tag should be banned"
FGS Mathanxiety - we're talking about 13 year olds not infants!!! [Stonecircle]

They are 13 and still kids despite being in secondary school or they wouldn't have been chasing each other around trying to tackle each other for a bag of crisps; they still have lots of energy to burn off.

It is such a pity that they are not provided with a ball to kick around, somewhere to stash their heavy backpacks (which pose a scoliosis danger) and apparently must spend their lunchtimes in an unsupervised schoolyard with nothing to do but stand around getting cold.

Games of tag do indeed involve grabbing and pulling (and sometimes even pushing) and therefore according to your logic, they should be banned, because grabbing and pulling etc apparently constitute assault.

Notquitewhatiexpected - ah, good move. Parents can complain whenever their dc does something wrong that the school should have prevented it happening

You sound like a great mum and a very reasonable person OP .Good luck .

Why could they not bring a ball in and put their bags on the ground like many boys at the school I teach at do? (We also have lockers btw but many choose not to use them).

Posters either haven't read all the OPs posts or else are disregarding the fact that she is not disputing the punishment but the fact that he has had his file marked with the accusation of "assault" and it is this she wishes to have changed.
Strictly speaking in the legal sense, laying a hand on another person depending on the circumstances, can be regarded as an assault. However, causing injury to another player in a contact sport, provided it was within the rules of the game, is not an assault because the players have tacitly given consent. In the context of this "game" the OPs son acted recklessly, not thinking of the possible consequences of his actions. It seems fair that he is punished in the interests of discouraging this sort of behaviour but to brand the boy as an aggressive bully who has assaulted another is unwarranted and will have little or no affect on anyone but the boy himself.
OP, if the school will not rescind its decision, at least request that a statement is put on his file regarding your opinion that it is unfair.

Just coming on to say I've been pulled over by my backpack straps.

Horrible experience. Really sickening, falling generally is bad but falling back like that - really scary. It is an awful thing to do, whatever the circumstances.

My son was also injured as a result of an "accidental push" giving him a hospital operation under general anaesthetic, a visible scar and a week off school recovering. At 12/13 they are old enough to take care of their actions, they are big and strong enough to hurt and they are not primary school kids larking around on the rubberised playground any more.

I am struggling with the heavy handed discipline system at our school too, but one result is that detentions and isolations are so frequent that the kids, boys in particular, take them completely in their stride.

Noblegiraffe - Your school provides lockers, so students could stow a ball there and take it out at lunch. This school doesn't. If the DS brought a ball he would have to schlep it around school all day. And putting your bag on possibly wet ground isn't a great idea. Not all bags will resist moisture and you will find your books and papers get wet. Bags on the ground are a trip hazard, and they can get trampled over too, with resulting breakage of items like art supplies, etc.

YANBU and your replies have been great; measured and reasonable. Good luck tomorrow.

benedickte

I read the thread. Here's what she said

from the OP:

"DS's isolation is due to happen on Monday, AIABU to go with him to school early on Monday with the aim of discussing this with year head to try and get punishment downgraded before he does 'time' for it? If IANBU then how would you approach defending your DC in this situation? "

Sounded to me as if she wanted to get his punishment downgraded

math kids at my school carry a ball around, put their bags on the ground and don't use lockers. It really isn't an issue.

math

I can't find where the OP has said that the school does or doesn't provide lockers.

either way most kids don't use them.