to think this is an inappropriately harsh punishment?

[whoseafraidofnaomiwolf]

I'm not sure whether I'm being a bit PLB about this situation (I suspect I might be) so am coming to the wider community of wise women for advice.

Background: PLB DS3(13) is generally a good child, well mannered, bright, funny, kind, and conscientious with his school work. He's popular with the other kids and teachers alike. Not a stealth boast (though I know it sounds that way) he's just one of those children. Yesterday at school he and his friends were mucking about at lunch time - one friend was pinching crisps and then the others would 'chase' him to get them back - all very good natured (I'm told) and within the realm of normal boyish horseplay. In this theme, one friend went to 'run away' and DS grabbed at him to stop him. He grabbed the strap of his backpack. Friend was halted in his tracks, staggered back then fell back and hit the back of head on a wooden bench causing a cut and a nasty bump. DS was horrified, apologised immediately and took friend to school first aid where he was cared for and his parents were called to take him home. DS was asked to write a report on his part in the incident.

Later yesterday afternoon my DH got a phonemail from school and I received an email to say that there had been an incident and that the school was giving DS a 'gross misconduct' for assault of another pupil. This is the most severe form of punishment the school gives before exclusion, it will stay on his school record until he leaves, and involves spending a day in isolation.

We have spoken to DS about this incident in stern terms. We've discussed actions and consequences and DS has messaged his friend to apologise and ensure that he is well (friend went home after incident). Friend is well and messaged back that he hoped DS hadn't got into trouble as it wasn't his fault. I've messaged friends Mum to acknowledge incident and express apologies & assurances that DS has been spoken to.

DS has never been in any sort of trouble before, not even a detention. I've warned him that he may just have to suck-up the punishment, but inside I am cross at how the school has handled this and escalated boisterous behaviour into something verging on criminal. AIBU to think that this is too extreme, and that it would be more appropriate for the school to be issuing him a warning - which the school behaviour policy says should come in the form of a 'yellow card' or 'red card'?

DS's isolation is due to happen on Monday, AIABU to go with him to school early on Monday with the aim of discussing this with year head to try and get punishment downgraded before he does 'time' for it? If IANBU then how would you approach defending your DC in this situation?

The fact that this has happened on a Friday and they propose punishment on the following Monday doesn't help as there's no-one available over the weekend to speak to.

You need to thank your lucky stars op that the injury wasn't far more serious. You're behaving like a tiger mum and doing your son no favours at all.
He should have realised that such behaviour would result in his friend falling over otherwise why would he have done it DGS!
He needs to grow up and accept the punishment and you need to accept your DS is totally in the wrong and stop bleating 'It isn't fair'. It wasn't actually fair that the lad got injured either because of your dgs's actions.

I would go into school on Monday, if only to check that if they are adamant that this goes down on school records, that it will then be removed, as if he goes to uni, or applies for jobs, if the school provide records, you just wouldn't want this to follow him round for the rest of his life. I had a similar situation with my son who was close friends with an Asian boy at high school. My son had been out at lunch with other friends, and had had fish and chips. When he got back to class, his Asian friend had remarked jokingly that my DS smelt of fish and chips. My son, equally jokingly, said to his friend that he smelt of curry. A teacher overheard, and it was reported as a racist comment, and would be placed on his record. Obviously I was furious, and fortunately it was removed eventually, as the other boy's parents, who were friends of ours, visited the school to complain about the over reaction, and the poor Asian boy was also very upset that the school had acted in this way. I think schools have to log and report everything, in case it comes back to bite them on the bum in the future, but there's no harm in going in and challenging it.

*FGS not DGS

if the school provide records

Schools don't provide records to anyone.

What is this tendency to desperately find fault elsewhere (the school for not providing lockers, the school for using a behaviour database with set phrases, the deputy for having a behaviour policy) instead of just accepting this kid acted like a dick and as a direct consequence of him acting like a dick, his friend got hurt and needed medical attention? The kid should suck up his punishment and be grateful that it wasn't worse. Maybe he could spend his time in isolation considering the phrase 'it will all end in tears' and how he could have avoided the situation.

There are times to query locker provision but as an angry reaction to an otherwise good kid receiving a punishment for poor behaviour is not one.

YABU and trying to downplay your son's role in seriously injuring another student. "Horseplay" is a pathetic excuse allowing boys to manhandle others and should be firmly stamped out. Your son could have killed this other boy! He must have not only grabbed his rucksack but pulled it too to pull him backwards.

I hadn't heard of "seatbelting" that a previous poster mentioned but it's been in the news here m.wbnews.info/2016/10/boy-12-badly-injured-by-new-seat-belting-craze-where-he-was-suddenly-yanked-to-the-ground-by-his-rucksack-straps/

The OP sounds like one of 'those' mums....

I a mother and a teacher and hope I can give a balanced view. It sounds like an excessive punishment but you must remember that schools need to be consistent, they can't allow dispensation for previous good behaviour or similar, as might be the case in court. Plus, a bang to the back of the head can easily be fatal; one of my best friends died after a fall which led to her brain haemorrhaging.

To put a slightly different angle on it I actually know what the police consider as assault between school children when it comes to yanking a school bag.

Friend's daughter went to move past a boy on the bus home to get off. Someone yelled, "Don't let her off!". So the boy she had just stepped in front of grabbed her school bag and yanked back. She didn't fall over but it was hard enough to cause nerve damage to her shoulder. Boy is a Year 9 and Police took him into the Youth Justice system for Assault.

no wonder why your son did what he did. Just look at you OP justifying this terrible example of no limits whatsoever.

"What is this tendency to desperately find fault elsewhere (the school for not providing lockers, the school for using a behaviour database with set phrases, the deputy for having a behaviour policy) instead of just accepting this kid acted like a dick and as a direct consequence of him acting like a dick, his friend got hurt and needed medical attention? The kid should suck up his punishment and be grateful that it wasn't worse. Maybe he could spend his time in isolation considering the phrase 'it will all end in tears' and how he could have avoided the situation.

There are times to query locker provision but as an angry reaction to an otherwise good kid receiving a punishment for poor behaviour is not one."

I would definitely challenge this,as it sounds ridiculously heavy-handed on the school's part. It was not D done with any intent to harm on your son's part,which I think is obvious from his past record.

Bless your poor son, he really has come off badly in this situation.

I honestly would never have thought about 'consequences' in this situation when I was at school.

Ime, schools are a very different place to the ones we went to. They are so scared of someone suing that they don't always apply common sense and have blanket policies that need to be applied (not the schools' fault, but an outcome of so many parents taking action against schools in general).

I don't think that storming into school will be helpful, but my concern is that using language like 'assault' for an accident caused by thoughtlessness not intention to hurt downgrades the word (much like calling a one off incident of nastiness 'bullying'). I don't think that this is a problem happening only in schools, but in society at large. Your son will find out that the worst outcome from 'assault' is a day on his own and some words on his record that are unlikely to affect him if he generally behaves well. Therefore, will they understand assault to be a really serious crime that could land them in prison?

I would support my son, explain to him that he made a bad choice and will have to undergo the isolation as a consequence and leave it at that in your position, but I would be really upset.

There was no intent to harm. Your son has shown concern, compassion and remorse. The boys parents have accepted it was an accident. If the school persists with having this on his record I would take it further with an appeal firstly with school governors and the department of education who may be worth speaking to before you approach the school.

I had a similar incident when my youngest was at primary school, one child had accused him of throwing a stone and even though all the other kids insisted it hadn't happened and no adult had seen anything, school sent a letter home saying they were isolating him for the day. He was mortified as he said he hadn't done it (I had no reason to disbelieve him as he wasn't naughty/dishonest) so I went into school first thing and told them if they insisted on carrying it through I would be taking him home for the day! They backed down and all was well. If both your son and his friend are adamant it was accidental I don't think punishment is appropriate, a talk about playing rough and the potential dangers is sufficient.

Do you have the details of the parents who have formed the group taking action?

I would send an email to the Head today (yes, on a Sunday, most I know check their emails over the weekend and very early on Mondays) and explain that I have an issue regarding both the punishment & the 'Gross Misconduct' and that unless you can be assured that DS will not be put in isolation until you have discussed this with the Head he will be staying home. Offer up some times that are convenient for you (and preferably DH as well) to see the Head.

The school are implementing an over the top, ridiculous policy, that is like using a mallet to hit a thumb tac. Other parents have formed a group to challenge it (which I'd get involved with) & I'd consider this as part of supporting them as much as DS and his 'recird'. The Head needs to be made to see how inappropriate & ridiculous this policy is.

I'm in two minds about this one... on the one hand, yes kids mess about and there was obviously a back and forth between the kids playing.

However, there is no inherent right to put your hands on another person, hurt them and then say sorry, it was an accident, everything is ok now. From an overly serious perspective, long-term consequences can occur from this sort of horseplay. It's like when friends are all pushing each other in to a swimming pool.... 99.9% of the time there's no issues, 0.1% of the time someone gets paralysed. No intention to cause someone harm doesn't mean it's fine.

This would be a completely normal response to dangerous, silly behaviour. A day in isolation is completely appropriate. I would lay bets that somewhere in the school rules it says 'keep hands and feet to yourselves'. You and he are just going to have to suck it up and stop undermining the work of an already seriously undermined bunch of professionals who probably spend more time with your child than you do!

I work at a school and involved in sanctions for behaviour. It seems pretty heavy handed. But generally the behaviour panel will be given certain information andhave to make a judgement on it. We usually have isolation exclusion until the parents are called in for a meeting. Then make a final decision involving parents and the child.

Seems a bit unfair on all accounts if I am honest. But schools are governed by ofsted and safety!

I would send an email to the Head today (yes, on a Sunday, most I know check their emails over the weekend and very early on Mondays) and explain that I have an issue regarding both the punishment & the 'Gross Misconduct' and that unless you can be assured that DS will not be put in isolation until you have discussed this with the Head he will be staying home.
You would be doing your son no favours by doing this, essentially making a threat.

It does sound a touch heavy handed, but it could have been very serious. Even more so as a popular kid, what message would it be giving to his peers? We are pretty zero tolerance with things like this - I spend so much time on the phone to parents of kids who have been injured when the other child was 'just missing around'.

Furthermore I wholeheartedly do not agree with Chiddles09. Your son should not spend a day in isolation as he did not commit an assault as he never meant to cause harm. It was an accident from playing and one for which he has genuinely apologised. I think the language of storming into the school is rather emotive too. I would speak to the head and raise your concerns that you feel your son is being punished unfairly for an accident and not an intended assault. They may be asking him not to fool around as this could have been more serious and want to get this message to him however I would state he is aware of the consequences and will not behave like this again and a record of assault is totally inconsistent with what happened.

Um, I'm sure everyone has said everything there is to say but I will say this: school records stay in school no? Won't affect any career prospects or further education prospects will it? It's not like a criminal record which does affect your life. Have a talk with the school but put it down to experience and Hope he doesn't do that again

The school has overreacted and not properly investigated the incident. This needs sorting as your son doesn't deserve this harsh treatment. A punishment of some sort such as detention would have sufficed.It was an isolated incident as a result of boyish horseplay.

Your son's behaviour, albeit unintentional, resulted in a head injury. He can't be let off because he's a nice lad. The school has to be consistent. Don't go into the school, let him do his punishment and learn from it.

I would lay bets that somewhere in the school rules it says 'keep hands and feet to yourselves'

Our first school rule is "do nothing that will endanger yourself or others"

Your son should not spend a day in isolation as he did not commit an assault as he never meant to cause harm. It was an accident from playing and one for which he has genuinely apologised.

This is one of the most ridiculous statements I have ever read.