To Want Her To Move Out

[SickandTired01]

Ok, so my step daughter (there's nothing "Darling" about her!) has lived with me and her dad (and our DD) for the past 4 years. She is 16 and is at college. She moved in with us after her mum kicked her out, they'd been having problems for a few years - typical moody pre-teen stuff.

Things were ok at first, we moved to a bigger house so she could have her own room and we all got along perfectly well. Over the past 2 years she has turned into an ignorant, rude, lazy and just plain horrible girl. She recently announced that she has mental health problems (which she says started when she was about 5) and has gone through our GP for a referral to CAHMS, which I'm glad about as if she needs help then she's doing the right thing to get it, although she's blown off an appointment today because she couldn't be bothered going....(read into that what you will).

More recently, say the last month or so, she has been constantly answering back, talking down to me and her dad and throwing a strop if we ask her to do chores (she doesn't have many) she purposefully does the bare minimum or outright lies that she's done something when she clearly hasn't and her snide comments are starting to wear me down.

I'm also worried about the negative impact this is having on my DD, who at the moment is bright and confident and absolutely lovely with everyone (which I fear will change with constant exposure to her big sister who is a shut-in and refuses to talk to most people). She very rarely speaks to my DD and hates spending time with her, which really upsets DD as she looks up to her big sister and thinks the world of her.

Anyway, there's a tonne of history and our backstory would take up 3 pages... So what I am getting at is: WIBU to ask that she move back to her mum's? I've gone out of my way to make her welcome and to ensure she's loved and cared for (her dad and I have been together for 10 years), but it all gets thrown back in my face and the stress is now getting unbearable.

What should I do? (sorry for the long post)

Why do so many people expect teenagers to be as emotionally mature as adults?

Also, your insistence that your four year old will be a dream teenager because you're such a perfect parent is obnoxious.

I have been raising my children to be polite and respectful and considerate also, but it turns out they have asd/pda so don't actually understand social rules and have too much anxiety about pressure of living up to expectations they don't understand to allways behave that way. It's not simple as you make out. And you appear to be lacking compassion, which thankfully my children have.

GPS don't refer to CAMHS for no reason, and CAMHS don't give appointmeets out for no reason, so assuming that's all happened your dsd almost certainly does have mh difficulties at present. Just because they began before you were in the picture doesn't mean you have contributed to them, there are often a number of factors.

And what sort of message would be you giving to your Darling Daughter?

And what sort of message would be you giving to your Darling Daughter?

Good point, monkeypuzzleclimber. Certainly wouldn't instil me with confidence that I would have my parents' love and support in times of trouble. Disposable daughters.

Oh and lots and lots of very poor parents manage to spend time with their children and do an excellent job of prioritising them and connecting with them, so being skint is a cop out.

I've never met any of these people but it's clear from OP's posts that she dislikes the child intensely, thinks her inherently lesser than her own daughter and doesn't consider her part of the package of her family. If I've picked up on that, doubtless the kid has too. Add to that her parents'acrimonious split and her rejection by her mother at the age of 12 (12!!!!!) and it is frankly astonishing that she is as collected as she is. Nobody should be surprised that she's acting up. It's a miracle it's started so recently.

So given that her issues are caused by being rejected and made to feel unloved and unwanted throughout her young life, what on earth makes you think another rejection is the answer?

This is just awful.
While I was in hospital having my last baby my 14 yo daughter kicked a hole in my living room wall during a fight with her step dad. Did he say she should go live with her dad (who she has a good relationship with)?
Of course not! This is her home, we had to deal with her as a family. I couldn't stand her for a long time, but I never let her know that. Being a teenager is hard, on everyone, but teenagers need stability and love, not chucked out when things get tough 🙁

One day I (and I'm certain my grumpy husband) are likely to be old and annoying. We may even get dementia. And I fully expect our kids to stick by us. Thats what we do. Were family. My older sister who has a borderline personality/asperger's diagnosis (and has been incredibly hard work at times) has been in hospital for 2 weeks with pneumonia and lung failure due to lifestyle choices. I have been there (an hour each way) nearly every day and overnight sometimes, before rushing back to look after my kids. And will do so as long as she need me. I am not some sort of saint. She is needs me. There's no choice to be made.

This thread makes me so sad

She sounds frightened. This is teenage behaviour but she sounds like she is testing the boundaries. The 'no one wants me' is a trump card. I'd sit her down and try and talk. Tell her you see her as an adult and as a family you need to pull things together - so what does she think would work? Give her some of the responsibility of sorting it out - change the level of relationship from 'I'm the adult you are being a wee shit and I can kick you out' to ' we are all adults - what are we doing to fix this'...good luck

It is extremely difficult to get a referral to CAMHS.
I have just spent the last 24hrs in hospital with my teenage dd after she attempted to kill herself, please don't underestimate depression and mental health issues as I did.

WTF, you sound bloody awful. That poor, poor child. No wonder she's acting out

OP, you are me in 9 years time, This is exactly what I'm dreading. I haven't read everyone's posts but her Mum couldn't handle her so what makes everyone think that you should be able to? As far as I'm concerned, if she is going through difficulties / teenage stuff, her parents should be supporting her, if she is using CAHMS to support her both parents should be involved in why she needs help, diagnosis if there is any & what support she needs from them to help her through her current difficulties. It is not your job or responsibility to deal with this, if you want to help & be supportive that is great but not being able to handle her in your house full time is nothing to feel bad about.

Namechangedfordaughter I am so sorry your daughter is having such a difficult time. Strength to you both. I don't know you but I will be thinking of you both.

It is not your job or responsibility to deal with this

Ofcourse it's her job, it's ops job & dad & mums job, a step parent isn't any less of a parent & the op married a man with a child so she is committed to the child also. Or at least she should be.

And yes op listen to name changed (so sorry for your dd, young minds website maybe some help?) CAMHS are one of the most overstretched parts of the NHS, and very much a law onto themselves in that they can and do refuse referrals, so if your dsd has been given an appointment she has a real problem and need help not kicked out.

If her bio-mom could handle her better then she wouldn't have been kicked out. It doesn't sound like the girl would be happier or more stable living with bio mom (sounds like emotional games betw those 2, actually).

The DSD sounds like a cowbag (which hopefully is teenage temporary.. she will outgrow eventually). You don't have to like her to do the loving thing for her which means gritting teeth & getting thru the awful moments. You can talk to your bio-DD about why the DSD's behaviour is painful & not how to treat people... but please don't compare the girls. They will each bring their own challenges to your life.

This thread is depressing. All dc are in need of reassurance of unconditional love. Sadly her mum couldn't give her that and now her step mum is trying the ensure her dad doesn't give her it either. No wonder she tests boundaries!

Teenagers are arse holes and I think you my be eating your hat when your dd gets to her age

Tbh if you ask her to leave you may be risking your marriage when you marry Somone with children there is always the chance that they will end up living with you often if more diffcult to tolerate there shit as there not your children and you haven't had a hand in raising her

But if you think she is a moster and not being a normal arsey teen your in for a massive shock

We have had some awful times with my son 16 and I dare say will have some more

Hate the beavhoiurs and not the child

Disapline has to come from a place of love or else it will not be recived

I wouldn't take any instruction from Somone I didn't have my best interests at heart and wanted me to pipe down so I could have a quite life more than so I could be happy recive love and be well in myself

I do think that a lot of posters are missing the point here.

I understand in a way, because until you've been in the situation that the OP is, it's easy to stand back and say, she's just a troubled kid, give her security.

The thing is, the BIG thing, is she's not her mother. And unless there has been an acceptance from her step daughter towards step mum, and vice versa, in a workable way, of some kind of relationship, then this is not an adequate parenting situation. And all is can do is breed distance and contempt.

It is like this because her Mum rejected her, dumped her with the step mum - as the main parent - not the Dad who has not got a handle on things here and is not acting effectively in any way. Her security has gone. It takes exceptional work from the girls own parents and a big adjustment from her to be able to accept the step Mum in this role. And she hasn't.

It sounds so much like my situation. Believe me, I wanted to help my DSD. But she didn't want help from me. That is why even now I would not take her back, it is a dynamic that stems from her mother, and it is only with her mother that can be worked out.

It sets up a lot of weird dynamics and confused loyalties when a Mum sends her kid to 'Dads' without really thinking through whether this is going to be best, and without the Step Mum being acknowledged and on board and - for the step mum to want this too.

Bananasinpyjamas1 Wow. I don't think people are missing the point at all. They just don't believe, unlike you, that the step mother's needs and wants are the most important thing in this situation. They think a child who's been let down by her parents is more important.

Seriously, read your post back and have a good hard look at yourself.

I'm not a step child by the way and was never kicked out of home, etc etc. I'm not projecting.

Bananas, totally agree with you

Sorry that's horse shit my dear nephew was dumped by his my on his dad and my sister when he was 10

My sister has always loved her step son she made it quite clear when her and dh got together that if she found if trying to shake his respobilties to his ds she would be leaving

My sister loves the bones off him so much so I see him as my nephew and he is much lived by our side of the family

He had some really awful behaviour inducing being excluded from school all sorts he gave my sister away on her wedding not my dad she loves him that much

She has a birth daughter and feels her family is now complete when he moved in he was ready to recive the displine from my sister because he knew he was loved and not simply tolerated like so many step children

Well clearly her mum doesn't know her best and isn't the best person to help her as she already threw her out and DSD doesn't want to go back there.

Look, DSD behaviour sounds fairly "normal" to me and it is entirely possible she does have MH issues. I hate to break this to you OP but even children who don't come from "broken homes" and have lovely parents can have MH issues that their biological parents cannot help them with, no matter how much they love them or how well they know them.

Anyway, I am so glad to see that you are not going to chuck her out. It's really important that she feels accepted, whilst adhering to clear boundaries.

What really concerns me about this thread is the near bloody absence of her father. What the bloody hell is he doing? Nothing from the sounds of it. I think this is unfair on you OP. It smacks of wifework.

Tell DH to step up to the plate and set aside some time every week to do something with DSD. He sounds like a big part of this problem.

Good luck.

Omg....I was starting to have a bit of sympathy for you OP till I read the "I'm dubious re the MH problems". Are you a qualified psychiatrist then?
It is actually really difficult to get a referral to CAMHS, so someone obviously thinks she does.
Unbelievable. I think this whole thread is appalling. I feel very sorry for that child.
And as for the smug people that say how perfect they and their teenagers are, well good for you.
My daughter is 18 and had severe MH issues and is in recovery....and I didn't ever chuck her out