To Want Her To Move Out

[SickandTired01]

Ok, so my step daughter (there's nothing "Darling" about her!) has lived with me and her dad (and our DD) for the past 4 years. She is 16 and is at college. She moved in with us after her mum kicked her out, they'd been having problems for a few years - typical moody pre-teen stuff.

Things were ok at first, we moved to a bigger house so she could have her own room and we all got along perfectly well. Over the past 2 years she has turned into an ignorant, rude, lazy and just plain horrible girl. She recently announced that she has mental health problems (which she says started when she was about 5) and has gone through our GP for a referral to CAHMS, which I'm glad about as if she needs help then she's doing the right thing to get it, although she's blown off an appointment today because she couldn't be bothered going....(read into that what you will).

More recently, say the last month or so, she has been constantly answering back, talking down to me and her dad and throwing a strop if we ask her to do chores (she doesn't have many) she purposefully does the bare minimum or outright lies that she's done something when she clearly hasn't and her snide comments are starting to wear me down.

I'm also worried about the negative impact this is having on my DD, who at the moment is bright and confident and absolutely lovely with everyone (which I fear will change with constant exposure to her big sister who is a shut-in and refuses to talk to most people). She very rarely speaks to my DD and hates spending time with her, which really upsets DD as she looks up to her big sister and thinks the world of her.

Anyway, there's a tonne of history and our backstory would take up 3 pages... So what I am getting at is: WIBU to ask that she move back to her mum's? I've gone out of my way to make her welcome and to ensure she's loved and cared for (her dad and I have been together for 10 years), but it all gets thrown back in my face and the stress is now getting unbearable.

What should I do? (sorry for the long post)

Of course I have disliked my child on occasion, OP. And then I have felt bad about it afterwards because parental love should be unconditional. It's unfair that you are the stepmother and that due to your DH's commitments you are doing all the parenting, but you knew your DH came with a child when you married him. I really think you need to adjust your attitude to your stepdaughter, otherwise you will simply be unable to help her.

It is very, very hard to take the snide remarks and the nasty comments. You are not expected to smile. But ignore - yes, definitely. Being a parent of teenagers is often a thankless task, that is just how it is.

OP I think u r being given an unreasonably hard time here.
All the posters saying you clearly don't like DSD, IMO u aren't obligated to like her! Given her attitude and behaviour its understandable.
However like many have pointed out, she's had a rough time. Best way forward would be to have a good sit down with DH and agree on a strategy to get through it.
I don't have any real practical advice, but you have my sympathy.
Her own mum couldn't deal with her and gave up. You are still trying. So IMO you're doing well

She is a teenager. You seriously think talking back and throwing a strop is behaviour enough to make 16 year old leave her home.

im sure passing her back to the place where she was originally thrown out of wont make her feel worse at all.

It sounds like you didnt care much for her anyway. So have at it.

Good Luck

I feel for you, it can horrific, I might also add that even with your "own" DD it might be horrific, & even thoughtyou may feel you will know how to deal with it with your DD....... it is not necessarily the case !
I certainly didn't.
I did however feel like I had to persist, & can see why you don't.
I think I would tell her, that you love her, & part of loving someone is showing them that there are boundaries, & she is overstepping hers.
You are not obliged to have her living with you, there are other options. If she wants to be part of your family, then she is required to behave by family rules.
If she hates you all she can take herself back to her mother or grandmother. The door will always be open if she is prepared to cooperate, which means "integrating with other people" & not making everyone miserable, doing her odd chore, & communicating.

^I can guarantee that my DD won't be like her sister because she has been brought up better and will not be allowed to speak to/treat people the way DSD has and does.

My DD will be respectful and courteous and grateful because that's how I am bringing her up. (You may think me naïve, but that's how I was raised and I turned out alright!)^

I have just read this. OMG, the arrogance! Actually well brought up young people with perfect lives can and do go off the rails. I'm very nearly sitting here wishing just that on you for your utter lack of compassion, except that I wouldn't wish it on your DD. Your poor DSD having you for a step parent.

OP can I ask how communication is between the two of you? Do you have the kind of close relationship where you can talk openly.
I'm asking because, many years ago, I was a stroppy 'difficult' teenager. I had emotionally problems that I was just didn't have the maturity to manage. Anyway the main thing I remember was that no one ever sat me down and talked to me about my behaviour. I was never given the opportunity to 'open up' in a non-confrontational way.
If DSD refuses to respond to you, maybe accessing counselling through CAMHS could be a good idea. See if She can arrange another appointment.

You say she's been like this for about month...that's a very short amount of time for you to snap.

Everything you described is what teenagers do. Teenagers are grumpy, they answer back they try to get away with the bare minimum. They don't like spending time with their family, especially younger siblings.

Get her help for her mental health issues. Don't kick her out. If you do it's just reaffirming in her that she isn't a bad kid who nobody wants. Has she ever had counselling to deal with her mother kicking her out at 12.

Chances are she is purposefully being a brat to test I feel you and your dh will always be there for her. People with abandonment issues do this all the time, they push you away so when you finally let go they can say 'see everybody leaves me'. Help her, don't push her away. Or she will have more problems down the line beyond being grumpy and unpleasant.

It's no good wishing you had handled things differently when she was with her mother, the situation is what it is. I doubt very much she isn't aware of the idea of being forced back to her mother - her mother is pressuring for this, her dad half-agrees with you (which means it must have been said somewhere) - she's not stupid, she knows it will have crossed your mind. Not to mention being thrown out of her home has already happened to her, so it's not like her life experience doesn't tell her the people supposed to love her don't stand by her.

Currently she's got a mother who couldn't or wouldn't cope with her and threw her out at 12, a father who is apparently asleep or at work and a stepmum who has a biological daughter who is younger, cuter and more biddable. It would be a miracle if she didn't have a bit of Sarah-in-Labyrinth kind of thing going on.

And the worst you've come up with her doing is being late, ungrateful and rude. While also actually trying to get some help for herself.

You have a chance to do something you can be really proud of, to be there for this young woman as she finds herself. Or you can give up and chuck her out and wash your hands of her, and write her off at 16.

Hassled it's hard because money is so tight at the moment that I can't afford to take her anywhere. Plus DH works nights so it's hard fitting things in around that.

DSD's mental health problems started before I ever came into her life. Probably around the time her mum kicked her dad out the first time (because she didn't love him and wanted to see other people). They yo-yo'd a few times, which can't have helped DSD's MH.

Your welcome it's like that saying when you can't see the wood for the trees,I think it's always easier to be able to suggest things and maybe see things in a different way when your the not the one living amongst it all.

If it helps a member of my extended family had a very similar family situation and it was really really hard for a few years I won't lie but it did get better,now the children all involved are very very close,some of them have lived together as adults by choice,they holiday together,they baby sit for one anothers children,so things has bleak as they must feel for you alright now can improve.

I think if you look for it you'll find there's alot more support now for step familys than there was back then.Have a look on here(I know you probably feel emotionally black and blue after this thread)just not on AIBU and have a look online,it could be worth speaking to your DSD school as well,you never know they may have some connections to some support for blended familys.

With your DSD I know it's hard with work and school and having your DD and life in general but is there any way that you and your DSD could have some time alone?Maybe once or twice a month,you could go for lunch/the cinema/bowling/get your nails done whatever it is that you'd both enjoy and then maybe she could have a few hours alone with her dad 1-2 times a month doing something nice together.

That way she'd see just how important she is to you both,it could help her feel like she's as much a part of the family as her little sister is.It could give you and your DH alone time to bond with your DSD,you could get to know one another again properly and it could give you the chance to share things with one another and make some lovely memories.

I can tell you, that she is likely to calm down significantly over the next few years. My DD was a bit difficult at 16. Now she's 18 and totally grown up, no problems at all. HTH

for what it's worth op I think you did the right thing taking her in. That can't have been easy for you, but in the long run it sounds like she was better off with you and your husband than with her mother.

Don't be sceptical of her mental health issues. Accept them as truth, doesn't mean it has to excuse her behaviour but it allows you to have some access into the motivation behind her actions. Tell her you believe that what she is feeling is real and that you will help her access all the help she needs in her own time. Tell her you and your husband will always be there for her. Reaffirm that with your actions every day. Honestly the more secure she feels the more likely it is for her behaviour to settle down.

Ach, OP, I do feel for you. I was a total shite to my mum stopping short of drugs, sex - the "big ones". She had MH issues and was a distant parent and I basically turned into Satan when I was 16 and I know I was very horrible.

Your DSD has been de facto failed by both her parents - don't recoil - but you say her Dad is away (at work) during "normal" hours and her Mum gave her the boot...and that she hates her mum for it. Can't really blame her for that.

YANBU to feel like this but don't act on it. I was consciously horrid as a teen and knew how bad I was yet kept doing it because I was angry, lonely, scared (of my mum topping herself) and confused as to if I actually loved her or not. So basically I pushed her boundaries to the holy limit.

It's so easy to say but you just absolutely have to hang on in there. If you do I'm sure we'll see a thread update in 2021 about how she made you guest of honour at her graduation or something and that you're planning a trip to Marbella together or something.

But your DH has to pull his finger out as you have an awful lot on your plate and yes it can breed resentment. Don't misplace it at DSD and don't send her packing, please.

I wish you all the luck OP

Just seen your last post if money is short about doing some nice things that are free or really cheap?

With your DH's shifts could your parents or your inlaws have your youngest DD for 2-3 hours once or twice a month?If so you and your DSD could have a pamper session at home,you can pick up lovely face masks,feet masks and hand masks in supermarkets and poundshops now or you can even make your own at home or watch some movies and make some popcorn and make dinner together,go jogging together,swimming can be cheap,the children's club for the cinema on a Weekend morning usually only costs between £1 and £2 per ticket,have a look online for deals on things like Bowling,if you can go after school it's usually alot cheaper,some museums offer free admission and some do free make and take home sessions as well.

Not much mention of her dad in all this - she is is daughter after all. She has been kicked out by her mum and is now testing you and her dad to see if you will reject her as well. In your situation I'd be laying down some firm boundaries - teenagers might kick against boundaries, but ultimately that's what makes them feel safe. No boundaries means you really don't care. Not saying it's not hard for you, but she really needs to know she can count on at least one parent - in your shoes I'd be wanting to see your DH step up to the mark. He needs to be a good dad to both his daughters.

I'm from a complicated broken home. I was a bit of shit as a teenager because I was sad and confused, and suffering from (at that point undiagnosed) mental health problems. Didn't want to socialise, moody, snappy, but all in all general teenage stuff. Because you're trying to find who you are at that age and rejection from a parent is absolutely crushing. No one understood and I got labelled as 'difficult'; ended up having a breakdown and becoming agoraphobic at 18 because noone realised I needed help.

Doesn't mean she can say or do whatever she wants but she deserves way more empathy than you're giving her. There is nothing shitter than being a miserable teenage girl. And FYI I was brought up 'respectful and courteous and grateful' but that means fuck all when you feel like no one wants you.

In the Kitchen I've always told DSD that she can tell me anything, ask me anything and to never be embarrassed or think I will shout (I could NEVER talk to my mum about sex or boys or anything teengagery as she's very old-fashioned - although she's mellowed in her old age!) and DSD always said she felt like she could talk to me about anything an everything, but then she lied about a boy (a very serious lie that could have gotten him arrested if ynwim) and lots of other things that she really didn't need to lie about it made me question our relationship. I've always been open and honest with her and I though we'd established good relationship, maybe I was wrong and she doesn't want me to be involved in her life?

While op spending fun time with dsd a good idea ultimately her father needs to step up. He's not working or asleep all the time, he needs to spend time alone with her too.

OP would your SD ever help you if you would ask her to babysit her little sister?

My brother divorced and remarried, his DD from his first marriage chose to live with him age 11. His new wife didn't know how to handle things (always moaned about her) until my brother asked her to not get involved with his DD's upbringing. She distanced herself (fair enough it wasn't her child) to the point where now she hasn't got any type of relationship with my niece. They are literally strangers living in the same house. My niece was a good teenager in my opinion, never caused any issues except being distant (which was normal seeing that whatever she did wasn't good enough in my SIL's eyes).

The bonding problem I can see is that my brother had another child and never involved my niece with her upbringing. She could have babysat maybe once or twice (14 years gap) when she was 16 which would have helped the bonding between sisters. She was trustable so not sure why it didn't happen.

As a teen I had a full break down. I became totally disinterested in everything. Slept constantly. I did 6 months of school (if that!) Blamed my then 6 year old sister for my mums different parenting techniques among many other things.My safe haven was my room.

I think this may be the same for her. Shes not going to want to come and spend family time, she's a teenager. Schedule some time just you and her. A coffee doesn't cost much but gives time and opportunity to open up.

Both me and my sister have a 10 year age gap. It took till she was in her teens and for us to get on. It's an age thing.

And yes, both me and her are both fine. She's not damaged from my break down at all.

Please don't give up on her.By kicking her out she may see it as rejection from you and her father and that may well be the final tipping point for her and her MH.

She's angry at the world, trying to process so many feelings.

It will get better. She needs time and support.

f she wants to be part of your family, then she is required to behave by family rules.

So, due to her lying in the past you've lost your trust in her. And due to her being let down by her DM its understandable that DSD may struggle to trust you also...
I think a lot of these problems could come down to trust and communication issues. I'm only making a judgement, of course I don't know the whole back story.
Persue counselling, surely its better than the alternative. You have invested too much to send her back to her mum now.

Also I agree with Graphista
Although as a step parent you do bear some responsibility towards her, she has other parents. Where are they in this situation?? One is asleep and the other one buggered off years ago!!

You have adult expectations of this child.

Having a child is not some sort of voluntary scheme
I agree. Tell her actual mum!