To Want Her To Move Out

[SickandTired01]

Ok, so my step daughter (there's nothing "Darling" about her!) has lived with me and her dad (and our DD) for the past 4 years. She is 16 and is at college. She moved in with us after her mum kicked her out, they'd been having problems for a few years - typical moody pre-teen stuff.

Things were ok at first, we moved to a bigger house so she could have her own room and we all got along perfectly well. Over the past 2 years she has turned into an ignorant, rude, lazy and just plain horrible girl. She recently announced that she has mental health problems (which she says started when she was about 5) and has gone through our GP for a referral to CAHMS, which I'm glad about as if she needs help then she's doing the right thing to get it, although she's blown off an appointment today because she couldn't be bothered going....(read into that what you will).

More recently, say the last month or so, she has been constantly answering back, talking down to me and her dad and throwing a strop if we ask her to do chores (she doesn't have many) she purposefully does the bare minimum or outright lies that she's done something when she clearly hasn't and her snide comments are starting to wear me down.

I'm also worried about the negative impact this is having on my DD, who at the moment is bright and confident and absolutely lovely with everyone (which I fear will change with constant exposure to her big sister who is a shut-in and refuses to talk to most people). She very rarely speaks to my DD and hates spending time with her, which really upsets DD as she looks up to her big sister and thinks the world of her.

Anyway, there's a tonne of history and our backstory would take up 3 pages... So what I am getting at is: WIBU to ask that she move back to her mum's? I've gone out of my way to make her welcome and to ensure she's loved and cared for (her dad and I have been together for 10 years), but it all gets thrown back in my face and the stress is now getting unbearable.

What should I do? (sorry for the long post)

Have you considered that she is not just a teenager (who commonly display these characteristics) but one who has already been thrown out by her mum? Teens test boundaries anyway and they need consistency, a teen who has already been chucked out by her mum is likely to be even more insecure, scared and unsure than most.

Please go on the teens forum and let some mners who have been there and got the entire outfit to give you some pointers. Don't give up on her, I promise it will get better soon and your younger DD will be fine.

I was an absolute horror when I was 14-16. I grew out of it as I started to mature and I realised that my parents loved me no matter what. It was absolutely a reaction to divorce. My dad was shite and I pushed my mum and step dad so far to test if they were going to sod off as well. Only hindsight and maturity shows you that though. At the time I just felt like the world was shite and everyone owed me something.

what does DH say? would he support her going to her Mums?

If DH is supportive you could say to her that you want to speak to her in one days time. (make sure its an appointment so she knows its serious).

Then you could say. 'i've noticed you're not very happy here, would you like to move back to you mothers, don't feel you have to stay here if you are not happy'
The if she responds that she wants to stay, then say you want to improve the happiness in the household and that can only happen with her co-operation, then go through what she needs to do.' Ask what she wants from you. See what she says.

My DD will be respectful and courteous and grateful because that's how I am bringing her up. (You may think me naïve, but that's how I was raised and I turned out alright!)

Hahahhahahahahahaha

You can bring them up how you like, but it's not only nurture that produces results.

There's a hell of a lot of luck in there too.

I'm hoping my DD won't turn out like her big sister because she comes from a more stable home (2 x loving parents that are in a happy and committed relationship) she is already the complete opposite of her big sister in every way.

How naive! I came from a stable home. Both my parents had excellent jobs and were in a very loving happy marriage. I was still an absolute nightmare and my life from the age of 13-18 was all drugs, alcohol and sex ending with a teenage pregnancy at 18!
Just because your DD comes from a stable home, doesn't mean you won't have issues when she is older!

I feel for you and I don't know how I'd react in your situation. I do think the teen and step parenting boards are probably the best place for you to get advice and some support.
But I'd add this - I imagine your SD was a darling age 4 and nobody could have imagined her behaving as she does now - so try not compare the two children.
And I was a cowbag to my mum when I was 16 having been brought up to be respectful. The teen years are, for many people, difficult and confusing, whatever your background.

Don't throw her out.

Talk to your partner/ husband and set ground rules. If she wants to live with you she has to do certain things

For example

• Keep every doc/ hosp/ therapist app
• Spend time with her little sister each day and actually put effort in.
• loose the backchat
• help around the house (do her chores properly)
• keep on top of her college work
• treat you and DP with respect

Tell her you're there for her but won't take her crap. Everyone has a bad day but being a cow constantly to you and her dad isn't going to help anyone.

Poor kid. Broken home, chucked out by her mum at 12 years old then stuck with a SM who doesn't like her very much. Oh, and she's a teenager, with the usual uncertainties, hormones and lack of confidence.

She needs support, love and clear boundaries. Not the threat of another rejection.

I don't think enforcing time with her little sister would be a good thing - it would just end badly - a teen may find her much younger siblings irritating and trying to force a bond won't work.

OP - if you were her bio mum, I think you'd have got a very different reaction here. People are generally sympathetic if you're struggling with your own teenagers. But heaven forbid you're having trouble with someone else's (and surely that's twice as hard) you're cast as Myra Hindley.

I'm pretty sure someone threatening to throw their own daughter out on the behaviour described would get short shrift.

I had a lovely, bright and kind DD, until she hit 15, and then she turned into a Jekyll and Hyde character. I look back and can't believe I survived it. She's now a well adjusted hard working young adult, in a very good job. My sister used to sound just like you; her DD was at primary school when I was going through the nightmare teen period, and she used to bleat constantly about how well behaved and brilliant her DD was. That well behaved, brilliant little girl is now 14 and the teen from hell. I can't help but feel smug that she has now apparently become a 'poor' parent; which was what she said I must have been on numerous occasions. Don't give up on her OP, because when you go through the teen years with your DD, you are going to look back and feel pretty bad that you didn't ride the storm, because I bet your DD won't be going anywhere if she turns into the teen from hell.

I had a similar situation, full time DSD because her mother found it 'too difficult' and chose to let her live with her Dad. It's a setup that can be doomed, like yours is. With me it was because my DSD would not accept me at all and was adversely affecting the other children. So much so, I would have split up from DP rather than carry on. Luckily I didn't have to make that decision, as she decided herself to go back to her Mums, after 5 years of living with us. Her Mum has been trying to get her back to us (read me... ) every since, but I cannot take her back. She's 19 now and basically resents me, not a great ingredient for a happy home life.

I do not think that you are unreasonable to consider this as an option - her own mother did! And there IS an option there, it's not as if you are kicking her out onto the street. Yes it is much better for a child to have a stable, constant place, but that was mucked up as soon as her Mum decided to move her on.

It might be a very good thing for her to be back with her Mum, there has been unresolved issues that have not been tackled. I presume her Mum is not awful to her? She can't just dump her on you both without that being a positive move for all. And it isn't, is it.

Would it be the end of the world if she went back to her mothers, as per Banana's post?

There's no guarantee that your biological daughter will "turn out better" than your step-daughter. Do you genuinely believe that every rude person, every person who commits a crime, everyone ever done anything nasty, or mean, or spiteful, every single one of them was raised badly? That nobody who was brought up well wouldn't be do any of those things?

If so, you are completely deluded. And even if you do believe that, that means that you accept that it is not your step-daughter's fault the way she is!

"Nice" girls who have been brought up well go off the rails at some point. Most girls do. It's a question of when, not if - for some it's early teens, some mid teens, some leave it even later. For most it is a passing phase, for some it hangs around a lot longer.

The point is that you don't know that your biological daughter will be any better when she reaches her teens. You assume she will because (you think) you've brought her up to be better than that, but you don't know it.

You can do ALL the right things between birth and a child reaching 16. (Unlikely, but possible.) But that does not guarantee anything whatsoever.

Ask yourself, how will you treat your own daughter when she behaves badly, answers back and insults you when she's a teenager. What will you do with her? How will you deal with it? You seem to genuinely believe that it is impossible that this will happen, but at least try to think it through in that manner.

You may be able to think more rationally and objectively when your opinion of the child is not clouded with such negativity as you show towards your step-daughter.

And then, maybe try the very same things with your step-daughter... She needs your compassion, not your dislike. When you get involved with someone with a child from a previous relationship, you take on a responsibility for that child too. It's not a responsibility you can ignore just because the child is difficult.

She sounds awful, but fairly typical. She has had a very rough ride growing up and I am so pleased OP that you have taken PPs points on board,and are starting to recognise that.

I have work as a counsellor with troubled young people and have also had personal experience of adolescent mental health. It is quite common for potential clients to fail to attend appointments. It is a scary business and several false starts are quite usual.

My professional experience has showed me that most young people desperately need security. They need to be told and shown that no matter how badly they behave they belong with their families who love them (obviously not if they are a danger to themselves or others, but that isn't the case here). I see so much damage done by young people being moved from Mum's house to Dads house, then maybe off to Granny's, then back to Mum's. They end up confused with no clear sense of identity or safe place to call home.

You need to keep on enforcing the boundaries that work in your house but also show her love. Teenagers aren't that different to little ones. They need clear rules that are consistently enforced and they need praise and attention on the rare occasions they do something right!

I

You sound at your wits end OP.

Being a step mum is really hard. Being a step mum to a teen can try the patience of a saint.

Whilst I can see where some of the critical posters are coming from in response to the opening post, my take is that your not heartless - rather you are just using MN to vent feelings you have no other outlet for.

As a fellow SM I'd make the following comments:

1. I don't think sending her back to her Mum is the right solution.

1. I can understand your concern about the behavioural impact on your DD. It's a valid point.

1. Remember your DSD is the first teen you've had experience of. I know it's frustrating behaviour, but leaving the MH issues aside for the moment, she's not doing anything that's "untypical"'of that age.

1. She won't have an interest in your DD. That's actually normal. Teens regularly "cut off" from far less younger siblings. At this stage in her life, friends/boyfriends are the favoured contacts.

1. If she's been accepted by CAHMS then I think you have accept there is an issue. I'd question where your DH is wrt to getting her to her appointments and working pro-actively with them (not being bothered to attend them can be a result of MH issues rather than a sign of there not being one).

1. You sound very frustrated. My guess is because you feel you have no control over this issue or see a way to resolve it. Again, try and remember many parents are in the same position in dealing with teens. The fact she is your DSD does make it harder, but that's something you and your DH need to work on. You both need to be consistent in boundaries and consequences - ideally in conjunction with CAHMS.

Good luck

There's an awful lot of talk of 'consequences' and 'boundaries' but there needs to be praise, love and appreciation for what she does right too.

Is she keeping up good attendance at college? Getting good marks? I find it hard to believe she NEVER does anything helpful or nice, acknowledge when she does.

I think that's a very valid point Graphista.

I think it's very easy to spiral downwards in these situations and focus on the bad and forget the good.

I'm coming at this from the mum of three adult kids who is also a teacher of mainly year 11 students.

Firstly, I would have taken a bullet for each of my kids in a heartbeat but there were times in their mid teens when I didn't like them. Doesn't matter, because in those rough phases I still loved them unconditionally.

Secondly, the top set year 11s that I teach are a walk in the park. Lapping up their Shakespeare, completing extension tasks, on course for straight A's (or the new equivalent) next August. Great. The lower sets are a challenge, many struggle, are disengaged, have behaviour issues, various barriers to learning. They will, if I engage them, inspire them, and teach them, walk out of school next summer scraping a C grade. Those are the kids that make my job worthwhile. Those are the ones who I'm most proud of.

It's easy to teach bright kids. It's easy to parent 'easy' kids.
As a parent you do not have the luxury of choosing to parent!

She's your SD, she is entitled to live in her father's home. You are entitled to be exasperated with her, but every day she should feel loved and valued by both of you. You seem to be taking on the lion's share of the parenting issues here. Why? Does her dad see things differently? Or is he not as involved as he should be?

It is glaringly obvious to anyone reading, that this girl is dealing with rejection from her own mum, that anger is fueling her reticence to reconnect with her mum. She will of course, along with all the usual teen angst, be feeling hurt and unwanted. She is very probably jealous of her step sister, because she lives with her mum.

She needs encouragement to seek help with her MH issues. Your early comment about her not going to an appt. was 'make of that what you will' which sounds extremely dismissive. What I make of it is that she doesn't feel worth help. This needs to change.

Her father either needs to step up, or you need to back off.
The worst thing you can do is try to instigate her moving back to her mum's, because she will feel, yet again, unwanted and unloved.

Please stop assuming that your little girl will turn into a dream teen because of the way you are bringing her up. It is at best naive, and at worst offensive to all the parents who stick by their kids, day in day out, who feel they are to blame. Sometimes it really is about where the dice falls.

Finally, please remember love is a verb. You don't need money to love her.

Very good post carry

Sorry but YABU. She's 16 years old. What she needs is bloody good cuddle. And trust me. I'm no do gooder. Its hardly surprising she's creating. Can you imagine being In wanted in both houses. Plus where would she go. She couldn't claim HB and surely you wouldn't see her on the streets.
Also How dare say imply children turn out bad because they don't come from a happy conventional 2.4 family.
You sound like a right judgemental snob. Don't brag or be smug. Karma doesn't like it.
Your own dd has got to get to 16,;yet. She won't stay a Saint forever

As a mum of a 21 year old and an 18 year old boy I can only offer this advice. My younger son was a tearaway between 14 and 16. He really gave us the runaround and was horrible to live with. What really worked for us was finding a way to build a relationship with him and spend more time with him. this didn't happen overnight ( as he was very reluctant) but gradually he opened up more, felt more loved and gradually turned his life around. I know this is your sd but maybe if you can concentrate on both you and Dh finding some common ground and giving her time then it will help her to trust you both. I would let her mum work on her herself and keep out of that relationship which is clearly very broken down. At least this way she may begin to feel safe and secure. everyone needs that.

Eats - I've struggled to do that myself, nobody is saying it's easy, we are saying this child is at a turning point and needs support not condemnation.

I find it heartbreaking that after 10 years as her stepmother and 4 years raing her, you still consider her 'someone else's child'.

I wouldn't consider throwing my one eyed rescue cat out, despite the fact that for some reason she decided to repeatedly pee on blanket/duvet I happened to be sitting/sleeping under for the whole 9 months of my pregnancy. I didn't like it, but I accepted the cat had issues and we worked through them.

I also have a daughter who has some very challenging behaviour and I would never consider deserting her. It can be exhausting, but that's when they need us the most.

My mother (who is bipolar) decided she couldn't live with another person when I was 15 and made me leave (family friends took me in with payment). Even though living with her and her illness was not always easy (and I was a teenager, so I'm sure I could be a pain) It crushed me. Outwardly I was very resilient, and we have rebuilt our relationship, but the rejection still hurts. I would never do that to a child.