Leave House to brother or DCs

[HouseDilema]

I've name changed for this as I don't want to be identified, post may be a little vague because of that.

DH and I own 2 properties, one is a very nice House in a lovely area just outside of London, the other is a cottage by the beach that we rent out throughout the year.

I have a brother, who's 15 years my junior and who has ASD and DCs ranging from 15-25.

Until recently DH and I had our Will set up so that DB would inherit the cottage and DCs the family home to sell off and split, however we've now changed our minds for a number of reasons, including the governments current attitude towards the disabled.

We want to give DB our family home for the rest of his life, he's currently in his 30s with the mental age of an early teen, he can't live alone and he'll need care for the rest of his life. To fund the help that he will need, we have decided to keep the cottage for him as well so that he'll always have a income.

The new Will states that now we shall be leaving DB both properties and once he passes, the DCs can inherit both.

DH and I thought the best approach was to tell everyone and make our position very clear. It didn't go down very well, especially not with our eldest who's only 10 years younger then DB.

I don't think I am being unreasonable but I can see that their attitude really hurt DH. I understand the current housing climate but they are not the ones with the greater need.

Actually that's another good point. What if you/dh for prematurely? What would your children do then?

your db needs a council place. If anything goes wrong with one of your houses, he will be the one having to maintain it and pay for anything that goes wrong. He needs supported housing, not to have all the responsibility of two houses. You wont be doing him any favours.

The new Will states that now we shall be leaving DB both properties and once he passes, the DCs can inherit both

If the houses become inappropriate for your brother or if he needs a nursing home in his old age, he'll have to sell the houses and your DCs will get nothing.

IMO it makes more sense to leave the large family home to the DCs, and leave the cottage to the DB, NOT to live in, but to rent out for income, ONLY if you have checked out whether that will end up with him actually losing benefits and services.

I am sure the lawyer is happy to set up this trust for you, and will happily manage your sons affairs for you, for a hefty fee. He must have thought Christmas came early to his firm, when you walked in the door.

A friend of mine had a similar situation where her DH stepfather had the right to stay in the family home until he died and then her DH would inherit it. However, the stepfather had a child with a much younger woman, and that child had the right to be housed beyond when FIL died.

It cost an absolute fortune to sort it all out legally. It isn't impossible your brother could father a child is it?

How do you know that your dc will lead long happy lives without illness or disabilities and will always be able to earn their keep?

Sorry I think your own DCs should come before siblings disabled or not. They are your immediate core family unit now. Leaving DB the cottage is beyond generous enough in itself but to leave him your family home as well is a real slap in the face to your DCs imo . I'm sorry. Also as others have said if ever your DB needs care your generous inheritance to him will be swallowed up by the local authority over a decade or so of him needing it. Also your DCs could challenge it if any still of dependant age at the time.

All these questions and scenarios strangers on the internet are thinking about surely must have gone through your head while you were deciding this I get your brother is vulnerable and I get you want him to be ok but 2 properties for 1 man with special needs is to much for him to cope with imo and you are expecting your children to go along with it

The new Will states that now we shall be leaving DB both properties and once he passes, the DCs can inherit both.

This bit confuses me. You cannot ensure in your will that your DCs inherit the properties after your DB's death if he inherits them after your death. Those properties would become his estate. For your children to inherit, your DB would need a will that stated the properties would be left to your DC, surely.

And the point pp make about unexpected death also stands. You go out with your DH next week and get run over by a bus, your 15 year old is rendered homeless with no money or assets.

That you have not considered that is pretty astonishing.

I think you are being so kind and thoughtful. But, inheritance and money can cause huge issues in families. Arguments, resentment, jealousy, mistrust. (I've been there, can you tell?)
If you passed when your dc were still young adults, they may well resent your db rather than being a source of support for him,
I think it needs another coat of thinking.

We need more details OP.
Who will care for DB in that event?
Who will manage his finances etc.

I can see why your DC are hurt.

Whatever you end up doing you need to get dc on board with. You want them to want to help him, not resent him and ignore him.

I think you are out of order. You are effectively playing God and are deciding that your brother is more important to you than your children. You don't know what the future will bring for them. Maybe they will become disabled, or have a disabled child. But they won't get any help from you, because you decided they were not that important to you.

I find it amazing when parents treat their children like this. It's one thing if the children have been extremely nasty, such as raping or murdering a parent, but if they've basically done nothing wrong then why treat them like they are unimportant and inconvenient wastes of space?

Be VERY careful about what you do. Have a really hard think: is it worth destroying your relationship with your children over this? Frankly if I were in their situation I would say to hell with you, don't come asking for MY help when you need it as you get older.

Do you really want your children to struggle until they reach old age and your brother finally dies? He's only ten years older than your eldest, perhaps he will outlive him.

Your brother is not your responsibility. But your children are. You are being nasty, vindictive and mean. Shame on you.

A solicitor/lawyer is NOT a disability benefits expert!

You could really fuck things up for your brother with this situation (which I suspect is mainly to make you feel good more than anything else)

It could cause so many problems for him, here's just a few:

• people could take advantage/financially abuse him like moving in rent free etc
• it could affect his care funding
• it could reduce his options, he MIGHT be much happier in a shared home for people with similar needs, he won't be offered that if he has use of two houses
• it could affect his benefits
• he could self neglect by being overwhelmed by rattling around in a whole house

That's just off the top of my head, but I'm sure there's more, go on the SN boards, lots of people on there will explain how being included in a will can fuck a lot of things up for someone with SN

Another issue: if your DB ISN'T living in it but isn't dead, (he might want to move, he might need wardened housing etc or nursing home) will it remain empty and neglected or will your DCs have to maintain a house they can't use?

You cannot ensure in your will that your DCs inherit the properties after your DB's death if he inherits them after your death.

You can, using a reversionary trust, but that doesn't solve the problem of who is going to manage the houses/funds.

Basically you have just done a great job of alienating your children from their uncle, and possible even yourself.

Why don't you trust them to make provision for their uncle if something happens to you? Are they horrid? If not your lack of faith in them is quite insulting.

We older people have lived in fortunate times. The chances of our children owning one house, let alone two, are much lower than ours were. Personally I think we have a duty to help our children out by passing on whatever we have managed to accumulate. You are disadvantaging your own children.

This is just such a strange thing to do I can't actually believe it's real!

If it's true, your poor children. No wonder they're pissed off with you-you seem to care more about your brother than them!

And you could actually be putting your brother at a disasvantage-why on earth would a disabled single man want to live in a 5? bed house by himself? He won't be able to manage the upkeep and with such large assets wont be eligible for ss help. The whole thing sounds crazy. You would be better getting him into supported accommodation whilst you're alive and setting up support systems for him rather than keaving him 2 houses which he will be totally unable to manage!

I was just coming back to say your brother might not want to live in your house either of them you don't say where he lives now but he might be settled and happy he might need specialist housing as he ages I know he is only 35 but he might not cope moving

There are some disturbing individuals on this thread...

I also think that neither of your houses sound like idea environments for someone like your brother from what you've said.

So it would be much better for him if you left him the cottage to own outright (no trusts etc) so it could be sold to buy him into a wardon controlled flat or some other similar home that would suit him far better than either of your houses.

If the houses are in trust then everyone stuck with them till DB dies - the houses might not suit anyone, but nobody will be free to sell them!

Then your DCs can have the family home between them to do what they want/need with them, who knows, one of your DCs might have a DC of their own with additional needs, and being able to actualy sell their inherited house means that they could adapt a more suitable home for them

Honestly my post was vague for a reason.

Their are provisions in place in case we die tomorrow, it is all in a trust with a solicitor acting as a Trustee.

The only decent point anyone has made throughout this is that I may be making it difficult for DB to access help he may need, which I shall now be looking into.

Leaving a House to a child is not a right, it is a gift one we have chosen to not give. The correct attitude is to say okay and move on. We have massively helped DCs out financially, we are not spiteful or disowning them in anyway, the way some of you have suggested, we do plan to help them as much as we can throughout our lives but in death they shall not immediely inherit our property.

Thank you to everyone who was lovely on this thread, some good points were raised that we shall now be looking into so I don't regret posting.

You know when everyone on a thread says you are wrong, the likelihood is that you are wrong. Seriously.

So many questions running through my head. (I am a solicitor too!)

Where does DB live currently and who cares for him?

Is it your DB or DH's DB?

Are your parents still alive? Won't they be making provision for him?

Who is in your Will as guardian of your 15 year old were you and DH to die today? What provisions are there for his maintenance/living arrangements and education? Although you mention the kids are 15-25 are any others also under 18?

Are the DC yours and your D's as it seems very strange that you would not provide adequately for your minor children but for a DB who although older is in effect a minor?

If DB is only 35 years there is a strong possibility that he may even outlive the DC and then they never inherit.

What funds are available for someone to run DB's affairs (ie. a professional Trustee)?

Are you actually one of the DC?

You could end up with your children homeless as suggested, through accident or illness, or your grandchildren not being able to get on the housing ladder at all.

The govt could change the regulations at any point and your house could be sold to pay for his care. If he owns a property then it would be sold. How would he manage the bills? Are you expecting your chikdren to keep an eye on the paperwork? Why on Earth would they?

The correct attitude is to say okay and move on. The correct thing is not to police other people's emotions.

And you do sound cold about your children. I'm sure you love and care about them but if it seems like that to a random on the internet, do you think they might be feeling that too?