Leave House to brother or DCs

[HouseDilema]

I've name changed for this as I don't want to be identified, post may be a little vague because of that.

DH and I own 2 properties, one is a very nice House in a lovely area just outside of London, the other is a cottage by the beach that we rent out throughout the year.

I have a brother, who's 15 years my junior and who has ASD and DCs ranging from 15-25.

Until recently DH and I had our Will set up so that DB would inherit the cottage and DCs the family home to sell off and split, however we've now changed our minds for a number of reasons, including the governments current attitude towards the disabled.

We want to give DB our family home for the rest of his life, he's currently in his 30s with the mental age of an early teen, he can't live alone and he'll need care for the rest of his life. To fund the help that he will need, we have decided to keep the cottage for him as well so that he'll always have a income.

The new Will states that now we shall be leaving DB both properties and once he passes, the DCs can inherit both.

DH and I thought the best approach was to tell everyone and make our position very clear. It didn't go down very well, especially not with our eldest who's only 10 years younger then DB.

I don't think I am being unreasonable but I can see that their attitude really hurt DH. I understand the current housing climate but they are not the ones with the greater need.

I suspect the op has inherited from her parents, because she is the only sibling who is able to hold property. Possibly on the understanding she provides for her brother. Hence the intention to leave him the second house, bought perhaps with that inheritance.
A few years pass and she's got cold feet and is worried he will be left unprovided for and feels guilty.
All a bit of a mess.

I totally admire your reasons for leaving the properties to your db. However, is there a third option that spread the inheritance out more evenly? Does your db need a house in London? Would a flat in some serviced accommodation be an alternative option? Or leave both properties to be sold and the proceeds split across db and your DC. With maybe a slightly larger cut going to db. It's a hard one as I know children have no 'right' to inheritance but I imagine it's a hard pill to swallow, no matter how gracious and understanding your DC try to be.

I agree Northernlurker, it'll be something like that, this awful trust set up is more about the OPs feelings about dying and leaving a SN brother behind than it is about what he actually needs/what will work best for him!

Why don't you take out a specific life insurance that will be left for your DBs care instead? And leave the rest your usual estate to your DC? Are you appointing one of them to take care of your DB and his finances in the future?

Tbh, the idea sounds completely stupid and i'll tell you why.

My grandad was given bad advice to leave everything to my gran, only my gran had a stroke about 20 years before and no capacity for understanding and rational thinking. My GD died first, handing over control of assets to my gran, who was in a home and couldn't make any decisions. Cue a long hard battle for mum to save what assets my gran had.

You could be opening up a heap of trouble for your DC and DB after you died.

OP - the problem as far as I can see it (other than the fact there are practical implications you haven't thought about re your DB accessing care/who looks after the house, what happens if you die but your DH doesn't and then meets someone else/wants to sell the house/needs care himself etc), is that you have approached this from a very practical point of view - you see your DB having much more need to be looked after long term after you ahve died than your DCs, and as such, have decided that it should be your responsibility to meet that need, so have made your will in that way.

What you haven't considered is that your will isn't just about practical decisions, but also emotional - this is your last statement to your family and loved ones about your priorities - and your will tells your DCs that they are ranked as considerably less important their Uncle. Be honest, in their lives so far, have they had to come second behind your DB's needs? Have they before had to accept they can't do X because of their Uncle... Couldn't go to Y because of their Uncle.. Mum couldn't join them at Z because of Uncle...

It could be you have felt you have been teaching them that it's important to care for the most needy member of the family, could it be rather you have been teaching them they aren't as important, and now it feels like a final occasion where they are being shown you care about them less than your brother.

If your DCs resent your DB, you might well be causing your DB's life to be harder, not easier by your decision. If your DCs have got to the stage of resenting him, it's unlikely they'll step up to look after his best interests if anything happens to you, you are probably putting him in a very vunerable position, too rich for social services to step in, with no family to care for him.

Think about the emotions, not just practial decisions when drawing up your will. Not just who needs the money, but what message you want to leave to your loved ones.

Agree Acuse.
And there are many ways to love your children without showering them with money. I think those of you stating that OP doesn't love her children are being unnecessarily harsh.
It's not like she's leaving it all to a dog or something with no chance of it ever going to DC's. This is a close family member in serious need.

if there is autism, then theres a higher than usual chance that one or more of your future grandchildren would have it too. I think youre not being forward thinkng at all to think it will all stop with your db.

Have your children done something bad to make you want to disinherit them?

Your brothers need is greater, he is far more vulnerable and presumably there is someone organised as administrator.

Does someone have PoA over your Db? If you are leaving him two properties outright how sure are you that someone isnt going to influence you db and fleece the 2 houses out of him? Its maybe improbable given the amount of scams direct at vulnerable people perhaps not so improbablebut not impossible. Your dc/db end up with nothing. For instance would your db have capacity to make his own Will up and leave the properties to someone else?

I do see where you are coming from, OP, but I also think your plan is a bit shortsighted. And i totally see where your Dc are coming from. Various points I'd like to make. You do not know what the future holds for your children. People do become ill and disabled, and unable to earn. From what you've said, it sounds like these are 2 high value properties. You could easily share them amongst the Dc and your brother.

I'm not too sure where you get the dislike of social services and strangers from - but in fact your brother might be better off receiving the value of a small flat and getting help from professionals with personal care etc. Most social care professionals are very good IME. As in any profession there are some bad eggs but somebody will need to care for him, and it's unlikely to be his nephews/nieces, is it. If your brother owns a property, he would need to deal with regular upkeep. He might be better in a rented place as he's be eligible for more help that way.

I know the current political climate is very worrying ( I have 2 DC with additional support needs) - but it won't all last for ever, or so I like to think.

I think you need more information before you settle on this plan. CAB, specialist lawyers, can't think of anyone else, and I am not in England so not necessarily helpful.

Your brothers need is greater
In what way does the OP's set up meet the DBs needs?

Don't underestimate what social services will do if your brother is alone in a big house without any help in the future OP. I've sat in on all of my sister's reviews when have sometimes discussed what will happen when my parents die (they are in their nineties, so realistically fairly soon).

The social worker chairing the meeting said 'oh, if she is staying here alone it will be nice for her to rent out some rooms to other disabled people so she can have company'. My sister would absolutely hate this, but if I wasn't alive to advocate for kind of situation is certainly one she could be pressured into.

The correct attitude is to say okay and move on

If that is what you have already decided, why are you posting to ask if you are unreasonable?

The only decent point anyone has made throughout this is that I may be making it difficult for DB to access help he may need, which I shall now be looking into.

I am so shocked, OP, that you were given legal advise on the decision you have made.

My husband and I have a disabled son with ASD and every legal and disability expert we have consulted has advised us NOT to leave him our family home (let alone two). I will not repeat the reasons why in full, but surely you can see that to "burden" your brother with two properties, that he HAS to leave in and CANNOT sell? Do you also not realise that with properties he will not be entitled to help towards living in supported accomodation (which he may or may not want, that is for him to decide) and won't be able to sell the houses to finance this himself. Your child may well find themselves alienated from their uncle because of this decision too. And you will make your vulnerable brother even more vulnerable to the ruthlessness of others, and may take advantage of him financially. As a lesser example of this our son had his money stolen by someone who took advantage of his vulnerability, and legally we could do nothing to get it back because he had given in willingly (well he was told to give it and happily agreed, as he happily agrees to anything). How would anyone be able to stop someone moving into the property with him and taking advantage, what if he physically needed someone to move in and support him. Oh please, OP, through your kind heart you could potentially create so many difficulties, the very opposite of what you indeed.

Prior to your decision, what was your children's relationship like with their uncle? Could they not, with appropriate legal support, manage a trust fund for their uncle? This is what my children are going to do. Our assets are divided equally, but my disabled son's to go into a trust fund managed by his siblings, who although will happily have their brother live with them, would equally be supportive should be decide he wanted to live in supported lodgings. If you feel your children could not, or not want to (and who could blame them now) manage the trust fund then have it done by purely legal and professional means.

I feel for your children of course, as many here have said. But that is not the point of my post. I find your decision heartbreaking for them, but that is your decision of course.

But actually think the person who would suffer the most in the circumstance you have created is your brother himself.

Obviously we are in somewhat different circumstances, but really OP your decision goes against what every disability and legal expert have advised us.

I think there are details you obviously need to think through and maybe adjust - the financial effects on your DB as others have mentioned.
But ultimately I am with you in your thinking.

My view of leaving inheritance is leave it to those who need it most. It sounds as if your children have had a good comfortable life and will always be able to rely on you financially until they are set up and earning for themselves. Everyone needs to make their own financial arrangements through life assuming they have no special circumstances, an inheritance is as you say a bonus not a right.

You DB will always be a vulnerable person who will always need care - I totally understand how you feel about this. I had a DB with cerebral palsy - severely disabled - I loved him dearly and spent a huge amount of time worrying about his care and his future after my parents died.

As it happened he sadly died before it became an issue. But I would certainly have put his needs and care above those of my children if it had come to that, My children are quite able to look after themselves, they neither need nor want my help. In fact they both urge me not to save any money for them to inherit but to use it on myself while I am alive.
If my parents had decided to leave everything they owned in order to provide care for my brother I would have thought that was absolutely the right thing to do (and it was in fact discussed and me and both my sisters were totally in favour of it).

It's not to do with how much you love people or who you love more, it's to do with who has the greatest need. I don't think people can understand the fear of your sibling being left uncared for and vulnerable or living in circumstances which would not suit him or would make him unhappy unless they have been in your shoes.

Leaving a House to a child is not a right, it is a gift one we have chosen to not give.

I think gifts not given are often the most hurtful ones for children to accept.

It seems massively unfair that their uncle should favoured with no less than TWO properties.

Dont be surprised if they start pulling away from you emotionally in the coming years, in their quest to stand on their own two feet and not be dependent on you. They may have to make sacrifices too. Take that job on the other side of the world without hesitation and without family bonds to keep them, etc. Because whether you want to or not, you are drawing a wedge between you and your dc.

It sounds like you have made similar arrangements to my family Angel. Our solicitor and accountant are happy with what we have arranged.

i'm a firm believer that no one is owed an inheritance and it's silly to get upset about it.
my dad disinherited me in favour of his girlfriend who is my age. so i am on the receiving end. but that that. it's not my money. it never was. and waiting for a loved one to die to get it feels cold and awful. so op yanbu to leave ur stuff to who ever u like.

however good points have been raised. how will he cope in what we can assume is a large house on his own? he presumably will need someone to manage bills etc for him, plus the rental of the other property, u say a solicitor will but that will cost, where does that money come from?
if you need care u will have to sell a property to pay for it, how will ur brother fund leaving in the house if the cottage is sold?

in ur position i would speak to your children and ask them to help u come up with a plan that ensures your brothers wellbeing and their happiness.
could u sell the cottage, buy a one bed flat for ur brother then split the sale of the house between every one equally? could this money be invested on behalf of ur brother to generate income, maybe via buying a small property somewhere cheaper and renting it out?

ur children are hurting. if u wish to continue a good relationship with them and wish for them to care for ur brother after you have passed, i'd recommend resolving this with them asap

I agree with you Kurri, we are having to make extended provision for dd2 with ASD. In complete contrast to the poster who said they have not been advised to leave the family home, we have been.
I have no faith in supported accommodation being provided and her being looked after.

To be fair all this may be irrelevant if inheritance tax forces the sale of one or both properties at the time of death.

The other funding comes from the rental income doesn't it? This will be managed by a solicitor.

Still no explanation as to what happens to the 15 year old child should the OP and her DH die tomorrow. He just goes into care does he?

To be honest, other than the OP's wish to ensure her brother is cared for (which is commendable), I cannot see anything sensible, practical or fair about this will.

I think you've made the right decision, and your children are being petulant. Nobody has the right to an inheritance, and your brother's need is greater. He's a vulnerable adult who, as you say, will never have the chance to create his own safety net.

But the OP is creating a safety net with many holes in it. A vulnerable person will be made even more vulnerable by this decision, and of course the OP will not be able to step in and support/protect her brother. This is a decison we have researched in huge depth, but as I said in another post every legal expert, every medical expert and every disability expert advised against leaving our property to our son with ASD and learning difficulties. Sadly you cannot rely on the professionals to support him in his own home at the level he will need, and they will certainly not be able to protect him from the exploitation he may suffer from others.

The sentiment behind the OPs decision is sincere and loving and genuine, but the reality she will unwittingly create for her dear brother is a very difficult future life.