Surely people don't actually do this?

[Rollonbedtime7pm]

Noticed on a lot of threads about husbands and chores that so many people often ask the OP "why are you cooking/washing/cleaning for him?"

AIBU to think not washing your partner's clothes or cooking them dinner when doing your own is just weird?! Do people really operate in a "I look after myself only" kind of way?

I can understand if your DH is totally taking the piss and lets you do everything then maybe you need to rethink the chore sharing but just for the principle of not being a stepford wife?! Or because he's an adult or whatever the weird reason?

We are more like a chain gang than a team, really. Yoked together in domestic tedium, glaring resentfully at each other and secretly scheming how to pass the buck without the overseer catching you.

Well, Morris, I do all the washing and I've kept my own name. Howzat?! Dh always gets up with sick children in the night (I don't do nights or sick) and, actually, he's not too keen on his name either. He's out of the house for 14 hours a day so I think washing his boxer shorts is the least I can do. Guess what? I even pick them up off the floor. We don't actually have any laundry baskets... everyone sort of kicks their stuff into a corner of the bathroom. I'd rather not faff around delving in some big Ali Baba wicker affair. It's easier to sort washing with my feet!

When DH and I started living together 20 odd years ago we just divied up the jobs. As DC arrived and work patterns changed we adjusted them.

I don't understand the need to live like student flat sharers to prove a point.
Another one her who doesn't work, does all the laundry and kept my name on marriage. Is this allowed?

I agree with OP - I do a lunch for everyone in family - my husband works from home - but he does work. He stops for lunch and finds it on 2nd shelf in the fridge. My sister stayed for a week and found the fact that I made him a sandwich bizarre! "He's here, why doesn't make his own?" Because I am making them anyway, so I do 3 - what's the problem? He works in his workshop all day - it is REAL work and he earns real money! (More than I do) Do what's right in your home - I wouldn't feel happy not doing simple things for my husband that are part and parcel of being married!

Insulting the Alligator - You sound well balanced - we should all aspire :-)

Could someone link to a thread on MN where people are saying a man who does his fair share should be expected to do his own laundry / cooking etc?

This thread is so timely. Someone please tell my dh that planning and shopping for ALL food, doing 90% of the laundry (he does sheets and towels), and sorting out ALL dcs extra curricular do dahs plus any childcare issues is not equivalent to DIY + lawn mowing (cos he swears it is....)

I do the cooking, and laundry, always have. However I no longer do ironing, except the odd item so he does his clothing.

He would do the washing but doesn't understand about different types of fabrics and through being helpful early on in our relationship had ruined a new top and my bras so I wash and he hangs up to dry. I prefer it that way.

I wish he could cook but would prefer to have something I can eat, he is OK with something like sausages, baked beans and M&S mash but seems incapable of actually spreading butter on toast without gouging holes in it and leaving lumps of butter randomly clumped, he eats it that way so sees nothing wrong with it. If I am ill he is happy to go and get me whatever I fancy, even late at night.

Cleaning gets done by either of us although I usually clean the kitchen and pet stuff.

He works long hours, I don't.

I was married to my first wife for eight years, mostly very happy ones.

We always did our own laundry.

In our defence, we were flatmates before we started dating, but how we used to laugh at ourselves.

It became a quirky tradition in the end!

I can't imagine doing separate washing. Surely it means more loads to get through, and more places needed to keep it before and after.

We have one laundry bin - me, dh and dd all put clothes in it. Towards the end of the week we (mainly me and dh tbh, dd is a teen but we don't really ask her to sort washing out) will put some loads of washing in of an evening. It just gets stored into wash types - whites, darks etc. - and then goes in the washer. Then it gets dried and either put in a 'to iron' basket or a 'to go away' one. Dh does all the ironing at the weekend, we all put away our own stuff.

I can't imagine sorting it into his whites, his darks, his whatever and then my whites, my darks, etc.

When DH and I were housemates with three other students I did his laundry and everybody's washing up, come to think of it.

Shit. I've been mugged.

once we had children it made sense for me to stay home with them

This may well be true but it didn't come about in a vacuum.

Example: when we had DC it made sense for me to stay at home with them because DH earned more / has greater career prospects / wouldn't have been able to get back to his career path if he'd taken a break / isn't as maternal as I am. Any and all of which are potentially societal rather than personal and therefore patriarchal bullshit.

Does he earn more because he was socialised to pursue a technical/professional/prestigious career while you were pushed towards a caring or flexible career? Or maybe just gender pay gap? Or because you followed him when he moved for work, sacrificing your career in the process?

You know what, in this house, if a job needs doing, the first person to notice it, does it.

So if the washing basket is full, sometimes Dh does it, sometimes I do.

Washing up needs doing, again we take turns.

So yes I have said to Dh "have I got any clean knickers" especially if he was the last person to do the washing

But....but...choosing not to go delving through a man's mucky keks on a regular basis isn't "living like flatmates"..is it?

I must admit to having escaped being yoked together in domestic tedium for many years (good phrase motherinferior) but I can't see the connection between not doing a man's washing or ironing and living totally separate lives?

In my view familiarity breeds contempt to some extent.
For example I like to tweeze my moustache and trowel my make up on in privacy. I don't want to know if the man I wish to consider a sex god has skid marked undies.
Win-win.

My DP says that I don't have to do HIS washing. This means he often does his own washing - taking up all the space on the dryer and leaving everyone else to wait. My view is that if it's in the laundry basket, it is THE washing and whoever is available does the next load. Same with dishwasher.

Making some sort of point about not doing DH's washing to me sounds uneconomical and daft. If washing needs doing and I'm around it's done, likewise dinner, if I'm busy or working, he'll do it, it really is not an issue. Maybe IABU but to me a marriage is a partnership, not for having petty point-scoring and paddywacks and stomping round laughing at DH frantically looking for clean pants in the ironing, incidentally, that it what my sister does, despite her DH working a 12hr day, and her sitting on her fat backside eating sweets, while watching Loose Women, she thinks this is what stand for being a feminist!

Why does each doing their own washing means that you are wasting water and lx? As I said upthread, dh does his own, but he always has a full wash, as do I, if I don't I put in a load of dd's stuff, or towels, sheets etc. DH will top up his wash with teatowels. No waste here, full loads.

Do they say that? I do all jobs in my house. Cooking, cleaning, washing up, laundry, gardening (OH does mow the lawn) walking the dogs, clearing dog poo out the garden. I thought it was normal. Or am I a mug?

Reminds me of friends of the pil's. The man had an affair (fil had to cover for him whilst he was having assignations at lunchtime in the woman's caravan) and thereafter the wife said she would never again touch his underwear. Mil said that the errant dh had to save up his pants and wash them all once he'd got a full load. This went on for 40 years...

Actually he was a right one. At mil's funeral he was giving me the eye and he's 85. Perhaps he thought I looked like a potential pants-washer...

Fellow mug here, Notmuchtosay1

I'm genuinely baffled by the uneconomical argument. Why would I put a half load on? I only put full loads on. As an adult, I know what I've worn, what's dirty, and what will need washing if I'm to wear certain outfits. Taking responsibility for another adults wardrobe admin (which is what laundry is) is as random to me as washing their hair or cutting their toenails. It's a personal job. I don't want DP anywhere near my dirty knickers.

libby today I am feeling very mellow. DH promised me a 'day off' last week. He even brought home an Aldi salmon en croute ready meal!

I'm doing the bulk of weekend duty though- DH has a bad week next week. I shall be less mellow next week!

Is he sitting on his arse while you do everything, notmuchtosay?

I think everyone should just do and be comfortable with what works for them communication is key then there is no resentment
I work part time DH works 11 hours a day so I take the dogs out do the washing cooking cleaning I love to potter in the garden etc he does the bins the food shopping the DIY we are happy it works for us I don't feel oppressed lol

it's surely a bit of a waste of resources to potentially do twice as many washes just because you should apparently do your own.

Why does doing your own washing mean you don't put on a full load?

I have 3 loads a week normally, just on my own.

Since when did putting he bins out become a major chore?????
Jesus I have to drag my bins up and down steps, I'm s single parent and do everything myself.
I work too.
My ex h never had the dcs

Unless you have to drag your bins down a driveway 5 miles long, it really isn't a 'chore'.
I also give 2 huge gardens and do all my own gardening.

I decorate as well
I suppose it's what you are used to.
My mum is a hard worker and I grew up seeing her work full time and do all her own housework and gardening.