Surely people don't actually do this?

[Rollonbedtime7pm]

Noticed on a lot of threads about husbands and chores that so many people often ask the OP "why are you cooking/washing/cleaning for him?"

AIBU to think not washing your partner's clothes or cooking them dinner when doing your own is just weird?! Do people really operate in a "I look after myself only" kind of way?

I can understand if your DH is totally taking the piss and lets you do everything then maybe you need to rethink the chore sharing but just for the principle of not being a stepford wife?! Or because he's an adult or whatever the weird reason?

When i lived with my boys mum I frequently on the washing on, and guess what?

Not only did i launder my own clothes, but I also did the kids clothes, and SHOCK HORROR I also washed her clothes too.

Did I feel oppressed? No, it just seemed like the most efficient way of getting the bloody job done.

I tried he advice to 'stop doing his washing' when my XH refused (yes, refused, point blank) to even manage to get his dirty clothes into the basket. I was expected to trawl through the clothes on the floor to find what was dirty (sniffing, if necessary), and then wash, dry and iron. So I left it. After a week he ran out of shirt.

And I actually feared for my safety with the ranting that ensued. I was told that, as I was a SAHM, it was my 'job' to do his washing (and, incidentally, every other single thing in the house or to do with the children) because he 'went to work'. So I carried on doing his washing...

...and then divorced him. It only works if they can see how unfair it is. If they don't want to change, they won't.

Totally agree that there are multiple ways to divide up chores, just so long as both parties feel it is fair. When my DH and I both worked full time, we split washing and cooking fairly evenly. He cooked more often but I cleaned up, and if we put a wash on of our own clothes, and there was room for more, we'd ask the other if they wanted to add to it. (I'd never want to venture into his laundry basket which he tackled far less often than me!!) However, what tended to cause rows were periodic chores like hoovering, dusting, cleaning bathrooms etc - he hated doing them, did a crap job when he did, and was quite willing to put up with a lot more grime than me. Also had to be nagged to do it, which I hated. In the end, we got a cleaner and whilst I appreciate it's not an option for everyone, it was the only thing that solved the endless round of 'but it needs doing every week', 'no, it doesn't, it's fine like that', 'no, it's not, it's manky', 'well, if you're unhappy with it, then you clean it' nonsense!

DH does his own washing, but he instigated that. It's partly because he doesn't like fabric conditioner and I do.

You do what works for you, others will do what works for them. Handwringing over who is 'right' is total bollocks and a waste of time.

To me it seems odd that adults in a relationship operate in a 'houseshare' kind of a way (you do yours, I'll do mine) but that's because my house doesn't work like that. Doesn't make me right, it just isn't my 'normal'.

Most of what is written on MN needs to be taken with a huge pinch of salt anyway. Like pp's say, I doubt it bears much relation to the poster's reality. Lots of big, blowsy, assertive 'I think', 'I say', 'I do' posts on MN but you meet very few people like that in RL. Over-exaggeration for effect. If as many people actually behaved like lots of MNers say they do in RL, society would be even more dysfunctional than it already is.

I think it's really down to the couple, if you want to do it do it, if uou don't, don't, whatever works for uou. There is no right or wrong answer. Just because one person does it, doesn't mean someone else has to, or vice versa. It's no indication of the strength of a marriage or the state of it,

And I say that as someone who has been with their husband happily for 27 years and lived with him for 24 of those years and yes, still going strong.

I had a friend who looked at me in horror when I told her that I don't pre prep my husbands lunches.
She said ''I do X's lunches everyday' cue her partner 'yep she does, she cooks me lunches everyday'
WELLLL fucking good for you. I stopped doing that when I had a child to take care of, a house and a full time pissing job. Nobody made me pissing lunches!

I think women are often saying that to remind other women of the need for some kind of equality in the domestic sphere, and to remind them that this is a contribution to the household as a whole. There are so, so many cases where it turns out the bloke is working an 8 hour day that brings in ££ but the woman is working a 16 hour day that is less lucrative - and the bloke behaves like this is equal, in part because his dependence on that extra 8 hours of work to work his job isn't ever explict. I have a short rant on the need to 'count' chores as part of waged work that I regularly wheel out in such circumstances. Until we stop hearing on the news that women who work the same hours as men are still doing more around the house, it bears repeating.

I can't imagine living in a family where it's everyone for themselves. It seems so petty like my stroppy kids "I'm not putting that away I didn't get ot out".

Whenever there is a thread about teenagers and lunches someone always pipes up with "why are you making lunches for them" and I just imagine the chaos there would be in my house if allocated us were trying to make our own sandwiches in the morning.

I can't understand it now, but I do have the best DH in the world (imo of course!).
I work longer hours than he does and I'm also pregnant, so he does the majority of the housework and cooking, including putting the washing on (mine as well!). I do help out when I can, but to be fair he's usually done it! We make each other lunch sometimes. It's called being nice to the person you love, and doing something for them.
In a previous relationship however, I did refuse to do the washing up, as it was his only job and he'd leave it until we had no pots left or until muggins here gave in and did it. So, I guess from this point of view, I get why people could become frustrated.

We just have a laundry basket and do washing as it's needed, both of us.
I cook mostly but dh puts the kids to bed so I don't mind and I like cooking but if I don't fancy it I just don't and couldn't care less what he eats cos he's a big boy

We share pretty equally, and don't tend to fight about chores, except my ongoing WHY CAN'T WE HAVE A CLEANER SRSLY moaning, which would benefit him rather than me because he does the worst bits of cleaning, honestly, I'd be doing him a FAVOUR getting a cleaner...

sorry, let me try that again.

We share pretty equally and don't tend to fight about chores, so I don't feel the need to only do 'my' bits. But we've always done separate washing. It never occurred to either of us that the other one would do it, they're clothes that only belong to one person, so it just makes sense in my head that it would be that person's job to wash them.

And we always do a full load of washing each - but if I had a dress that I wanted to wear and hardly any washing of course I'd do his rather than put in a half load and I often do, and he'll often ask me, too.

For towels and stuff they go in together and we do that equally depending on who was closest ot the machine when we realised.

Totally get the argument about both pulling their weight- but isn't it just as simple to take things in turn?

The point on most of the threads where posters suggest the OP stops washing/cooking for her DH is that it is the only way to get him to take 'his' turn. Which is not a situation I would put up with very long, but LTB is not that easy to consider immediately for a lot of people.

I think the people going on about "everyone for themselves" or living like "housemates" are emotionally over reacting, and should read the thread again, not one person said that. Simply as you don't do your husbands laundry doesn't mean it's everyone for themselves or you don't do stuff for one another. That's ridiculous.

Do as you see fit and what works for you, but don't be offensive to others as they do differently to you. It's not ok and as said, how chores are split are not a reflection on someone's marriage. This isn't the 1950s and as working women , working mothers, and wives we can chose the path that's right for us without expecting disdain from women who chose otherwise.

I'm more inclined to agree with OP here.
Dp leaves before me on a morning, in that extra 30 mins I'll put the washing machine on -with whatever is in the baskethe whoever it belongs to, empty the dishwasher and pull something out of the freezer for tea. He is home an hour before me, he will empty the machine onto the clothes horse, make a start on food and run the hoover around the house. Really can't see a problem with this?! I wouldn't not put his clothes in the machine just because he's capable of doing it himself?

I don't get the complete separation of chores at all. It seems uneconomical and very very bad environmentally to do things like cook dinner twice or put on a half load of washing.

I do have the best DH in the world /../I work longer hours than he does and I'm also pregnant, so he does the majority of the housework and cooking, including putting the washing on (mine as well!). I do help out when I can

He of course sounds like a lovely husband, but can you imagine this he other way around? Has anybody ever said that this woman is an amazing wife, as the husband works longer hours, and she does majority of housework, and even puts the laundry on? Of course not. That would be considered the bare fucking minimum she should do. And the husband would be the amazing one if he 'helps out'

It only works if they can see how unfair it is. If they don't want to change, they won't. I do agree with that and fearing for your safety/the onslaught of sulking/verbal abuse if you don't do the work is why many women do end up doing the lion's share.

The problem is not whether women do men's washing, it is why more men don't do the washing (or practically any other repetitive, daily household task you care to mention).

Who is putting on a half load of washing or cooking dinner twice? Can you point out that person? Because I've not seen anyone posting on here saying that and I've certainly pointed out we don't do that.

I stated thatwhen I cook i will cook for him, if he cooks he will cook for me if I want to eat, if I'm not eating he cooks for himself

Seriously, making stuff up is like the people who don't do it posting " I can't believe you do everything for your hubby and he does nothing for you" . At least read the thread and don't make stuff up.

So do those that do all their own washing have separate laundry baskets too? It all seems such a duplication of resources.

All our clothes get thrown in one basket and washed when there is enough of one sort there (darks/lights etc) to do a full load. Who cares if it's mainly his or mainly mine? We are a family, so share responsibilities.

We do our own washing. No half loads, we can each fill the machine in a week and also each have enough clothes to last a week. We share the big bedclothes/towels wash and ds's washing (which again makes one load). That's four loads a week. I've heard many people on mn talking about running a washing machine daily or even more than once a day!!

Sometimes we cook separately if we need to eat at different times and the meal is something quick that you want fresh (grilled fish) but we would cook together if eating together or baking something that can sit around in the pot like bolognese.

I do the washing but I never take the bins out!

It takes 2 minutes to take the bins out once a week but sorting, washing, drying and folding clothes takes hours. You got pawned by your DH.

So many women so defensive because they do their husbands laundry and royally peed off some women don't..,jeez.

Yup, we live like students, we split all chores. We actually secretly hate each other, we have our own money, our marriages are doomed, doomed I tell you, I shall just jog off and do a load for him now, then I'll cook him some dinner, happy days, that's a proper marriage,, 😂

MN has it in for teenagers even more. Woe betide anyone who does a teens laundry or gives them a lift to a party, even worse if it's a DS who will apparently turn into a useless entitled man.
There are four of us in this house when DC are home from uni. We are a family and don't live four separate lives. Some chores we share, some are done by one person.
Surely it makes sense to bung all the darks in if you are doing a wash rather than sort through and reject every sock that belongs to someone else or do people have a laundry basket for each person?

I've never washed DPs clothes. We have separate washing baskets so no arduous separating to contend with. I'd only wash another adults clothes if they were ill or asked me as a special favour.