Surely people don't actually do this?

[Rollonbedtime7pm]

Noticed on a lot of threads about husbands and chores that so many people often ask the OP "why are you cooking/washing/cleaning for him?"

AIBU to think not washing your partner's clothes or cooking them dinner when doing your own is just weird?! Do people really operate in a "I look after myself only" kind of way?

I can understand if your DH is totally taking the piss and lets you do everything then maybe you need to rethink the chore sharing but just for the principle of not being a stepford wife?! Or because he's an adult or whatever the weird reason?

I do sometimes wonder if the way we operate at home is peculiar, because there seem to be a lot of posters here who have such different attitudes to marriage and teamwork. We don't have particular tasks that we do, other than DIY, car, bathroom cleaning and gardening is always DH and admin is always me, because I am quite organised and a perfectionist project manager. All money that comes in is pooled in our joint account so there are no "this is my money, this is DH's money" type arrangements.

Washing, ironing, cooking, cleaning, changing the beds - there are three of us in the house, me and DH both work full time, DS is at sixth form and has a part time job and is out with cadets regularly - so whoever has chance to do the chores will do them. If I am working late DH or DS will cook, DS and DH will put washing on or do the ironing as often as I do. DS changes his bedsheets at least twice a week so he will often strip our bed without us asking so there's a full load in the machine.

I just can't imagine living in a house with my family and just shifting for myself.

Well, I am very happy to divide up the chores in whatever way works. So I do almost all the washing (my choice as I like it done my way!) and DH does stuff like mowing the lawn - a job I'd hate. Main thing is it works out fairly in the long run and one partner isn't taking the mick.

^^^^ this

However, I think the surely most ridiculous thing I ever read on here was someone declaring how she only made her half of the bed, it wasn't her job to do his!!!! What the actual fuck?? Still makes my toes curl that someone could be so stupid.....

We have separate money and rarely eat dinner together either. My friends do all their husbands stuff. Whatever works.

If the laundry and the lawn mowing cancel each other out you must have some acreage! Does he mow the lawn in the winter months?

we all just do what needs doing in the most efficient way, DC included. No-one gets to lounge about on their arse while someone else takes up the slack.

BUT on the other hand we all quite like each other, so if a bit of kindness and helping another person out comes into play, we don't feel like we've somehow been exploited.

There was one that was a simple question about stain removal and someone piped up "why are you doing his washing anyway?"

If both people work, why the wife is doing ALL the washing is a perfectly fair question.

We have a shared laundry basket, but we take it in turns/also share the responsibility of putting the bloody washing on, and we put our own clothes away.

It takes 2 minutes to take the bins out once a week but sorting, washing, drying and folding clothes takes hours.

While I agree doing the bin is 2-5 minutes but hours to do laundry ? Not in my house.
Empty basket into machine - 5 mins
Empty machine and either hang or put in tumble dryer - 10 mins
Empty tumble dryer and or remove from dyer/line. Fold as you go - 5 mins

OK if you iron that takes considerably longer, but washing is no problem.

No damn way would I be trying to get stains out of my partner's shirts.

And no damn way do I consider that his share of the housework is 'helping'.

Well it depends on whether you have a tumble dryer and how many washes a day you do, surely GreenShadow?

Minimising or dismissing the amount of time other women spend on housework just adds to the inequality. There is no way that putting out the bins or mowing the lawn of an average house is the equivalent amount of work as doing the washing no matter how quickly you manage to do washing.

The problem is not whether women do chores for men, or are deemed to spend too much time doing those chores, its that not enough men do their fair share of chores around the house.

I think it's for DH's that do absolutely nothing or expect a round of applause when they make dinner once a month. DH does laundry as often as I do and cooks dinner as often as I do. As well as the rest of the cleaning and childcare. So I have no issue making him food when I make mine or washing his clothes when I was mine because it's reciprocated.... if I was DMIL well, LTB

My friend and her husband have a very odd arrangement. During the week they make their own meals, although the are both home around the same time, then she cooks for both of them at the weekend. They both also do their own laundry.

MrNC lived alone for 10 years before we got a place together, so he is quite fussy about how (his) laundry gets done, so he does his. The kids put their clothes (eventually) in my laundry basket. But either of us will ask the other if there's something they want adding, if we're about to put a load on, or just swipe something.

Both of us will 'progress the washing' as needed, so if there's clothes next to the machine, will put in, washer finished - put in bucket, bucket of wet clothes - hang some up, dry clothes - fold and put on stairs for each person, piles on stairs - take one up with you. Currently have dd5 who wants to be grown up and help with chores, and ds8 who is resistant to having to do anything ever, so keep on nagging him and pointing out I sholdn't have to do everything (and if I'm hacked off, I might not bother buying food he likes...) Apparently MrNC was similar until he hit 18 and realised he'd better learn to look after himself and surroundings if he wanted a girlfriend!

at least on the washing front I think most people fall into two groups

1. people who dump all their washing in a shared washbasket and take turns doing shared loads of washing when there's enough
2. people who have separate washbaskets and each do a load of stuff from their own basket when there's enough

neither is right/wrong - it's just two different ways of collecting washing and probably depends on how many clothes you have/the location of your washbasket ect

Green it is also well known that women usually wastly underestimated the time they spend doing HW and related activities whilst men usually hugely overestimated the time they spend doing those those things.

Washing in our house takes time. One we don't have a tumble drier, two there is at least one wash a day, several at the weekend. So it's not just how it takes but the repetition that makes it a bigger task than putting the bins out (which doesn't take 5mins btw)

Can I ask why MrNC isn't doing the washing for everyone instead if he is so particular about that?

I think it's well known fact that mumsnetters vastly over estimate the amount of time spent on housework, or perhaps they all live in immaculate homes.

No one I know in RL spends that much time on housework- unless you choose to have ten children, endless pets, a small holding, grow all your own veg, bake your own bread daily etc etc I can't understand how housework can take up so much time. (But everyone seems to have plenty of time to list how much time housework takes up ).

My DH LOVES ironing (not really). But he takes ages so I try to do all of my stuff first because otherwise I won't see him for an afternoon while he does everything perfectly. He can do his own work shirts, that's fine, but my stuff just has to be wearable not perfect. Same goes for DS' school shirts.

I very rarely take the bins out.

I never ever do gardening. If I lived on my own I'd live in a flat or a terrace with a back yard.

I can't imagine doing everyone's washing separately, it all goes in the basket and I divide by colour, not by whose it is.

So many times on here I've read something like "well I do the cooking, washing, dusting and hoovering, but it's OK because he takes out the bins, does the lawn and the car maintenance."

I always wonder just how shitty someone's car is that they need to spend any significant time on it.

And as for teenagers, I do think it's reasonable that they are able to operate the washing machine and cook decent basic meals- not doing it all the time but they should certainly be able to do so easily.

I do find it strange that some people do their washing separately but as long as its always full loads then its fine. I have no problem washing OH's clothes though, I'm at home and I know how to do the washing the 'right' way. He usually washes his own work clothes though as he'll come home, shower and put them straight in the machine on a Friday but I'm happy to do it if he asks (unless he's been working at the poo factory, then I won't go anywhere near those clothes)

putting the bins out (which doesn't take 5mins btw) Bins these days isn't just rubbish though. We have to put everything out separately - recycling, food waste, general waste etc. Several different containers to be taken down end of the drive and then (the food waste bin) cleaned afterwards. Actually more than 5 minutes here. But that's by-the-by and not part of the argument.

Again, I don't want to appear to be siding with lazy men, but
"There is no way that putting out the bins or mowing the lawn of an average house is the equivalent amount of work as doing the washing no matter how quickly you manage to do washing."
Ours may not be average, but over the summer, mowing the (large, sloping) lawn takes far longer and is MUCH harder work than sticking a few clothes in a machine. I know which I prefer.

You're right, it would be a bit weird if everyone only ever did their own washing and cooking. It would always be a fight for first turn at the washing machine, what temperature the oven goes on at, and so on.

"Why are you doing his washing for him?" Um, maybe because I'm doing half a load of my own stuff and from an economical and ecological point of view, not to mention common sense and politeness, I may has well do his too?

You're right, it would be a bit weird if everyone only ever did their own washing and cooking. It would always be a fight for first turn at the washing machine, what temperature the oven goes on at, and so on.

Rhoda I'm intrigued by your acquaintance who doesn't work or do any household jobs except care for the children.
Does her husband share his salary equally or does he just pay her a live-in nanny's wage?