To ask if you mind being addressed by your husbands initial?

[Zaratall]

In the process of buying a house and have just received some documentation.

I kept my own name when I got married so my name is Ms Zara Tall.

I've found that this has caused much confusion when dealing with anything official. People can't grasp that I'm a married Ms. So this latter has been addressed to Mrs Zara Tall and Mr My Husband. No biggie.

However the vendors have been named as Mr and Mrs Mansname Vendors.

I can't believe in this day and age people are still leaving women's names off official documentation concerning them.

Do you mind this?

"can therefore not only care about little things and big things simultaneously but also have sufficient imagination to be able to see how all the myriad little things can actually add up to one giant thing..."

As somebody said, you think it's a tiny leak you can easily ignore, just little drips. Then suddenly you find yourself thinking "Fucking hell, where did that great brimming bucket come from?"

"Am I allowed to say that I don't bat an eyelid at it"

Of course you're allowed to say it. Who's going to stop you?

I use this if eg sending a Christmas card to my mum. She doesn't mind; it's a way of keeping my late Dad with us in the present, if that makes sense.

Totally agree mousehole

*"It saddens me that so many people on this thread don't mind. Surely in 2016 all women believe they are equal to men? So why shouldn't this be reflected in how they are addressed? The patriarchy really is very ingrained in some people."

Sorry, I seriously do not feel less equal to my husband if I am addressed as Mr and Mrs 'initial' 'surname'.

Nope, me neither.

Nor me! If it bothers you then tell people to stop addressing you that way. It doesn't bother me and if that saddens you, I'm very sorry to be the source of your sadness.

It drives me fucking mad, but the only person who does it to me is DH's Grandma and I'm not taking her up on it.

I completely agree with Mousehole. I cannot comprehend how any woman is ok with being seen as and treated as a non-person and totally insignificant in comparison to the man. I'm sure these women will argue until they are blue hat they have self respect but I don't see how that is possible.

Similar situation recently which made me cross -

We are selling a house, a house I owned originally although we are now married and the house is in joint names.
I filled in the paper work and it had 'vendor 1' and 'vendor 2' - I put myself as 1 and my husband as 2.

When paperwork started coming through it was all dh name first, him down as 1 and his email first in a list.

Right royally pissed me off so went in and raised the point and receptionist said 'we always put the man first' and she really didn't see the issue that they always put the man first because he is a man!

Am shocked reading posts here that people think that is okay - that a choice is being made dependent only on who has a penis!
I wouldn't have minded so much if it wasn't that they actually looked at how I had filled it in and decided that wasn't okay what with me being a woman and so disregarded our choice on who was in the number 1 spot.

Goodness knows what they do if it is a all female couple.

As somebody said, you think it's a tiny leak you can easily ignore, just little drips. Then suddenly you find yourself thinking "Fucking hell, where did that great brimming bucket come from?"

I love this Bertrand

It's just etiquette/a convention. As is the woman changing her name on marriage. You don't have to do that if you don't want to...but I think it's a bit strange to accept most of the convention (and be Mrs) and be so offended by the other. Bit like curtsying to the Queen but then refusing to call her "Your Majesty" because it implies subservience.

Doesn't bother me in the slightest.

Hate it. It's my bloody salary paying that mortgage. if that's good enough for the bank then it should also be ok for them to acknowledge me as a person, and not to address everything to 'Mr John Smith and whoever his wife happens to be'

I cannot comprehend how any woman is ok with being seen as and treated as a non-person and totally insignificant in comparison to the man. I'm sure these women will argue until they are blue hat they have self respect but I don't see how that is possible.

Fucking hell, who said they were ok with being a non person? Massive eye roll. This doesn't bother me and I am absolutely not completely insignificant compared to my husband because of the way I'm addressed on a letter. Do you know what really does bother me though? Bitchy comments along the lines of "I'm right, you're wrong and if you disagree with me you have no respect for yourself". Yet again women who think they are fighting the patriarchy are actually just shitting all over the opinions of OTHER WOMEN. Have a fucking word with yourselves.

I think it is not having a choice, I wanted to change my name but I dont want to come second to my husband. I had the choice over my name but I do not want people putting me second just because I am the woman. That's not my choice.

"Bitchy comments along the lines of "I'm right, you're wrong and if you disagree with me you have no respect for yourself". Actually as far as I can see, the only posts saying anything at all like that are from the non patriarchy fighting side...

I mind. I might have taken his surname when we married but I am still my own person and not just an extension of him. No longer having my own first name (on documents etc) makes me feel almost as though I'm no longer an actual person.

It's just etiquette/a convention. As is the woman changing her name on marriage. You don't have to do that if you don't want to...but I think it's a bit strange to accept most of the convention (and be Mrs) and be so offended by the other.

When I chose to change my name to match my husband's surname, that became my name. I did not take his first name.

It's completely sexist. If I ever get married I'd obviously keep my surname (and in fact would prefer my hypothetical fiancé to take mine), if this happened I'd be pretty annoyed and take it up with whoever wrote the letter. Fair enough if individual women don't mind, that's up to them, but it's clearly sexist and saying the man is the decision maker, and takes precedence over the woman.

Marriage should be a partnership not an automatic man then woman.
Deep rooted sexist behaviour that I hope changes in my lifetime.

bertrand

Quote one such comment from the 'non patriarchy fighting side'. I already did in my previous post.

I thought etiquette was about being polite? But calling someone by someone's else's name is downright rude. There's no way around the fact that it ignores the name and personhood of the woman being addressed, and that's really bloody rude.

Fair enough if individual women don't mind, that's up to them

THANK YOU!

It's up to me what I care about, thanks a million.

GRRRRR. It is unbelievable this still happens. I kept my own surname but DH's family still send cards with Mr and Mrs ___. I once received a card from my side's friend calling me Mrs his initial his surname and went ballistic. Someone once called at the door asking to speak to the 'Head of the Family" and got the full-on passive aggressive me. It's 2016 and I'm not my husband's chattel. Deal with it.

In this scenario, 'etiquette' = sexist trash that should have been dispensed with years ago. It's not polite, or correct, or we'll mannered. It's just sexist.

KlingybunFistelvase I don't see why you gave a sarcastic response, I was just posting what I feel and making it clear I don't expect everyone to agree. From what I can tell it's those posting "it doesn't bother me" who are dismissing anyone who is bothered by something so blatantly sexist.

Also women who campaigned for the right to vote were opposed by plenty of women, so you could say they were "shitting all over the opinions of other women".