IABU... how to reign in jealousy? Posh wedding.

[OleanderTea]

We manage. We have enough for the bills, and the kids' clothes, and a bit set aside for emergencies. We're far north, so costs are lower but salaries are too. Life is just managing. No treats. No holidays - a couple in the UK, but nothing abroad for over 15 years. No payrise since the mid 00s and we've had four redundancies between us. We just... manage.

Some family members of mine. The amount they spend is, to me, eye-openingly astonishing. Multiple long-haul holidays a year. Bags of designer clothes and bags and shoes. You name it, they by it - they buy 10! Lots of money for luxuries, cars for the kids, expensive trips. They don't have typically wealthy occupations but don't seem to use credit, so I'm not really sure where it comes from. I don't ask. We're not really close enough for me to ask.

There's a wedding. London. Far from us. We're going, but... I'm just finding it hard. The amounts they want to spend on a single guest dress is twice our mortgage. The cost of the photographer is about 4 times our mortgage. The honeymoon will cost a third of what our house does. The money on show is making me so uncomfortable. I'll be holding a mere glass I could never afford, drinking something that probably cost than my monthly salary, talking to people whose eyeshadow probably costs more than my outfit. It's all getting so lavish and bordering on preposterous, amounts I've never heard people be so casual about - £500 on this, £900 on that, oh, an extra £750 for that - and I am going to feel so poor, so out of place, so... well. Yeah. Poor. I'm already struggling to join in with any wedding chat, because I'm trying to keep a neutral expression at some of the costs being stated. Money really is NO object!

It's not their fault. It's not ours. It's just the way things are, and I don't know how to get over the discomfort.

I can't really get out of it - simply not going isn't an option, even if it's what I want to do. I need to try and put my feelings aside and just sit there drinking my gold dust and trying not to compare.

I'm still finding it irrationally upsetting, though.

Can you push the jealousy aside and try just to spend a day of hopefully enjoying good food and drink, and have fun with people you know? I love weddings anyway and something that had loads of money thrown at it will hopefully be reflected in the experience?

It is hard for you to witness but maybe they're up to their eyeballs in debt and don't know how to get off the cycle they're on now as they can't lose face with people?

How much is the honeymoon.... or your house!!!

"Comparison is the thief of joy" "count your blessings"
OP I totally understand how you feel BUT that's life unfortunately, some people are born into wealth, some are lucky (if you believe in luck), some people have worked hard into careers that pay well, thats life i'm afraid.. Life is indeed unfair but we can't all be the same.

Maybe you can use how you feel as a motivation into doing things you've always wanted to do?

Go along and have a lovely time! My family are a little like this and spend time talking about spending thousands on jewellery, kitchens, even plants. I just smile and think they're batshit crazy. Repeat, "It's all relative..."

Where on earth do they get their money from? What kind of jobs do they have? Has anyone died and left them an inheritance?

If you can't switch off from that side of it, then don't go. A sudden stomach bug can have its uses...

As for the money thing. Everything is relative. There will be people far richer than those getting married, and people with far less material things than you. It's all just numbers.

Ach, just go, eat and drink all the lovely offerings, relax and enjoy it.

Money isn't everything. Me and DP haven't a pot to piss in but we're happy.

What's the €500 or €900 wedding costs for? Wedding with extras add up and those amount aren't huge iykwim.

And are they really designer bags and shoes - some people think anything obviously branded is 'designer'.

What these other people are spending may not be excessive in really to a lot of people. Sounds a little like a green eyed monster. Your writing style is full of dramatics.

If you're going to feel discomfort at this wedding and be mentally calculating costs, then stay home.

I would actually feel really sorry for them rather than jealous - often people who feel the need to spend so much and 'Flash the cash' are doing so because they feel really insecure and lack self esteem
It can be really hard but hey, at least you are in for a day of amazing food and drink! ;)

Well you already know that YABU so...

Personally I would find it mildly amusing and a bit ridiculous to spend that kid of money on what is essentially just a party.
As a guest, however, I would be thrilled! Can you try to get excited about the hopefully great food, good music, beautiful venue etc? It will probably a once in a lifetime experience. And then you go back to your own (hopefully) happy, albeit more stripped down life. Comparing is the enemy of a happy life! You will always lose.

Money can't buy happiness. But you should only go to these people's wedding if you have it in you to put the jealous thoughts aside and wish the couple all the happiness in the world on their special day.

I understand. I've just hit another 'setback' in my personal life that means at least another couple of years living week-to-week. All whilst watching other people's lives just fall into place. Don't get me wrong, most of the things in my life I wouldn't change for the world, but sometimes it's just a bit easy to look over the fence and sigh, as it were. 'Just managing' can become exhausting (especially when you're trying to be positive about the whole damn thing every day). However, you know the people you speak about can't 'help' having money to spend, so just enjoy get very drunk on the expensive bubbly, and just keep thinking what a bloody waste of money it all is for one sodding day .

Go! Enjoy it! Drink too much posh wine and eat a ton of posh food and take a big handbag to slip the cutlery into

Look upon it as research for the society novel that you are going to write one day and make your fortune with.

How on earth do you know what all the different things are costing them?

Just go and enjoy yourself at their expense, feel grateful that you don't have to foot the bill and happy for them that they can afford to do things the way they want to.

That's life isn't it, some people have a lot some don't!

Go along & enjoy some nice food/drink

At the end of the day money really doesn't bring happiness. The £20k dress doesn't make the marriage any happier than a £50 registry office one. They may have naicer photos to look at, but they won't make a crap situation any better.

I have an aunt who is the envy of everyone. Huge country house, villas abroad, jewellery to die for......but she is absolutely miserable. Lots and lots of debt, very unhappy marriage and no one to turn to to share the realities of her life.

Just go and enjoy it. Don't think of the amounts involved.

I am going to a celeb wedding next year. I was dreading it. Everyone will be designer gear, make up done by make up artists etc.

My thinking now is 'fuck it' the groom is a really good friend and he doesn't care what we look like or how much money we have. Neither does his gf. They want us there and I am flattered they asked.

How much is the honeymoon? And the dress?! I find it all quite fascinating.

I think it's hard to just "get over" this sort of feeling though. All you can really do is acknowledge there's no point to feeling envious and move on. For me, I get really green eyed about people with lots of free time. I work full time and have a small child and there is no time for me at all really. I'm afraid I am disgustingly envious of well off retired people and sahm with school age children.

It's a fact of life isn't it, some people have more than others. Everybody is different!

I had the lavish wedding, my sister did not. We are very different people that went very different ways after school and now we have very different lives. That's just how it is

Go along and enjoy the day, have some nice food/drink

I would just go and enjoy myself. Why be jealous that other people are wasting money on expensive eye shadows and dresses. Let them get on with it. It's not what I would spend money on even if I had lots of it but it doesn't bother me that others do.

Because they're talking to OP about it - she actually mentioned the 'wedding chat' in the OP.

I've got to go to something like that. Frankly it's a strain. Yes, I'll get through it and it will be an experience.

I like good food and good company - if that can be found. However, I don't enjoy conspicuous consumption for the sake of it. And I think there's going to be a lot of that.

Plus I think the groom is a tosser and I really don't know whether the bride will be as happy as she thinks she's going to be.

'Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a stalled ox and hatred therewith.'

What does being jealous achieve?

In life someone will always have more or less than you, it's a fact!

Go along, have a nice time

Just go and have as much fun as you can. Think of it as an interesting social experiment and observe the wealthy at a celebration. Make sure that you feel happy with what you wear which will give you confidence. It doesn't have to be expensive.

Don't go if you're not going to be happy for them, just let them know and they can fill the place. MN hates lavish weddings and I'm sure it'll get accused of attention seeking and being an unhappy marriage before long.

Grumpy - we know the costs because they tell us. They're very excited, understandably, and gleefully reel off the lists of things. The venue hire and main outfits are obviously in the many thousands, it's small things like table favours and chair ribbons that are the three-figure costs. Perhaps having the amounts continually babbled on about is what's getting me down. It'd be nicer if they just kept those things to themselves.

Oooh - I genuinely don't know, as like I say, neither their occupations nor their house suggest great wealth at all. They just seem to have a lot of cash in their pockets, and a big desire to tell us how much everything costs. I have often wondered if it's all one big credit card debt, but I think there may have been some canny investments/shares along the way.