IABU... how to reign in jealousy? Posh wedding.

[OleanderTea]

We manage. We have enough for the bills, and the kids' clothes, and a bit set aside for emergencies. We're far north, so costs are lower but salaries are too. Life is just managing. No treats. No holidays - a couple in the UK, but nothing abroad for over 15 years. No payrise since the mid 00s and we've had four redundancies between us. We just... manage.

Some family members of mine. The amount they spend is, to me, eye-openingly astonishing. Multiple long-haul holidays a year. Bags of designer clothes and bags and shoes. You name it, they by it - they buy 10! Lots of money for luxuries, cars for the kids, expensive trips. They don't have typically wealthy occupations but don't seem to use credit, so I'm not really sure where it comes from. I don't ask. We're not really close enough for me to ask.

There's a wedding. London. Far from us. We're going, but... I'm just finding it hard. The amounts they want to spend on a single guest dress is twice our mortgage. The cost of the photographer is about 4 times our mortgage. The honeymoon will cost a third of what our house does. The money on show is making me so uncomfortable. I'll be holding a mere glass I could never afford, drinking something that probably cost than my monthly salary, talking to people whose eyeshadow probably costs more than my outfit. It's all getting so lavish and bordering on preposterous, amounts I've never heard people be so casual about - £500 on this, £900 on that, oh, an extra £750 for that - and I am going to feel so poor, so out of place, so... well. Yeah. Poor. I'm already struggling to join in with any wedding chat, because I'm trying to keep a neutral expression at some of the costs being stated. Money really is NO object!

It's not their fault. It's not ours. It's just the way things are, and I don't know how to get over the discomfort.

I can't really get out of it - simply not going isn't an option, even if it's what I want to do. I need to try and put my feelings aside and just sit there drinking my gold dust and trying not to compare.

I'm still finding it irrationally upsetting, though.

I went to the most vomit-inducingly lavish wedding a few years ago, paid for entirely by the bride's father so she got everything she wanted. The groom got so smashed he slept on his sister's hotel room floor, and the bride spent her wedding night alone...

I realised a while ago, I'm only ever jealous of people I think should be in the same category as me, so I'm not jealous of the NCT friend who's DH is a lot older and on a 7 figure wage for their house and lifestyle which is "lottery win" style to me; but I am a little bit jealous of friends who have been living a similar lifestyle to me, with similar income levels then getting a slightly bigger house or nicer holiday with a bonus...

OP - you think of them as having 'normal' jobs, so it seems like it should be reachable for you, and it's not. (But I guess you've underestimated their wealth/job level).

I tend to try to think why am I jealous and do I want to make life changes. Am I prepared to make the sacrifices to get the 'stuff' I'm jealous of? e.g. Do you want that lifestyle enough to think about relocating your family somewhere where you could both earn more ? Do you want to retrain and give up family time to reach for that? What don't they have that you do have? What have they had to give up over the years you haven't? perhaps think about it that way.

I think your rels would be disappointed if you didn't go to their wedding. They actually sound rather nice -- brash, yes, and a bit show-offy, but also sociable people who want to spread a good time around. You don't know how they came by their money (lottery win? Inheritance? Shorting the market?) but on this occasion you get to partake of it.

You already know YABU, so brownie points to you for self-awareness.

So, toast your newlywed friends with (their expensive) champagne, then boogie down on the dance floor and get the party started. They'll love you for your joie de vivre, not your moolah or lack thereof.

Please do not go to the wedding. Guests should be there to wish the couple well and not to be jealous, not to think ill of them and their choices, not to be judgemental. Also remember much of what they have spent on food/drink/luxuries is so their guests can have a lovely time. As you won't have a lovely time with the offerings, and won't accept them in the spirit they are offered then make your excuses and stay home.

angel, feelings are not black and white. I have been to weddings where I have had very mixed feelings for various reasons, all of which I kept to myself. The OP may well be happy for the bride and groom and wish them well, but is also feeling jealous and sad for herself. Feeling jealous is not something you choose - like other posters said, its a feeling just like any other and its something that must be acknowledged.

Even if you are not christian, have a read of the bible, treating it as a gathering of philosophical sayings. It can be a great help when we get prone to jealousy and envy and so on.

It is harder for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven ...

What this means (to me anyway) is that if your life is spent on consumables, big weddings, luxury goods and all the other things that we all buy if we have loads of money (whatever they are) they lose sight of the important things in life.

You can't pay off death by buying loads of stuff...

You have no need to be jealous. Go along to the wedding, wish them well, and be thankful for all the blessings you have.

Ive been feeling envious myself recently. I really want a detached cottage with four beds and a garden and an outbuilding we can convert to an office, instead of living at close quarters with some difficult neighbours and not really having outside space. I tell myself life would be complete if only I had my dream cottage.

But ... it wouldn't. And yesterday, we were sat around our fire in our lovely kitchen/family room, eating crumpets and tea, and DH pointed out the many blessings we have - warmth, dry, food, good friends, family, beautiful kids, a free and lovely little school down the lane for them to go to where they are thriving and supporting parents two villages away and a lovely doctor in our nearest town who we can see for free on the day of phoning if we have even the slightest health worry. Out of the window we can see the hills with snow on and Christmas is coming.

No more envy.

Lovely post bumps. Can honestly say I don't understand op. Life ca be a big lottery and things can change. At the risk of sounding trite value what you have.

We LOVE grand weddings. In London Dh and I accidentally got in with the international elite. Op you would have died at some of the extravaganzas we attended!

I'm a great believer in the more a wedding costs, the shorter the marriage. Look in charity shops for second hand designer or hit proper outlets for a bargain - my Ghost lbd was only £30! and enjoy someone else's money!

Lovely post Bumps. Thank you.

I'm a great believer in the more a wedding costs, the shorter the marriage.

looking around me, friends who got married very young had less money than those who married later, so statistically the later will live less and have a shorter marriage....

Following your reasoning, I wonder how quickly Will and Kate will divorce.

op well done for noting the pointlessness of your feelings. I too have astonishingly wealthy relatives but luckily have never compared their lives to mine. I also could have been wealthy had I made different choices in life, but I stand by the choices I made because my end goal has been to be happy not wealthy ( not that I would shun wealth or say no to a lottery win).

I would go and enjoy it - its free food and have a nice day out.

You mention that you have kids (hence you're on Mumsnet!) then that in MO is true and genuine wealth; if you can't see that then maybe you are just as materialistic as your relatives.

You mention that you have kids (hence you're on Mumsnet!) then that in MO is true and genuine wealth

Are you trying to win some sort of 'being insensitive to the (many) childless people on Mumsnet' competition? If so, then congrats - that's a pretty strong entry!

Earlier this year I was in Venice, staying in a hostel (it was amazing!).

On the water bus, we passed a line of yachts, moored in a marina. I am willing to bet that the person in the £1,000,000 yacht was looking at the £70,000,000 yacht and feeling inadequate... which is ridiculous!

Shave your pits & legs, paint your toenails, stick serum (Aldi) on your face and hair (apologies if you already do all this stuff-I only do it when absolutely necessary!)... then smile all day and enjoy the food and drink.

You'll feel ace and smiles are infectious.

You cannot buy confidence.

Is there a way you can make some cash to pay for a holiday. I have spent evening and weekends over the last 5 weeks knocking on doors to sign up people to the electoral register. A bit of a post work Slog but will pay for a weeks self catering on the coast.

And try and book an AirBNB so you can relax and book the train well ahead of time so you save.

Yes winter re choices - at same time now dh asked me out I turned down another guy at work. When he found out Dh shook his head and told me I was a hopeless gold digger!

Blimey, sounds a bit OTT!

Have (genuinely - am not a nutter) discovered the antidote to jealousy is generosity of spirit.

Be glad for them to have the money to fritter and wish them the best for the day, and have a ball frittering the money with them without worrying about it for a while.

We are 'managing' too and had a great time at a posh wedding this summer. My clothes were borrowed, our hotel was a tiny one round the corner, generous relatives gave their time to babysit the kids. I had a lovely time drinking amazing champagne and enjoying the luxury life for a while. It was a jolt to earth to return to life but gave the kids a sniff and a squeeze and we were all fine.

You sound like a nice person in an uncomfortable situation. I always say you can't change how you feel but you can change how you behave. So go, pretend it doesn't bother you because what good will it do anyone you showing how uncomfortable you are? You have every right to feel it, but try not to show it. You never know, acting like you are having fun might just mean you actually manage to have some!

Oleander I hear what you are saying but my advice is go and enjoy it and seriously please don't worry about others wealth and what people think of you .I live in the South ( am from the North) and have friends who are very wealthy and friends who will probably never afford a place of their own . DH and I are somewhere in the middle and dont worry about who can afford what anymore . Go along and hope you have a good time and meet people you enjoy the company off .

When I was a kid I had some friends down the road whose family bought the plot of land next to our house, and built a massive great lump of a house on it. It had all the status symbols of the time, which nobody else in the street had - a double garage! A utility room! A playroom!

The scale of it all was very impressive to us kids, but I can remember mutterings by the adults and words like 'flash' being used.

I always wanted to go round to play at their house because in that playroom they had all kinds of luxuries that santa consistently refused to bring me, like a Sindy house, and the My Little Pony Show Stable .

What I could never understand was that they always preferred to come round to play at my house, in my tiny bedroom in our tiny bungalow, with the My Little Pony gypsy caravan that I'd lovingly crafted out of loo roll middles and cardboard and painted myself (thank you, Blue Peter). Once they even had a fight over which of them would buy our house and live in it when they grew up. I found this astonishing! But why, I asked, and all they could reply was because it's nice.

Perplexed, I told my mother about this argument later. I'll never forget her knowing (and rather Alan Bennett) response It's because money can't buy taste, dear.

I was jealous of those friends throughout my childhood, but my mother's words stuck with me, as did the knowledge that despite them seeming to have it all on the surface, they actually envied me some things. This has been a useful life lesson, and I try to remember it when I'm feeling jealous of somebody.

I live in a well-to-do area and there are many people around with big detached houses, German cars and paying school fees.

People here are just people. Happy, lovely, warm, interesting people with their quirks, likes, dislikes, fears and private sorrows. They have money but it doesn't define them. To assume that people are shallow based on where they live or what they spend is pure prejudice.

Turn off their Facebook feed, look for a nice outfit on ebay and have a great time.

How vulgar of them to tell you how much everything costs.

Is there a reason they are so desperate to impress you?

The only people who say money doesn't make you happy are the people with enough money.
I would be happy to have the roof not leaking, enough to pay the bills, a nice holiday each year and new clothes, rather then Charity shop ones.It would make me very happy.

The only people who say money doesn't make you happy are the people with enough money.

I completely disagree, I'm afraid.

I know people with and without money. I can tell you who is happier.