IABU... how to reign in jealousy? Posh wedding.

[OleanderTea]

We manage. We have enough for the bills, and the kids' clothes, and a bit set aside for emergencies. We're far north, so costs are lower but salaries are too. Life is just managing. No treats. No holidays - a couple in the UK, but nothing abroad for over 15 years. No payrise since the mid 00s and we've had four redundancies between us. We just... manage.

Some family members of mine. The amount they spend is, to me, eye-openingly astonishing. Multiple long-haul holidays a year. Bags of designer clothes and bags and shoes. You name it, they by it - they buy 10! Lots of money for luxuries, cars for the kids, expensive trips. They don't have typically wealthy occupations but don't seem to use credit, so I'm not really sure where it comes from. I don't ask. We're not really close enough for me to ask.

There's a wedding. London. Far from us. We're going, but... I'm just finding it hard. The amounts they want to spend on a single guest dress is twice our mortgage. The cost of the photographer is about 4 times our mortgage. The honeymoon will cost a third of what our house does. The money on show is making me so uncomfortable. I'll be holding a mere glass I could never afford, drinking something that probably cost than my monthly salary, talking to people whose eyeshadow probably costs more than my outfit. It's all getting so lavish and bordering on preposterous, amounts I've never heard people be so casual about - £500 on this, £900 on that, oh, an extra £750 for that - and I am going to feel so poor, so out of place, so... well. Yeah. Poor. I'm already struggling to join in with any wedding chat, because I'm trying to keep a neutral expression at some of the costs being stated. Money really is NO object!

It's not their fault. It's not ours. It's just the way things are, and I don't know how to get over the discomfort.

I can't really get out of it - simply not going isn't an option, even if it's what I want to do. I need to try and put my feelings aside and just sit there drinking my gold dust and trying not to compare.

I'm still finding it irrationally upsetting, though.

If they were really really rich they wouldn't talk about the prices.
Credit cards enable all sorts of mad spending. And the wedding industry does sort of suck you in and make you start thinking chair bows are an essential item etc

If someone asks you where you got your outfit, these are the two best lines I've heard..

Oh a little woman I know ( she made it herself)
I'm afraid I'm sworn to secrecy...

I've been to events like this and my three top tips are these:

You're there because you're invited. Other people haven't been..

Don't think about yourself. Watch other people, smile, make eye contact, chat in the queues fir the buffet or at the sit down and you'll have a great time

Have three or four topics of conversation, one of which is slightly off the wall. My best ever one was " what do I do about an ill guinea pig?" 12 stuffy, silent, strangers, to each other as well as us, got a major conversation going, it covered childhood, myths your parents told you ( it's the same goldfish, it hasn't died) rats as pets, celeb pets, travelling with pets, urban myths, you name it. Sthe conversation must have lasted a full two courses with lots if v funny stories.

If they need to tell you the price of everything either they come from a culture like that, or they're insecure, or they are just rejoicing. Understand 1 &2 , while rejoicing with them if it's 3 and knowing that even if you had the money you wouldn't spend it that way!

don't put yourself under pressure to go if you dont want to. Its selfish to expect people to spend this much.

What Mauisaid.

Unless you have lived from week-to-week (or for some people, from day-to-day) for any length of time, you really have no idea how exhausting it is to be poor.

Every day is a struggle - you have to cover the mortgage/rent, because otherwise you and your children will be on the street; You may have a roof over your head but be able to heat it; you might have to part with a much loved pet because that coulee of pounds a week it costs to keep is just too much for your pocket; many parents - mothers in particular - survive on the scraps off their children's plates, just to make sure that the kid's have enough to eat; a broken window, loose tile, leaking toilet is a major problem because you just can't afford to have it ut right, an then things get worse and the value of your home is reduced.

When this is long-term is is totally depressing because you can't ever see an end to it. You can't buy your children a bar of chocolate and a holiday is just a fairy-tale. Christmas with the open conspicuous consumption is the worst time ever - how do you explain to a five year old that Santa brought him mittens and a selection box when other children get bikes?

And yes - this does happen in the UK now.

I'm not saying that the OP is at this level - I don't think she is, but she obviously has to budget carefully. Having people rub my nose in my relative poverty, however unwittingly, would get me down, too.

I would love to win the lottery, but I count my blessings that we can afford a warm and cosy home, and decent food on the table every day.

50% of marriages end in divorce. So it's yours or theirs.

I don't think it works like that...

*unable to heat it, not able

*couple, not coulee (? )

hutch I loved that lady as well, some people were so mean as she wasn't wearing the usual split thighed dress they'd had to diet for weeks to get into, but to me, she rocked. She's an Oscar winner as well, the second time, so has achieved a lot in her life.

I think you have to decide what your 'life well lived' looks like and live that. That's actually harder than it sounds.

MauiWest
What you are explaining is how having not enough money can make you unhappy. I agree. Of course you need enough money to get by - and you will be happier for it.
I said having TONS of money has zero impact on happiness. I know a friend who inherited a million pounds. They had depression before, and they still have depression now. People who have loads of money aren't necessarily happy.

Absolutely Dahlietta - it's not a competition.

But money worries put huge strains on relationships.

Expensive weddings always boggle me. Unless you are seriously rich, there isn't anyone who couldn't put £20k+ to better use

It's one day, and says nothing about the happiness of the marriage that follows

Focus on what makes you happy

I am totally with you on the jealousy. It does not make anyone right or wrong to admit it, its a perfectly valid feeling. Also, wondering exactly where some people get their money from is normal.

Just make sure that your outfit really suits you and accessorise. Enjoy their company if you can and of course the wine and the food .
Use this as a spur to change bits of your life you don't like and congratulate yourself that you do not max out credit cards like some do as that is very expensive!

It's all relative, to someone else uou are very wealthy indeed. My dad was on holiday once and he was asked for money by someone, the person said, you're rich, my father said, no I'm not a rich man and the beggar said, compared to me, uou are a rich man. And it's true.

The issue is the comparisons uou are doing, you want what they basically have, to be able to spend like they do, you need to try to change uour mental focus and be happy with what you have,, because uou have a lot, a house, jobs, family, love.

We have family who feel something similar with us. They make it very very clear though when they come to see us they see it as conspicuous consumption, like asking why we don't serve leftovers and why do we cook another meal from scratch, commenting on wasting money, or being messy as a sign of disrespect, making comments about the size of the house. It's wearying.

They can't just sit and have fun with us like everyone else. There is always an underlying atmosphere. They attempt to do inverted snobbery and put us down for spending more or having more. It really says more about them than it does us, and it's something everyone has noticed and it makes everyone uncomfortable. We are all in different financial bands, but That bitterness is obvious , they probably think no one knows how they feel. But everyone does, because it's in their very word and action. It's horrible. Because they judge,

So maybe just try to focus on a nice day out, because money and how much uou spend is irrelevant. It really is.

You don't have to go if you don't want to. Just tell them you don't like weddings and won't be going.

I've never been to a wedding or hen do that I enjoyed, so I decided 3 years ago I wasn't going to another one ever again. Luckily, most people I know are too sensible to get married. All that money on one day - ridiculous. You can have a year or two of freedom for the same price.

I'm never jealous of people who waste money.

Your life might well be richer in ways your family's aren't.

I know what you mean about the jealousy too. It's such a difficult emotion to get rid of - and it's worse when people tell you things like 'comparison is the thief of joy' or 'jealousy is the ugliest emotion' etc, because you know all that, and you don't want to be jealous, but it just happens and you are constantly having to battle it by thinking positive thoughts. So I have sympathy for you.

At the same time, don't make too many assumptions about them and their friends. I know some people who are very well off, but they are genuinely lovely still. They don't talk about handbags or shoes all the time. Sometimes you do see their wealth, because of how they talk about things, but it's only because it's normal to them, not because they're trying to look down on you or make a big deal of it or anything. It's just that it's ordinary in their world. And when you get past that, you find that they are the same mix of people as others, and you have to get to know who you like and who you don't, and try not to focus on the money. I think when people have money, they aren't really thinking about or judging those who don't - it's just how their life is. They're as interested in you as a person, as you are in them as a person. But the discrepancy in money can loom large in your mind, if that's what you think they'll be thinking about you, and then you never get to know them.

So I hope you can just go and have fun and enjoy the nice food and drink.

One of my siblings lives like this - their wedding venue alone cost almost double my annual salary. I didn't go to the wedding in the end (we're not close) as I just felt so uncomfortable and out of my depth. it was a difficult decision to make - my mother was furious - but I was stressing so much about it that I felt like a weight had been lifted when I popped the "decline with regret" card in the post box.

Why does everyone respond to people being rich by trying to tear down the other parts of their lives? Shock, but there are rich people that are happy, well adjusted and in love that have expensive weddings.

Be thankful that the favours are only 3 figure amounts, that's nothing by London standards, I once knew a bride to send a member of 'staff' on a flight to Dubai the day before the wedding to collect the £25 per person favours and fly back with them for the wedding. Remember, these people you are worried about don't know what you do, have or anything about you. If asked what you do and say if you work at boots just say "oh, I'm in pharmaceuticals, it very dull though, oh don't you think the flowers/ bride/ stationery are lovely" after a few glasses of wine everyone gets past the small talk and once the barriers are down people are just people.

The money will not give them happiness. The very fact that they are obsessed with the details of this OTT wedding is indicative of something missing. I don't get it. I had a cheap wedding, reg office, parents and siblings only. Took no time to organise or prepare as we didn't give a shit about anything like colours. We took one of our CDs to be played. It cost about £90 altogether. This was 15yrs ago, we don't regret it.
That said, you've been invited to a posh party. Just go and enjoy it. We went to a £30k wedding after we got married, still didn't regret ours.

OP, can you just roll your eyes and think "it is so frightfully common to discuss one's eхpenses publicly" (that's what I am thinking, I'd be mortified).

OP sorry to hear this wedding is making you apprehensive.

I had a big wedding, it was everything we dreamed of, an amazing day which I loved planning and allowed (I hope) our individuality to shine through. I also loved the fact that we were able to share such a wonderful day with our friends and family. I love throwing parties and this was the best we ever threw. Yes it cost a lot of money but surely your wedding should be the one occasion when you are allowed to indulge yourself and not feel hampered by other people's expectations and judgements about what a wedding should be like?

I don't remember talking about costs with anyone (unless they asked) but I would be mortified to think any of our guests were talking about us behind our backs, calling us extravagant or implying we were showing off. It sounds like your family members are being insensitive talking about costs in front of you (especially if they know you are struggling) but please don't spoil their precious day by letting any negativity get back to them.

My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly 4 months after our wedding, I do not regret one single penny we had spent on our wedding as those memories are priceless.

Where I do have a problem is where people throwing expensive weddings start insisting that ushers etc pay for matching expensive suits etc and cause their guests to rack up bills they cannot really afford.

Hoping that you can find it in your heart to be happy for them and manage to enjoy the day... it's their dream wedding and their right to spend their money as they please without feeling guilty.

It's sounds like they just operate on a whole different scale. Go enjoy. Do not act or feel like the poor relations
They will not want you to and probably don't think like that

I agree with shortcake, it's a personal decision as to what to spend on a wedding day and isn't anyone else's business/concern.

As long as they're not making you pay for anything (I'd hope the bar will be free!) there's no purpose in feeling envious even though it's understandable.

Lots of PPs however are implying that richer people are covering up their unhappy lives etc, which I think is a bit simplistic. I've been to weddings that were done for 3 grand which were absolutely gorgeous, personal, fun days, and a couple of huge £70,000+ (at a guess) events, one of which involved a marriage shorter than the wedding planning had been.

If I were you, I'd go and have a lovely day and remind yourself that they have invited you because they want to include you in their lives. then drink all their champagne and have a great time

I sympathize. Jealousy is a very very hard emotion to work through and live with in the meantime. I do have a tendency to suffer from it and we are far from the breadline. Like the op I tend to run down whatever the other person has, house, car, clothes whatever. However there is no way that it is not apparent so I now rebrand my jealousy as envy which seems to be an easier emotion to manage internally. It's easy to say to someone "oh x sounds wonderful I am so envious of your lovely holidays/big garden.." it seems to sound like you wish wish them well but acknowledge the difference but in a very light hearted way.
I agree that it is not the done thing to mention money so it's bad form that they mention it so much. It is possibly credit card debt a lot more people have it than you would ever ever know.
Also, yeah yeah yeah, about the register office wedding, pub lunch done and dusted for twenty pounds brigade. Marriages last no longer for being a cheap start and being rich does not make you happy but being poor is no route to eternal happiness either and I know which I would rather be.

Me and DH played pretentious bingo at one wedding...