IABU... how to reign in jealousy? Posh wedding.

[OleanderTea]

We manage. We have enough for the bills, and the kids' clothes, and a bit set aside for emergencies. We're far north, so costs are lower but salaries are too. Life is just managing. No treats. No holidays - a couple in the UK, but nothing abroad for over 15 years. No payrise since the mid 00s and we've had four redundancies between us. We just... manage.

Some family members of mine. The amount they spend is, to me, eye-openingly astonishing. Multiple long-haul holidays a year. Bags of designer clothes and bags and shoes. You name it, they by it - they buy 10! Lots of money for luxuries, cars for the kids, expensive trips. They don't have typically wealthy occupations but don't seem to use credit, so I'm not really sure where it comes from. I don't ask. We're not really close enough for me to ask.

There's a wedding. London. Far from us. We're going, but... I'm just finding it hard. The amounts they want to spend on a single guest dress is twice our mortgage. The cost of the photographer is about 4 times our mortgage. The honeymoon will cost a third of what our house does. The money on show is making me so uncomfortable. I'll be holding a mere glass I could never afford, drinking something that probably cost than my monthly salary, talking to people whose eyeshadow probably costs more than my outfit. It's all getting so lavish and bordering on preposterous, amounts I've never heard people be so casual about - £500 on this, £900 on that, oh, an extra £750 for that - and I am going to feel so poor, so out of place, so... well. Yeah. Poor. I'm already struggling to join in with any wedding chat, because I'm trying to keep a neutral expression at some of the costs being stated. Money really is NO object!

It's not their fault. It's not ours. It's just the way things are, and I don't know how to get over the discomfort.

I can't really get out of it - simply not going isn't an option, even if it's what I want to do. I need to try and put my feelings aside and just sit there drinking my gold dust and trying not to compare.

I'm still finding it irrationally upsetting, though.

You should go & enjoy the day, should be bloody nice food & drink so shame to not savour it-they have invited you so clearly want you there.
Rich means different things to different people, you can be without a pot to piss in but still have a rich life, try not to compare what they have with what you do.
Focus on your life & what about it makes you happy.

Bags of designer clothes and bags and shoes. You name it, they by it - they buy 10! Lots of money for luxuries, cars for the kids

Yawn.

My best friend is extremely rich. Worth millions. Her OH owns a huge company and they jet off to Mexico/Dubai complete with helicopter transfers. her and her OH own several cars each, all top of the range.

Her life is not without troubles. One of her sons has mental health issues, the other, a young adult is impaired and in permanent residential care.
Her OH who earns a 7 figure salary verges on being abusive towards her. She has no real income of her own, so puts up with more than she should.

I get by financially. I run an old banger of a car and buy clothes in charity shops. I have a lovely family and an OH who treats me like a goddess.

My friend often admits she envies my life.

It's not all about money.

WHenpush comes to shove there are happy people and unhappy people in all walks of life.

Go and enjoy the wedding, OP.

Most people will be lovely and friendly and there will be a lot of folks there so you will find someone you enjoy talking to.

Jealousy is such a pointless emotion. There is always going to be someone richer, or prettier, or cleverer or happier or slimmer or ... than you. Just as there will be someone else who is poorer, or uglier or stupider or.... anyway you get the picture.

I wouldn't spend much on a wedding but the suggestion that people who do are doing it for all the wrong reasons and are doomed for failure are ridiculous. I mix with people from both ends of the financial spectrum from people who are skint as anything to multi millionaires and in my experience there are some lovely wealthy people and some less than lovely ones just as there are some lovely skint people and some less lovely ones. It's silly to think otherwise.

I don't think the bride and groom should be discussing the costs with you unless there is a particular reason. That seems a bit thoughtless but other than that I don't think you should give their wedding expenditure any more thought.

If you catch yourself being jealous then give yourself a wee talk and give your head a wobble.

Apparently we can summarize the thread by saying that some rich people are unhappy, some poor people are happy, and many poor people feel better by convincing themselves that money brings sadness and heartache.

It's very easy to say 'ach it's just money' but when you haven't got any, aren't likely to have any for a long time, and people around you are spending eye watering amounts of cash then it's hard not to let the green eyed monster rear its head every now and then (or more often...)

Are you able to reduce your contact with these people at all? Hide them on FB, less frequent visits etc? I would look at the wedding as a day out with family at a nice venue that someone else is paying for - go, be happy for the B&G, wish them well in whatever life throws at them, and enjoy the surroundings as something that you wouldn't get to do otherwise.

They're probably very successful drug dealers. Might end up with an exciting police raid at the wedding, hopefully after the buffet though

My other half has very rich relatives. We're not poor, but they're in a totally different league. Eton for the boys. A London flat and a country estate. Hunting, shooting and fishing etc.

They love to put on garden parties at their beautiful country home. We love to eat their amazing food and drink their expensive wine. It's nice of them to share. What does being jealous get you?

We have been together over 20 years, done alright for ourselves and have decided to get married next year.

It is a bloody nightmare: do we go simple (we tend to have modest tastes) and have people thinking we are being a bit tight? Or do we splash some cash and treat all our family and friends and have some of them think we are being flash gits?

I think a lot of it just depends whether there is real friendship, liking, a sense of connection.

I have friends who are listed in Debrett's Peerage. And I enjoy going to their parties. They are just warm, caring hosts. I don't find them ostentatious. And there are relatives of my husband's from a similar background. I also enjoy seeing the old paintings the latter group have,

I've also - via- a relationship on his side of the family, come into contact with some flash City types who like to splash their cash around and talk about their possessions. I find them frankly boring and feel uncomfortable in their company. (I am sure the feeling is mutual!)

So I suppose it's about personalities as much as money. But if there are differences of both personality and income, then it can make things hard work socially.

I'd say go with what makes uou happy, don't worry about what others think.

My friend often admits she envies my life

^^^ THIS

I have a friend who most would say has a very enviable lifestyle. Doesn't need to work. House owned outright- no mortgage. Brand new car- Expensive handbags, watches, rings, bracelets etc etc. Multiple holidays throughout the year.

On a couple of occasions now when drunk she has confessed that she envies MY lifestyle. Me- cheap clothes, 1 Litre Engine care on lease. Still about 25 years on the mortgage etc etc.

She envies me because she feels she has no worth. I am a nurse and love my job and have a real sense of purpose and worth- her husband doesnt feel that she needs to work so wont allow her to.

Agree- money is not everything.

I too feel sorry for them! Doesn't sound lavish to me, just tacky (who tells everyone how much things cost, really odd!)
It's a cliché but count your blessings. My best friend of 30 years has stage 4 leukemia, she's never married but has been happy and content with her partner for 20 years. They live a simple live, have never had much but had a lovely life before cancer reared it's ugly head.
Be thankful for what you have, however hard life may seem at times!

money is not everything.

Completely agree.

I've rarely met anyone with a seemingly glorious lifestyle who hasn't had something going on in it that I seriously wouldn't swap for.

I bet there will be as many people at the wedding who think the spending is over the top as there are who think it's normal, more probably, ho are both richer and poorer.
You'll all have a laugh over it while enjoying the booze and food.
Actually I'd take snacks no doubt the food will be on the pretentious side and more foam than carbs.

Is it jealousy or feeling out of place? The two are quite different. I used to be poor and of a different social class to people I associated with in the environment I was in. I hated it, but it wasn't about jealousy - it was more the stigma of being poor, feeling 'different' and sometimes knowing I was looked down on and / or pitied. Conversations can be so awkward too, when people are comparing cars, holidays, golf clubs, etc. I do feel for you if this is what you are thinking because it can be very awkward, particularly if you are shy / introverted like me.

No advice, just sympathy.

I have BIL & SIL like this. Big massive house, whilst I still rent and probably will for a long time to come. BUT... they are the most unhappy people I have ever met. Money doesn't equal happiness.

I don't think it's 'jealousy' at all to feel a bit discombobulated at a wedding where, as OP says, even the glass in her hand will cost more than half the stuff in her kitchen cabinets.

I totally get this, also having been the poor relation at an event like this. Because it's not just that they have or waste stupid amounts of money but just the feeling that your kids are sitting there having had a holiday that consisted of two days in a tent in a rainy field, when everyone round you is talking about things that seem so OTT and ridiculous. I don't think it's 'envy' to find that a bit painful, when you're just keeping your head above water. Although I think a lot of weddings are done on credit cards and it's not really their money, as such, it's still pretty tough because even if people are well meaning, you feel like the poor relation.

I'd imagine OP is well aware of course life could be worse; someone could be ill, etc etc - but that doesn't change how bloody grim it feels, going to an event like that, in those circumstances. Best I could do in a very similar set of circumstances was to poke fun at the pretension of it all. And we found we weren't the only ones there having precisely those thoughts, which made it easier.

You sound obsessed with money to be honest.

Working out/comparing what everything costs relative to your income even down to a wine glass and eyeshadow? That's not normal imo.

With the exception of the Rothschilds I'm sure we will all encounter someone who 'has more' than us. Getting jealous/bitter about it isn't going to help us feel any better about it.

Look on the bright side. That mortgage you are referring to means you are in a position to buy your own house. That wage you are referring to means you have a job. I imagine there are people looking at your life and feeling jealous of what you have.

OP I understand, I don't think you sound jealous, just apprehensive by what the day will bring.

However, you are an invited guest at their wedding, which means they think the world of you and want you to share in their happy day. So enjoy yourself, raise that expensive glass of bubbly to their happiness and have fun.

Peoples worth is not monetary.

Enjoy the nice things on offer at the wedding that you like. Don't do mental tallies on cost of everything. Focus on how people behave.
If you like your friends and value your friendship then go celebrate them getting married.

If people feel the need to mention the cost of anything outside of their own four walls they are, IMHO a bit trashy. You can't buy good taste or manners.

Go and drink their overly-priced bubbly and enjoy.

I haven't read all the replies, so just replying to the OP.
You can't help your feelings, but I'm the complete opposite. As in I don't see what good can ever come of feeling jealous and miserable as someone has "more."
We're all different, and all have different budgets and lifestyles.
We're not rich, definitely not. Modest small house. Some friends have huge houses and massive grounds, but there's no point in being jealous as that way lies misery.
Be happy with what you do have instead.
There'll always be someone who "has more", and no doubt some people think that of you too in some way. To them, you'll have more.
See it as a lovely day out. I would. If it was me invited, I'd take it as a chance to have a lovely meal/drinks/posh day out that I wouldn't usually have!
You can see life black and miserable, or you can make the most of it.
I know which mindset I prefer. Life's much more fun and easy that way.

Apparently we can summarize the thread by saying that some rich people are unhappy, some poor people are happy, and many poor people feel better by convincing themselves that money brings sadness and heartache

Absolutely, MauiWest.

Why do rich people have to have crap marriages and deadbeat dcs?! I know wealthy people who are very happy and have lovely dcs. Not all people with money are living like Scrooge, miserable and lonely until they dispense their largesse on the deserving.

I would like a bit more money (who wouldn't!) but a fancy wedding wouldn't bother me. I wore a suit and hat I bought in the Red Cross shop to cousin's wedding. It was much admired. The only difficult thing was the wedding present: the cheapest thing on the list was a charger plate for £150 .