IABU... how to reign in jealousy? Posh wedding.

[OleanderTea]

We manage. We have enough for the bills, and the kids' clothes, and a bit set aside for emergencies. We're far north, so costs are lower but salaries are too. Life is just managing. No treats. No holidays - a couple in the UK, but nothing abroad for over 15 years. No payrise since the mid 00s and we've had four redundancies between us. We just... manage.

Some family members of mine. The amount they spend is, to me, eye-openingly astonishing. Multiple long-haul holidays a year. Bags of designer clothes and bags and shoes. You name it, they by it - they buy 10! Lots of money for luxuries, cars for the kids, expensive trips. They don't have typically wealthy occupations but don't seem to use credit, so I'm not really sure where it comes from. I don't ask. We're not really close enough for me to ask.

There's a wedding. London. Far from us. We're going, but... I'm just finding it hard. The amounts they want to spend on a single guest dress is twice our mortgage. The cost of the photographer is about 4 times our mortgage. The honeymoon will cost a third of what our house does. The money on show is making me so uncomfortable. I'll be holding a mere glass I could never afford, drinking something that probably cost than my monthly salary, talking to people whose eyeshadow probably costs more than my outfit. It's all getting so lavish and bordering on preposterous, amounts I've never heard people be so casual about - £500 on this, £900 on that, oh, an extra £750 for that - and I am going to feel so poor, so out of place, so... well. Yeah. Poor. I'm already struggling to join in with any wedding chat, because I'm trying to keep a neutral expression at some of the costs being stated. Money really is NO object!

It's not their fault. It's not ours. It's just the way things are, and I don't know how to get over the discomfort.

I can't really get out of it - simply not going isn't an option, even if it's what I want to do. I need to try and put my feelings aside and just sit there drinking my gold dust and trying not to compare.

I'm still finding it irrationally upsetting, though.

We've had times when we were completely skint - and now we're more comfortable. I can say without a shadow of a doubt that comfortable is far, far nicer.

I think there have been studies which prove a correlation between happiness and having slightly more than the people round you.

So if you have £45,000 pa and are in a street/social circl where other people have £40,000 the slightly nicer car or house or clothes or set of gadgets make you feel good about what you have

If you have the same £45,000 but are in a street/circle where the others have £50,000 you have to keep reminding yourself that you don't really care about not having the new car. And that you are holidaying in Spain rather than Thailand. And your perception is that you are not reallly that well off.

Given that we are living in an era of widening inequality, it's more likely that more of us will have to deal with feelings of 'not well offness' if there are one or two really affluent people in our circle.

The question I have to ask is this. If you had the money would you spend it the way these people are?

I live in a very affluent area where there is a lot of focus on material things , everyone having amazing things done to their houses. Expensive holidays during every school break, fancy cars etc. Sometimes it gets me down. But it's not jealousy I'm feeling, it's frustration. I hate waste and I raise an eyebrow when I see how much money people waste by buying a brand new car every other year, buying a new sofa when the other one has nothing wrong with it, buying ridiculously expensive handbags just because it's the latest must have thing. The list goes on.

But we have a similar income to these people. We could do the things they are but choose not to. I am happier camping than I would ever be at the all inclusive resorts my friends seem to love and I don't feel the need for my house to look like a something out of a style magazine.

I would go to the wedding in one of my old faithful dresses from Next or Wallis and my M&S shoes and enjoy the expensive champagne and hospitality with my head held high.

To me is like they are burning money, I never understood why people would spend so much in weddings, when they last a day... but that's just me. That said, it's their money, if they want to use it all in one day, well, their choice! They might have gotten money from other side of the family, or the honeymoon paid partly by in-laws, or inheritance money, etc. When you have no kids, the money goes a long way, specially on childcare-savings! If they both have a £35k average career job, that's £70k a year. Take away a rent or mortgage of £1k a month and bills for another £1k... that still leaves about £50k to spend. Even with taxes, it's on the healthy side of £35-£40k.

Even if they are not taking credit (which you cannot know), they might have agreed instalments, a percentage now, a bit every month, the rest by wedding day. It miggt be manageable. Why you would this for a one-way party instead of buying property or saving for the future... baffles me, but it seems they want to do a big day to remember.

I'd go and enjoy immensely, as they are also likely to have very nice food and drink . However, if it's stretching your finances, I'd also tell them now that you are very excited but the budget in your house is quite stretched already and you cannot afford some things (if they are forcing people to buy specific dresses or stay at specific accommodation), maybe they can also bear the cost or help with it.

Nothing to do with it and it's a very opinionated attitude, so forgive me, but I always feel it's a shame that a marriage starts with such pressure and high expectations of the first day. Do people look back at their wedding day as the best ever that can never be repeated? My wedding was the best day ever for us, but it was so affordable that we would like to repeat a similar thing when we hit big anniversaries. I think it's a bit sad that the best day in a marriage is firmly set in the past and unlikely to be repeated. Or maybe I'm missing the point because I didn't have that kind of wedding! /End of opinionated rant

For me, very different levels of wealth between me and friends and family are absolutely no problem and I don't feel jealous of people who are much better off than me.

But I don't think this is what the OP is describing. OP is talking about people who seems determined to highlight the difference in wealth with no sensitivity to how this might make others feel.

I would find this very difficult to deal with OP and I don't think you are being irrational.

I wonder if it might help you to separate the two issues in your mind. To be jealous of someone's wealth (not a constructive approach) is very different to being uncomfortable at someone wanting to accentuate this difference without regard to the feelings of others (pretty sensible response in my opinion).

It's their wedding and they have got the money to spend on it the way they want. Good luck to them. It's not your place to be judgey on what they spend. However they have made their money, they have obviously directed their time and energy into aquairing the lifestyle they want. Just as you have made the choice to be happy /settle for the lifestyle you have. I'm not jealous of others. Why? Simply, I don't compare myself to others. I'm also not a competitive person. Quite frankly there will always be people who are much younger, slimmer, more attractive looking, wealthier, smarter, more intelligent, more successful than me. It's a losing mugs game to compare yourself to anyone. I actually can admire and appreciate what they have and think how lucky they are. Life is difficult enough. No one escapes pain and unhappiness. So I'd never begrudge anyone moments of happiness. The problem with jealousy if not curbed, it can turn you into a really ugly human being. Think about it. Gossips and frenemies etc are all people that have major jealousy issues steaming from their own insecurities.

It's not that money makes you happy, it's that the lack of it (when you need it), can make you miserable.

It's not that money makes you happy, it's that the lack of it (when you need it), can make you miserable

That's so true. Lots of problems can be eased or solved completely by throwing money at them. It removes an awful lot of stress and uncertainty.

Go and be proud. Be proud if the loving, solid hard working family that you have. We also have some very well off relatives who have never had to worry about money in their lives. Without fail they let you know what they paid for every expensive item they buy, big up every holiday etc - but their faces drop whenever we have some good fortune. Their problem is that they place great value on material things - to make up for other things lacking in their lives. My family has far less than them, but I would never swap my lovely hubby and amazing loving and balanced kids for them and their life in a million years. So go to the wedding and be happy and grateful for what you have.

If they are actually mentioning the price of things in their chat then they have no manners or class despite their wealth, it's terribly common.

A colleague had a free bar at their wedding, another colleague commented afterwards that if that was the first thing the guests had to say about it afterwards, that was rather sad.

Likewise a friend had a smaller budget wedding than mine and it has only recently occurred to me that this might have bothered her at the time. I think I would have enjoyed my wedding more if it had been lower key, her wedding was great fun and fairly relaxed.

Sorry to hear you don't have spare cash but it is a bit sad if the wedding people feel the need to tell everyone how much they are spending.

Also, my brother's home probably cost at least twice what our's did and as we were part way through buying yours he tried to tell me we were making a big mistake. I can't help noticing the plans for his new kitchen diner look a lot like our kitchen diner. Almost identical in fact. LMAO. I wouldn't swap for all the tea in China.