IABU... how to reign in jealousy? Posh wedding.

[OleanderTea]

We manage. We have enough for the bills, and the kids' clothes, and a bit set aside for emergencies. We're far north, so costs are lower but salaries are too. Life is just managing. No treats. No holidays - a couple in the UK, but nothing abroad for over 15 years. No payrise since the mid 00s and we've had four redundancies between us. We just... manage.

Some family members of mine. The amount they spend is, to me, eye-openingly astonishing. Multiple long-haul holidays a year. Bags of designer clothes and bags and shoes. You name it, they by it - they buy 10! Lots of money for luxuries, cars for the kids, expensive trips. They don't have typically wealthy occupations but don't seem to use credit, so I'm not really sure where it comes from. I don't ask. We're not really close enough for me to ask.

There's a wedding. London. Far from us. We're going, but... I'm just finding it hard. The amounts they want to spend on a single guest dress is twice our mortgage. The cost of the photographer is about 4 times our mortgage. The honeymoon will cost a third of what our house does. The money on show is making me so uncomfortable. I'll be holding a mere glass I could never afford, drinking something that probably cost than my monthly salary, talking to people whose eyeshadow probably costs more than my outfit. It's all getting so lavish and bordering on preposterous, amounts I've never heard people be so casual about - £500 on this, £900 on that, oh, an extra £750 for that - and I am going to feel so poor, so out of place, so... well. Yeah. Poor. I'm already struggling to join in with any wedding chat, because I'm trying to keep a neutral expression at some of the costs being stated. Money really is NO object!

It's not their fault. It's not ours. It's just the way things are, and I don't know how to get over the discomfort.

I can't really get out of it - simply not going isn't an option, even if it's what I want to do. I need to try and put my feelings aside and just sit there drinking my gold dust and trying not to compare.

I'm still finding it irrationally upsetting, though.

You say how can you deal with it op? Well keep this in mind, the only thing in the whole day that's of any consequence is the two to three minutes of vows. The rest is irrelevant. No amount of pretty baubles will guarantee a long and fulfilling marriage. I often think, if people put their wedding ££ into their spiritual health instead of showing off partying there'd be a lot fewer divorces. I think too many weddings are about the day, not the life after.

I don't think OP sounds jealous - I think she sounds a bit out of her depth. She is going to a very expensive function where there will be a lot of very materially-minded people.

There will probably be comparisons about holidays and handbags, and is Jimmy Choo better than Vera Wang (even if these people just buy knock-offs, they sound as though they will be bragging about everything).

I would be dreading it, too - what would I talk to them about? But I would go, enjoy the scoff and the bubbly, and keep any "considerably-richer-than-yow" conversations focussed on other people - if they ask where you went on holiday, compliment their tan and ask them about theirs etc. If they are like this they will love talking about themselves, and you and DH can have a bit of a giggle when you get home about how cash-obsessed they are.

However, you might find that they are really lovely to talk to (some of them at least) and you can have a proper conversation. If all else fails, mentioning how stunning the bride looks is always a conversation diversion, even it gets them onto the price of wedding dresses!

As the family paupers, we have been in this position, but trust me you can and will get through it - and I've always found that it's the functions I'm dreading most that I had the best time at.

(And bragging about what you've paid for something is terribly vulgar dontcha know! )

These type of people usually have more money than sense. The money that they are flashing around is probably inherited or borrowed rather than earned. Their money won't make them any happier in life, it just means they can buy more expensive stuff. Please don't waste your energy feeling jealous of them.

Thanks, 2kids, that's very true as well. I've met Southerners before who've mocked my Northern accent - I appreciate it said more about them than it did about me, but it still hurts. I can smile and chat and be nice but I worry I won't quite know what to talk about if the guests enjoy chatting about purchases, holidays and high-flying city careers.

I wouldn't go. I give a portion of my income to cost-effective charities and seeing that amount of money being wasted would make me feel uncomfortable. Ultimately it's your choice if you can be arsed with it.

It's very true that money doesn't buy happiness. That said, I hear you OP. I'm no stranger to jealousy myself. I find the best thing to do is to acknowledge that you are jealous and to share your feelings with someone you know will be able to hear them. Sharing them on here is a good idea I find that the more you try to deny and force yourself to 'get over' difficult feelings, the more intense they become.

The amounts they want to spend on a single guest dress is twice our mortgage. The cost of the photographer is about 4 times our mortgage. The honeymoon will cost a third of what our house does.

They probably would see all of these facts as proof of how enviably low house prices are where you live!

I know you know you're being a bit silly, so all you can really do is try to embrace it as a fun if weird experience. I once went to a properly, properly lavish wedding (it definitely cost more than £100k, and probably quite a lot more) - ultimately it was still just a wedding - the couple seemed genuinely happy (contrary to popular belief, rich people can love each other!), people ate, drank and danced. Yes, they ate nicer food, drank nicer wine, did so in spectacular surroundings with tens of thousands of pounds' worth of flowers, but I really think you're building this up to be something that it's not. I think you might be a bit disappointed by how non-spectacular it is on the day!

On that note - are you married and if so did you have a biggish, formalish do? Because before I did I had no grasp of how expensive a lot of the weddings I'd been going to were: I thought £20k would get you a princess fantasy; it's actually quite a normal if nice seeming wedding. We spent £9k and I think most people would describe ours as towards the cheap and cheerful end of the scale. That's why they always end up in a mess on Don't Tell the Bride - they think the £15k they're given will buy the moon, but it really, really won't. Wedding costs can get eye-watering very, very quickly.

First, you can look a lot better in a very cheap outfit than in a luxury designer one. No one will know how much it cost, free from a local shop, or 2nd hand from ebay. So don't worry about that, just take time planning your outfit.

Then, people happiness is about perception, not about their real bank account. You see what you can't have, or how many hours you are working, the amount of your mortgage and things you are sacrificing, you don't look at people with less than you. There is always someone better off - easier life, less commute, much smaller mortgage, more family time.

I would go to the wedding, and enjoy the expensive food and drink. Everything is down to choices, in London there are still plenty of jobs, many with fairly good salaries, but mortgages are through the roof and commute is hell. Don't be upset, just make sure you make the right choices for your family.

I'd just go, quaff all the free drinks. laugh at the ridiculousness of it all and try to enjoy yourself

I know what you mean about it being posh and expensive and the opposite to what you may do, but if it makes the bride and groom happy, that's all that matters

You have reminded me to put a lucky dip on the lottery Weds though

Please don't be jealous - it is THE most negative and destructive emotion ever. It eats you up from the inside out and you start to wear it.

Go to the wedding and enjoy living the life of a Duchess for a day and then go back to your everyday life.

May I suggest starting a gratitude list, where daily you list one or two things that you are grateful for. When I'm feeling low I do this for a few weeks and it is amazing how 'rich' it will make you feel.

*not free from a local shop, CHEAP...

Frankandbeans - already happened!

In general, all the inverse snobbery being expressed by many of the posters here is pretty pathetic. I'm the 'poor one' in my group of university friends; the one who did a PhD and married a teacher rather than going into city law and marrying a banker. I sometimes wish I could have what they have, but it's not delusional - and pretty nasty - to assume their marriages are miserable, their lives are empty and they only talk about their designer bags!

I went to a similar wedding recently
Enjoy it and if you drink hide some booze in the car/room as at over £10 a drink I couldn't afford to get quite as drunk as I like to at weddings
Some of the grooms old friends (pre money) had set up a car boot bar in the car park so we could catch up 😂

I'm not entirely sure what you have to be jealous about. Wanting and being able to afford a posh wedding is one thing. However, them telling you how expensive everything is would tell me they know the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Having more money and designer clothes does not a better or happier person make.

Go and try and enjoy the day, forget the money aspect. It really isn't important.

I find it a bit irritating that you are disecting the wedding and thinking about how much each bit costs. Why are you even thinking about it?Jealousy is such a horrible quality. It causes people to be mean to nice people who don't deserve it, just because it 'looks' from the outside as if they have a good life.

You say you are 'struggling to join in with the wedding chat'; they can probably tell! And you probably look as if you are being negative about the wedding or resentful. It's not nice.

Don't make judegments about people's lives based on how it 'looks'. When people splash cash around it makes me feel a bit sas, not because of jealousy, but because I think they are misguided. It's not what life is all about. You can have tons of money and 'stuff' but it has zero impact on how happy you are. Sure, money can make life a bit easier, but the more money you have, the more you take it for granted and treats just feel 'the norm'; not special. Also, moving in wealthy cirlces means that there is more pressure to be seen to be wealthy and spend money on certain things. They could be just as unhappy as you are, but their pressures and worries may be different from yours, that's all.

I think your post just highlights that there are things about your life that you are unhappy about and that are making you feel resentful towards others. Focus your attention on doing some soul-searching and working out ways to foster more happiness in your life.

You can have tons of money and 'stuff' but it has zero impact on how happy you are.

Not giving a thought about your shopping and heating bills, being able to get a mortgage for a house in the best catchment area, to afford a few holidays a year, even being able to buy as many shoes as your kids need as they are growing up....

I wish I had "tons of money", but having enough to buy all the basics is a blessing, and it seriously help to make you happy.

Personally I think if they want to spend a lot that is up to them, but it seems unnecessary and rather rude to go on about it. I agree with Mauiwest spending a lot doesn't necessarily mean you look better, if you ask around you may even be able to borrow something or find something in a charity shop. It is a break away with expensive food and drink, on the day they will be too busy making sure it all goes to plan to notice your discomfort, so try and set it aside and enjoy yourself.

An ex friend of mine had a theory that the more that was spent on the wedding the shorter the marriage.
Look at the things you have rather than what you don't have. I feel jealous of a friend who has financially generous parents and in laws. They've been on fantastic holidays and their house is constantly getting new carpets etc. She tells me they've got no money! They are going on another fab long haul holiday and I'm jealous! I've been working hard to see what I have and be grateful.
How lucky are you your mortgage is small? I'm paying mine into my 70s!

It is incredibly crass to tell everyone what it's all costing, it immediately makes me think they must feel insecure and inadequate.

They are compensating for something. Not by spending a lot but by making sure everyone knows that they are.

Because, of course, we all know that the more you spend on something the more worthwhile it is

I can understand how you feel but you must not let it make you feel inferior in any way.

Clothes are just clothes, food is just food and a drink will make you feel good whether it cost £5 or £50.

Hope you can switch off the comparison feelings and enjoy the event.

OP, my Dsis and BiL were extremely wealthy at one time. I mean light your cigar with a $100.00 bill wealthy. But they are also extremely kind and thoughtful people. Was I jealous of my Dsis' lifestyle? Of course I was, it's only natural to want a life of ease. I finally got it down to "I sure wish I had that, but that doesn't mean I wish that she didn't". I gave myself permission to be 'jealous' but not resentful, iyswim.

I guess the difference is that she and BiL never mentioned what anything cost and usually downplayed what they paid for things if asked.

50% of marriages end in divorce. So it's yours or theirs. Yours is the one that works perfectly well without the need for lavish spending, so it's probably going to be theirs that goes the way of the three-day bicycle race and Dralon as a home fabric.

OP I could have written this myself 4 years ago. We were just About scraping by, no holidays, spare cash, I hated by job, DH had been made redundant and we went to visit friends at NY in Londo in their huge 6 bed mansion with a wife who didn't need to work and kids who had everything. In our way back up north, I cried all the way home feeling so jealous and miserable because it was such a stark contrast to my life.
However I used that as an opportunity to change our lives. I changed jobs, changed my attitude and really used it as motivation to change everything I hated in my own life. It took 4 years but i did it.
To get back to your point, either go and just enjoy - everything is relative - they may have more money but they may still feel empty inside or feel like they are having to keep up with the Jones' and they may feel poor compared to their friends.
Just don't feel jealous or bad or make you upset in anyway. Like Bob Marley said - some people are so poor all they have is money X

I have never heard of people telling everyone exactly how much stuff costs at a wedding, how crass and obvious. They really do have a problem if they need to let everyone know how much the favours cost! I have wealthy friends who have had lovely (expensive) weddings and they wouldn't dream of letting everyone know the prices they paid.

On that basis, go, but just see it all as a game, a game they are playing that is ultimately not very meaningful.