To wonder why so many people are nasty and thoughtless

[FlowerOfTheValley]

Some of the threads on here today where an OP posting for support in a distressing situation is getting abuse reflecting treatment they received in real life.

We are supposed to be a civilised society. I just don't get it. Why? What does kicking someone when they are down achieve. Where is the compassion.

I don't go on a thread to slag someone off in a sensitive situation. If I can't be of support then I won't post.

I might think somebody is wrong or horrid, both on MN and in real life, but what does it achieve to give them a further kicking.

There are lots of people for whom a few kind words or care would make their day yet there are so many people who would rather be nasty instead.

Is being supportive of somebody upset or vulnerable really so hard?

liv the majority of your posts can be deemed as nasty or professionally offended. Go over your past posts for the last couple of days and read the tone on them.

Thanks Bee makes sense for somebody to project their anger onto another person I guess. I think anger feeds anger so doubt it would make them feel better long term. I agree there's no reasoning with some people.

Exactly Esme it achieves nothing apart from cause upset.

Jingle Yes you brought this up on another thread. You seem to have an issue with me. That's fine but it doesn't make you any more pleasant

And looking back over some of your last posts, you aren't exactly Mary Poppins

No matter what wonderful idea you have (creating a parenting site for support and advice) it is open to abuse. Always.

There are 2 types of people in life. Ones that have empathy, and ones that do not. The ones that do not tend to post shit on here.

I think you have to be careful what you post if you're sensitive. My first post on here was on tax credits and I got told to shut the fuck up as there were other threads on this subject - yawn. Didn't post anything for ages.

I don't think we all just want yes yes we agree with you - advice from all different walks is a brilliant way to expand our own ideas/thoughts and stop us being so insular. I've learnt quite a lot, and stopped to see others point of view, even if it differs from mine.

But there's a difference between putting across your viewpoint, and ripping the OP to shreds - telling them they're wrong/weird/crazy etc

Tips for a first timer would be - avoid AIBU, and choose topics carefully - long time lurking teaches you what to avoid!!

I think the more of us that have that thing called empathy - can come on here and drown out the nasty, report where we can, and jump in to support the OP if we feel it's getting out of hand/beyond constructive criticism.

People can be harsher behind a keyboard, but that's not easy to focus on when you're the one low and desperate for advice.

I hope (and feel) that this site does far more good than harm.

I completely agree, that being rude and being honest r not the same thing! I've seen threads where people ask advice about their DC, and get told 'he/she is vile', or 'a bitch'. I really wonder if these posters are like that in real life - I've truly never met anyone that mean (even our schools bully when we were all teenagers didn't talk like that about children!).
I think some people enjoy venting on here when real life is challenging, in the knowledge that they won't be held accountable for their behaviour :-(.
I'm all for encouraging an OP to see their situation clearly, and understand their mistakes, but some of what gets posted is just abuse.

I think it's entirely appropriate considering what the thread topic is about. Some posters do Just go on a thread to be agro.

Oh Jesus - my mil uses that - 'I'm just honest and call a spade a spade' = 'I'm rude and nasty'

So because someone criticises/confronts something they think is wrong they have no empathy?

Jingle you DO seem a tad obsessed to follow me around and have a pop on each thread - whatever floats your boat I suppose

Thanks usual

Some people are just nasty and don't care how their words affect others - just how the world is unfortunately - good job there is a balance though

So because someone criticises/confronts something they think is wrong they have no empathy?

Not at all.

Empathy = cares and understands someone's situation, and is able to offer advice, criticism, and confrontation (if need be) with thought.

No empathy = confronts and criticises without thought for the words they use or how they affect the OP

I think it can also depend on what the poster is going through in their own lives at the time. That can be a huge influence on how they respond to a thread.

I think some of the forthright responses come from a place of 'if you think you have it hard ...'. Whilst that might not necessarily be helpful or fair to the OP it can be difficult not to think they are complaining about nothing.

There was a thread earlier where someone had unprotected sex a few days ago and is now worried they might be pregnant. They didn't consider taking the MAP, are too busy at work to get to a pharmacy but have all the time in the world to post a thread on Mumsnet. When I see threads like that I click the 'back' button because my first response is "you utter twat". Whilst that might be true, it's not helpful for the OP.

As an example, on one thread the OP was told repeatedly 'You are odd', not just 'I think perhaps your behaviour in this situation was odd' but 'YOU are odd'.

Yes IRL some people are straight talkers but I don't believe that many would behave that way to the OP's face in an analagous situation, let's just say some kind of event where people were asked to get together and ask others for opinions.

It is rare for me to come across the type of behaviour I read on some of these forums IRL, even amongst strangers (and I'm a life long Londoner)!

There is a way to deliver honest opinions and there is a way to be entirely oblivious of others feelings when they have come on here for advice.

I don't follow you liv , your honestly not that important to me. It's just that your posts stand out if we frequent the same thread because of the negative vibe they have and I found it quite ironic that you were here, again, with your 'honest' posts.

Maybe you need some cheer in your life

For me when I disagree it's about persuading the other person to consider it differently. That works better done gently. Shouting, shaming, telling people they aren't worth talking to because they haven't followed previous advice isn't likely to change their point of view.

Particularly where abusive relationships are concerned, it takes years for people to deprogramme, and shouting at them that they should be protecting their children doesn't help.

I was so taken aback by the op asking about portion size, and being told her plates were too big, and not very nice, it didn't look appetising, it needed carbs, it was badly presented, there was too much protein etc. Her MIL accused her of over feeding, and loads of people took the opportunity to accuse her of loads of other things too.

I'm with you, OP.

I have plenty of cheer but thanks anyway

You don't like my posts, I think you come across as rather sanctimonious - I'm sure neither of us will lose sleep over it.

As I was reminded the other day, despite my comments being relevant, it is bad form to mention other threads that people have posted on - it could be argued that having a dig at someone whenever you see them could be construed as a tad unhinged. And certainly flies in the face of your insistence that people be nice

And actually it comes rather close to being a personal attack

"usual

Competitive loveliness is dull."

Absolutely. You only have to look in on TES to see how the once lively Community fora have been totally squeezed of life. God it is full.
People have different opinions on things. That should be respected instead of stifled.

God it is DULL

"Jinglebellsandv0dka

I don't follow you liv , your honestly not that important to me. It's just that your posts stand out if we frequent the same thread because of the negative vibe they have and I found it quite ironic that you were here, again, with your 'honest' posts.

Maybe you need some cheer in your life wine"

You see? This wine glass thing is not nice either.