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Original poster

To be annoyed that mother-in-law is doing my kids' Christmas stocking?

304 replies

Nickname1980 · 19/11/2016 21:52

Ok first world problem.

This is really bugging me and I think I am being unreasonable but I can't help it!

Anyway. I made my DCs' Christmas stockings this year, a bad knit job, but I'm proud of them as I can't make anything much. Anyway, yesterday, MIL says "oh I found my kids' old stockings! So I'm going to fill them up for your children on Christmas Day. You can hang them at the end of their beds in the morning" blah blah blah.

Immediately I replied "oh thank you" because I was surprised and I am basically a people pleaser and didn't want to say no.

She then said it would bring so much joy to her and her mother (their great granny) to do that together, that they've already started buying the gifts.

Then I told her that I'd already knitted the kids' stockings because I really don't want her to take over. She replied "oh well, these are heirlooms!"

Am I being mean that I don't want her to do their stockings? That she had her chance to do it when her kids were little and that it's my turn now?

She does a lot for us, and tries really hard, and utterly dotes on my DC. Am I just being totally selfish and should I let her do this?

I know. Total first world problems. I wonder if I should just feel lucky that she wants to be so involved?!? But I just feel a bit annoyed that she's trying to take over.

OP posts:
Joinourclub · 19/11/2016 23:24

I've got this too. Not sure how to handle it either. We are doing our stocking from Santa in the morning and then the in laws are over for lunch with their stockings. I know mil will be all 'oo look you were so good Santa visited us too', but I might try to get in first with 'oo look at all the presents from Granny'. I agree it is OUR turn to do this now. I understand them wanting to relive those magical years but I wish they'd back off sometimes. i want to 'be Santa' at Christmas , and I want to make the cake for birthdays!

Thinkingblonde · 19/11/2016 23:25

I am making sacks and stockings for my GC. I am not filling them, that's my daughters job.

slenderisthenight · 19/11/2016 23:27

This comes up every year. Basically, it's your turn.

slenderisthenight · 19/11/2016 23:28

And while it may not mean much to other posters, if it means a lot to you, you should do it. They're your children, no one else's, and you do the hard work of raising them. Absolutely you should be able to make their stockings if you want to, in the same way that your MIL enjoyed doing that for her own children.

DancingDinosaur · 19/11/2016 23:30

I'd hang up both. Double goodies for the children. My mil is a pain in the arse (understatement ) but I'd still hang up her stocking (not that my mil would bother) because I know it would make the children happy.

elfonshelf · 19/11/2016 23:31

If it's a second stocking on a different day, I can see ways to accomodate, but when a grandparent expects a parent to not provide a stocking so that they can do it instead, or wants 'their stocking' to be the official one, then that is unfair.

It's very easy to handle these things as a GP - just ask, and preferably before taking any action so you don't do the guilt trip. My MIL gets on with all her DILs brilliantly, SMIL manages to annoy all of us. The former makes subtle enquiries before doing things, the latter charges in with whatever she wants and then gets aggressive if we don't like what she does.

slenderisthenight · 19/11/2016 23:32

And yes, two stockings on the same day would be a bit bonkers. But on different days? No problem.

This would be the start of all my problems. Am I the only parent who would be faced with an onslaught of questions about this second trip of Santa's in which he gets the reindeer out specially to go to MILs?

slenderisthenight · 19/11/2016 23:33

I agree elf, it's not hard to ask. Grandparents who run into problems often do so because they don't ask in case they don't like the answers.

Enidblyton1 · 19/11/2016 23:35

In our family, my MiL still does stockings for her grown up children, leaving us to do them for our children. The gifts inside are just the Christmas presents that she would have bought us anyway to go under the tree.

Can't your Mil do a stocking for your DH instead? Then she would still be able to use the 'heirlooms'Grin

Pallisers · 19/11/2016 23:41

agree completely with winterisnigh.

If it is so special for the MIL that she has to be indulged, then why isn't it ok for it to be special for the mother? My own lovely MIL (and my own lovely parents) would never had done anything like this. I can't imagine insisting on any tradition from my children's childhood be something I also do for their children. There are all sorts of things a grandparent can do which will make their grandchildren adore them ... they don't have to be the same things that a parent does.

And yeah another stocking is fine on December 26th but both my DH and I would have had issues with this. We don't like Christmas being about loads of stuff so one stocking is about as much stuff as we are happy with. Why does a child need a second stocking filled with stuff? I appreciate some parents are fine with this - great. But we wouldn't have been.

MrGrumpy01 · 19/11/2016 23:42

because I know it would make the children happy.

That's it right there isn't it. Maybe there was ill feeling about my Nan's stocking, who knows (I would never ask) but I have only happy and fond memories of it. But I knew it was from them though.

GabsAlot · 19/11/2016 23:43

i never got a sticking at home my grandad would always do one for when we went there

i alway remember being really excited about it

ii think its silly to be mad over it just do two

ThriftyMcThrifty · 19/11/2016 23:47

Thank you so much for this thread OP. My mil is coming for Christmas and told me she's packed a ton of stocking fillers. I was devastated as have a real budget for christmas and have spent ages making/collecting the goodies from Santa. I am going to tell her to do them separately.

Youremywifenow · 19/11/2016 23:48

I'd ask your MIL to do the stocking for your DH instead.
I'm 41 and my mother still does one for me (and also DH), she wouldn't think to do one for my children, that's the parents job. I will always do a stocking for my kids however old they are, I love doing them. Me and DH do them for each other as well and all hang them up on Christmas eve.

Stockings are the best bit, YANBU.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 19/11/2016 23:49

it seems grandparents can't do right for doing wrong.

I agree.

ThriftyMcThrifty · 19/11/2016 23:50

Also, I know my response is against the grain of this thread. But reading it has helped me give voice to my feelings. I do all the hard work with no help all year. This is one of the best bits of having children - and I should be able to enjoy it. The kids will think the gifts are from santa anyway, so will be totally unaware of any issues.

honeylulu · 19/11/2016 23:53

I think a second stocking at Granny's house is best. If my son saw his godmother just after Christmas she would say "oh look father Christmas left a present for you under MY tree because he knows you are special to me" etc which was lovely.
Or do both! Yes it's a bit of overkill but some children have lots of presents, some have nothing. It's sad but true.
I get why you feel your own traditions feel breached but try and remember it comes from a good place.
My MIL is long dead and FIL in a nursing home with Alzheimer's. My parents are alive but favour other grandchildren. Sometimes I don't think they'd piss on my kids if they were on fire. Be careful what you wish for.

LittlePaintBox · 19/11/2016 23:54

You know what? I think this "creating the magic" thing causes so much stress and unhappiness.

Spot in, Bert. My mum was obsessed with creating a perfect Santa Clause myth. We were very short of money but she saved up to buy really good presents from Santa. When I finally did find out I was devastated to discover that there was no kind old man providing presents that my mum and dad couldn't afford. I was also sworn to secrecy so I didn't 'spoil the magic' for my little sister, who got bigger presents than I did for about five years 'because it might be her last year believing in Father Christmas'.

(Bitter? Moi? Grin )

So when I had my DCs, I made no attempt at all to conceal the origin of their stockings and presents. I didn't want to deprive them of the fun of getting a stocking, but I never told them Santa was anything other than a story. But weirdly, they created a Santa myth themselves anyway, from what they were hearing from other kids.

So I think the 'magic' is pretty resilient!

13umpuu · 19/11/2016 23:54

not unreasonable at all - and I don't agree on doing both (you'd just end up comparing content/wrapping/quantity etc, a whole lot of pain imo)

Yours are handmade - they'll be an heirloom for your family!

PickAChew · 19/11/2016 23:57

Santa sometimes hedges his bets and visits all the houses a child might be sleeping in. Just saying.

Besides, he likes to leave some big presents which simply do not fit in a stocking.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/11/2016 23:59

I'd use your own and tell them that they can bring theirs over with them when they come. They can do the whole "look what Santa left for you at our house!" if they want to; but yours will be the ones they wake up to.

maninawomansworld01 · 20/11/2016 00:01

Her stockings stay at her house for when you visit, your stockings take pride of place on Christmas morning.

You can't be a people pleaser in situations like this, put your foot down and do what you want to!

Pilgit · 20/11/2016 00:05

This isn't really about stockings though is it? It's not about the DC having loads of presents. It's about the feeling that the grandparents are.trying to take over and recreate having their own children and perhaps ignoring that the parents want to do the parenting. It's a boundary issue that isn't being respected by the grandparents. If they said "look I love making up stockings. Would you mind if they had one from me at my house?" Or "I'd love to be part of making this magic for the DC is it possible?". Then it would be a very mean person who'd have an issue with it. It's the taking over and trampling over a boundary and wrapping it up in such a way that it looks churlish to say no. This leads to nothing but resentment.

DrQuinzel · 20/11/2016 00:09

I wish my parents would make a stocking.

Instead they made a bloody sleigh,which I'm expected to store all year round and have taking up the majority of my lounge on Christmas Day. A sleigh!

Happy50 · 20/11/2016 00:19

If their Granny loves and dotes on your children that is a great blessing for your children and for you
Let her give a stocking as well as you.
Two stockings once a year is never going to hurt a child.
In the long run and the grand scheme of things, it's more important the children are loved and cherished by an extended family

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